Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: This movie baffles me every time we watch it.
Leonard: What do you mean?
Sheldon: Well, the instructions are very clear, don’t feed the gremlins after midnight, don’t get the gremlins wet. How hard is that?
Penny (arriving): Hi, guys. Hi, honey.
Howard: Ooh, we’re honey now, are we?
Sheldon: Yes. Since their relationship became carnal, Penny has upgraded his designated term of endearment, thus distinguishing him from those she calls sweetie, usually in an attempt to soften a thinly-veiled insult.
Penny: You’re boring people sweetie.
Sheldon: Although, sometimes, she omits the veil entirely.
Penny: So, what are you guys doing?
Howard: Celebrating Columbus Day.
Leonard: We’re watching Goonies, Gremlins and Young Sherlock Holmes. They were all written by Chris Columbus.
Penny: Okay. What do you watch on Thanksgiving?
Sheldon: The parade.
Penny: Oh, you know, that reminds me, I usually go back to Nebraska for thanksgiving, but this year they’re calling it off on account of my brother’s trial.
Leonard: What’s he on trial for?
Penny: Oh, just a big misunderstanding. You know, you’d actually like my brother, he’s kind of a chemist. Anyway, I was thinking I’d have thanksgiving here, and you are all invited.
Leonard: Oh. I’ll be there.
Sheldon: Will you be serving cranberry jelly or cranberry sauce?
Penny: I guess I could serve both.
Sheldon: You guess? You don’t seem to have much of a handle on this.
Howard: Yeah, I really wish I could, Penny, but every year my mother has all the relatives over and cooks up her famous tur-briska-fil.
Howard: Turkey stuffed with a brisket stuffed with gefilte fish. It’s not as good as it sounds.
Penny: Raj, what about you?
Howard: Oh, he usually comes to my house. Right, pal? (Raj bursts into tears and runs away) All right, this year, you don’t have to eat the tur-briska-fil. I don’t even chew it. I swallow it like pills.
Scene: A few moments later.
Leonard: So, what’s going on with Raj?
Howard: Well, the good news is, he has no problem with my mother’s tur-brka-fil.
Penny: Hard to believe, but go on.
Howard: The bad news is, he says he’s getting deported.
Leonard: What do you mean, he’s getting deported?
Sheldon: I believe it means that the U.S. Government is going to expel him from the country. He could then either return to his native India, emigrate to another country that’s willing to accept him, or wander the high seas as a stateless pirate. Personally, I’d choose pirate.
Howard: Penny, would you mind stepping outside so we can speak to him?
Penny: Ugh, fine. But the man really needs to work on his girl issues.
Sheldon: Another reason to consider a life of piracy. Even today, I understand that’s an all-male profession.
Howard: Okay, she’s gone.
Raj: Sorry. I lost my cool.
Leonard: So, what’s going on?
Raj: Okay, here’s the deal, six months ago, my research testing the predicted composition of trans-Neptunian objects ran into a dead end.
Raj: So, my visa’s only good as long as I’m employed at the university, and when they find out I’ve got squat, they’re going to cut me off. By the way, when I say squat, I mean diddly-squat. I wish I had squat.
Leonard: So, wait, what have you been doing for the past six months?
Raj: You know, checking e-mail, updating my facebook status, messing up wikipedia entries. Hey, did you know Netflix lets you stream movies on your computer now?
Sheldon: And you’ve continued to take the university’s money under false pretences? Highly unethical for an astrophysicist. Although practically mandatory for a pirate.
Raj: I don’t want to go back to India. It’s hot and loud, and there’s so many people. You have no idea, they’re everywhere.
Howard: Okay, guys, think, how do we keep Raj in the country?
Penny (from outside): Why doesn’t he just get another job?
Howard (after Raj whispers to him): What are you asking me for? I don’t know if you can talk now or not.
Scene: The university cafeteria.
Raj: Oh, beef, I’m going to miss you so much. Do you know, at the Mumbai McDonald’s, you can’t get a Big Mac? All you can get is a Chicken Maharaja Mac. And the special sauce, curry, which, in India,
believe you me, is really not that special.
Leonard: Don’t worry, you’ll find another job.
Raj: Yeah let me start practicing for it. Do you want fries with that Maharaja Mac?”
Sheldon: Hi, Leonard. Hello, Raj.
Raj: Hello Sheldon.
Sheldon: Forgive me, as you know, I’m no adept at reading facial cues, but I’m going to take a stab here, you’re either sad or nauseated.
Raj: I’m sad.
Sheldon: I was going to say sad. I don’t know why I hedged.
Raj: What are you eating?
Sheldon: Elbow macaroni with ground hamburger and tomato sauce.
Raj: Oh, beefaroni. I think I’ll miss you most of all.
Leonard: I’ve always been a little confused about this. Why don’t Hindus eat beef?
Raj: We believe cows are gods.
Sheldon: Not technically. In Hinduism, cattle are thought to be like God.
Raj: Do not tell me about my own culture, Sheldon! In the mood I’m in, I’ll take you out, I swear to cow!
Sheldon: I’m sorry.
Raj: Me, too. I’m just, I’m a little on edge.
Sheldon: Understandable. Your entire life seems to be crumbling around you, and your future appears bleak at best.
Raj: Thank you.
Sheldon: And you’re wrong about Hinduism and cows.
Howard (arriving): Hey, Raj, guess what. Professor Laughlin is looking for someone to join the stellar evolution research team.
Raj: You, you’re kidding. That’s fantastic!
Howard: Come on, what are you waiting for? Call him and set up an interview.
Raj: I’m on it.
Sheldon: That’s happy, right?
Sheldon: Nailed it.
Scene: Professor Laughlin’s office.
Prof Laughlin: Dr. Koothrappali, come on in. I was surprised to hear you were interested In joining our little team. Giving up on those trans-Neptunian objects, are we?
Raj: No, no, it’s a very promising area. In a perfect world I’d spend several more years on it. But I just couldn’t pass up the opportunity to work with you on your tremendously exciting and not yet conclusively disproved hypothesis.
Prof Laughlin: Splendid. Uh, please sit down. Can I offer you a sherry?
Raj: It’s a little early, isn’t it?
Prof Laughlin: Not on Proxima Centauri.
Raj: That’s very good. Jolly amusing, but if you don’t mind, I’ll hold off until sunset on titan.
Prof Laughlin: Oh, well done. I have a feeling you’re going to fit in just fine, Dr. Koothrappali.
Raj: Thank you, sir. (There is a knock on the door. A young woman enters)
Woman: I’m sorry. Am I late?
Prof Laughlin: No, no, no. Right on time. Dr. Koothrappali, may I present Dr. Millstone from MIT. She’ll be heading up our data analysis team.
Dr Millstone: It’s nice to meet you, Dr. Koothrappali. I read your paper on Kuiper belt object size distribution. I really enjoyed it. How did you correct for the selection bias? (During this, Raj surreptitiously wanders over to where Prof Laughlin’s drinks are, pours himself a large sherry and knocks it back in one.)
Raj: Well, I ran a simulation that allowed me to correct for the observational efficiency.
Dr Millstone: That’s just fascinating.
Raj: Thank you. Would you like to hear more about it in my hot tub? So, when do I start?
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: What do you mean you didn’t get the job? How could you not get it?
Raj: You know, he’s British, I’m Indian, ever since Gandhi they haven’t liked us very much.
Leonard: Wait, are you saying that he discriminated against you? Because we should file a complaint.
Raj: That’s okay. A complaint has been filed. So, that’s it. That was my last hope. I’m going to be deported, sent home in disgrace, exposed to the sardonic barbs of my cousin Sanjay. Or, as you may know him, Dave from AT&T customer service.
Howard: I’m really going to miss you.
Raj: Will you come visit me in India?
Howard: Gee, that’s, like, a 17-hour flight. How about I meet you halfway?
Raj: Halfway is 600 miles off the coast of Japan.
Howard: Tell you what, we’ll skype.
Sheldon (arriving): Gentlemen.
Sheldon: Raj, did you get the job with Professor Laughlin?
Sheldon: I assumed as much. But never fear. Like the subordinate male protagonist in countless action movies who disappears half way through the second reel, I have returned to save the day. Odd, usually, he’s met by cheers. Anyway, I was thinking about exploring the string theory implications of gamma rays from dark matter annihilations, and it occurred to me that I could benefit…
Leonard: Excuse me, Sheldon, how many reels before the subordinate male protagonist gets to his point?
Sheldon: I’m sorry, if you didn’t cheer at my entrance, it’s too late to buy into the premise. Anyway, I got some extra money from the head of the department, and raj can come work for me.
Raj: You want me to work with you?
Sheldon: For me. You’re going to have to listen more carefully when you’re on the job.
Raj: Okay, uh, please don’t take this the wrong way, but I’d rather swim buck-naked across the Ganges with a paper cut on my nipple and die a slow, agonizing death from a viral infection than work with you.
Sheldon: For me.
Scene: Sheldon’s office.
Raj (knocking and entering): Sheldon, are you busy?
Sheldon: Of course I’m busy.
Raj: Shall I wait?
Sheldon: Yes, please. (After about 30 seconds) How may I help you?
Raj: I’ve reconsidered your offer to let me work with you.
Sheldon: For me.
Raj: Yes, for you. I do, however, have a few conditions. First, at all times, I am to be treated as a colleague and an equal. Second, my contributions shall be noted in all published material. And third, you are never allowed to lecture me on Hinduism or my Indian culture.
Sheldon: I’m impressed, Raj. Those are very cogent and reasonable conditions.
Raj: Thank you.
Sheldon: I reject them all.
Raj: Then you leave me no choice. I accept the job.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, I believe you’ve misunderstood. I’m not giving you the job. I’m simply affording you the opportunity to apply for it. Have a seat, we’ll get started with the interview.
Raj: Wha… You’re kidding!
Raj: All right.
Sheldon: So, that’s what you wear to an interview?
Raj: Come on, dude, we’ve been friends for years.
Sheldon: Oh, pulling strings, are we?
Raj: Sheldon, for God’s sakes, don’t make me beg.
Sheldon: Bazinga! You’ve fallen victim to another one of my classic practical jokes. I’m your boss now. You may want to laugh at that.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Ah, it’s nice having the place to ourselves, isn’t it?
Leonard: Uh-huh. Now that Raj is working for Sheldon, I don’t have to chauffeur him around anymore. Plus, yeah, with them working late so much, we get some privacy.
Penny: Mm-hmm. Hey, want to get a little crazy?
Leonard: What are you thinking?
Penny: Let’s slide over to Sheldon’s spot a make out.
Leonard: You are a dirty girl.
Penny (as the making out is interrupted by a knock on the door): Oh, God, how did he know?
Leonard: Hi, Howard.
Howard: Am I interrupting?
Leonard: Little bit, yeah.
Howard: Guess I should have called.
Penny: Yeah, maybe.
Howard: Tonight’s the night I usually go line dancing with Raj at the palomino.
Howard: But he’s working with Sheldon.
Penny: Yes, we know.
Howard: Want me to leave?
Leonard: You know, whatever.
Howard: Okay, I guess I can hang for a little while. So what are we watching? Sex and the city.
Penny: Hey, I happen to love this movie.
Howard: Fine, let’s watch it. Maybe all our periods will synchronize.
Scene: Sheldon’s office.
Sheldon: All right, we’re going to be designing an experiment to look for the annihilation spectrum resulting from dark matter collisions in space.
Raj: Ooh, dark matter. We better bring a flashlight. I was making a joke.
Sheldon: I’m the boss. I make the jokes.
Raj: Sorry, go ahead and make your joke.
Sheldon: This is not the time for joking. We’re doing serious research, which requires complete and utter focus.
Raj: All right, let’s buckle down and work.
(To the tune of Eye of the Tiger by Survivor, there is a montage of images, in all of which Sheldon and Raj are staring at the same equation on a whiteboard.)
Raj: I need an aspirin.
Sheldon: Top desk drawer.
Raj: Thank you.
(Montage of scenes resumes)
Scene: Penny and Leonard exiting Leonard’s bedroom.
Leonard: That was fun. Thank you.
Penny: Leonard, honey, you don’t have to say thank you every time we have sex.
Leonard: Oh. Okay. Tomorrow you’re going to get a card in the mail. Just throw it away.
Howard: Top o’ the mornin’o ya!
Leonard: What are you doing here?
Howard: Well, usually, on Sundays, I go with Raj to scam on hippie chicks at the farmers market, but he’s still working with Sheldon, so I thought I’d come over here and make you guys scrambled eggs and salami. It’s the perfect meal for apres l’amour.
Penny: Oh, kill me.
Howard: By the way, I couldn’t help overhearing your big finish. Bravo, Leonard.
Penny: See, if you had killed me when I said kill me, I wouldn’t have had to hear that.
Howard: What do you guys think? Want to take in a matinee, maybe go rollerblading, catch a step class?
Penny: Do something.
Leonard: Yeah, okay. Um, Howard, we need to talk.
Howard: Sure. ‘sup, homes?
Leonard: Uh, please understand that it’s not that we don’t want you around, but Penny and I occasionally need some alone time.
Howard: Oh. I get it, I’m the third wheel. Sorry, I should have seen that. I’ll get out of your way. Uh, you’re gonna want to eat those eggs while they’re still hot.
Leonard: Thank you. There’s lox and cream cheese in the fridge, the bagels are in the oven, I was warming them up.
Penny: That’s great.
Howard: Ill just hang out with my mom. That’s always fun.
Penny: Are we terrible people?
Leonard: I don’t know. What do you want me to do?
Penny: Get him, bring him back.
Leonard: Are you sure?
Leonard: Okay. Howard come back.
Howard: Oh, you guys had me scared for a minute.
Scene: Sheldon’s office. Sheldon is writing on the whiteboard.
Raj: No, no, no, no! That rate is much too low for what we’d expect from this collision. Do you understand that we’re talking about dark matter colliding in outer space?
Sheldon: Of course I understand. And who are you to tell me about outer space?
Raj: I’m the astrophysicist. Astro means space.
Sheldon: Astro means star.
Raj: Okay, well, let me just tell you, if we were having this argument in my native language, I’d be kicking your butt.
Sheldon: English is your native language.
Raj: Okay, you got me there, but you’re wrong about this!
Sheldon: There is a fine line between wrong and visionary. Unfortunately you have to be a visionary to see it.
Raj: My god, you think that every thought that comes out of your head is pure gold. Well, let me tell you something. Some of those thoughts are pure caca.
Raj: It means doo-doo.
Sheldon: All right! First of all, Dr. Koothrappali, when I first proposed that you work with me…
Raj: Aha! So I am working with you.
Sheldon: In this context, with me means for me.
Raj: Ah, well, in this context… (blows raspberry)
Sheldon: Oh! If I’m wrong, prove it.
Raj: Okay. Here’s where we derive the mass of the dark matter particle.
Sheldon: No, no, no, you’ve misstated the atomic weight of the target.
Raj: Let me finish.
Sheldon: You’re defacing my work.
Raj: I’m not defacing it, I’m fixing it.
Sheldon: Give me the eraser.
Sheldon: I said give it to me.
Raj: Come and get it.
Sheldon: Fine. (Uses hand as an eraser. Then realises his hand is dirty) Oh, lord. Dr. Koothrappali, as your superior, I forbid you from writing on my board!
Raj: You are not my superior.
Sheldon: I am in every way.
Raj: Oh, yeah? Can you do this? (Performs complex finger trick*) Nice working with you. I’m sorry, for you. (Exits. Sheldon stares a moment, then tries to perform the trick. Fails.)
Scene: Outside Raj’s flat.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Raj. (Knock, knock, knock) Raj. (Knock, knock, knock) Raj.
Raj: I’m busy.
Sheldon: Doing what? (Performs finger trick again) All right, you’ve made your point.
Raj: What do you want, Sheldon?
Sheldon: I looked over the board and it turns out you were right.
Raj: So you were wrong.
Sheldon: I didn’t say that.
Raj: That’s the only logical inference.
Sheldon: Nevertheless, I didn’t say it. Anyway, I would like you to come back and work for me.
Raj: For you or with you?
Sheldon: In this context for me could mean with me.
Raj: All right, but I have some conditions.
Sheldon: I reject them all.
Raj: I’ll take the job. See you Monday.
Sheldon: Wait, you have to drive me home.
Raj: How did you get here?
Sheldon: I walked.
Raj: So walk home.
Sheldon: I can’t. There’s a big dog outside. On the way home, we can start thinking about methods of optimizing the detector for 500 GEV particles.
Raj: All right. (As they walk down the corridor, Eye of the Tiger starts playing again.)
(* to perform trick, place both hands together as if praying, then fold two middle fingers over so that they pass to the right of one another, finally rotate right hand anti-clockwise and waggle both middle fingers)