Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration

After a previously on sequence.

Scene: The apartment.

Penny: What, what’s all this?

Leonard: Well, it sounded like you were having a rough day, so i wanted you to come home to something nice.

Penny: Oh, that is so thoughtful.

Leonard: Hey, do you remember when we went wine tasting in Santa Barbara and you said that was you’d ever had?

Penny: Yeah, i remember us driving up there, going to the winery and, that’s it.

Leonard: and this wine is why.

Penny: Oh. Hey, what smells so good?

Leonard: I made your favourite. Pizza bagels.

Penny: Pink wine and pizza bagels? It’s like eighth grade all over again. I am so lucky to have you.

Leonard: Well, now be careful, these are hot. i could explain the thermodynamics of why the cheese seems hotter than the crust, but instead I’m gonna keep it to myself.

Penny: Oh, you always know what not to say. I just, i can’t believe you did all this.

Leonard: Well, you know, It’s easy to take each other for granted and I never want to do that to you, because your love, it’s like a river. It’s peaceful and deep. Your soul is, it’s like a secret that I could never keep.

Penny: You did not just quote an Nsync song.

Leonard: I quoted your favourite Nsync song.

Penny: Oh.

Out of daydream sequence.

Leonard: Damn. I burped so hard, i died in my game.

Credits sequence.

Scene: The stairwell.

Sheldon: Leonard, i’ve been meaning to ask you, what size shoe do you wear?

Leonard: Why?

Sheldon: I’m trying to take more of an interest in other people’s lives.

Leonard: That’s nice. I wear a size eight and a half.

Sheldon: That’s small. So, tell me, do you have any plans for the weekend?

Leonard: Are you gonna laugh at the answer?

Sheldon: Only if the answer is shopping for baby shoes.

Leonard: If you must know, Penny won a spa weekend from work, and she’s taking me.

Sheldon: Oh, well you know, that is interesting. I wonder what kind of infection you’ll come home with. My money’s on fungal. They’re still having girls night across the hall.

Leonard: So, hang out with me and we’ll have boys’ night.

Sheldon: At our age, why don’t we call it man’s night?

Leonard: Because we just spent our allowance on comic books.

Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.

Amy: Penny, is it weird that we’re having girls’ night here, but you don’t live here any more, so it’s basically my girls’ night?

Penny: I hadn’t really thought about it.

Amy: But now you’re thinking about it and it bothers you? I get that.

Bernadette: Things going well with you and Sheldon living together?

Amy: Better than ever. He asks about my day, takes an interest in my life. He’s like my boyfriend in college, except he’s real, so people can see him.

Bernadette: I’ve been seeing him for years, I’m still not convinced he’s real.

Penny: Hey, can I ask you a question? You’ve been married for a while, is it normal for the husband to kind of completely stop giving a crap?

Bernadette: Uh oh, what’s going on?

Penny: Well, Leonard used to do all these things, like bring me flowers and wear pants.

Bernadette: It’s okay, Howie never has on pants. The Domino’s guy brings the pizza like this now.

Amy: Well Sheldon always has his pants on. I don’t think I could pick his knees out of a line-up.

Penny: Well, it’s not just the pants, it’s just, it’s like since we got married he doesn’t really try any more.

Amy: Uh, Penny, I don’t know how to say this, but this is my first girls’ night and you’re kind of bumming everybody out.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.

Howard: All right, got Halley to sleep.

Raj: Yeah, i heard you on the baby monitor. Didn’t think you could think you could turn the theme from Walking Dead into a lullaby.

Howard: Yeah, got to get her hooked on TV or someday she’ll want me to play outside. Boy, that floor is so squeaky. I’m surprised I didn’t wake her up walking out of the room.

Raj: Have you tried anything to fix it?

Howard: Well, i put the rug down. It didn’t help.

Raj: I know. Blue shag, what were you thinking?

Howard: Did try nailing a couple of the boards down.

Raj: Did that do anything?

Howard: Yeah, it left little holes in the floor, that’s why I bought the rug.

Scene: The apartment.

Sheldon: If you do that, i’ll win in eight moves. I’ll win in five moves. I’ll win in one move.

Leonard: Oh, no. Good game.

Penny: Hey.

Leonard: Hey.

Sheldon: Oh, Penny, I’m trying to take an interest in other people. Uh, how was your girls’ night?

Penny: Oh, it was fine.

Sheldon: Hmm. Did you have anything to eat?

Penny: Uh, chips.

Sheldon: Anything to drink?

Penny: Some wine.

Sheldon: Well, I’m just playing tennis against the drapes here.

Leonard: Just ignore him.

Penny: Hm. At least he took an interest.

Leonard: What’s that supposed to mean?

Penny: Nothing.

Leonard: Hey, what’s going on with you?

Penny: I don’t want to talk about it.

Leonard: Well, hey, come on, just tell me.

Penny: Fine. Lately I kind of feel like you’ve been taking me for granted.

Leonard: What? Where is this coming from?

Sheldon: Leonard, she might be drunk. All she had was chips.

Penny: It’s just, since we got married you seem to think you don’t have to try any more.

Leonard: That is ridiculous.

Penny: This is exactly why I didn’t want to talk about it.

Leonard: No, no, no, no, let’s talk about it. I’m the one who’s made all the effort in this relationship since day one. Please tell me what more I could do?

Penny: Okay, you know what? Maybe I’ll take Amy with me to the spa this weekend instead.

Leonard: Fine, go ahead.

Sheldon: Amy is free. She had a harp lesson on Saturday but it got cancelled. Boy, when you take an interest in people, you really uncork a geyser of nonsense.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.

Bernadette (on phone): Okay. Thanks, daddy. He said the only way to really fix an old floor like that is to tear it up and replace the whole thing.

Howard: That sounds expensive.

Raj: Hang on. No offence to her father, but he’s not an MIT trained engineer. Thinking and building is what you do.

Howard: MIT’s motto is mind and hand, which just so happens was also my motto as a lonely teenager.

Raj: Oh come on, we just need to be more creative. What if you didn’t step on the floor at all? Like, what if you swung on a rope from the ceiling?

Howard: No.

Raj: Okay, um, okay, what if you rig up a pulley system and move yourself across the room in a harness?

Howard: No.

Bernadette: I have one. What if you got a giant slingshot and flung yourself into the wall?

Howard: Is that supposed to be funny?

Raj: Hold on. Yeah, that’s funny.

Scene: The apartment.

Penny: All right, we’re heading out.

Leonard: Mm-hmm.

Amy: I’ll call you when we get to the hotel.

Sheldon: And if they have any of those tiny bottles of shampoo?

Amy: I will bring them home so you can show me how Godzilla takes a shower.

Leonard: Have fun.

Penny: Thanks. Are you ready?

Amy: Uh-huh. Bye, Sheldon.

Sheldon: You know what? I feel uncomfortable engaging in a public display of affection while their relationship is strained.

Leonard: Go ahead, it’s fine.

Sheldon: Bye.

Amy: Bye.

Leonard: Okay.

Penny: Let’s go.

Amy: Bye.

Sheldon: Bye.

Amy: I’ll miss you.

Sheldon: Yeah, I’ll miss you too.

Amy: I’ll miss you more.

Sheldon: Well, if x equals the amount that you’ll miss me, then I’ll miss you x plus one.

Amy: If you miss me x plus one, I’ll miss you open paren x plus one, close paren to the second…

Leonard: Thank you.

Scene: The apartment, later.

Sheldon: Here. You’re sad, so I made you tea.

Leonard: Thanks.

Sheldon: And it’s just the way you like it.

Leonard: Earl grey?

Sheldon: Yes.

Leonard: Honey?

Sheldon: Yes.

Leonard: Unsweetened almond…

Sheldon: Good Lord, I made you tea, just drink it.

Leonard: Sorry, thank you.

Sheldon: Well, what can we do to cheer you up?

Leonard: I really don’t know.

Sheldon: You want to play Jenga? Or, uh, Ticket to Ride? Hearthstone? What would you be the happiest losing at?

Leonard: I don’t want to play a game, Sheldon.

Sheldon: Wow, and I remember when you loved playing games with me. Maybe Penny isn’t the only relationship you’re phoning in.

Leonard: Its not that I’d stopped trying, its just how relationships progress. They start with infatuation, but over time mellow into something more comfortable.

Sheldon: Hmm. Yeah, you’re right. It’s like when I first encountered the Pythagorean theorem. You know, I was blown away that the square of the hypotenuse was the sum of the squares of the opposite sides. But now I’m just like, eh.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s nursery.

Howard: Okay, this grid represents the room. All we need to do is plot out where each squeak is, and we can find a quiet path to the crib.

Raj: It looks like a map from Dungeons and Dragons.

Howard: Mm. Except the creature in the crib is a level-nine poop monster.

Raj: Okay, uh, you check for squeaks, and I will mark them down.

Howard: Okay, space A3, here we go. It’s squeaking. Mark it.

Raj: It’s nice to think that you grew up in this room and now your daughter’s going to as well.

Howard: Mm. I hope she has the same amount of sex in it I did. None. Next square.

Raj: Why do you bounce with your hands in the air like that?

Howard: It’s a tradition of my people. (Singing) If I were a rich man, ya ba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dum.

Raj: Material Girl needs ot be retired, that is your karaoke song.

Scene: Leonards car.

Sheldon: Would you like to play a driving game I invented?

Leonard: Is it about the failing state of my relationship with Penny?

Sheldon: Never mind. You know, Penny went to this spa to be away from you. Are you sure you should be going there?

Leonard: I don’t want to wait two days for us to work this out.

Sheldon: Very well. You got married spur of the moment, I don’t see why your divorce should be any different.

Leonard: I would pull this car over and kick you out, but If Penny dumps me, you’re all I got.

Scene: The spa.

Penny: When was the last time you got a massage?

Amy: Sheldon walked on my back two weeks ago, but that was just ’cause there was a spider on his pillow and he was trying to get away.

Penny: Leonard stood on me once, too, but he was just trying to see the Rose Parade.

Amy: I don’t know the protocol, are you gonna be naked for your massage?

Penny: Well, yeah.

Amy: Hmm. Then this is probably too many clothes.

Leonard: Hey.

Penny: What are you doing here?

Leonard: I came here to apologize.

Penny: Okay. Leonard, I really appreciate that, but I need a little time to myself.

Leonard: Okay. I don’t get it, you said make an effort, here I am making an effort.

Sheldon: Hello, Amy. It’s nice to see you.

Amy: Nice to see you, too.

Sheldon: And that’s how you make effort look effortless.

Penny: All right. Can you please just go and we’ll talk about this tomorrow?

Leonard: I don’t understand what you want.

Penny: I’m trying to figure it out.

Sheldon: You know what? If you’d like, I could whip up a quick relationship agreement. Well, I’m at a spa, I might as well do something relaxing.

Amy: Sheldon, why don’t we give them some privacy?

Sheldon: Very well. Hey, later we’ll check out the minibar, I’ll show you how Godzilla gets drunk.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s nursery.

Howard: So, what we did was map out the entire room to identify every squeak. Watch. It’s easy,

once you get the hang of it. Step. Step. Hop onto Ottoman.

Raj: Don’t do that in socks, I almost broke my neck.

Howard: Then simply sit, spin, stand, stretch, maybe in looser pants, then step, grab, tiny pivot, pull, and you’re there. Easy peasy, mac and… you get the idea.

Bernadette: You actually expect me to do this while holding a baby in the dark.

Raj: Hold on, I don’t think she was impressed.

Howard: Bigger problems, I felt something pop.

Scene: The spa.

Sheldon: There’s a cucumber in my water.

Amy: Uh-huh.

Sheldon: Do they know it’s there? I mean, should I tell somebody?

Amy: It’s there on purpose. It’s refreshing.

Sheldon: Interesting. The world’s most boring liquid and the world’s most boring vegetable, but you put ’em together and bleugh.

Leonard: Hey.

Penny: Hey.

Sheldon: Oh good, you’re here. Are you still fighting? If you get divorced, do I get two Christmas’s?

Penny: We’re not getting divorced.

Leonard: Listen, we realized, that, uh, we’re facing some new challenges as a married couple.

Penny: Yeah. And there are a few things we need to stay on top of. So we thought it would useful, and I can’t believe I’m about to say this, um.

Leonard: Would you please help us make a relationship agreement? But one that’s tailored to us, okay, we don’t need a bathroom schedule.

Penny: Although a rule about him texting me from in there might help with the romance.

Leonard: What do you say?

Sheldon: I get to write a contract? I say, let’s get this party of the first part started.

Penny (after Amy laughs): Do you really think that’s funny?

Amy: It’s in our agreement. I have to laugh.

Scene: The apartment.

Sheldon: If you find this draft acceptable, then I believe your new relationship agreement is ready to be signed.

Penny: Article 8, subsection B, Leonard will restrict videogaming in underpants to hours Penny is not home. This includes boxers, briefs, thongs, G-strings or anything else that calls attention to his pasty little thighs.

Leonard: Does it really need to say that?

Sheldon: I did this for free, let me get a little something.

Leonard: Article 10, subsection C, if questioned Penny may not say that everything is fine if it isn’t. Other unacceptable responses include, it’s nothing, don’t worry about it, and, I said it’s nothing don’t worry about it.

Penny: I think this all looks good.

Leonard: Me, too.

Sheldon: Oh well, great then, here, you sign here, date here, and Penny, if you could initial here to indicate that you’re accepting Leonard in as is condition.

Amy: I remember signing our first relationship agreement.

Sheldon: Mm. You seem to be forgetting the no nostalgia clause.

Amy: Right, right. Got it.

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