Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation

Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.

Sheldon: All right, we’re about to go live, everyone on their A-game, good energy. Hello. I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper.

Amy: And I’m Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler.

Sheldon: And welcome to a special retrospective, where we will take a look back at the history of Fun with Flags on an episode we’re calling…

Together: Fun with Flags: Behind the Flags: A Retrospective.

Howard (singing): Wondering how it all began?

Raj (singing): You’ll need a good attention span.

Howard (singing): For information and entertainment.

Raj (singing): That’s equally effective.

Together (singing): It’s fun with flags, behind the flags, a retrospective. Flags.

Sheldon: Mind you, when we say behind the flags, we don’t literally mean these flags. That’s just where we have dinner.

Amy: Now, I’m sure many of you are wondering how Fun with Flags began.

Sheldon: So let’s hear from some people who were there at the very start. How, Howard, flashback sounds.

Amy: Could have played that on my harp.

Sheldon: Just roll the clip. (On voiceover) So tell us in your own words about that magical moment when Fun with Flags was born.

Leonard: I honestly don’t remember.

Sheldon: Sure you do. I was telling you both the story about how Haiti and Lichtenstein discovered they had the same flag. It was at the Summer Olympics of 1936, and two plucky nations…

Penny: Oh, wait. I remember.

Sheldon: Oh, and do you remember what you said?

Penny: Yes. Please find someone who cares.

Sheldon: And that’s exactly what I did. I found a lot of someones.

Amy: Almost 200. Many of them on purpose.

Sheldon: And now we’re going to turn it over to you, the viewers, to call in and share your favourite Fun with Flags moments.

Amy: And don’t get discouraged if the phone lines are jammed. Just keep trying. (Long pause) Oh, thank God, welcome to Fun with Flags.

Bert: Hey, Sheldon. Hey, Amy. It’s Bert.

Sheldon: Hello, Bert. What is your flag-related comment or query?

Bert: I have a girlfriend.

Amy: And what does that have to do with flags?

Bert: Nothing. I just wanted everyone to know I have a girlfriend.

Sheldon: Bert, you’re tying up the line. My apologies to all of you trying to call in with legitimate flag comments.

Amy: Ooh, ooh. All right. We have our next caller.

Bert: Her name’s Rebecca.

Credits sequence.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s van.

Howard: Should we get lunch or you want to eat at the zoo? Oh, Howie, I don’t need food as long as I can look at my phone.

Bernadette: I don’t like when you imitate me.

Howard: You want to hear my Stuart? It’s been a while since I’ve gone on a date. You mind if we watch the monkeys doing it?

Stuart: I said that to you in confidence.

Howard: This is supposed to be our family fun day. What’s so important on your phone?

Bernadette: I’m on the day care’s website.

Howard: Stop looking at that. The day care’s great. It’s on campus. My office is two minutes away. There’s nothing to worry about.

Bernadette: What if she likes the people who work there more than us?

Howard: She already likes soap bubbles more than us.

Bernadette: When I go back to work, we’re gonna leave her with these people. We don’t know anything about them.

Howard: They’re highly-trained educators with background checks. They’re even required to be current on all vaccinations.

Stuart: You leave her with me, and I’m not any of those things.

Scene: The cafeteria.

Sheldon: Where’s Howard?

Raj: He took the day off.

Sheldon: Oh, let’s take advantage of his absence and tell the kinds of jokes only physicists get. I’ll go first. Okay, here. Uh, Heisenberg is pulled over by a police officer. And the policeman says, did you know you were going 85 miles per hour? And Heisenberg says, darn it, now I don’t know where I am.

Leonard: So Howard back Monday?

Raj: Yeah.

Bert: Hey, guys.

Sheldon: Oh, hello.

Leonard: Hey. Want to join us?

Sheldon: Ah-ah-ah, he’s a geologist, and I have more physics jokes.

Raj: Oh, quick, sit.

Leonard: So, Sheldon says you have a new girlfriend.

Sheldon: Yeah, which he rudely announced on my flag show. People were so upset about it no one else called in the rest of the night.

Bert: Sorry. I couldn’t help myself. I guess I just love love.

Raj: Well, I’m very happy for you.

Leonard: Hey, we’re all having dinner tonight. Why don’t the two of you join us?

Sheldon: Hold on. We don’t know anything about this woman.

Bert: What do you want to know?

Sheldon: Is she a geologist?

Bert: No.

Sheldon: Oh great, see you at seven.

Scene: The Zoo.

Howard: How about after this we go see the exotic bird show?

Stuart: Not a good idea. My hair is a coveted nesting material.

Howard: Learning anything?

Bernadette: Well, sloth babies cling to their mothers’ bodies for almost a year. I’m going back to work after only four months, so I’ve learned I hate myself, I hate sloths, and I hate you for bringing me here.

Howard: Me I get, but that sloth is pretty cute.

Bernadette: It’s not just the sloth. Polar bears nurse their cubs for almost eight months. The orangutan mother builds her baby a new home every night. And what do I do? I choose my career over my child.

Stuart: Told you we should have gone to Legoland.

Scene: The apartment.

Raj: Can’t believe Bert has a girlfriend and I don’t.

Amy: I thought you were taking a break from women to focus on your career.

Raj: Oh, grow up.

Leonard: Don’t you have any friends he can date?

Penny: Hey, I already set up Howard and Bernadette. It’s your turn to ruin some poor girl’s life.

Raj: Oh, hey, guys. Come in.

Bert: Thanks. Everyone, this is Rebecca.

Rebecca: Hi.

Leonard: Hey.

Sheldon: She’s younger and far more attractive than he is. They’re copying you two.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.

Howard: What are you making?

Stuart: Chicken. Birds mess with my hair, I come back hard.

Howard: Finally get Halley down?

Bernadette: Yeah, eventually. She’s still not happy about taking a bottle, though.

Howard: Look, if you’re not ready to go back to work, we’ll figure something out.

Bernadette: No, I’ll be fine.

Stuart: It might be good for her. Howard’s mother was around him all the time, and he’s a world-class mama’s boy.

Howard: I mean, why would you say that?

Stuart: Go ahead, have a tantrum, that’ll prove me wrong.

Bernadette: It would be nice to raise Halley to be a little more independent than you were.

Howard: I guess. It wasn’t until college that I learned you can put a thermometer in your mouth.

Stuart: On that charming note, dinner is served.

Scene: The apartment.

Penny: So is this your first time dating a scientist? ‘Cause I’m thinking of starting a support group.

Rebecca: Actually, I’m not new to this. I was engaged to a Scientologist.

Sheldon: Bert, Rebecca. I’d like to apologize for my insensitive comment earlier.

Rebecca: Don’t worry about it. It’s fine.

Sheldon: See? It was fine. I didn’t need a time-out.

Amy: It wasn’t a time-out. Let’s get some food.

Sheldon: You made me sit on the stairs and think about what I did.

Amy: Get your food.

Raj: So how did you two meet?

Rebecca: Oh, it’s such a cute story. We met on a dating Web site.

Leonard: Is that it?

Rebecca: Oh, sorry. The end.

Raj: That’s nice. I haven’t had much success meeting people online.

Bert: I didn’t either, until I revamped my profile.

Sheldon: What’d you do, delete your photo?

Amy: Go.

Sheldon: Fine.

Amy: And don’t you slam that door.

Sheldon: Aw, man.

Rebecca: Did I say something wrong?

Leonard: No, it’s always him.

Penny: , Bert, you were telling us how you updated your profile?

Bert: Right. I wasn’t getting any responses, and then I added recent $625,000 MacArthur grant winner, and five minutes later I met my soul mate.

Amy: I was wrong. You can come back in.

Leonard: So, Rebecca, how did you become a personal trainer?

Rebecca: I came to Los Angeles to be an actress, and things didn’t really work out.

Sheldon: I’d say she’s copying you again, but I’m getting tired of sitting in the hall.

Raj: I’d love a personal trainer. I haven’t seen my abs since they opened a Shake Shack on my drive home.

Rebecca: I could give you some free sessions.

Penny: Oh, is that offer for everybody?

Leonard: Nice try. I’m not going.

Rebecca: Where’s your bathroom?

Leonard: Mm, just down there.

Bert: She’s so perfect, sometimes I think she isn’t real. And then she goes to the bathroom, and I know she is.

Penny: Aw, that’s so weird.

Amy: I’m sorry, Bert, but aren’t you worried she’s only with you for your money?

Bert: She better be. On our first date, I bought her an 80-inch flat-screen.

Sheldon: Your first date? Did you even measure her walls?

Penny: You know, on our first date, Leonard used a coupon to buy me a pretzel.

Leonard: And we lived happily ever after.

Penny: The end.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.

Bernadette: Well, guess I’m ready to go.

Howard: Have a great first day back.

Bernadette: You have everything she needs for day care?

Stuart: Yep, all in the bag.

Bernadette: Okay. Okay, sweetie, Mommy’s gonna go to work now, so you have fun today.

Howard: I told her if day care is anything like prison, find the biggest baby and knock him out.

Stuart: Bye, cutie. I’m gonna miss you. I’m gonna be waiting right here tonight when you get home.

Bernadette: Stop, you’re gonna make me cry.

Howard: Great, now everybody’s crying.

Stuart: At least Halley’s not.

Howard: That’s good.

Bernadette: She’s not gonna see us all day, and she doesn’t even care.

Scene: The cafeteria.

Sheldon: Who’s ready to laugh?

Leonard: O-o-o-o-oh.

Sheldon: Okay. So, Feynman, Einstein and Schrodinger walk into a bar. Feynman says, it appears

we’re inside a joke. Einstein replies, but only to an observer who saw us walk in simultaneously. To which Schrodinger says, if someone’s looking in the window, I’m leaving.

Leonard: That’s actually funny.

Raj: You should send that to Jimmy Fallon.

Bert: Hey.

Leonard: Oh, hello. Join us.

Raj: Hey. Yeah. Hey, sorry if last night was awkward.

Bert: Actually, it got me thinking that I shouldn’t flaunt my money to find love. I might break up with Rebecca.

Leonard: Wow, that’s a big step.

Raj: I think it shows a lot of character.

Bert: I’m gonna hold out and see if I can find a hot young blonde who likes me for me.

Sheldon: That’s a good one. Okay, now, Leonard, you tell a joke.

Scene: The daycare.

Bernadette (on phone): How’s she doing?

Howard: She’s great. Look.

Bernadette: I see a wall, floor, some Asian baby, there she is.

Howard: See? Nothing to worry about.

Bernadette: Thank you. Okay, I’m gonna try and get some work done.

Howard: Yeah, me, too. Love you.

Bernadette: Love you, too. Bye.

Stuart: How is she?

Howard: What are you doing here?

Stuart: Can’t a guy hang out at a college he doesn’t go to and stare at a baby that isn’t his?

Howard: I get it. I haven’t even made it to my office yet.

Stuart: Is it weird if we just stand here and watch her all day?

Howard: Probably. We should go.

Stuart: Yeah. Or we could take her to the aquarium.

Howard: I’ll get her, you grab her bag.

Stuart: Hang on, Halley, we’re busting you out of there.

Scene: The apartment.

Amy: What are you looking at?

Sheldon: Comments from our Behind the Flags retrospective. Get this, people are calling it the longest one yet.

Bert: Hello? Anybody home?

Leonard: Is that Bert?

Bert: It’s Bert.

Penny: I think it’s Bert.

Raj: Hey, what’s up?

Bert: I broke up with Rebecca.

Penny: Oh.

Amy: Oh. You know, good for you.

Bert: No, I miss her. I don’t know why I listened to you.

Sheldon: He’s not wrong. It was your crackpot idea that he deserves love.

Amy: You know, you need to start raising your hand before you speak. Yes, starting now.

Penny: Bert, you’re a good guy, you deserve a woman who’s interested in more than just your money.

Bert: She was also interested in walking around my house in her underwear. Now the only one doing that is me.

Leonard: If you’re that upset, go get her back.

Bert: I tried. She’s not answering my calls. Which really hurts because I bought her that phone. I made a huge mistake.

Raj: No, you didn’t. Okay? Look, Bert, when I had money, I dated lots of girls who weren’t right for me. And then I gave up my money, and now I’m alone and living with my friends, and somebody else should probably talk now.

Penny: Look, sweetie, relationships aren’t about money, okay? It’s about respect and having things in common and… yes, Sheldon?

Sheldon: You and Leonard don’t have anything in common. Maybe you should break up.

Leonard: You called on him.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.

Stuart: Guess who’s home from day care?

Howard: It’s Halley. Unless somebody else put an X on the bottom of their kid’s foot.

Bernadette: You realize they called when you took her.

Howard: Guess who’s home from the aquarium?

Scene: The apartment.

Bert: Sorry again for barging in.

Leonard: You don’t have to go. You’re welcome to hang with us.

Sheldon: Actually, our friendship group is at capacity. But if anybody drops out, you’re at the top of the list. Unless it’s Raj, in which case, we’ll probably get a person of colour.

Bert: You guys are nice, but I’m just gonna buy Rebecca a Jet Ski and see if that gets her back.

Raj: I feel bad for Bert.

Sheldon: So he’s using his money to attract a mate. Is that any different than me using my intelligence to attract Amy? Or Leonard using his power of grovelling to get Penny?

Leonard: It’s totally different. Bert’s money might run out, but I can beg until the end of time.

Penny: All that and he’s shorter than me.

Raj: Sheldon, what did Amy have that attracted you?

Sheldon: Oh, so many things. Her mind, her kindness, and especially her body.

Raj: Really?

Amy: Relax. We’re the same blood type. He knew he could harvest an organ.

Scene: The daycare.

Howard: She does look happy.

Bernadette: See? This is the right thing for her. Let’s all just go to work.

Stuart: Any time.

Bernadette: Let me just say good-bye. Halley. Look at Mommy. Over here, honey. Say good-bye to Mommy. Look at me. Look at your mother. All right, we can go.

Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.

Sheldon: Hello. I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper.

Amy: And I’m Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler.

Sheldon: Based on the glowing reception of our recent Behind the Flags retrospective, we thought you might like to see how it all came together.

Amy: So welcome to tonight’s episode,

Together: Fun with Flags: Behind the Behind the Flags: A Retrospective Retrospective.

Sheldon: Ooh, we already have our first call.

Amy: Oh. Hello, you’re on Fun with Flags.

Bert: The Jet Ski worked. I got her back.

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