Series 3 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst
Scene: The lobby.
Penny: Oh, damn, they cancelled my Visa. Oh, yay, a new MasterCard!
Sheldon: I was going to get my mail.
Penny: Okay. Are, are you hoping to get it telepathically?
Sheldon: I think you mean telekinetically. And no, I just wasn’t sure of the proper protocol now that you and Leonard are no longer having coitus.
Penny: God, can we please just say no longer seeing each other?
Sheldon: Well, we could if it were true. But as you live in the same building, you see each other all the time. The variable which has changed is the coitus.
Penny: Okay, here’s the protocol, you and I are still friends, and you stop saying coitus.
Sheldon: Good, good. I’m glad we’re still friends.
Sheldon: Oh, yes. It was a lot of work to accommodate you in my life. I’d hate for that effort to have been in vain.
Sheldon: Just to be clear do I have to stop saying coitus with everyone or just you?
Sheldon: Harsh terms. But all right, I’ll just substitute intercourse.
Sheldon: Or fornication. Yeah. But that has judgmental overtones, so I’ll hold that in reserve.
Penny: So, how you been?
Sheldon: Well, my existence is a continuum, so I’ve been what I am at each point in the implied time period.
Penny: You’re just coitusing with me, aren’t you?
Penny: Mmm. How’s Leonard doing?
Sheldon: He seems all right. Although he does spend a disturbing amount of time looking at photographs of you and smelling the pillow you slept on. Oh, but now that I think of it, he asked me not to tell you that.
Penny: I’ll pretend I didn’t hear it.
Sheldon: I’d rather you pretend I didn’t say it. I see you bought Mama Italia marinara spaghetti sauce.
Sheldon: That’s the sauce my mother uses. She likes cooking Italian because according to her, that’s what the Romans made Jesus eat.
Penny: Interesting. I’ll have to have you over for spaghetti some night.
Sheldon: I’m hungry now.
Penny: Oh. Um, okay. Why don’t you give me an hour and come over?
Sheldon: Will you cut up hot dogs into little chunks and mix them in with the sauce?
Penny: I don’t have hot dogs.
Sheldon: Oh, it’s all right, I do. Oh! You’re in for what my mother calls a real Eye-talian treat. (Enters apartment).
Leonard: Hey, where you been?
Sheldon: I was talking with Penny.
Howard: What’s wrong with you? You can’t hang out with your roommate’s ex. That’s totally uncool.
Leonard: No, no, it’s fine. I don’t care. I’m over it.
Raj: Yeah, he’s over it, that’s why he’s been whining all day about trying to invent that memory-wiper gizmo from Men in Black.
Sheldon: Is he making any progress? Because I’d like to erase Ben Affleck as Daredevil.
Howard: So would Ben Affleck. The point is, in a situation like this you got to pick sides. You’re either on Team Leonard or Team Penny.
Sheldon: Which one picks last?
Sheldon: Well, usually I’m on the team that picks last. Unless there’s a kid in a wheelchair.
Leonard: Sheldon, I got you your tangerine chicken. I hope you’re hungry.
Sheldon: Well, of course I’m hungry. And as I have no plans to eat with any other team, I will consume my tangerine chicken with the appropriate gusto. Mm, mm, mm!
Sheldon: Just out of curiosity, do we still have hot dogs?
Leonard: I don’t know. Why?
Sheldon: Just making dinner conversation. Go, Team Leonard!
Scene: A few moments later.
Howard: Oh, God, this is good.
Raj: Let me ask you a question. Do you believe you’re going to go to hell for eating sweet and sour pork?
Howard: Jews don’t have hell. We have acid reflux.
Leonard: Do you want the last dumpling, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Certainly. It’s not like I have to moderate my food intake because I’m planning on eating again very shortly. Mm, mm, mm!
Leonard: So, you guys want to do something tonight?
Howard: Nah, I can’t. I got to pick up my mom from her water aerobics class. 18 overweight women flapping their arm fat in a swimming pool. Looks like the manatee tank at Sea World.
Leonard: What about you, Raj?
Raj: Oh, there it is, now that you don’t have a girlfriend, you want to hang out with me again.
Leonard: I never stopped hanging out with you.
Raj: Oh, please, we all know I’m the friend you call when you have no other options. If we were the Justice League, I’d be Aquaman.
Howard: I wish you were Aquaman. Then I could send you to scoop my mom out of the old lady tank.
Sheldon: Excuse me, I’m thirsty, so I’m going to go to the refrigerator and get myself a refreshing beverage.
Leonard: You know what? I’ll just spend the evening alone.
Raj: What, suddenly I’m not good enough for you?
Sheldon: Ah, I do so love beverages. Now I think I’ll take my after-dinner walk.
Leonard: Since when do you take after-dinner walks?
Howard: Yeah, since when do you take walks?
Sheldon: I read a study online that walking after a meal not only aids in digestion, but increases serotonin, and you know me, if there’s one thing I like more than a refreshing beverage, it’s serotonin. Bye-bye.
Howard: Hold on. I’ll walk down with you.
Sheldon: Oh, that’s not necessary. You can go first.
Howard: Or we could go together.
Sheldon: I can’t think of a reason why not.
Howard: Let’s go.
Sheldon: Hold on. Nope, no reason.
Raj: I’ve missed you.
Scene: The lobby.
Sheldon: All right, say hello to your mother for me.
Howard: You said you were going for a walk.
Sheldon: I didn’t say outside.
Howard: So what, you’re just gonna walk up and down the stairs?
Sheldon: No, of course not. That would be odd and suspicious behavior.
Woman’s voice: Here Bubbles. Here boy.
Howard: Which way are you going?
Sheldon: Which way are you going?
Howard: I parked my scooter down the block.
Sheldon: I’m going the other way. Bye.
Howard: Bye. Actually, I’m this way. Do I smell hot dogs?
Sheldon: No. I mean, I have no idea what you smell.
Howard: I definitely smell raw hot dog.
Sheldon: Perhaps you’re getting a brain tumour.
Howard: All right, have a nice walk.
Sheldon: I shall. Have a nice scoot.
Howard: You might want to stand back. I’m sitting on top of 13 horses here.
Sheldon: Oh. Hello, doggie. Nice doggie. I bet you think you smell hot dogs. Look, a cat!
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Long pause, knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Penny opens door. A dishevelled Sheldon is holding up one hot dog.) Here. I had to trade the others for my life.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Hey, Leonard?
Raj: I haven’t had sex in a year.
Leonard: Where you going with this, Raj?
Raj: Don’t flatter yourself, dude. I want to go out and meet a woman.
Leonard: So, go.
Raj: Well, I need a wingman. I don’t want to come off like a lonely loser.
Leonard: And you think my presence will help with that?
Raj: Well, I do. Next to you, I’ll look like a catch.
Leonard: I’m not going out tonight, Raj.
Raj: All right. Would you mind if I went to your room and downloaded some Asian pornography?
Leonard: Very much.
Raj: Doesn’t have to be Asian.
Leonard: Don’t worry. You’ll meet a girl someday.
Raj: No, I won’t.
Leonard: Yes, you will, and she’ll be beautiful, and kind and sexy and funny and everything you ever wanted in a woman.
Raj: You really think so?
Leonard: I do, and you’ll fall hopelessly in love and give her your heart. And she’ll take it and grind it into pathetic, little pieces.
Raj: But we’ll have sex first, right?
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Sheldon: Mmm, mmm, mmm. That’s Eye-talian.
Penny: So, um, was Leonard okay with you coming over?
Sheldon: Oh, yes. In fact, he said, I’m fine, I don’t care. And he in no way said it in a manner which would lead one to believe that he was covering up feelings of anguish and betrayal.
Penny: Well, good.
Sheldon: I’m also pleased to report that he’s all cried out over you.
Penny: He’s been crying?
Sheldon: Oh, I believe that was something else I wasn’t supposed to mention.
Penny: Oh, God, I feel terrible.
Sheldon: Do you have a stomach ache, too?
Penny: No. Why, do you?
Penny: Why did you ask if I had one, too?
Sheldon: Just making polite dinner conversation. Your turn.
Penny: All right. So, what’s new in your life?
Sheldon: Well, my new shoes are not made for running.
Penny: Have you been running?
Sheldon: No. It’s just a suspicion I have. Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Penny: I’m so glad you like it.
Sheldon: I do. Leonard never cooks for me.
Penny: Well, maybe that’s ’cause Leonard can’t cook.
Sheldon: You can’t cook and you made me this.
Penny: Whatever. Ooh, I’m gonna get the cheesecake out of the fridge.
Sheldon: Oh, Lord, I’m in Jewish hell.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Look at this. Do you think she’s really doing that or is it PhotoShop?
Leonard: I’m pretty sure Martha Stewart never got naked with a room full of big, fat Japanese guys.
Raj: You don’t know that. Prison changes people.
Leonard: Hey, where you been?
Sheldon: I told you, walking.
Leonard: For an hour and a half?
Sheldon: I got lost.
Leonard: How could you get lost? Your phone has GPS.
Sheldon: Satellites are down. Solar flares.
Raj: There are no solar flares right now.
Sheldon: Yes, there are.
Raj: Dude, I’m an astrophysicist. If there were solar flares, I’d be all up in it.
Sheldon: I’m sorry. I misspoke. What I meant to say was my battery died.
Leonard: What the hell was that about?
Raj: I don’t know. Do you think this is really Hillary Clinton doing it with Oprah?
Leonard: Oh, we really need to get you a girl.
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom. Leonard is asleep.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (knock, knock, knock) Leonard.
Leonard: Oh, just come in!
Sheldon: Thanks for seeing me on such short notice.
Leonard: What do you want, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Maybe this isn’t a good time.
Leonard: Tell me why you woke me up or I swear to God I will kill you.
Sheldon: Do you really think death threats are an appropriate way to begin this conversation? Sometimes your lack of social skills astonishes me.
Leonard: What do you want?
Sheldon: You may want to sit down.
Leonard: I’m in bed!
Sheldon: Point taken. You may want to sit up.
Sheldon: I’ve been seeing Penny behind your back.
Leonard: Okay, when you say seeing Penny, what exactly does that mean?
Sheldon: We had dinner last night. She made me spaghetti with little hot dogs cut up in it. Well, little hot dog. I gave up the other five hot dogs to a real dog. A real, big dog. A hell hound. Tangential to the primary story. How about I circle back to it?
Leonard: Fine. Why did you have dinner with Penny?
Sheldon: I told you, she made spaghetti with little hot dogs. I like spaghetti with little hot dogs.
Leonard: Then why did you have Chinese food with us?
Sheldon: I didn’t want to upset you. Howard made it very clear that my allegiance should be to male comrades before women who sell their bodies for money.
Leonard: Is it possible he said Bros before Hos?
Sheldon: Yes, but I rephrased it to avoid offending the hos.
Leonard: Sheldon, I don’t care if you want to be friends with Penny.
Sheldon: Oh. Well, so the emotional turmoil that’s been keeping me from achieving REM sleep was entirely unjustified?
Sheldon: Well then as my meemaw would say, looks like we butchered a pig, but nobody wanted bacon.
Leonard: I guess not.
Sheldon: And now, as promised, the tangent. Sheldon and the Hell Hound, or How I Lost My Hot Dogs.
Scene: The laundry room.
Penny: Oh, um, I, I can come back.
Leonard: D-don’t be silly. We’re neighbours, we’re going to run into each other, may as well get used to it.
Penny: Yeah, I guess you’re right.
Leonard: You used to it yet?
Leonard: Me neither. Oh, Sheldon seemed think that I would be upset about you hanging out with him. But I just want you to know it’s fine.
Penny: Oh, oh, good, because, um, his mother called me.
Leonard: His mother?
Penny: Yeah, she wants me to take him shopping for sheets and towels.
Leonard: I was going to do that.
Penny: Oh, well, then you, you do it.
Leonard: No, I don’t want to do it. You can do it.
Penny: Okay, you can take him for shoes.
Leonard: I just took him for shoes.
Penny: Well, all I know is he says they hurt his feet.
Leonard: Fine. I’ll take him for shoes next Saturday.
Penny: Oh, no, no, no, a bunch of us from work are going to Disneyland next Saturday and Sheldon wants to come.
Leonard: You’re taking him to Disneyland?
Penny: Well, he heard me making plans on the phone. Was I going to say no?
Leonard: All right. But let me know if you’re going to stuff him with junk food. I don’t want to bring home a nice dinner for him and see it go to waste.
Penny: We’re going to Disneyland. He’s going to eat junk food.
Leonard: All I’m saying is give me a heads-up.
Penny: Okay, whatever.
Leonard: And don’t let him go on Space Mountain after he eats. He’ll say he can handle it, but I promise you’ll end up with churro puke on your shoes.
Penny: All right, got it. Is there anything else?
Leonard: Yeah, don’t let Goofy near him. He’ll have nightmares and I’ll have to deal with it.
Penny: What’s the problem with Goofy?
Leonard: Wish I knew. He’s fine with Pluto.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Hey, do you think the elastic woman in The Incredibles needs to use birth control or can she just be a diaphragm?
Howard: Well, that’s it. We’re officially out of things to talk about.
Penny: We’re home.
Leonard: It’s ten o’clock, where have you been?
Sheldon: We stayed for the California Adventure water show. It was pure Disney magic.
Leonard: I was going to see that with him.
Penny: How was I supposed to know that?
Sheldon: It’s all right. I’ll see it again with you.
Leonard: And I have food here. You said you were going to call.
Penny: I know, I know.
Sheldon: I can still eat.
Penny: No, you already threw up once. Go put on your PJs and brush your teeth.
Sheldon: Okay, but just don’t fight
Leonard: We’re not fighting.
Penny: Just go.
Leonard: Aren’t you going to thank Penny for taking you to Disneyland?
Sheldon: Thank you, Penny.
Penny: You’re welcome, sweetie.
Leonard: Want a cup of coffee?
Penny: Oh, um, I should probably get going.
Leonard: Come on. It’s just a cup of coffee.
Penny: Yep, okay.
Howard (to Raj, who has whispered to him): Oh, yeah, the whole thing seems a little twisted to me, too.
Leonard: What am I smelling?
Penny: Sheldon’s churro on my shoes.
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.
Penny: He’s such an angel when he’s asleep.
Leonard: Yeah. Shame he has to wake up.
Penny: I think we can do it.
Leonard: Smother Sheldon in his sleep? Wouldn’t that be wrong?
Penny: No, be friends. You and me.
Leonard: Oh. Sure. Absolutely.
Penny: Good. I’m glad.
Leonard: Here’s an idea. I’m just throwing it out there, friends who have sex.
Penny: Good night, Leonard.
Leonard: Kidding. Just a couple of friends goofin’ around.
Sheldon (in his sleep): No, Goofy, no.