Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition
Scene: The comic book store. Raj enters carrying an iPod with a speaker on his tee shirt. As he enters the shop he starts the iPod and the Darth Vader theme from Star Wars emerges from the speaker.
Leonard: Will you please turn your shirt off?
Raj: What? I’m giving myself dramatic entrance music. People will know I’m awesome and to be feared.
Howard: Yeah, right, there’s nothing more awesome and frightening than a man who’s got music blasting from between his nipples.
Leonard: Hey, Stuart, what’s going on?
Stuart: Well, you might want to mark your Google calendars. Stan Lee is coming to do a signing on Thursday.
Sheldon: Did he finally write a sequel to his autobiography? I’m sure ages 79 through 87 were just action-packed.
Stuart: No, just a regular comic signing. My uncle is his dermatologist and Stan’s doing him a favour.
Sheldon: Oh, I don’t want to know that! How can I possibly discuss with Stan Lee the scientific foundations for interstellar flight on a silver surfboard when part of my brain will be scanning his face for signs of contagious skin disease?
Leonard: Stan Lee does not have a contagious skin disease.
Sheldon: Well, look who thinks he’s Stuart’s uncle now.
Raj: Can’t believe it. We’re going to meet Stan Lee! (Presses play on his iPod. His shirt starts to play “I’m So Excited” by the Pointer Sisters. He dances.)
Howard: I’m sad to say I taught him those moves.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: I can’t decide whether I want Stan Lee to autograph my Journey into Mystery 83, first appearance of Thor or my Fantastic Four number five, first appearance of Dr. Doom. (Raj presses his iPod. The theme from Jeopardy plays.) Alex, I’m going to go with what is… you’re a dumbass? (Presses again, his shirt blows a raspberry.)
Sheldon: I’ve decided I’m going to have Mr. Lee sign my copy of this month’s Batman.
Howard: That’s crazy. Stan Lee had nothing to do with Batman.
Sheldon: Yes, which is why no one else will ask him to sign one, and I will be the possessor of a unique, albeit confusing, artifact, which will set me apart from the hoi polloi of comic book fandom.
Raj: That’s a great idea, I’m going to get him to sign a Batman as well.
Sheldon: What is it about the word unique you don’t understand?
Howard: Ow! Damn, paper cut. Nothing worse than a paper cut.
Raj: Well, obviously you don’t remember your circumcision.
Sheldon: There’s Neosporin and Band-Aids in my top desk drawer.
Howard: Why don’t you keep that stuff in the bathroom?
Leonard: He does. And in the kitchen. And in the car. And in his pocket.
Sheldon: Yeah, but the ones in my pocket are mine.
Leonard: Hey. Guess who’s going to be at the comic bookstore on Thursday?
Penny: Um, can you give me a hint?
Leonard: Stan Lee.
Penny: Um, Stanley, Stanley, Stanley Tucci?
Leonard: No, no, Stan Lee.
Penny: Oh, oh, Stan Lee! Cool!
Leonard: You have no idea who he is, do you?
Penny: Of course I do. You’re an important part of my life and I pay attention to the things you are interested in.
Leonard: Good, good, so, who’s Stan Lee?
Penny: Um, he was on Star Trek.
Penny: Star Wars?
Penny: Um, uh, Stan Lee, oh, he was in those goofy kung fu movies you love so much?
Leonard: That’s Bruce Lee.
Penny: Oh. So, is this Bruce Lee’s nerdy brother, Stan?
Howard: Sheldon, why do you have all these unopened paychecks in your desk?
Sheldon: Because most of the things I’m planning to buy haven’t been invented yet.
Howard: But there must be thousands of dollars here. Why don’t you put it in the bank?
Sheldon: I don’t trust banks. I believe that when the robots rise up, ATMs will lead the charge.
Howard: You’ve also got something from the Pasadena Municipal Court.
Sheldon: Undoubtedly yet another snide response to my repeated letters complaining that the flags in front of the courthouse are flying in the wrong order. From left to right, it’s supposed to be federal, state, and then city of Pasadena.
Penny: I’m sorry. You sent more than one letter about that?
Sheldon: It bothers me.
Howard: Sheldon, this is a summons.
Sheldon: A summons for what?
Howard: Looks like you ran a red light on Marengo Avenue at 9:30 p.m. on November 16. They got you on a traffic camera. Nice picture.
Sheldon: November 16? Penny, that’s the evening you fell in your bathtub and I had to drive you to the emergency room.
Penny: No, it isn’t.
Sheldon: Yes, it is.
Penny: No, it isn’t.
Sheldon: Penny, I have an eidetic memory. Also, that’s a picture of you in the passenger seat holding your dislocated shoulder.
Penny: Mmm, no, it isn’t.
Sheldon: Okay, then why is a summons for a traffic violation committed in your car, bearing your license plates, coming to me?
Penny: Okay, look, they sent me the ticket. I told them I wasn’t driving and they were all, if it wasn’t you, who was it?
Sheldon: So you betrayed me?
Penny: No! It wasn’t a betrayal. It was more of a can’t afford any more points on my license. I already have to buy my insurance from this place in the Cayman Islands.
Sheldon: But the only reason I was driving your car was because you were in distress and I was rescuing you.
Penny: Yes, yes, look, and now you have a photo to remember that heroic day.
Leonard: It’s not that big a deal. You just go down to the court on Thursday and you pay the fine.
Sheldon: I’m not going to pay a fine. That would imply I’m guilty.
Howard: You are guilty. (Raj’s shirt plays the gavel sound from Law & Order) That one I liked.
Sheldon: I am not guilty. I only have a learner’s permit, Penny was the teacher. When the light turned yellow she said go, go, go, so I went, went, went.
Penny: Sheldon, I’m sorry. I’ll be happy to reimburse you for the fine. You know, as soon as I get a part in a movie or my own TV series.
Sheldon: You don’t need to reimburse me because I’m not paying. On Thursday, I will have my day in court and justice will be done. In fact, I’m going to begin preparing my defence right now.
Howard: Okay, he’s going to jail.
Leonard (after Raj whispers to him): Oh, that’s right. Thursday is Stan Lee Day.
Sheldon: Now you see what you’ve done? Because of you, we’re all going to miss Stan Lee.
Leonard: Whoa! What do you mean all?
Sheldon: Well, you’re my friends. You’ll be standing by my side, supporting me, feeding me legal precedents, and if you had the upper body strength, carrying me out on your shoulders when I’m victorious.
Leonard: Yeah, okay. No.
Sheldon: Are you saying that you will not stand beside me as I plead my case?
Leonard: That’s what I’m saying.
Howard: Wow. Uh, Stan Lee, or you in court? Uh, if this was Sophie’s Choice it would’ve been a much shorter movie. No.
Sheldon: Raj? You’ll be there, won’t you? (Shirt plays “incorrect” quiz sound) All right, then, my so-called friends have forsaken me. So, I guess it’ll just be me and my eyewitness.
Penny: Oh, balls.
Sheldon: Please try to wear something appropriate. It won’t help my case if the judge is busy trying to read the word Juicy scrawled across your buttocks.
Scene: Penny’s door.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny (opening door): (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Sheldon: That’s just wrong.
Penny: All right, let’s go.
Sheldon: Wait, hold on. Before we get to the courthouse, I’d like to call on your skills as an actress.
Penny: What is this?
Sheldon: I’ve taken the liberty of scripting your appearance on the witness stand because, let’s face it, you’re somewhat of a loose cannon. Now, don’t worry, it’s written in your vernacular. So shall we rehearse?
Penny: Do I have a choice?
Sheldon: Well, of course you have a choice. Although we live in a deterministic universe, each individual has free will. Now, sit down. I call your attention to the events of November 16. Do you remember that date?
Penny (reading): Darn tootin’, I do, if the court will excuse my homespun, corn-fed Nebraskan turn of phrase.
Sheldon: Excellent. Go on.
Penny: The reason that date is, like, so totally fixed in my memory is that I had the privilege to be witness to one of the most heroic acts I’ve ever seen in, like, ever.
Sheldon: And who performed that heroic act?
Penny: Why, you did, sir. You. Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and may I add, it is a privilege to know you.
Sheldon: There’s no need for compliments, this court is only interested in the facts.
Penny: But it is a fact that it’s a privilege to know you. Totally. A teardrop rolls down my cheek?
Sheldon: Only a suggestion. A catch in your throat would work just as well.
Penny (pretending to be close to tears): But it is a fact that it’s a privilege to know you. Totally.
Sheldon: Maybe you should put on your Juicy pants again.
Scene: The courtroom.
Judge: Pay the cashier. Sheldon Cooper?
Sheldon: Good morning, Your Honour. Dr. Sheldon Cooper appearing in pro se. That is to say, representing himself.
Judge: I know what it means. I went to law school.
Sheldon: And yet you wound up in traffic court. Anyway, if it would please the court, I’d like to begin with an opening statement.
Judge: The court would advise you to make it quick, as the court had a dicey-looking breakfast burrito this morning and just took an Imodium.
Sheldon: Very well, a quick opening statement. Like a milking stool, my case rests on three legs. I will demonstrate that I was improperly instructed in driving by a woman whose lack of respect for society borders on the sociopathic. I will argue that the emergency met the legal doctrine of quod est necessarium est licitum, that which is necessary is legal. But first, I will raise a Sixth Amendment issue. I’m unable to confront my accuser, a non-human entity, to wit, a camera. So, to sum up, improper instruction, quod est necessarium est licitum, Sixth Amendment. My milk stool is complete.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Judge: Guilty. Pay the cashier.
Sheldon: I object. You’re completely ignoring the law.
Judge: No, I’m following the law. I’m ignoring you.
Sheldon: Really? I would point out that I am at the top of my profession, while you preside over the kiddy table of yours.
Judge: Dr. Cooper, before I find you in contempt and throw you in jail, I’m going to give you a chance to apologize for that last remark.
Sheldon: I am a scientist. I never apologize for the truth.
Scene: A police cell. Three people sit on a bench inside. Sheldon points at the one on the end.
Sheldon: That’s my spot.
Scene: A queue outside the comic book store.
Raj: I can’t wait to ask Stan Lee why he insists on giving all his characters first and last names that start with the same letter.
Leonard: Oh, come on, why would you do that?
Raj: Bruce Banner, Reed Richards, Sue Storm, Stephen Strange, Otto Octavius, Silver Surfer, Peter Parker, oh, and worst of all, J. Jonah Jameson, Jr.
Howard: Okay, I’m cutting. I’m not gonna talk to Stan Lee after you cheese him off.
Leonard (phone rings.): Hey.
Penny: Sheldon’s in jail.
Leonard: Sheldon’s in jail?
Raj: You called it.
Leonard: For what?
Penny: What do you think? For doing the same crap he always does, except to a judge. He has to stay in there until he apologizes.
Leonard: So tell him to apologize.
Penny: Oh, gee, thanks, Leonard. That didn’t occur to me. If he doesn’t apologize by 5 o’clock he is going to spend the night in jail.
Leonard: Oh, no, that’s terrible. Ooh, the line’s moving. Got to go. Bye.
Scene: The police cell.
Sheldon: Excuse me? Excuse me, jailor?
Sheldon: I need to use the restroom.
Guard: Knock yourself out. (Points to urinal in cell)
Sheldon: That’s the toilet?
Guard: Well, it ain’t a wishing well.
Sheldon: Please tell the judge I’m ready to apologize.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Look at that. To my friend, Leonard, from Stan Lee, Excelsior!
Howard: Awesome. Mine says, To my friend, Howard, from Stan Lee, Excelsior!
Raj: Mine says, To Raj, from Stan Lee.
Howard: That’s ’cause you pissed him off about his character names.
Raj: Hey, I didn’t even mention Dum Dum Dugan or Green Goblin, Matt Murdock, Pepper Potts, Victor Von Doom, oh, and worst of all, Millie the Model.
Penny: We’re home.
Leonard: Oh, hey, buddy. How’d it go?
Sheldon: You know very well how it went.
Leonard: Yeah, but we all want to hear it from you.
Sheldon: I was found guilty and fined $533.
Penny: I’m going to write you a cheque for that. As long as you promise to put it in your drawer and never cash it, like the others.
Sheldon: I also now have three points on a driver’s licence I do not yet possess, and I was forced to issue an undeserved apology, simply because I refuse to urinate in a stainless steel bowl in front of criminals.
Howard: Plus, you didn’t get to meet Stan Lee.
Leonard: Okay, that’s enough, Howard. The poor guy’s had a tough time. He had to spend the entire afternoon in jail wearing that suit.
Howard: You’re right, so it would be cruel to mention that after he finished signing autographs, Stan Lee took Stuart and us out for gelato.
Sheldon: You had gelato with Stan Lee?
Howard: He said we could call him Stan.
Leonard: Except for Raj.
Sheldon: Well, I hope you’re satisfied, Penny. You are responsible for all the evil that has befallen me today.
Penny: Okay, I realize that…
Sheldon: Not finished. It is because of you that I now have a criminal record, and it is because of you that I missed out on having gelato with Stan Lee.
Penny: Okay, maybe you’ll have another chance to have…
Sheldon: No, no. I will never have another chance to have gelato with Stan Lee because opportunities to have gelato with Stan Lee come but once in a lifetime. The moving finger writes, and having writ, moves on!
Penny: Did he just somehow give me the finger?
Howard: Not just the finger. The moving finger.
Scene: The comic book store.
Penny: Hey, Stuart.
Stuart: Oh, hey, Penny. Wow. Hi.
Penny: What’s going on?
Stuart: Nothing. I’m just getting ready to close up and head out.
Penny: Ah. Cool. Got any fun plans?
Stuart: Oh, yeah. Big night tonight. Gonna share a can of tuna with the cat.
Penny: Oh, nice.
Stuart: Not even my cat. I just feed it. Some nights it doesn’t even show up.
Penny: Oh, okay. Well, I was hoping, um, you could do me a favour.
Stuart: Sure, yeah, name it.
Penny: Well, I’m kind of responsible for Sheldon missing Stan Lee, and I really want to make it up to him. So I was hoping you could give me his phone number so maybe I can arrange for them to meet.
Stuart: Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t have his phone number.
Penny: Hmm. Damn. All right. Thank you.
Stuart: Mm-hmm. Wait. I have his address.
Penny: Really? Great!
Stuart: But I can’t give it to you.
Penny: Then why did you tell me you had it?
Stuart: I don’t know. Just chatting. You’re looking at a guy who could very well get stood up by a stray cat tonight.
Penny: I’m sorry, Stuart. Thanks anyway.
Stuart: Mm-hmm. Wait.
Stuart: Maybe we can make a deal.
Penny: What kind of deal?
Stuart: I will give you the address if you go to my cousin’s wedding with me.
Penny: You’re extorting a date out of me?
Stuart: I kind of have to. The cousin who’s getting married is the cousin I usually go to weddings with.
Penny: Can I bring Leonard?
Stuart: Sure. What the hell.
Stuart: We’ll tell people he’s your cousin.
Scene: Outside Stan Lee’s house.
Sheldon: This is Stan Lee’s front door. We were on Stan Lee’s curb, then we were on Stan Lee’s walk, and now we’re at Stan Lee’s front door.
Sheldon: Oh, Lord, you just rang Stan Lee’s doorbell. At Stan Lee’s house. We’re about to go in and have milk and cookies with Stan Lee.
Penny: Okay, sweetie, I don’t know if we’re gonna have cookies, or he’s just gonna say hi, or really what’s gonna happen, so just let me talk, and we’ll…
Stan Lee (opening door): Yeah?
Penny: Are you Stan Lee?
Stan Lee: Oh, damn.
Penny: Hi. I’m Penny. This is my friend, Sheldon.
Sheldon: We’re not friends at the moment. Depends on how this goes.
Penny: Right, right. Anyway, Sheldon here is a huge fan of yours, and he was supposed to meet you the other day at the comic book store, but he kind of ended up in jail.
Stan Lee: I see. And you thought you’d just come over to my house uninvited?
Sheldon: You said we were invited.
Penny: Oh, no, no, I said I’m inviting you to come with me to Stan Lee’s house.
Stan Lee: You know, you fan boys are unbelievable. Do you think you can just ring my doorbell any time you want? I mean, why don’t you just come on in and watch the Lakers game with me?
Sheldon: Well, I’m not much of a sports fan, but thank you.
Penny: I’m sorry. He doesn’t really understand sarcasm.
Stan Lee: Well, I’ll give him something he’ll understand. Joanie, call the police!
Penny: Nice to meet you.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Fantastic Four, Daredevil, Invincible Iron Man, Happy Hogan, Curt Connors…
Howard: Would you just let it go?
Raj: And worst of all, Fin Fang Foom.
Leonard (as Sheldon enters): Hey, where’ve you been?
Sheldon: I’ll tell you where I’ve been. You boys may have had gelato with Stan Lee and gotten autographed comics, but I saw the inside of his house and got an autographed application for a restraining order.
Sheldon: Plus, I get to hang out with him again at the hearing. This is going to look great hanging next to my restraining order from Leonard Nimoy.