Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity

After a “previously on” sequence…

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s van.

Howard: Oh, man, this is really happening. You doin’ okay?

Bernadette: Here comes another contraction.

Stuart: Let’s pick it up.

Raj: All right, hold on. I’m gonna drive like we do in India. Get out of my way, you syphilitic dogs.

Howard: Stop that, this isn’t India.

Raj: Fine. What do one point three billion people know about having babies?

Howard: Sorry. I know you were just trying to help. I love you.

Raj: I love you, too. We’re good.

Credits sequence.

Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s bedroom.

Sheldon: Amy? Wake up.

Amy: What’s wrong?

Sheldon: It’s midnight. Happy birthday.

Amy: Sheldon. Okay, you can have this back in the morning.

Sheldon: This is for you. I was going to wrap it, but touching Scotch tape gives me the heebie-jeebies.

Amy: I’ll put in on the list with peaches and felt. What is this?

Sheldon: A functional MRI of my brain. I did Sudoku before they took it so I’d be ripped.

Amy: I love it. Thank you.

Sheldon: And it’s not just an MRI. The orbitofrontal cortex is lit up because I was thinking of you.

Amy: Sheldon.

Sheldon: We seem to be moving on to the annual coitus portion of your birthday festivities.

Amy: Is that okay?

Sheldon: I didn’t put on my come-hither plaid PJ’s for nothing.

Amy: You hate Scotch tape, but you love Scotch plaid. You are a mystery.

Penny (off): Guys, wake up. Bernadette’s having her baby.

Leonard (off): Come on, we’re going to the hospital.

Amy: I guess, I guess we should stop.

Sheldon: Yeah. I’m afraid so. Childbirth, looming coitus? This is a banner night for female genitals.

Scene: A delivery room.

Midwife: Now I see three of you. Do we know the father, or is this some Mamma Mia nonsense?

Howard: I’m the father.

Midwife: Okay, Dad, how far apart are the contractions?

Howard: No idea. Ask him.

Raj: 12 minutes.

Midwife: 12 minutes? Why are you here?

Stuart: Aren’t we supposed to get here an hour and a half early?

Midwife: This is a hospital, not the airport.

Bernadette: I’m sorry. It’s our first time.

Midwife: It’s okay. This little one will be here before you know it. Do we know what we’re having?

Howard: No, we’re keeping it a surprise.

Midwife: Old school. Nice.

Bernadette: Not that old school. He knows.

Raj: You see, I was at the doctor’s office, the folder was right there, so I took a peek.

Howard: And talking like this doesn’t make it less creepy.

Midwife: Sweetheart, go home. Come back when the contractions are five minutes apart for an hour.

Raj: I’m sorry, that’s ambiguous. Is it five minutes apart starting at the top of the hour, or five minutes apart starting with the first contraction, so essentially, like, 65 minutes?

Midwife: I’m just throwing this out there, but home births are very popular these days.

Scene: The stairwell.

Penny: Sheldon, what took you so long?

Sheldon: Wolowitz might hand out cigars. I had to find my bubble gum cigar so I could join in without looking foolish.

Leonard: Damn, I need my inhaler.

Amy: Just don’t smoke.

Leonard: No, I went down the stairs too fast.

Penny (answering phone): Hey.

Raj: Don’t come to the hospital. We’re headed home.

Penny: Oh, that was fast. Did she sneeze the baby out?

Bernadette: We showed up too early. We’ll keep you posted.

Penny: Okay, well, we’ll talk to you guys later. Bye. She said not to come. It’s gonna be a while.

Amy: Well, first deliveries can be slow.

Sheldon: I’m starting to rethink the Flash onesie I bought this kid.

Leonard: I found it, but it’s empty.

Penny: Well, it doesn’t matter. We’re not going to the hospital now.

Leonard: Are you sure? I’d really like to.

Amy: Well, should we, uh, head back up?

Penny: Well while we’re all awake, why don’t we go to a diner or something?

Amy: Oh, uh, I don’t know. Sheldon, you don’t want to do that, do you?

Sheldon: It doesn’t matter what I want. It’s your birthday, you decide.

Penny: Oh, my God. It’s your birthday. Let’s do something fun.

Amy: Uh.

Penny: We could go to a bar.

Amy: Well.

Leonard: Okay, I can breathe again. Babe, they want to have sex.

Penny: Oh, of course. The annual birthday booty spectacular!

Sheldon: That’s a bit childish, isn’t it?

Penny: I’m sorry, and what flavour is your bubble gum cigar?

Sheldon: Grape. I find it the most mild.

Penny: All right, well, you two go have fun.

Leonard: If we find my backup inhaler, maybe we can get frisky.

Penny: Oh, you sexy, wheezy little man.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.

Bernadette: Do you really need to record this?

Raj: You’ll be happy I did. Okay, little one, here we are back at home because you weren’t quite ready to come out yet. You wanted to make an entrance. I get it. And here’s your daddy. When he tries to tell you he used to be cool, you can see he wasn’t.

Howard: All right, enough with the camera.

Raj: Well, this is not for me, this is for the baby. Some day she’s gonna want to see this.

Howard: I’m sorry, who’s gonna want to see this?

Raj: I, I said she, but lot’s of things are she, boats and cars, whales, like thar she blows!

Stuart: You’re doing great.

Bernadette: Raj.

Raj: Well, okay, I’m gonna sign off now. This next part may contain some adult language.

Bernadette: How could you?

Howard: We made it this far without knowing, and you’ve ruined it.

Raj: Well, you guys have no idea how hard it is to know something like this and not say it.

Stuart: You told me it was a girl, and I didn’t say it.

Bernadette: Raj.

Raj: You were supposed to keep that to yourself.

Stuart: Oh, yeah. I guess it is hard.

Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s bedroom.

Amy: So, where were we?

Sheldon: Well, I believe we were kissing like randy teenagers, and your nose was whistling ever so slightly.

Amy: I’m sorry.

Sheldon: Oh, don’t be. You were like a foxy tea kettle.

Amy: Well, shall we start over?

Sheldon: Very well.

Amy: What’s wrong?

Sheldon: I’m not sure. Earlier tonight, things began organically, and now it’s feeling forced, like all the Pirates of the Caribbean sequels.

Amy: Okay, that makes sense. I mean, the mood’s a little different now. We, we don’t have to rush.

Sheldon: Oh, I know, but just, Leonard and Penny think we’re doing it, and I don’t want to disappoint them.

Amy: And the mood continues to change.

Sheldon: No, and also, I don’t want to disappoint you. I, you know, come on, it’s your birthday. I can soldier through this.

Amy: Hold on. I think I might have a little surprise that might help get things back on track.

Sheldon: Intriguing. Is back on track a hint that it has something to do with trains?

Amy: No.

Sheldon: Because if it did have to do with trains, and you were gonna give…

Amy: It’s not about trains.

Sheldon: Not even a cozy sleeper car on the Orient Express?

Amy: Stop talking about trains.

Sheldon: Who’s killing the mood now?

Scene: The apartment.

Leonard: Found the backup inhaler, want to have sex?

Penny: Well, I didn’t until I heard that.

Leonard: Hang on. I’m counting. It’s okay.

Raj (off): Hello. Howard and Bernadette kicked me out because I told them they’re having a girl. Oopsy, I did it again.

Penny: Maybe if we’re quiet, he’ll go away.

Raj: You’re gonna have to be quieter than that.

Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s bedroom.

Sheldon: Can I look yet?

Amy: One second. All right, you can open your eyes. I thought I’d let Harry Potter make things hotter.

Sheldon: Wowza.

Amy: I got a Gryffindor robe for you.

Sheldon: What, a Gryffindor sleeping with a Hufflepuff? How scandalous. You naughty girl, you went to the Wizarding World theme park without me.

Amy: I did. Am I in trouble?

Sheldon: Yes, you’re in trouble, you went to Wizarding World without me.

Amy: Wait, what just happened?

Sheldon: You know I’ve been wanting to go.

Amy: Sheldon, do you really want to argue with me on my birthday?

Sheldon: Oh, you’re right. I’m sorry.

Amy: Ooh. Happy birthday to me.

Raj (off): Hello.

Amy: Is this about the baby?

Raj: No. People just keep kicking me out everywhere I go.

Amy: Good. Then you’re used to this.

Penny: Hey, Bernadette’s water broke.

Leonard: Come on, everyone to the hospital.

Amy: You have got to be kidding me.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s van.

Howard: Just try to relax, we’ll be there any minute. Stuart, stop driving like an old man. Speed it up a little.

Stuart: I’m not an old man, I just can’t see at night.

Bernadette: Here comes another one. Hey, Squinty, the gas pedal’s on the right.

Stuart: All right, hang on. If you see any pedestrians, just call ’em out.

Scene: Leonard’s car.

Penny: Howard and Bernadette’s kid might be born on your birthday. How cool is that?

Amy: :21,369 –> 00:12:23,536

Yeah, but I thought this

baby was supposed to ruin their sex life, not mine.

Raj: This is not how I imagined this day going, I should be with them right now.

Leonard: Well, it is their child.

Raj: I know that. But to be fair, I’ve spent nine months helping Bernadette get ready for this baby, and Howard spent five minutes conceiving it. And I’m being generous.

Sheldon: Five minutes? We must be doing it wrong. It took us hours.

Raj: And, and the worst part is that they kicked me out and let Stuart stay.

Amy: I understand, but this is a special day for them. Can you just try and let it go?

Sheldon: She’s right. You know, I just learned Amy went to a theme park without me, but I’m not going to ruin her birthday. I’ll wait, and ruin 24 individual hours sprinkled throughout the year. Boop.

Scene: The delivery suite.

Howard: Deep breaths, slow breaths.

Bernadette: I’m so thirsty. Give me more ice chips.

Stuart: Sorry. I thought these were room ice chips. I’ll go get some more.

Howard: Uh, Stuart, while you’re out there, don’t come back.

Stuart: Okay.

Howard: So, what are we gonna name this kid? Now that we know she’s a girl, it kind of ruins my plan for Wally Wolowitz.

Bernadette: We could name her after your mom.

Howard: Debbie? No. She hated that name.

Bernadette: Did she have a middle name?

Howard: Melvina.

Bernadette: Let’s keep thinking.

Howard: Ah. It sucks that she’s not here.

Bernadette: I know.

Howard: Hm. She would’ve been the best grandma.

Bernadette: She did always have candy in her pocket.

Howard: Yeah. I was 20 years old before I figured out Tootsie Rolls weren’t naturally warm.

Bernadette: I didn’t know her five minutes and she asked, are you a Milky Way or a Snickers girl?

Howard: Thank God you answered right, we wouldn’t be here today.

Scene: The waiting room.

Leonard: It’s hard to believe Howard’s having a kid.

Amy: Yeah. Penny, you’re the one who introduced him to Bernie.

Penny: How many times do I have to say I’m sorry?

Leonard: It’s not just Howard and Bernadette. I mean, look how far we’ve all come.

Stuart: Hmm. You two got married.

Amy: Sheldon and I are living together.

Sheldon: But if my mom asks, we have bunk beds.

Leonard: Penny was a struggling actress when we met, and now she’s a successful pharmaceutical rep.

Penny: Okay, you don’t have to say struggling every time. You can just say actress.

Stuart: Howard went to space.

Amy: Bernadette got her doctorate.

Leonard: Sheldon, Howard and I are working with the government on our quantum gyroscope.

Amy: We’ve all come a long way. There’s a lot to be proud of.

Raj: For God’s sake, just drive in the knife, why don’t you.

Stuart: What’s your problem?

Raj: Well, you’re all thinking it, I’m the only one who hasn’t done anything worthwhile.

Sheldon: I was not thinking it. Although, now that you point it out, it is undeniable.

Stuart: Raj, if it’s any consolation, I’m no better off than I was ten years ago.

Raj: Oh, yay, I have a doctorate in astrophysics and I’m every bit as awesome as the pasty-faced owner of a comic book store.

Sheldon: Raj, show some compassion. Those are things that we think but don’t say.

Raj: Excuse me.

Leonard: Sorry, Stuart.

Stuart: Hey, I’m in a hospital and I’m not the patient. I’m fine.

Scene: The delivery suite.

Howard: Come on, Bernie, breathe. Remember what you learned in birthing class.

Bernadette: I remember thinking this is stupid, and I was right.

Howard: Do you want me to get the nurse?

Bernadette: No. If one more person puts their fingers near my uterus, I’m gonna cross my legs and snap ’em off.

Scene: The waiting room.

Leonard: I’ve come to peace with my relationship with my parents. That was a big milestone for me.

Sheldon: Oh, speaking of personal growth, I recently tried eating Swiss chard. You know, I didn’t swallow it, but Amy said it counted.

Raj: Hey.

Stuart: Hey. Still a loser or did you turn things around while you were gone?

Penny: You know, Raj, honey, you’re being too hard on yourself. When I first met you, you couldn’t even talk to women. I mean, you couldn’t even talk if one was in the room.

Raj: Oh, great, now I can say things like I can’t believe you’re breaking up with me, why are you breaking up with me? Yes, I’ll still help you move.

Penny: Anyone else want to try?

Stuart: Uh, yeah, I got something. Raj, not everybody could be a dog owner. Oh, what? Did your doggie break up with you too?

Penny: Hey, I bought M&Ms at the vending machine and two bags came out.

Raj: I bought the first one, it didn’t fall.

Penny: Here.

Howard: She’s here, the baby’s here.

Penny: Oh!

Raj: Congratulations.

Amy: How’s Bernadette?

Howard: Tired, but great. They’re both great.

Penny: Does the baby have a name yet?

Howard: We have named her Halley.

Penny: – Oh.

Leonard: Oh, like Halley’s comet.

Howard: Exactly. Also like the comet, Bernadette said she’s not gonna have sex with me for another 75 years.

Amy: That’s not a real thing, he’s just joking.

Howard: I’m gonna get back. Thank you for staying up, I can’t wait for Halley to meet her new aunts and uncles and godfather.

Raj: Really?

Howard: Of course.

Raj: You hear that, Stuart? I’ve got a dog and a godchild, you have nothing.

Scene: The hospital nursery.

Penny: Oh, look at all the babies.

Sheldon: Some will be successful, some may be homeless. It’s fun to think about.

Leonard; I wonder which one’s Halley.

Amy: Kind of hard to see the names.

Penny: Mm, that one kind of looks like Bernadette.

Amy: They all look the same to me.

Raj: Guys, she’s my goddaughter, I think I’ll know when I see her. That one.

Scene: The stairwell.

Amy: Well, that was quite a day.

Sheldon: It was. Bernadette had her baby, I made it to Wizarding World, and now it is time to complete your birthday celebration. Hankius pankius.

Amy: I was afraid you’d be too tired.

Sheldon: Amy, I just saw a magic train and reported somebody for cutting the line. If that’s not foreplay, I don’t know what is.

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