Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: All I’m saying is, if they took all the money they spent trying to make a decent Hulk movie, they could probably just make an actual Hulk.
Sheldon: That is apt and amusing. I think I shall share that with Amy Farrah Fowler. She’ll appreciate the witticism.
Leonard: Thank you.
Sheldon: It’ll also help improve her initial impression of you.
Leonard: So what’s going on with you two?
Sheldon: Well, the status is as it always was. She’s a girl. She’s a friend. She is not my, please forgive me for doing this, girlfriend.
Leonard: Right, right. So you’re still just texting and emailing? You don’t feel any need to hang out with her, you know, be in the same room?
Sheldon: Leonard, you are my best friend. I’ve known you for seven years, and I can barely tolerate sitting on the couch with you. Imagine my attitude regarding prolonged physical proximity to Amy Farrah Fowler.
Leonard: Got it.
Sheldon: I sense judgment on your part.
Leonard: No, no. Maybe a little.
Sheldon: May I suggest that your criticism is based on jealousy.
Leonard: Jealousy? What do I have to be jealous of?
Sheldon: I have a functioning and satisfying relationship with a female. You have none.
Leonard: Oh, right. That.
Sheldon: Jealousy is an ugly green-eyed monster, not unlike the Hulk, who, by the way, also has a girlfriend. In this iteration, Jennifer Connelly, whom you may recall as the girlfriend of Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind, a feel-good romp if there ever was one.
Leonard: I’m not jealous.
Sheldon: Hu-u-urgh! Leonard not jealous.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: You know, it just occurred to me, if there are an infinite number of parallel universes, in one of them, there’s probably a Sheldon who doesn’t believe parallel universes exist.
Leonard: Probably. What’s your point?
Sheldon: No point. It’s just one of the things that makes one of the mes chuckle. What makes you chuckle, Leonard?
Leonard: Hmm, recently? Not much.
Sheldon: Is it because of the conflict that arises from your desperate need to pair-bond with a woman, and the apparent collective decision of all womankind to deny you that opportunity?
Leonard: Um, shut up.
Sheldon: You know, when my grandfather died, and Meemaw was alone, my mom arranged for her to visit a centre three times a week where she could socialize with other lonely people. It’s very nice. They discuss current events, play bridge, get a hot meal.
Leonard: That sounds lovely.
Sheldon: It is if you like bridge. Do you like bridge, Leonard?
Leonard: Sheldon, I’m just not dating someone right now. I don’t need to go to a senior centre.
Sheldon: Meemaw resisted at first, but now she loves it.
Leonard: Fine. If I don’t meet someone soon, you can put me in a home.
Sheldon: It’s not a home. It’s a senior centre. We’d never put Meemaw in a home!
Scene: The comic book store.
Leonard: Hey, guys.
Sheldon: All right, I’ll bow to social pressure. Hey!
Howard (phone rings): Excuse me. That’s my girlfriend, Bernadette. I assigned her her own ringtone, Bernadette by The Four Tops. Hello, Bernadette.
Raj: When I call him, his phone plays Brown Eyed Girl. Which, now that I think about it, is not so good.
Leonard: You realize he’s just rubbing our noses in the fact that he has a girlfriend, and we don’t.
Rai: You mean, you don’t.
Leonard: You have a girlfriend? How could you have a girlfriend? You can’t even speak to women.
Raj: Two words, deaf chick. It doesn’t matter if I can’t talk, because she can’t hear me.
Raj: That’s what she said.
Leonard: Great. You have a girlfriend, Howard’s got a girlfriend, Sheldon’s got a girl…
Sheldon: No, no, no, no!
Leonard: …who’s a friend.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Leonard: What about you, Stuart? You have a girlfriend yet?
Stuart: Oh, yeah. Yeah. I met her at Comic-Con, the one place in the world where saying I own a comic bookstore is an actual pickup line.
Leonard: Oh. Well, good for you.
Stuart: Not really. She’s horrible. When she wants to have sex, she puts on her plus-size Wonder Woman costume and shouts who wants to take a ride in my invisible plane?
Leonard: Why don’t you just break up with her?
Stuart: No, no, I can’t.
Leonard: Why not?
Stuart: ‘Cause then I’d be alone, like you.
Raj: Dude, why don’t you just invoke your girlfriend pact with Wolowitz?
Leonard: Because I don’t need his girlfriend to set me up with one of her girlfriends. I’m perfectly capable of finding a girl on my own.
Raj: Oh, Leonard, you remind me of the funny old story about a man who walks into a women’s correctional institution with a stack of paperwork that will allow the female convicts to go free.
Leonard: You’re saying I couldn’t get laid in a women’s prison with a handful of pardons.
Raj: Are you going to let me tell the story or not?
Scene: The apartment. Leonard is stretched face down on the sofa.
Sheldon: Leonard? Are you sleeping?
Sheldon: Are you ill?
Sheldon: Are you still depressed because you’re alone, and no one loves you?
Leonard: I don’t know. Maybe.
Sheldon: I want you to know that I’m genuinely concerned about your well-being.
Leonard: Thank you.
Sheldon: You’re welcome. But it’s still no reason to have your feet in my spot.
Amy (on webcam): May I offer an observation?
Leonard: What the hell? How long has she been here?
Sheldon: Since we got home from the comic bookstore.
Leonard: That was two hours ago.
Sheldon: As per your suggestion, we’re hanging out. Quite frankly, I don’t see what all the hoopla’s about. Go on, Amy.
Amy: From a neurobiological standpoint, Leonard, you may be alone because your psychological state is causing an actual pheromone-based stink of desperation.
Sheldon: Did you know that, Leonard?
Sheldon: I did.
Amy: I understand that some people find mates in social gathering places such as bars or taverns. Have you tried a bar or tavern?
Leonard: No, I’m not gonna try to pick up a woman in a bar.
Sheldon: Wise decision. You see, Amy, success at a bar is based on classic male attributes such as height, strength, attractiveness, the ability to hold one’s liquor and throw darts, separately or together. Leonard has none of these attributes, right, Leonard?
Amy: That’s not true of all bars. Juice bars, for example.
Sheldon: Oh! Good point, Amy. Yeah, building on your premise, Leonard could frequent sushi bars, salad bars, oyster bars, the Apple Genius Bar, what are you doing?
Leonard (exiting the apartment): Keep going. I’m listening.
Amy: That was rude.
Sheldon: He does it all the time. He’s a cornucopia of social awkwardness.
Amy: Cornucopia. What a mellifluous word.
Sheldon: Let’s make that our word of the day.
Amy: Agreed. And we’ll use mellifluous tomorrow.
Sheldon: Well, I have to void my bladder. It was nice spending this time with you.
Amy: Wait. I have a request.
Amy: I’d like you to meet my mother.
Sheldon: I see. Can I get back to you on that?
Amy: Certainly. Good night.
Sheldon: Good night. (Closing laptop, and running down stairs in panic) Leonard, Leonard, Leonard,
Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard.
Leonard: Yeah, what?
Sheldon: Amy Farrah Fowler has asked me to meet her mother.
Leonard: Yeah. So?
Sheldon: What does that mean?
Leonard: Well, you know how you’re always saying that Amy is a girl who’s your friend, and not your girlfriend?
Leonard: You can’t say that anymore.
Sheldon: Wait. What?
Leonard: Look, she obviously wants to take your relationship to the next level.
Sheldon: I don’t want the next level. I like this level. Fix it for me!
Leonard: Me? Well, how am I supposed to fix it?
Sheldon: Simple! You want a girlfriend, Amy wants to be someone’s girlfriend. Take her off my hands. I give you my blessing.
Leonard: That is insane.
Sheldon: You’re right. It would never work. Amy finds you tedious.
Leonard: Okay, good luck.
Sheldon: Wait! What am I supposed to do?
Leonard: Well, have you considered telling her how you feel?
Sheldon: Leonard, I’m a physicist, not a hippie.
Leonard: All right, well, let me see if I can explain your situation using physics. What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis?
Leonard: There you go.
Sheldon: Amy’s right. He is tedious.
Scene: Outside Howard’s house. Leonard rings bell.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard, get the door!
Howard (off): Why can’t you get it?
Mrs Wolowitz (off): You know I’m doing a bowel cleanse for my colonoscopy! I’m like an upside-down volcano here.
Howard: Oh, hey. I hope you didn’t hear that.
Leonard: The volcano thing? No.
Howard: What’s with the T-shirt? You working at the Apple store now?
Leonard: No, it’s just something I threw on.
Howard: I know all your shirts. That’s not one of them. You were pretending to work at the Genius Bar to pick up women, weren’t you?
Leonard: Yeah. Turns out, they guard the iPods, but they don’t guard the shirts.
Howard: So, how’d it go?
Leonard: It was going well. I was showing this super hot girl how to boot up in Safe Mode. The manager got suspicious, and, well, long story short, they really do have a little jail in the mall.
Howard: Just FYI, don’t try to go back with a fake moustache. I mean, they may not really be geniuses, but they see right through that.
Leonard: I want to invoke the girlfriend pact, Howard.
Howard: You that desperate?
Leonard: No, I just, I want what you have. You know, I want a woman in my life.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Holy Moses, how much liquid can be in one tukus?
Leonard: To be clear, I meant like Bernadette, not your mother.
Howard: Yeah, I know what you mean.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Well, I’m off to meet Bernadette’s friend. How do I look?
Sheldon: As if one of the plants from Invasion of the Body Snatchers duplicated you in every way, only with an absurd amount of hair gel.
Leonard: What are you working on?
Sheldon: I’m removing my digital footprint from the Internet so Amy Farrah Fowler can’t find me and compel me to meet her mother.
Leonard: Ah, you’re going off the grid.
Leonard: The old Unabomber approach. Kudos.
Sheldon: Thank you. I’ve also sent Amy a relationship termination notice and changed my cell phone number and e-mail address.
Leonard: What if she just comes over?
Sheldon: She’ll get lost. We no longer live at 2311 Los Robles. We now live at 311 Los Robles.
Leonard: You changed the address on the building? What about mail?
Sheldon: Oh, no worries, I explained my predicament to our letter carrier. He was sympathetic. His exact words were, Got your back, Jack. Bitches be crazy.
Leonard (there is a knock on the door): Who is it?
Amy (off): Amy Farrah Fowler.
Sheldon: Darn! She found me!
Leonard: She’s been here before.
Sheldon: The only flaw in an otherwise perfect plan. Now, get my back, Jack.
Leonard: What do you want to do?
Sheldon: Tell her I’m not here.
Leonard: Okay, where are you?
Sheldon: I don’t know. You’ll have to devise a scenario that plausibly explains my absence, keeping in mind that the key to a good lie lies in the details.
Leonard: Hi, Amy. Sheldon’s not here.
Amy: All right. (Leaves)
Sheldon: Way to go on the details.
Scene: A restaurant.
Leonard: Thanks again for doing this, Bernadette.
Bernadette: Oh, I take pacts very seriously. One time at my lab, a petri dish of genetically modified super-virus went missing. That day we made a pinky swear never to admit we crossed Ebola with the common cold.
Howard: Why the hell would you cross Ebola with the common cold?
Bernadette: We never did. That would be a terrible, terrible thing.
Girl (arriving): Hi. Sorry I’m late, I was at the gym. Spin class. Worked up quite a sweat.
Bernadette: Joy, this is Leonard. Leonard, this is Joy.
Joy: Hi. You don’t look like a genius. Go ahead, say something smart.
Joy: Aah! Time’s up. Just kidding. First thing you need to know about me, I’m hilarious.
Leonard: Yeah. So, Bernadette tells me she knows you from self-defence classes?
Joy: Yeah. Israeli Krav Maga. Lots of fun. Basically, a hundred different ways to rip a guy’s nuts off.
Leonard: Wow. Wouldn’t think there’d be that many.
Joy: Number 42!
Bernadette: Isn’t she a pip?
Scene: The stairwell.
Sheldon (rhythmically, while walking down the stairs): Proxima Centauri’s the nearest star. The celestial bodies that follow are Alpha Centauri A, Toli, Barnard’s Star, Wolf 359, Lalande 21185, Sirius A, Sirius B, BL-Ceti, UV-Ceti, Ross 154, Ross 248, Epsilon Eridani, Lac-9352, Ross 128, Procyon A, oh, darn, that’s wrong! (Heads back up stairs) EZ Aquarii A, EZ Aquarii B, EZ Aquarii C, Procyon A. Those are the stars that are nearest to me. Tra-la-la and fiddle-dee-dee. (Sees Amy standing in lobby) Oh, dear. They really do be crazy.
Scene: The restaurant.
Joy (burping): This lobster’s good on the way down and the way up.
Leonard: Should be, it’s thirty dollars a pound.
Joy: Hey, this is a date, right?
Leonard: Yep, it is.
Joy: Excuse me, I have to go to the little girls’ room and take a wicked whiz.
Bernadette: I’ll go with you.
Joy: Fair warning, I had the asparagus. My pee is gonna stink up the place.
Howard: I think she likes you.
Scene: The stairwell. Amy is sitting on the bottom step.
Sheldon (wearing a heavy coat and false nose and glasses): EZ Aquarii B, EZ Aquarii C, excuse me, madam.
Amy: I believe a misunderstanding may have occurred when I asked you to meet my mother.
Sheldon: No misunderstanding. I’ve learned what that request actually means, and I don’t want to be joined to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis.
Amy: In what way are you screwed? All I want to do is present you as my boyfriend to my mother so she’ll be satisfied that I’m in a relationship.
Sheldon: So we’d be perpetrating a ruse?
Sheldon: And you haven’t fallen hopelessly in love with me?
Amy: Don’t be absurd. I find the notion of romantic love to be an unnecessary cultural construct that adds no value to human relationships.
Sheldon: Amy Farrah Fowler, that’s the most pragmatic thing anyone has ever said to me.
Amy: I trust this clarification allows us to return to boy-slash-friend-slash-girl-slash-friend status.
Sheldon: Of course. Would you like to join me for Chinese food?
Amy: Sheldon, please, you’re suffocating me.
Sheldon: My apologies. Good night, Amy.
Amy: Good night, Sheldon.
Scene: The restaurant.
Howard: Come on, just give her a chance. Maybe she’ll grow on you.
Leonard: Or maybe she’ll finally succeed in ripping my nuts off. There are still 93 ways she hasn’t tried yet. Look, Howard, I appreciate the effort, but this is, like, the worst date of my life.
Howard: Seriously? I was once robbed by a pre-op transsexual I met on J-Date, and that didn’t even crack my top ten.
Leonard: I guess the difference is, I have some self-respect.
Howard: Not that I’ve ever seen.
Leonard: It’s relatively new. I just know that I’m not gonna spend time with someone I don’t like simply to have a girlfriend. I’m okay on my own.
Joy: Good news, I made lots of room for dessert.
Leonard: Look, uh, Joy, it was nice to meet you, but…
Joy: Yeah, you, too. Hey, you got anything for next weekend? I need a date for my cousin’s wedding.
Leonard: You’re asking me out?
Joy: Yeah. And it’s an open bar, so I’ll probably be giving it away.
Leonard: I look forward to it.
Scene: The apartment.
Mrs Fowler (on webcam): It’s nice to meet you, too, Sheldon. I honestly didn’t believe Amy when she told me she had a boyfriend.
Sheldon: I assure you I am quite real and I’m having regular intercourse with your daughter.
Mrs Fowler: What?
Sheldon: Oh, yes. We’re like wild animals in heat. It’s a wonder neither of us has been hurt.
Mrs Fowler: Amy, what is he saying?
Amy: You wanted me to have a boyfriend, Mother. Well, here he is. Have to sign off now. My hunger for Sheldon is stirring in my loins.
Sheldon: Oh, yes, it’s time for me to make love to your daughter’s vagina.
Mrs Fowler: Oh!
Amy: Thank you, Sheldon, that went very well.
Sheldon: Agreed. Amy, I find myself wondering if we should actually engage in coitus at least one time in our relationship. Bazinga. Bedtime. Please show yourself out.