Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation

Scene: The laboratory.

Howard: Okay, I’m zeroing out the electro-osmotic flow rate in the micro-fluidic channel.

Leonard: Nicely done, Howard.

Howard: Well, my wife is four-foot-ten and sexually satisfied, so clearly I know my way around tiny things.

Leonard: Good for you, on the cutting edge of new technology and still making inappropriate comments about the mother of your child.

Howard: Those are just the things I say out loud.

Sheldon: Gentlemen, we need to stop immediately.

Howard: What’s wrong?

Sheldon: I’m looking at the math, and I think we can make the device between eight and ten percent smaller.

Leonard: That’s great, but the Air Force approved the specs. We’re good to go.

Howard: Yeah. It doesn’t need to be smaller.

Sheldon: Shame on you. Where would we be if poodle breeders had that attitude? I’ll tell you. We would have the standard and the miniature poodle, but no toy or teacup. Which by the way, is not an officially recognized breed, but that’s just poodle politics.

Leonard: Can we please stop talking about poodles?

Sheldon: Fine. Candy bars. Now, do you enjoy a fun size? I know you do.

Howard: Sheldon, we don’t need to make this smaller, and your work is done. Go home.

Sheldon: I don’t want to go home.

Leonard: Fine, go for a little walk.

Sheldon: Then what?

Leonard: Just keep walking.

Credits sequence.

Scene: The laboratory.

Leonard: At least it’s quiet when he takes bathroom breaks.

Howard: I know. That’s why I keep refilling his water when he’s not looking.

Leonard: You’re kidding.

Howard: I don’t care if we’re in a drought, it’s worth it.

Leonard: You know, I do have a way to get him out of our hair. I’ve been holding onto this for a few years, but maybe now’s the time.

Howard: We can just lock the door, you don’t have to kill him.

Leonard: You can’t kill him, he’ll just respawn at the last save point.

Sheldon: Oh, that was my sixth trip to the bathroom. As long as that’s not a urinary tract infection, that’s a personal best.

Leonard: Hey, uh, buddy, I got you a little present.

Sheldon: Really?

Leonard: Yeah. Go ahead, open it.

Sheldon: Congratulations. The bearer of this certificate is entitled to the ultimate train experience at The Nevada Northern Railway. You are at the throttle. You are the engineer. You are running the locomotive. This doesn’t happen very often, but here comes a hug. Oh, dear, I have to tinkle again.

Leonard: Okay. Where were we?

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.

Bernadette: For Howie’s occupation, should I include that he was an astronaut?

Amy: Well, he mentioned it in his mother’s eulogy, so why not?

Penny: I can’t believe you have to fill out a preschool application for an infant.

Raj: Uh, the one at Caltech has a crazy wait list. I warned you, a lot of people apply when they’re still pregnant.

Bernadette: Well, I didn’t. I also skipped a birthing class to see Zootopia so back off.

Raj: Whoa. Just trying to help.

Bernadette: Sorry. Howie’s back at work and there’s just so much going on.

Amy: Is there anything we can do?

Bernadette: Sure. Open up a college fund, shop for life insurance, and in the laundry room, there’s a mountain of dirty laundry. Wash it or burn in, your choice. Ugh, be right back.

Raj: No, no. I will take care of it.

Bernadette: Oh, thank you.

Raj: While I’m gone, you can think about how mean you were to me.

Penny: All right, you know what you need? A night away from all of this. You know, where you can just kind of relax and, I’m just gonna turn this off. Much better. Seriously, let’s plan a night, you know, give you a break. We could go dancing.

Bernadette: That sounds really nice.

Amy: Oh. All this week, the Early Music Society of Pasadena is doing a joint concert with the San Gabriel Renaissance Choir.

Penny: Okay, that’s the one to beat.

Amy: Good luck. People have been saying that for 600 years.

Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.

Amy: Hey, you’re home early.

Sheldon: You’ll never believe it. Leonard gave me the most incredible gift, a trip to a historic railway, and I get to operate an actual locomotive.

Amy: Wow. He finally used it. What’d you do?

Sheldon: No idea. All I know is I’m gonna be working on the railroad all the livelong day.

Amy: Well, I’m really happy for you.

Sheldon: Oh, no. It’s not just me. No. The railway is four hours from the nearest airport, and guess who gets to drive me.

Amy: I give up.

Sheldon: You.

Amy: No. I really give up.

Sheldon: Oh, oh. And guess where we get to sleep? Our choice of a turn-of-the-century railway bunkhouse or a working caboose. Now, the problem with a caboose is there’s no bathroom, but the problem with the bunkhouse is it’s not a caboose. On the first day, I get to drive a steam engine. Oh, and the second day, a diesel engine. Oh, and if I volunteer to do track maintenance and paperwork, they’ll let me stay as long as I want. So you might want to pack enough clothes for the rest of our lives.

Amy: Can I pee now?

Sheldon: Oh, get this. I get to take a test based on a 125-page manual. I get to learn things like hand signals. Ooh. There’s forward, uh, reverse, set the brakes. Are you done yet? You’re missing

some great stuff out here. Oh, this is good. There are dozens of railroad crossings you have to blow the whistle for. But that is the figurative you, not the literal you. I’ll be blowing the whistle. Amy, get up. It’s time to go to work.

Scene: The laboratory.

Leonard: This train thing worked out better than I thought. He’s home studying the engineer’s manual.

Howard: It’s so peaceful without him here. Can I ask you how much that cost?

Leonard: Four thousand dollars, worth every penny.

Col Williams: Gentlemen.

Leonard: Colonel Williams. Sir.

Col Williams: Just wanted to see how the guidance system’s coming along.

Howard: Great. We found a cooling solution that allowed us to get the size of the prototype down to the target specs.

Leonard: As a cooling solution, it’s pretty cool.

Col Williams: Don’t do that. What’s this?

Leonard: Oh, nothing. Just some math we don’t need.

Col Williams: This is a different approach. Are you trying to get the guidance system even smaller?

Leonard: It’s just a theory. Uh, it’s not even worked out.

Col Williams: Oh. I want this.

Howard: But we’ve already met the agreed upon specs. Going smaller would require weeks’ worth of new computations.

Col Williams: So get the kid with the two shirts to do it.

Leonard: Sir, uh, if I may, uh, we’ve put a lot of thought and effort into this current prototype. It’s a really elegant solution, and most importantly, it works.

Col Williams: Yeah, I want this.

Howard: Okay, but that’s just a theory. It’s not even a complete thought.

Col Williams: You both make excellent points, and thank you for presenting it so articulately. Make this.

Howard: The kid with the two shirts screwed us again.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.

Penny: All right. You guys ready to get crazy?

Amy: Well, the bra under here ain’t beige.

Raj: Okay. You ladies have fun tonight.

Stuart: Don’t worry about Halley. Uncle Stuart’s on the job.

Raj: Under the careful supervision of her godfather.

Stuart: My apologies. I didn’t mean to offend you, Don Corleone.

Raj: Like I said, you ladies have fun.

Bernadette: We will. Got my dancing shoes, got my breast pump. Let’s party.

Penny: You know, if you pump at the bar, I promise we’ll get free drinks.

Bernadette: Call if there’s any problems.

Penny: No. She’s busy. You call Howard.

Raj: Got it.

Bernadette: Call me. Don’t call Howard.

Raj: I would never call Howard.

Stuart: Okay, instead of arguing all night, let’s just split up the baby chores.

Raj: Yeah, great. Um, I’ll put food in her top half, you deal with whatever comes out the bottom.

Scene: The stairwell.

Howard: I can’t believe we have to ask Sheldon to come back and help us.

Leonard: Oh, boo-hoo. I spent four grand on a gift that only got rid of him for an afternoon. What is that?

Howard: I don’t know, but if he yells It’s alive, we run.

Sheldon: Oh, hey. If you knocked, I couldn’t hear you. I’m welding this locomotive engine. And if you didn’t knock, how about some manners?

Howard: How’d you even get that up the stairs?

Sheldon: I said to myself, I think I can, I think I can. And then I couldn’t, so I paid two men who promised not to come rob us later.

Leonard: Okay, look, Sheldon, the Colonel wants us to make the guidance system smaller, and we can’t do it without you.

Sheldon: Interesting. Well, so I was right.

Howard: Open a window. It’s about to get smug in here.

Sheldon: Well, I would love to help you, but since I discovered the satisfaction of working with my hands on a train engine, I don’t think I can go back to theory. I’m an engineer now. And, hey, just to be clear, a train engineer. Not that goofy kind you are.

Leonard: Sheldon, you can still go on the trip in a few weeks. Just help us out.

Sheldon: Sorry. I need to work on this engine so when I get to the train yard I won’t look foolish.

Howard: He’s worried about looking foolish. That’s a heapin’ helping of irony right there.

Leonard: Come on, you know you’re not leaving physics. Why are you doing this?

Sheldon: Leonard, in the world of theoretical physics, you never finish. So much is unprovable. But when I was studying that railway guide, it was so tangible and so satisfying that something just clicked. Then it clacked. Then it clicked, then it clacked, click-clack clickety-clack, and here we are. Whoo-whoo.

Scene: Penny’s car.

Amy: Hey, did you hear anything back from the Caltech preschool?

Bernadette: Not yet, but we’re gonna apply to a bunch of others just to keep our options open.

Penny: Okay, stop that. No more preschool talk. Tonight is about having fun.

Amy: Nothing says fun like being scolded.

Bernadette (phone rings): Oh, it’s Raj. Everything okay?

Raj: Don’t worry. Everything’s fine.

Stuart: Hang up, we don’t need help.

Raj: I don’t need your help deciding when we need help!

Bernadette: Raj, what’s going on?

Raj: Yes, so, I was just warming up some milk for Halley, and I thought it smelled a little funky, so I checked the date that you wrote on the bottle, and it says Flerbsday.

Stuart: It says Tuesday.

Raj: How is that a T?

Bernadette: I’m sure it’s fine, but if you’re worried, there’s extra milk in the freezer.

Raj: Okay, yes, I will err on the side of caution and defrost a fresh batch.

Stuart: You’re wasting perfectly good milk.

Raj: Fine, you drink it.

Stuart: It’s just milk.

Bernadette: Stuart, don’t you drink my milk.

Penny: Okay, give. Can you guys handle this or not?

Raj: Oh, of course we can. Uh, you girls have a good time. She said I was in charge.

Stuart: Hmm. So we just throw this away?

Raj: What else are you gonna do with it? Put it in your coffee?

Stuart: Well, I don’t take it black.

Scene: The apartment.

Leonard: Okay. This is everything he had on the board. I’m sure we can figure the rest out.

Howard: All right. Hmm. Feel free to jump in. Hmm is all I got.

Leonard: Oh, we can get this. Is there any chance it’s upside-down?

Howard: Maybe we can find another theoretical physicist to help us.

Leonard: It’s classified. If we tell anyone, we’d get in trouble.

Howard: Hey, I came up with that and hmm. You haven’t pitched anything.

Leonard: Just keep thinking. I got it.

Howard: You really figured it out?

Leonard: No, but when we show this nonsense to Sheldon, it will make him crazy, and he’ll have to fix it.

Howard: Oh, you’re a genius.

Leonard: Yeah, I know. That’s not even a math symbol. That’s just Charlie Brown’s hair.

Scene: Penny’s car

Penny: Sorry, guys. This club was so great, how could they turn it into a bookstore? I thought we got rid of all those.

Amy: Renaissance Choir’s looking pretty good right now, huh?

Bernadette (on phone): Hello?

Raj: Nothing to worry about. She’s just been crying for a little while, and I was wondering if you had any tricks to get her to sleep.

Stuart: She was sleeping just fine till you took a selfie with her.

Raj: She was blowing a spit bubble. It was adorable.

Bernadette: You guys got this? Do you need me to come home?

Stuart: Wait. She’s settling down.

Raj: Oh, okay, false alarm. Little parenting tip, sleeping babies hate flash photography.

Penny: Is everything okay?

Bernadette: Yeah. I may have just left my infant daughter with Patrick and SpongeBob.

Amy: Hey, there’s another dance club nearby. I mean, I don’t know how you feel about Latin music, but according to their horas of operación, they’re open.

Penny: Maybe we should just call it a night.

Amy: You sure? They’re open till dos.

Bernadette: Yeah, we’re all dressed up. Why go home?

Penny: I’m just not really in the mood anymore.

Bernadette: What’s going on with you?

Penny: I don’t know. This is all starting to feel like a sad attempt to recapture our youth.

Bernadette: I’m not sad. I just wanted to get drunk and not wear sweatpants.

Amy: I’m not sad. I mean, hello.

Penny: Okay, maybe I’m the one who’s sad.

Amy: What are you sad about?

Penny: Maybe the fact that you went and had a baby.

Bernadette: You’re upset I had a baby?

Penny: No, of course not. I just, I didn’t think it would make me have all these feelings.

Amy: What feelings?

Penny: Pressure. I mean, she’s looking at preschools, she has a minivan, she has a 401K. Before she talked about it, I just thought that was a race.

Bernadette: You think that stuff is fun? Being a parent is terrifying. I’m constantly worried, I’m always tired, and in a few minutes I’m gonna milk myself in a bookstore parking lot.

Penny: I get that, okay? It’s just, Leonard and I have been married for two years, and we’re no further along than when we were dating.

Amy: Come on. You’ve got so much to feel good about. You’ve got a great job now.

Penny: Yeah, I guess I am making decent money.

Amy: You make more than I do.

Bernadette: You may not have a house yet, but your apartment’s great.

Amy: It’s bigger than mine.

Bernadette: And Leonard loves you so much, he married you twice.

Amy: I’m not even engaged once. I don’t even know if Sheldon thinks about marriage. I’m not getting any younger. Honestly, I kind of thought by now, we might have had some sort of…

Bernadette: Careful. The sound of crying can make me lactate.

Amy: I’m sorry. I can’t help it.

Penny: Oh, that’s gonna make me cry.

Bernadette: And there they go.

Penny: Ew.

Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.

Leonard: Well, Sheldon, turns out we didn’t need you after all.

Howard: That’s right. We figured it out all by ourselves. Wasn’t even that hard.

Leonard: No.

Sheldon: Well, good for you guys. Look, I have a grease smudge on my hand, and I’m okay with it.

Leonard: Aren’t you gonna look at the board to see how right we are?

Sheldon: No, thanks. I’m busy trying to fix this fuel pump.

Howard: It’s a manifold.

Sheldon: Oh. Well, I guess it’s fixed.

Leonard: Just look at the board.

Sheldon: That’s wrong.

Leonard: Oh, no, what should we have done differently?

Sheldon: Well, first of all, you can’t use relativistic and non-relativistic vectors in the same equation.

Howard: Told ya. Can you fix it for us?

Sheldon: Okay, but this is the last time. Nice try, blockheads.

Leonard: Come on, Sheldon. You can’t turn your back on physics, and besides, you have no idea what you’re doing with this stuff.

Howard: But if you really want to learn the mechanical side, I can teach you anything you want to know.

Leonard: And instead of standing around watching, you can help us build your smaller guidance system.

Howard: And with all these new skills, you’d be able to fix any model train. You’d be the king of the train store.

Sheldon: Excuse me. I have a girlfriend. I’m already king of the train store.

Leonard: So, what do you say?

Sheldon: Oh, what choice do I have? You need me. I’m like the crankshaft of this team.

Howard: That’s a turbo.

Sheldon: Well, whatever it is, it looks heavy. I’m gonna need you two to get it downstairs before Amy comes home.

Scene: The cab of a steam locomotive.

Sheldon: I apologize that it’s so warm in here.

Amy: It is warm in here.

Sheldon: I’ve worked up a bit of a sweat.

Amy: Me, too.

Sheldon: May I borrow your water?

Sheldon (voice): The light’s green.

Amy (now in her car): Sorry.

Sheldon: GPS says we’ll be at the railway in three hours.

Amy: I can get us there in two.


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