Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst

Scene: The apartment.

Penny: Hey, have you ever heard of the Van Nuys Comic-Con?

Leonard: ‭Yeah. It’s a dinky little convention where they sell collectibles and get sad D-list celebrities to appear. Why?

Penny: I got asked to sign autographs there.

Leonard: That’s awesome. Is this for Serial Ape-ist?

Penny: Well, it could be for the monkey movie. It could be my haemorrhoid commercial. The list does not go on.

Leonard: When is it?

Penny: It doesn’t matter. I’m not doing it.

Leonard: What? Why not?

Penny: You just said yourself, it’s sad.

Leonard: Yeah, but it’s not pathetic, that’s where I draw the line. Come on, we’ll have fun.

Penny: I don’t know.

Leonard: You’ll have nerds fawning all over you. If you don’t love that, this marriage is in trouble.

Penny: I guess it wouldn’t hurt to meet some fans and make a little extra money.

Leonard: Yeah. Wow, An appearance by George Lucas… ‘s dermatologist. Oh, I want that autograph.

Penny: Oh, yeah.

Credits sequence.

Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.

Amy: You know, with us living together, maybe we could think about having people over.

Sheldon: We have people over all the time. We have the maintenance people, the pizza delivery man, that UPS driver who feels the need to ask how parts of me are hanging.

Amy: You know what I meant.

Sheldon: All right, fine. Let’s say that we were to entertain people. What type of gathering did you have in mind? Huh? A meal? Lunch? Brunch? Dinner? Afternoon tea? A formal tea? Hmm? Is it a party? And if so, what kind of party? Is it a cocktail party? A Tupperware party? Ooh, is it a surprise party? Oh, I hope it’s not a West Coast party, ’cause according to the man on the radio, a West Coast party don’t stop.

Amy: I’m sorry I mentioned it.

Sheldon: Oh, don’t be. You get your hopes up, I knock them down. That’s called teamwork.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s bedroom.

Howard: That’s a kick. That’s an actual kick.

Bernadette: What are you doing?

Howard: I felt a kick. There’s a baby in there.

Bernadette: Oh, yeah, that’s where I put it.

Howard: Oh, I mean, I know you’re pregnant. I just never connected the idea of pregnancy and you actually having a baby.

Bernadette: Which MIT did you go to?

Howard: Oh, God, we are not ready to have an infant in this house. We don’t have a crib, we don’t have diapers, we’re not baby-proofed. Anyone can just walk in off the street and lift our toilet lids!

Bernadette: Howie, we have time to do all that stuff.

Howard: Do we? Look at you. Willy Wonka would roll you to the juicing room.

Bernadette: The next person kicking you will be me. Good night.

Howard: Are we even in a good school…? Ow!

Bernadette: I warned you, and I did it.

Scene: The apartment.

Penny: What’s all this?

Leonard: Oh, everything we need for your autograph session, head shots, markers.

Penny: Okay. Leonard, it’s sweet you’re excited about this, but it’ll be a miracle if one person asks for my autograph.

Leonard: Are you kidding? I once paid twenty dollars for Theo Sassler’s signature.

Penny: Who’s that?

Leonard: Oh, I don’t even know. I just liked his name. Theo Sassler. Okay, and look at this. I even got a change maker. How much change you want, little lady?

Penny: Oh, there’s so much I want to change.

Leonard: Yeah, well, if it’s a dollar, you’re in luck.

Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.

Amy: What’s going on here?

Sheldon: You expressed an interest in having people over, and I feel I dismissed it too quickly. So, I took matters into my own hands, and I arranged a brunch.

Amy: Well, that’s so nice. Who’s coming?

Sheldon: Oh, uh, Stuart, Bert from the geology lab, and Mrs. Petrescu from downstairs.

Amy: You mean the Romanian lady on the second floor?

Sheldon: Yes. Oh, fun story, she grew up with ten siblings. Or possibly penguins. Her English is atrocious.

Amy: That’s an odd mix of people.

Sheldon: Well, for our first time hosting, I thought it would be wise to conduct a trial run. You know, like how I practiced for that Halloween haunted house by going into the bathroom at the bus station.

Amy: You never went into that haunted house.

Sheldon: You never saw what jumped out at me at the bus station.

Amy: Well, thank you, Sheldon. This is a fun surprise.

Sheldon: Oh. Well, the real surprise is how surprised you are that I’m great at surprises.

Amy: Well, that’s not a surprise at all. I mean, if I knew you were good at surprises, I would have

expected the surprise, and therefore not have been surprised, but as it is, I didn’t know, and therefore my surprise should be unsurprising.

Sheldon: Don’t get me all randy. Guests are on the way.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.

Howard: Hi.

Bernadette: Hey, where you been?

Howard: Oh, we went and did a little shopping for the baby.

Raj: Wait till you see the crib we found.

Bernadette: You bought a crib without me?

Howard: You’re gonna love it.

Raj: Yeah, it’s the highest rated one on the market. I wouldn’t even call it a crib, I’d call it a Fortress of Solitude for babies.

Bernadette: Sounds expensive.

Howard: Okay, well, I may have gone a bit overboard, but you can’t put a price on safety.

Raj: Though if you did, it’s more zeroes than you’re expecting.

Howard: But it’s the safest crib you can buy. And if you don’t like it, we can return it.

Bernadette: Fine.

Howard: In our new minivan. Hey, what’s for lunch?

Bernadette: You bought a minivan?

Howard: It’s for the baby, and I didn’t buy it. The dealer loaned it to me for a 24-hour test drive.

Raj: Though we did ding up the back pretty good with the crib, so you might have bought a minivan.

Bernadette: I don’t want to drive that. It’s such a mom car.

Howard: The guy at the dealership said they’re not just for moms anymore.

Raj: Then again, he did think you were my husband.

Bernadette: They thought it at the ultrasound, why not at the car dealership?

Scene: The Comic-con.

Leonard: Never been on this side of the table before. I feel powerful.

Penny: Really? I feel like I’m selling candy so our team can get new uniforms.

Leonard: Okay, so it’s four seventy-five for a signed black-and-white and nine ninety-five for a colour.

Penny: Alright, why not five and ten bucks?

Leonard: Well, I brought my moneymaker. Let me shake it.

Penny: Hey, that guy’s looking over here.

Leonard: Oh. You think he’s your first autograph?

Penny: I don’t know. Be cool. He’s coming. He’s coming. Hi.

Guy: Hi. I love your movie.

Penny: Well, thanks.

Guy: It has got to be one of the worst things I’ve ever seen in my life.

Penny: Your love confuses me.

Leonard: Would you like an autograph?

Guy: Sure.

Penny: Okay. Who do I make it out to?

Guy: Daniel.

Penny: Okay.

Daniel: I have to ask. Were you trying to be that bad, or are you just a terrible actress?

Penny: That did not clear things up.

Leonard: That’ll be four seventy-five.

Daniel: Keep the change.

Leonard: But I-I-I, oh. Nothing about that was good.

Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.

Amy: There’s nothing to be afraid of, Sheldon.

Sheldon: The average cork speed is 25 miles per hour. If that is too fast around a school, it is certainly too fast around a kitchen.

Amy: Been 15 minutes. Just sayin’.

Sheldon: Okay. I can do this. Just give me a moment… Oh! Mimosas coming up.

Bert: I once left orange juice in my fridge so long, it tasted like a mimosa.

Amy: How old was it

Bert: It’s hard to say. I don’t remember much after I drank it.

Sheldon: Would you like one, Mrs. Petrescu?

Mrs Petrescu: Yes. Drink is fun and good friends, Applebee’s.

Sheldon: She’s learning English from TV.

Mrs Petrescu: TV, good. Now back to you.

Stuart: Hey, guys.

Amy: Hi, Stuart.

Stuart: These are for you.

Amy: Oh, they’re pretty. Thank you.

Sheldon: Stuart, this is Bert from the Caltech geology lab, and this is Mrs. Petrescu from downstairs.

Stuart: Nice to meet you.

Mrs Petrescu: Hello.

Bert: Hey.

Stuart: So, what did I miss?

Bert: Eh, we watched Sheldon try to open a bottle for 15 minutes.

Mrs Petrescu: 15 minutes can save you 15% or more on car insurance.

Stuart: Anybody else coming to this thing?

Scene: The Comic-con.

Penny: What’s your name?

Jeff: Jeff.

Penny: Okay.

Jeff: My favourite part is your shower scene.

Penny: Been hearing that a lot today.

Jeff: I even have a screen grab on my phone.

Penny: Yep, there they are.

Leonard: Okay, let’s keep it moving.

Penny: Here you go.

Leonard: Should’ve punched that guy.

Penny: Well, go ahead. He’s right over there.

Leonard: Why do you do that? Can’t you let me have my moment?

Penny: Hello.

Awkward guy: Hi. I like your movies.

Penny: Thank you.

Awkward guy: I saw both of them.

Penny: I assume we’re still talking about the movies, but after today, who knows.

Awkward guy: You think I could get a picture of us?

Penny: Oh, sure.

Awkward guy: And, uh, could you be giving me a kiss?

Leonard: No. She cannot kiss. What is wrong with you people?

Penny: Leonard…

Leonard: No, no, no. It’s not okay.

Awkward guy: Who are you?

Leonard: I’m her husband.

Awkward guy: No, you’re not.

Leonard: I am.

Penny: Yeah, he really is.

Awkward guy: No.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s garage.

Howard: It’s got a rearview camera, there’s a DVD player, oh, and check this out. It’s like we’re living in the future.

Raj: Hey, show her the trunk. Show her the trunk.

Howard: Imagine this, you’ve got the baby in one hand, groceries in the other, and you’re thinking, how am I gonna open this trunk?

Bernadette: I’m probably thinking, where’s my husband, and why isn’t he helping me?

Howard: You don’t need my help when you can open the trunk with a simple kick of the foot.

Raj: No, it’s a gentle kick, you’re doing it wrong. Here. Give me those.

Howard: Uh, maybe it was more of a circle?

Bernadette: It’s weird that guy thought you were a couple.

Howard: Yes.

Raj: Yes.

Howard: See? Easy. And look at all this cargo space. Now we’ll get the crib out and you can take it for a test-drive. I’m telling you, this van is gonna be… uuh-uuh, uuh-uuh.

Bernadette: Oh, is it your back?

Howard: Oh, yeah, oh, anyway, let’s just get in and see if the GPS can take us to the nearest emergency room.

Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.

Sheldon: So until Amy’s apartment is fixed, she and I are living here together.

Bert: I lived with my old girlfriend. She was a geologist, too.

Amy: Things didn’t work out?

Bert: I came home from work one day and she had taken everything. I’m warning you, hide your good rocks.

Mrs Petrescu: My sister’s husband took all her things, too. Story at eleven.

Stuart: Really, no one else is coming?

Sheldon: This is it. You are the practice round.

Stuart: Practice round? For-for what?

Amy: Uh, no. He, he just means that you were the first people we thought of.

Sheldon: You know, exactly. We’ve never thrown a brunch before, and I wanted to work out all the kinks.

Stuart: So, I’m like a lab rat before your real friends come over?

Sheldon: Hmm. You see, your words sound reasonable, but your face looks angry. Help me out here, this is not where I shine.

Amy: Stuart, you know you’re one of our favourite people.

Sheldon: Okay, now, see, you look sincere, but your words are completely false. I’m glad we did this test run, these brunches are wild.

Scene: The Comic-con.

Awkward guy: But how did you get her to go out with you?

Leonard: Well, she moved in across the hall.

Penny: And he started to slowly wear me down.

Leonard: Like a river carves a canyon.

Penny: Yeah, except the river kept showing me his Pokémon cards.

Red-haired guy: Ready to go?

Awkward guy: Hang on. This guy’s telling me how he got the Serial Ape-ist girl to marry him.

Red-haired guy: This guy? But he’s wearing a change maker.

Penny: I think it’s hot.

Leonard: That’s right. I’m her change daddy.

Scene: The minivan.

Howard: Aaaaah. What was I thinking? Wolowitzes are not a lifting people. We tip the lifting people.

Bernadette: Do we really have to sit for hours in the emergency room? They’re just gonna give you ice and Advil like last time.

Howard: You’re gonna feel terrible when I’m in a wheelchair. Which, by the way, would fit easily in the back of this award-winning minivan.

Bernadette: Fine, we’ll go to the E.R. Just stop selling me on the van.

Howard: You’re right. It sells itself.

Raj: You have to admit, it’s a pretty smooth ride.

Bernadette: I was hoping it’d be quieter.

Howard: If childbirth is half this bad, you are so screwed. Are we there yet?

Bernadette: Soon.

Howard: Why is it taking so long?

Raj: Howard, Howard, look at the DVD screen. I put on Batman: The Animated Series. Your favourite.

Howard: I’m in too much pain to watch cartoo… oh, this is a good one.

Raj: I’ve been babysitting him way longer than you have.

Bernadette: Fine. I’ll buy the stupid van.

Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.

Bert: This is the best blintz I’ve ever had.

Sheldon: Oh. Thank you.

Bert: It almost makes up for the incredibly awkward turn things took earlier.

Stuart: You know what, I, I, I think I’m just gonna go.

Amy: No, Stuart, don’t.

Stuart: No, I consider you and Sheldon like my family, and I’m not even sure you think of me as a friend. You have any idea how that feels?

Amy: We’re so sorry.

Stuart: I’m always the last one anybody thinks of.

Sheldon: Well, no, that’s not true. I mean, sometimes it’s Koothrappali. But we’re not supposed to say that ’cause he’s a minority.

Stuart: Bye.

Sheldon: Stuart, wait. I do know what it feels like to be left out.

Bert: I know how it feels, too.

Sheldon: All right, this is about me and him, you’re not part of it. Stuart, perhaps we do take you for granted, and that is not acceptable. Please know that you truly are a valuable member of our social group.

Stuart: Thank you.

Sheldon: You know, in fact, I’d like to propose a toast. To Stuart. A fine man, a good friend and a wonderful guest.

Bert: Hear, hear.

Amy: Cheers.

Mrs Petrescu: Cheers. Filmed before a live studio audience.

Scene: The Comic-con.

Leonard: And that is how a short asthmatic scientist landed a stone cold fox.

Awkward guy: Oh. Whoa. I didn’t know you can propose to the same person so many times.

Leonard: The third time I did it in skywriting, but she never looked up.

Penny: You know, once, I proposed to him.

Leonard: Yeah. I said no.

Red-haired guy: Why?

Leonard: I just wanted to make her work for it.

Penny: Yeah, that’s gonna cost you later.

Red-haired guy: Hang on. Is she just with you because you’re rich?

Leonard: She makes more money than I do.

Awkward guy: What? Who are you?

Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.

Sheldon: Do you know what else I love about you?

Stuart: Hmm?

Sheldon: Your handwriting is impeccable.

Stuart: Thank you for noticing.

Sheldon: No, I mean it. I mean it. It’s like you have the soul of a label maker.

Stuart: You know what I love about you?

Sheldon: Hmm?

Stuart: You never leave the house without a paper clip.

Sheldon: You never know when two pieces of paper might temporarily need fastening in the top left corner.

Stuart: I also love how you never use swear words.

Sheldon: You know, it turns out, you can hurt people just as well without ’em.

Amy: Maybe I can get a little help putting some of this stuff away.

Sheldon: Oh, calm down. I already put away five of these. You see? No muss, no fuss, not a single cuss.

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