Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration

Scene: The apartment.

Leonard: We’re pinned down.

Howard: We can’t get through.

Raj: Sheldon, get over here and help.

Sheldon: Okay, one second.

Leonard: Sheldon, why are you jumping up and down?

Sheldon: I’m trying to shoot.

Howard: Then use the shoot button, not the wonderful thing about Tiggers button.

Leonard: Aw.

Raj: That’s it, we’re dead.

Howard: Okay, challenge them again.

Leonard: Doing it right now. Oh, they can’t. There’s an important Little League game tomorrow.

Howard: No wonder they beat us, they’re jocks.

Sheldon: What happened to me? I used to excel at these things.

Howard: Kids are always better at video games.

Sheldon: Well, I don’t like it.

Leonard: Mm, if it makes you feel better, you still dress like a child.

Sheldon: No, but it’s not just video games. I downloaded the new O.S. for my phone, took me a week to stop accidentally texting kissy faces to everyone.

Howard: Oh, so our love is not real?

Raj: Well, I know how you feel. I tried one of those electronic Japanese toilets, practically shot myself across the room.

Sheldon: I guess I just need to face it, I’m no longer a wunderkind. Now I just wonder what’s for lunch.

Leonard: Hot dogs.

Sheldon: Yay.

Credits sequence.

Scene: A bar.

Penny: I didn’t know you could drink while you’re breastfeeding.

Bernadette: Yeah, they say the yeast in beer helps with milk production.

Amy: I’m pretty sure that’s a myth, let me check.

Bernadette: Ruin it for me and I’ll break this glass over your head.

Amy: To denial.

Penny: Ooh. I’m gonna get another. You want food?

Bernadette: Yeah, breastfeeding burns, like, 5,000 calories a day. Do not touch that phone.

Zack: Penny?

Penny: Oh, Zack. Hey.

Zack: What are the odds of running into you here?

Penny: Well, it’s a bar, so pretty good. Uh, what’s new?

Zack: Oh, tons of stuff. Put artificial grass in my backyard, got engaged, had a scary mole that turned out to be Sharpie.

Penny: Well, congratulations.

Zack: That’s what my dermatologist said.

Penny: No, on, on getting engaged, good for you.

Zack: Oh, thanks. How about you? Hey, how’s Leonard? Is he still smart?

Penny: Yes, yes, he’s working for the government on an infinite persistence gyroscope. Of course, the first time I say it right, he’s not even here.

Zack: I love that little guy. Hey, we should all have dinner sometime.

Penny: Uh, yeah, sure, I’ll check with Leonard.

Zack: Cool, I’ll check with Sara. Sara, pull up my calendar. It never works for me.

Scene: The comic book store.

Sheldon: I’ve been thinking about our recent humiliation.

Leonard: You’re gonna have to be more specific.

Sheldon: At the hands of those teenagers.

Leonard: More.

Sheldon: Boy teenagers.

Leonard: Oh, the video game. Yeah, that was bad.

Sheldon: I started doing some reading on cognitive vitality, and I came across an area of research called super-aging.

Raj: You know who’s a super-ager? Jennifer Lopez. Like, what is her secret?

Howard: Now, this is rare. I don’t know which one of you I want to stop talking first.

Sheldon: The theory is that if you really tax your brain, the neurofibers will become thicker and the glial cells more lustrous.

Raj: Like J-Lo’s hair.

Howard: Boy, it is neck and neck right now.

Leonard: How is super-aging any different than, like, doing crossword puzzles?

Sheldon: Well, it’s not just doing simple cognitive tasks. You need to push your brain out of its comfort zone and reach mental exhaustion.

Leonard: I drive you to work every day, my brain must look like the Hulk.

Raj: If you really want to challenge yourself, you could learn to speak Hindi.

Sheldon: Jab mein aat saal ka tha maine seekha tha. (I did that when I was eight)

Raj: Could you say that in English? I actually, I never learned Hindi.

Scene: The apartment.

Penny: Hey, you ready to go?

Leonard: Yeah, I guess.

Penny: What’s the matter?

Leonard: Honestly? It’s a little strange having dinner with your ex-boyfriend, and it’s not like we have a lot to talk about.

Penny: What? He loves you, okay? And he’s interested in your work. You could talk about the infinite perspective… I swear I know it.

Leonard: It’ll be fine, let’s just go.

Penny: Well, and his fiancée will be there, so you know, if the conversation lags, we can talk about their wedding.

Leonard: Aaargh.

Penny: Come on, I spent an entire plane ride with you talking about the trailer for Deadpool 2.

Leonard: Ha, I knew you weren’t asleep.

Scene: A restaurant.

Zack: Hey, guys.

Penny: Hi. Hey, where’s your fiancée?

Zack: Oh, she couldn’t make it. She had an emergency.

Penny: Oh, no, what happened?

Zack: I didn’t ask.

Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.

Amy: Hey.

Sheldon: Hey.

Raj: Hey.

Amy: What smells so good?

Sheldon: Raj is teaching me to make croissants.

Amy: Is this part of your super-aging?

Sheldon: Yes. Yeah, it seemed daunting at first, but then I realized, it’s like the chemistry set I had as a kid. Only, when your brother eats this, no one has to call Poison Control.

Raj: Okay. Shall we? Oh, my God. It’s light, it’s flaky, it’s buttery. You don’t need to have sex with him, just eat one of these.

Sheldon: Yes, it is delicious. Physicist, baker, lover, what can’t I do?

Amy: Well, clearly mental tasks are not enough. Maybe you need to challenge your motor skills.

Sheldon: For the last time, I am not having a tickle fight with you.

Raj: You want a real challenge, try keeping me from eating more of these.

Sheldon: You’re just using food to mask the fear that you’re fundamentally unlovable and therefore going to be alone forever.

Raj: Damn it, he’s good at that, too.

Scene: The restaurant.

Zack: Thanks. Wow, working on a top secret government project, that is so cool. Do you have a bodyguard to keep spies away?

Leonard: I have Sheldon, that keeps most people away.

Zack: I miss that guy. He’s like the Swedish Chef Muppet. I don’t know what he’s saying, but he’s funny.

Leonard: Oh, I know what he’s saying, and he’s not, he’s not funny.

Zack: So, Penny, what’s going on with you? How’s the job?

Penny: Uh, it’s okay, I’m still in pharmaceutical sales.

Leonard: She’s doing amazing. She can actually make a side effect, like 10% chance of liver failure, sound like a 90% chance of liver success.

Penny: Yeah, lying isn’t my favourite part of the job. Actually, I’m not crazy about a lot of it.

Zack: Hey, if you’re not happy there, I’ve been looking for a new head of sales at my company. And we don’t sell drugs, just menus, so the only lie you’ll be telling is we print on recycled paper. We don’t.

Penny: Oh, that’s a nice offer.

Zack: You know, we’d make a great team. Or as we say in the menu business, I can’t do this without Me N U.

Penny: Right, ’cause it spells menu.

Zack: Yeah, right? It’s funny. I got a lot of menu jokes, but that’s my favourite.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.

Howard: All right, this is everything. What do you want to learn?

Sheldon: It really doesn’t matter, as long as it’s challenging.

Howard: Okay, well, how about, oh, I teach you some close-up magic.

Sheldon: Howard, I’m trying to make myself uncomfortable, not everyone else.

Bernadette: So you wanted to learn something physical and you came to Howard Wolowitz?

Howard: Hey, the circus arts are very physically and mentally demanding. Have you ever tried to juggle?

Bernadette: Yes, I’m juggling my love for you and my embarrassment of you right now.

Howard: And it’s hard, isn’t it? So the key is, the moment one ball is at the top of its arc, you toss the next one. Hmm?

Sheldon: Okay, I think I got that.

Howard: Uh, hold on. There’s an old saying in juggling.

Bernadette: Is it I’m going to die alone?

Howard: No, it’s if you want to have fun, start with one. Yours we think, but we do not say. All right, just toss it up and catch it a few times, get comfortable with it.

Sheldon: Okay. Just to be on the safe side, am I in any danger of getting juggler’s elbow?

Howard: No.

Sheldon: Are you sure? ‘Cause I’m feeling a twinge.

Scene: Penny’s car.

Penny: See, that wasn’t so bad. He even picked up the check.

Leonard: Yeah. Although, when he was trying to figure out the tip, I’m pretty sure I saw smoke coming out of his ears. You’re not really considering working for him, are you?

Penny: Well, maybe, I mean, it seems kind of perfect. I have sales experience, and I’ve been a waitress, so I have restaurant experience, and if he’s figuring out my Christmas bonus, we could buy a boat.

Leonard: Don’t you think it might be a little weird to work for someone you used to date?

Penny: You work with Sheldon, you tell me.

Leonard: Yeah, it’s weird.

Penny: Okay, are you seriously jealous of me working with Zack?

Leonard: No, no, I’m not jealous, I just think you have got a good thing going where you are right now, and you make great money and you haven’t slept with any of your co-workers.

Penny: Great, so you want me to stay at a job I’m not happy at?

Leonard: Uh.

Penny: You okay? You kind of look like Zack trying to figure out that tip.

Leonard: Of course I don’t want you to be unhappy, but I also want you to be smart, and working for an ex-boyfriend isn’t very smart. You don’t have to stop, just slow down, I’ll jump out.

Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.

Sheldon: Amy, look, I’m on a unicycle!

Amy: How did you get from croissants to a unicycle?

Sheldon: I hurt myself juggling.

Amy: Where did you get it?

Sheldon: Howard said I could borrow it, Bernadette said forever.

Amy: Have you tried letting go of the rope?

Sheldon: What, are you crazy? I’m on a unicycle.

Amy: All right, well, have fun.

Sheldon: Wait, I need help getting down.

Amy: Well, what do you want me to do?

Sheldon: Drag out our mattress and put it over here, then go across the hall, get their mattress and put it over here. But before you do any of that, scratch my nose.

Scene: The apartment.

Howard: So you told her she was being dumb?

Leonard: No, I told her she was being not smart. Which was dumb.

Raj: Why did you even go to dinner with the guy?

Leonard: We covered this, I’m dumb.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.

Penny: So he’s my ex-boyfriend, who cares? I can’t believe Leonard would be so insecure.

Bernadette: Really? I have no trouble believing that at all.

Penny: And Zack’s engaged. Leonard has no reason to feel threatened.

Bernadette: We’re talking about the same Leonard, right?

Scene: The apartment.

Leonard: So you think it’s fine if she works for Zack?

Howard: I don’t know, maybe.

Raj: Well, he is much more attractive than Leonard.

Howard: Yes, but that’s gonna be true of a lot of guys she works for.

Leonard: Yeah, but she also used to sleep with Zack.

Howard: Again.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.

Bernadette: I would never let Howard work with an ex.

Penny: What, you wouldn’t trust him?

Bernadette: I wouldn’t trust her. He’s thin and sexy like a Jewish greyhound.

Penny: Yeah, that, that is the sexiest dog.

Bernadette: And I’d like to think Howie wouldn’t take a job I was uncomfortable with.

Penny: ‘Cause he’s scared of you?

Bernadette: Terrified.

Penny: Yeah.

Scene: The apartment.

Howard: You know what? I’m with Leonard, this isn’t cool.

Leonard: Thank you.

Raj: I disagree. Penny is a strong, independent woman. The more you try to control her, the more she’ll push back.

Leonard: So you think it’s okay?

Raj: Oh, no, she’s gonna leave you for someone, might as well get it over with.

Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.

Amy: What are you doing?

Sheldon: I’m returning this stuff to Howard.

Amy: Oh. Well, Bernadette made me promise if you didn’t want it, we’d give it to a homeless clown. What happened to learning the unicycle?

Sheldon: Oh, I stopped that, it was dumb. Uni, bi, tri, menstrual, all cycles are dumb.

Amy: You said juggling was dumb, too.

Sheldon: Well, it is. If I wanted to hold three things at once, I’d wear cargo pants.

Amy: Sheldon, is it possible that when things get really difficult, you just give up?

Sheldon: Are you calling me a quitter?

Amy: Well, if you honestly…

Sheldon: This conversation is over.

Amy: His mother warned me. Everybody warned me. Actually, he warned me.

Scene: The apartment.

Penny: Hey.

Leonard: Hi.

Penny: You want to talk?

Leonard: That doesn’t seem to be where I shine. How about I just give you one of these?

Penny: Look, we can have a reasonable conversation and I won’t get mad. I don’t like it after sex, and I don’t like it now.

Leonard: Yeah, sorry.

Penny: Yeah. All right, just come here. Look, I get me working with Zack is weird and I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.

Leonard: Well, thanks. And I don’t want you to be stuck at a job you don’t like.

Penny: Then what do we do?

Leonard: Well, I don’t love it, but if you really want to take this job, I’ll find a way to deal with it.

Penny: No, I know you’ll try, but it’ll make you miserable, which will make me miserable, and I’m just gonna stay where I’m at for now.

Leonard: No, no, no, no, you’re, you’re unhappy there and then you’re gonna blame me for making you stay, and it’s fine, I’ll just, I’ll suck it up.

Penny: You don’t need to do that, it’s okay.

Leonard: Yeah, see, now I feel terrible, like I’m being selfish and holding you back. What? Say something. Yeah, that is pretty annoying.

Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s bedroom.

Amy: I made you tea.

Sheldon: Thank you.

Amy: I’m sorry I called you a quitter.

Sheldon: It’s okay, I stopped being upset about that. And no, the irony is not lost on me.

Amy: What are you reading?

Sheldon: This article says the peak age for making a Nobel Prize-winning discovery is 40.

Amy: So?

Sheldon: So I’m running out of time.

Amy: That’s ridiculous, you’re a brilliant man. The best years of your life are still ahead of you.

Sheldon: Oh, you have to say that, you’re sweet on me.

Amy: Well, if you’re really worried about your career, maybe you should consider spending a little less time with video games and comic books.

Sheldon: Hey, I thought you were sweet on me.

Amy: Okay, fine, let’s say you never win a Nobel Prize. Let’s say you spend your life doing solid scientific research surrounded by friends and loved ones who appreciate you, not for what you’ve accomplished but for who you are as a man. Wouldn’t that be a life well-lived?

Sheldon: You’re so cute. I’m gonna go learn how to walk on stilts.

Amy: So many warnings.

Scene: The apartment.

Penny: Okay, are you sure about this?

Leonard: Absolutely. I just want you to be happy. And maybe a little turned on about how selfless I’m being.

Zack (on phone): Penny, what’s up?

Penny: Hey, uh, so I’ve been thinking about it and I want to take the job.

Zack: Oh, bad news. When my fiancée found out that I was offering a job to my ex-girlfriend, she said it was a stupid idea and threw a shoe at me.

Penny: Oh, so there’s no job?

Zack: Nope, just a little bump on my forehead.

Penny: Okay, thanks anyway. Bye. Well, his fiancée thought the idea of us working together was stupid. You were right, I was wrong. Aren’t you gonna say anything?

Leonard: Not if I want to be doing this later.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.

Bernadette: Hey, I didn’t know you were home. Where you been?

Howard: I went to see your mom.

Bernadette: Seriously, where were you?

Howard: I just told you, your mom’s.

Bernadette: Why?

Howard: Well, since you find my magic tricks so embarrassing, I got to wondering what cool hobbies you had as a kid.

Bernadette: Oh. What’d she say?

Howard: She didn’t say much of anything. But she said a lot. (Through ventriloquist’s doll) Hi, Bernadette, remember me?

Bernadette: First of all, that’s not what she sounds like, she’s from South Carolina.

Howard: I can’t believe you made fun of me all these years while you were a closeted ventriloquist.

Bernadette: Okay, it’s not like I wanted to be a ventriloquist. I was in beauty pageants and I needed a talent besides spreading rumours that the other contestants were pregnant.

Howard: Well, since you enjoyed getting rid of all my stuff, you know, maybe we should throw this little lady in the wood chipper.

Bernadette: No. And the little lady has a name.

Howard: Which is?

Bernadette: Tammy Jo St. Cloud.

Howard: Tammy Jo St. Cloud. Oh, and I’m a dork for juggling.

Bernadette: Sorry, you’re not a dork. (Through doll) You’re a clown. (Bernadette) Tammy Jo, don’t say that, you’ll make him feel bad. (Doll) Look at him, what reason he got to feel good?

Howard: All right, very funny.

Bernadette: Don’t listen to her, she’s been in a box for, like, 25 years. (Doll) Yeah, back when his haircut was fashionable.

Howard: That’s enough, put her away.

Bernadette (as Doll): Oh, big daddy, I don’t think so. You marry Miss Bernie, you marry me. We all family now.

Howard: All right, you’re freaking me out.

Bernadette (as Doll): Don’t be that way. If you don’t mind a few splinters, we can have us a ménage à trois. Ooh.

Scene: A street.

Sheldon: I’m doing it. I’m doing it. I’m tall and I’m doing it. (Waking up in bed) Ah, man.

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