Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance

Following a “previously on” sequence.

Scene: Sheldon and Amy on skype.

Sheldon: How are you settling in?

Amy: Pretty well. Princeton has a beautiful campus.

Sheldon: Now, I’ve learned some fun facts about New Jersey to help you make small talk. Would you like to know the state bird or the murder rate? They’re both shocking.

Amy: Actually, I want to hear about you. How are things at home?

Sheldon: Well, I’m a lot less likely to see an Eastern Goldfinch or be murdered, I’ll tell you that.

Amy: I miss you.

Sheldon: I miss you, too.

Amy: It’s so strange, earlier today I ended a sentence with a preposition and you weren’t there to correct my grammar.

Sheldon: I’m sorry you had to go through that.

Amy: In fact, that’s when I started to really miss you.

Sheldon: You know you just split an infinitive.

Amy: Did I? Are you gonna teach me a lesson?

Sheldon: I am. It is naughty to put an adverb between the word to and the verb stem.

Amy: What are you gonna do about it?

Sheldon: I’m going to admonish you.

Amy: Vigorously?

Sheldon: That’s the only kind of admonishing I do.

Credits sequence.

Scene: The cafeteria.

Howard: How’s Sheldon doing with Amy gone?

Leonard: Well, the last three nights I’ve had to take him to get a haircut, to the train store, and to a Walgreens in Arcadia where they still have the good ibuprofen. Now ask me how I’m doing with Amy gone.

Raj: How are you doing with…

Leonard: Shut up.

Howard: If you’d like, we can help you out.

Leonard: Oh, that would be great.

Howard: I mean, not me, I’ve got a wife and child, but this one posts video of himself flossing on Instagram.

Raj: It was a tutorial. And yes, I’m happy to keep Sheldon company.

Leonard: Great. Tonight he wants to look at ladders at Home Depot.

Raj: Oh, why does he need a ladder?

Leonard: He doesn’t; he just likes looking at them. Bring a book.

Sheldon: Gentlemen. You may remember Dr. Nowitzki, She’s back at Caltech for her postdoc.

Ramona Nowitzki: Hello.

Leonard: Hello.

Raj: Hi. Oh, let me bring a chair for you.

Sheldon: Oh, thanks. Dr. Nowitzki’s going to tell me about the work she did at CERN. And she brought me this duty-free Toblerone.

Leonard: Oh. I love those.

Sheldon: Let’s sit somewhere else.

Raj: What just happened?

Howard: A stranger just lured Sheldon away with a candy bar.

Leonard: Wait, isn’t she the grad student that used to follow him around?

Howard: Oh, yeah. Back before he hit puberty and grew man parts.

Raj: So what do you guys think that’s about?

Leonard: Knowing Sheldon, nothing.

Sheldon: So, tell me about your scalar dark energy experiment.

Ramona: Not ’til you tell me about your latest paper on quantum loop theory.

Sheldon: Oh. You must be one of those dessert before dinner people.

Leonard: He just made her laugh, something’s wrong.

Raj: Do you see the way she’s looking at him?

Howard: Yeah. Like Bernadette used to look at me.

Raj: I keep telling you, close the bathroom door.

Leonard: Ah, did you see that? She just touched his hand and he didn’t swat it away. What is happening?

Howard: Okay, the simplest explanation is usually the right one.

Raj: Which is?

Howard: That ain’t Sheldon.

Scene: The apartment.

Penny: Not only did they eat together, Leonard said he made her laugh.

Bernadette: That’s nothing, Howie said she touched his hand.

Penny: Did he Purell?

Bernadette: No.

Penny: I cannot believe Leonard mentioned the Toblerone but left that part out.

Bernadette: Should we call Amy?

Penny: I don’t know; we shouldn’t worry her if it’s nothing.

Bernadette: I guess we could wait till we have more information about this girl.

Penny: Yeah. Do you think living with Amy has somehow stirred up Sheldon’s sexual appetite?

Bernadette: Ugh. How can you think that? Why would you even put those words together?

Penny: All right, then we agree. He’s not making any moves, it’s this Dr. Ramona chick.

Bernadette: Nowitzki. I googled her, she’s pretty cute.

Penny: Really? All I got from Leonard was the Toblerone bar had nuts.

Scene: Sheldon and Amy on skype.

Sheldon: And get this, I saw an articulating ladder with dual-leg leveling, which delivers stability and adaptability to uneven terrain.

Amy: Sounds like a big night.

Sheldon: Yeah. Raj made the funniest joke, he said, which is the best ladder to use to hang myself?

Amy: So you’re keeping busy? You’re not lonely?

Sheldon: Oh, not at all. I’ve had outings with Leonard and Raj in the evening, and, oh, I had lunch

with Dr. Nowitzki.

Amy: Who’s he?

Sheldon: Oh, Dr. Nowitzki is a woman.

Amy: Oh. Really? Uh, when did you meet her?

Sheldon: Many years ago. Back when she was a grad student. She’s always been a huge fan of my work, and now she’s doing research at Caltech.

Amy: Huge fan, you say?

Sheldon: Yes. I think you’d like her. She’s extremely intelligent, just like you. Unlike you, she’s tall, blonde and used to be an Olympic swimmer.

Amy: That’s terrific. I’ll call you right back.

Scene: The apartment.

Penny (answering skype): Oh, hey, Amy.

Amy: I gave you one job. Keep an eye on him. How hard is that?

Penny: We thought you meant not letting him run out into traffic.

Bernadette: Which he only did once.

Amy: Why didn’t you tell me?

Bernadette: We didn’t want you to worry.

Amy: Should I worry?

Penny: No. Come on, it’s Sheldon. Nothing is gonna happen.

Amy: That’s what you said to me when I started dating him. And then five years later, bingo bango, something happened.

Bernadette: Yeah, but you’re gonna be back in three months.

Amy: You don’t get it. I’ve been smacking that ketchup bottle for a long time. All she’s got to do is tip it over and point it at her fries.

Penny: Well, what do you want us to do?

Amy: I don’t know. Might be the New Jersey talking, but this Nowitzki broad needs to disappear.

Bernadette: That’s ridiculous. As far as we know, all that happened is two scientists had lunch.

Amy: Yeah, but one of those scientists is a tall, blonde Olympic swimmer.

Penny: Come on. Looks don’t matter to Sheldon. Because he only has eyes for you.

Amy: Nice try.

Penny: Thanks. I was scrambling.

Scene: The comic book store.

Howard: It’s unbelievable. Sheldon has lunch with another woman and somehow my wife yells at me.

Leonard: Penny laid into me, too. Apparently, I’m overly fixated on premium Swiss chocolate bars.

Raj: Can you even eat those things?

Leonard: If I take a Lactaid a half-hour before and some Pepto right after.

Raj: Sounds like a lot of work.

Leonard: Eh, I’m worth it.

Howard: Guys. Focus. Should we do something about Nowitzki?

Leonard: Like what?

Raj: Uh, well, she’s single, so if somebody else asks her out and she says yes, then we know she’s not into Sheldon.

Stuart: I’ll do it.

Leonard: No offence, Stuart, but the woman’s a doctor.

Stuart: So? Doctors like me. Whenever I see mine he calls in a bunch of other doctors to have a look.

Howard: She’s not that kind of doctor.

Stuart: Oh. Well, her loss. I’ve been called a genuine medical oddity.

Raj: Actually, I was going to suggest me.

Howard: Great. Anybody’s better than, mmm.

Stuart: Excuse me. They took out my spleen and gallbladder, not my feelings.

Scene: The cafeteria.

Raj: Dr. Nowitzki. Good to see you.

Ramona: Good to see you, too.

Raj: May I join you?

Ramona: No.

Raj: Good to see you.

Howard: We should call Guinness, that might be a record.

Raj: She’s clearly having a working lunch and preferred to eat alone.

Ramona: Dr. Cooper, over here.

Raj: I could have made her very happy.

Leonard: You kept walking. I think you did.

Scene: The apartment.

Penny: Do you really think there’s reason to worry?

Leonard: Yeah, she’s definitely going after Sheldon.

Raj: I made a play for her and she shot me down.

Penny: All right, well, that doesn’t prove anything.

Bernadette: Yeah, there’s a million reasons a woman would shoot Raj down.

Raj: Like, really, a million?

Bernadette: Fine, hundreds.

Raj: Thank you.

Penny: The point is this could be nothing and we are all overreacting.

Sheldon: Hey, everybody. This is my friend, Dr. Nowitzki.

Ramona: Hi.

All; Hi.

Sheldon: We just went swimming.

Scene: The same, later.

Leonard: And you actually got in a pool?

Sheldon: I was scared, but I told myself it’s just a big bathtub. Then I got scared again ’cause there are all these strangers in my bathtub.

Ramona: I was proud of him, a lot of people don’t put their face in the water on the first day.

Sheldon: Well, I was hiding from a bee, but it still counts.

Bernadette: Can I just squeeze in here?

Penny: So, Sheldon, have you talked to Amy?

Sheldon: Yes, we skyped this morning and I’m sure I’ll check in with her before I go to sleep.

Ramona: Sheldon talks about her all the time. I can’t wait to meet her.

Sheldon: That is true. She keeps asking how long Amy’s going to be gone.

Leonard: Uh, so, Ramona, tell us about yourself. Do you, do you have a boyfriend?

Sheldon: Leonard, your wife is sitting right here. What are you doing?

Ramona: No, my work doesn’t leave me a lot of time for relationships.

Raj: I think you made that very clear.

Sheldon: She was part of the American team at CERN.

Ramona: I had a front row seat when they detected the Higgs boson.

Sheldon: Do you know, I’ve corresponded with Peter Higgs. Would you like to see some of his letters?

Ramona: Absolutely.

Sheldon: I’ll get them.

Ramona: Well, hang on, I’ll come with you.

Sheldon: Oh, fun. Like a play date.

Penny: Okay, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that exactly what we were supposed to stop from happening?

Bernadette: I threw my body at them, what else did you want me to do?

Leonard: You think you should call Amy?

Penny: You got fingers and a mouth, you call her.

Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.

Sheldon: Here you go.

Ramona: Are these all from Peter Higgs?

Sheldon: Hmm? Oh, no, no, no. They’re from many famous people. See? Oh, like this one. This is from Patrick Stewart. It says if I come to his house again, I get to meet his dogs. Oh, excuse me.

Amy: Hello, Sheldon.

Sheldon: Oh, hello, Amy.

Amy: I was missing you again.

Sheldon: I miss you, too. Hey, this is good timing. Remember that Dr. Nowitzki I told you about? She’s right here.

Amy: She’s what?

Ramona: Hello.

Amy: Hi.

Ramona: So nice to meet you.

Amy: Uh-huh. Hang on. (answering phone) Hello. A little late, Leonard. Sorry.

Sheldon: What is Leonard doing calling you at this hour?

Amy: It’s not important.

Sheldon: I must tell you, that seems a little inappropriate. Don’t you agree?

Ramona: I do.

Sheldon: See? We both think so.

Scene: The apartment.

Penny: All right, this is making me crazy. Somebody’s got to go over there.

Leonard: You got feet and legs, you do it.

Penny: Will you go with me?

Bernadette: To do what? Shake a can of nickels at them?

Raj: We’re being ridiculous. There’s no way a woman that attractive is trying to seduce Sheldon Cooper.

Howard: You done trying to make yourself feel better?

Raj: No. I haven’t played the race card yet.

Sheldon: Hey, I hate to break up the party, but Amy says I’m tired and have to go to bed.

Ramona: It was nice seeing everybody. Thank you for dinner.

Penny: Sure.

Leonard: Our pleasure.

Raj: Whatever.

Ramona: Walk me to my car?

Sheldon: Of course.

Penny: We’ll all go.

Bernadette: Excuse me.

Penny: Pardon. I just need to., yeah.

Sheldon: That was fun. It was like Mario Kart.

Scene: The street.

Sheldon: Bye.

Penny: We need to talk.

Sheldon: What? Is this about Leonard and Amy? I don’t like it either.

Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.

Penny: Okay, I know you don’t have a lot of experience with women, but Ramona seems to have a romantic interest in you.

Sheldon: That doesn’t make any sense. She knows I have a girlfriend.

Penny: Well, sometimes women don’t care. Sometimes it makes them want a guy even more.

Sheldon: That may be true, but Dr. Nowitzki’s just a friend. In fact, I wouldn’t have even noticed she’s a woman if she hadn’t worn that bathing suit that highlighted her bosom.

Penny: Okay. Um, let’s try this. Think of yourself as one of those limited edition toys people like to collect.

Sheldon: I already do.

Penny: Well, then you get it.

Sheldon: Because there’s only one of me, I’m more valuable.

Penny: Right.

Sheldon: Although, Amy’s already taken me out of my package and played with me.

Penny: Let’s forget the toy thing, okay? Um, maybe…

Sheldon: Penny, look. I appreciate your concern, but I don’t think that’s what’s happening.

Penny: All right. What do you think is happening?

Sheldon: I think Dr. Nowitzki is a friendly colleague. I think you and Leonard need to see a marriage counsellor. And I need to update my résumé to include swimming as a special skill.

Penny: Don’t look at me like that, I tried.

Scene: Sheldon’s office.

Ramona: Hey, did you eat yet?

Sheldon: Uh, breakfast yes, lunch no. I did have a cough drop, but that really rides the line between sucking and eating.

Ramona: Well, perfect. I made us sandwiches.

Sheldon: How thoughtful. Thank you.

Ramona: Mmm. No big deal, I enjoy spending time with you.

Sheldon: And I with you. Question, are you seeking a romantic relationship with me?

Ramona: What if I were?

Sheldon: Well, that would raise a number of problems. We’re colleagues. I’m currently in a relation… Excuse me a moment.

Scene: Princeton.

Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. Will you marry me?

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