Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation
Scene: A public washroom. Amy and Penny are in cubicles, Bernadette is washing her hands.
Amy: I must say, Penny, this is great fun.
Penny: Glad you’re enjoying yourself.
Amy: Until I met you and Bernadette, my trips to the bathroom had been entirely focused on elimination. Now they have a delightful social aspect.
Bernadette: Amy, you must’ve been in the bathroom with other women before.
Amy: Of course I have. But they were strangers and seemed off-put when I engaged in friendly stall-to-stall chit-chat.
Bernadette: Some women don’t like to get chummy when their panties are down.
Amy: You okay in there, bestie?
Penny: I’m fine.
Amy: The reason I ask is that many people experience bladder shyness, the inability to pass urine
Penny: Yeah, I said I’m fine. Stop talking to me.
Amy: She always this crabby when she urinates?
Bernadette: We’re really not that close.
Penny: Screw it. I’ll go later.
Amy: And I’ll be right by your side.
Scene: A shoe shop.
Bernadette: Did I tell you Priya invited me and Howard to have dinner with her and Leonard?
Penny: Oh, that’s nice.
Amy: No, it’s not. It’s a strategic manoeuvre. Leonard’s new girlfriend is testing Bernadette’s loyalty to you and the group. That bitch is crafty.
Bernadette: You think?
Amy: Of course. How does the cheetah attack a herd of wildebeests? By going after its weakest member.
Bernadette: Well, what makes me the weakest member?
Amy: Your trusting nature coupled with your teeny-tiny body. You wouldn’t last a minute on the Serengeti.
Penny: Okay, Amy, you’re being silly. I am not concerned about who hangs out with who. And I certainly don’t have a problem with Leonard’s new girlfriend who wears way too much makeup. Ooh, these are cute. Of course if I buy them, I’ll have to rent my womb out to a gay couple.
Bernadette: It doesn’t matter. I’m going to tell her we can’t make it.
Amy: Oh, no. You have to go.
Bernadette: I don’t understand. I thought I was a teeny-tiny wildebeest.
Amy: You are, with hair that smells like strawberries. And we’re going to use that to our advantage.
Penny: Wait. What are you talking about?
Amy: By accepting the invitation, Bernadette becomes a double agent inside the enemy camp. She could ferret out Priya’s tactics, identify her weaknesses and feed her false information, such as, Leonard’s no stranger to back-alley cockfights.
Bernadette: I don’t know. I’m not a very good liar. They kind of whup that out of you in Catholic school.
Amy: Don’t worry. I’ll teach you. I did two years of Cub Scouts before they found out I was a girl.
Penny: Okay, I don’t know you people. I’m just an innocent woman wondering if this shoe store will take my Texaco card.
Amy: How do you feel about concealing a recording device in the cleavage of your ample bosom?
Bernadette: I don’t want anything in my ample bosom.
Amy: Come on, Strawberries. Take one for the team.
Leonard: Okay, see you later.
Sheldon: Good news. I finally have a handle on my idea for three-person chess.
Leonard: That is good news. Bye.
Sheldon: Uh, do you know how I solved the balanced centre combat-area problem? Five words, transitional quadrilateral to triangular tessellation.
Leonard: That, that’s brilliant.
Sheldon: It’s what I do. But wait, there’s more. I also invented two new chess pieces. The serpent, and the old woman.
Leonard: Okay, now I have to ask. What do they do?
Sheldon: When the serpent slithers to an opposing player’s piece, that piece is considered poisoned and will die after two more moves. Ugh.
Leonard: All right.
Sheldon: Unless, it gets to the old woman in time, in which case she sucks out the poison, turning her into the Grand Empress, a piece combining the power of the knight, queen and serpent.
Sheldon: That’s because it’s simple.
Leonard: Okay, well, I look forward to playing with you.
Leonard: And what?
Sheldon: And a third person. It’s three-person chess. I must say, ever since you started having regular intercourse, your mind has lost its keen edge. You should reflect on that.
Leonard: Excuse me, but Einstein had a pretty busy sex life.
Sheldon: Yes, and he never unified gravity with the other forces. If he hadn’t been such a hound dog, we’d all have time machines.
Leonard: Got it. Bye.
Sheldon: You know I’m right.
Leonard (outside apartment): I think he’s getting worse.
Amy: Oh, my metatarsal are barking.
Leonard: You okay?
Amy: Yeah, yeah. I’m just breaking in some new shoes.
Leonard: Very pretty.
Amy: Thank you. Did you know that women wear high heels to make the buttocks and breasts more prominent?
Leonard: Hadn’t really thought about it.
Leonard: Uh, sure. Very… prominent.
Amy: Please, Leonard, don’t leer, you have a girlfriend.
Amy: So, are you off to dinner with Priya, Howard and Bernadette?
Leonard: Yeah. How did you know?
Amy: I heard it at the mall, when I was shopping with my girlfriends, ’cause, you know, that’s kind of my life now. Have a good night. Try not to ogle my caboose as I walk away.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Priya: Hey, you.
Leonard: Hi. Hey, Raj, will you be joining us for dinner?
Raj: The lonely guy and the two happy couples? I’d rather get a prostate exam from a leper who walks away with nine fingers.
Priya: Oh, would you please stop feeling sorry for yourself?
Raj: I have to feel sorry for myself. I’m the only one who cares. Just like I’m the only one who’ll have sex with me.
Leonard: Really? In front of your sister?
Priya: We shared a room growing up. This is not news to me.
Raj: Excuse me. I’m going to go wander the streets alone. Invisible, unwanted and unloved, a pathetic shadow in a city with no heart. (Leaves, then returns a moment later) I forgot my windbreaker. It’s chilly.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Amy: I don’t understand. Is this a way to break in new shoes?
Penny: No. Once these puppies touch the ground they’re mine, and I’ll have to wear them walking up and down Hollywood Boulevard in order to pay them off. Pretty, pretty, pretty.
Amy: Good news: the wildebeest is in the curry.
Penny: The what?
Amy: Bernadette is with Priya and Leonard. Message received. Commence operation “Priya Wouldn’t Wanna Be-ya.”
Penny: Hey. Seriously? Didn’t you get enough of this cliquey crap in high school?
Amy: I wish. A clique requires friends. I didn’t have any.
Amy: I used to take my lunch down to the maintenance room and eat with the janitor. It was nice until his wife called me a puta and made me stop. Hang on. It’s the wildebeest. Priya just made a snide comment about your acting career.
Penny: Wh… What the hell did she say?
Amy: She thinks it’s cool you’re following your dream, no matter what.
Penny: That bitch!
Amy: How do you want to handle it?
Penny: Um, okay. Tell Bernadette to tell Priya that I’m on my way to Prague to shoot a movie with Angelina Jolie.
Amy: Got it. Is it going to be in 3-D?
Penny: What? I don’t know. It doesn’t matter.
Amy: I’m gonna say 3-D. That’ll let her know the studio has faith in it.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Leonard: You’re kidding. 3-D?
Bernadette: That’s what I hear.
Howard: Then the studio must have real faith in it.
Leonard: Wonder why she didn’t tell me.
Priya: Have you been spending time with your ex-girlfriend?
Priya: Then why are you surprised she didn’t tell you?
Leonard: Well, it’s not as much surprised as, uh, uh, you know, uh. th-th-th-the other thing.
Priya: What other thing?
Leonard: Well, you know, if you, if, if, if you, uh, I don’t, oh, what’s the word I’m looking for?
Howard: I’m not going to help you. This is hilarious.
Bernadette: She’s also dating an astronaut.
Priya: Wow. That’s very impressive.
Bernadette: Yeah. But Leonard’s impressive, too.
Leonard: Thank you. Befuddled. The word I was looking for was befuddled.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is playing three person chess by himself.
Sheldon: Knight to old woman six-and-a-third. Brilliant move. Thank you. (Knock on door) Will the two of you excuse me?
Raj: I need a hug.
Sheldon: Sorry, I have company.
Raj: Come on, Sheldon, open the door.
Sheldon: I don’t want to hug you.
Raj: I don’t want to hug you, either. I was just feeling blue.
Sheldon: Blue, as in depressed.
Raj: Well, not so much depressed as lonely.
Sheldon: I don’t know what colour lonely is.
Sheldon: Red is angry, yellow is frightened, green is jealous and blue is depressed. Perhaps we can assign a colour to lonely.
Raj: Nothing rhymes with orange. It’s probably lonely.
Sheldon: All right. Come in. You look positively orange with loneliness. No, I don’t see that catching on at all.
Raj: What are you doing?
Sheldon: I’m working on my three-person chess game.
Raj: Oh, cool. Can I play?
Sheldon: It’s three-person chess. Did you bring a friend?
Sheldon: Then as a mental exercise I invite you to figure out why the two of us can’t play three-person chess. Can you believe this guy? Social protocol does, however, require me to bring you a hot beverage in your time of need.
Raj: No, thank you. I’m fine.
Sheldon: It’s not optional. We’re out of tea. I hope you like bouillon.
Raj: I, uh, I guess you’re probably wondering what’s got me down.
Sheldon: Actually, I was wondering if I could add a third new chess piece. How do you think people would feel about Prince Joey, the king’s feeble-minded but well-meaning cousin?
Raj: I’m going to be 30 years old, and I have no one in my life to love me. I’m such a basket case, I can’t even talk to a woman without having alcohol in my body.
Sheldon: The fun thing about Prince Joey is every time he moves, there’s a one-in-five chance he’ll kill himself.
Raj: Sheldon, listen to me. I have a big decision to make, and I’m scared.
Sheldon: Yellow. Go ahead.
Raj: A friend at the School of Pharmacology gave me these new pills they’re testing. He says it’s the next big thing for social anxiety disorder.
Sheldon: Fascinating. What’s in it?
Raj: I’m not sure. Some sort of beta-blocker attached to a molecule extracted from the urine of cows.
Sheldon: I like cows.
Raj: That’s not the point.
Sheldon: It was its own point. Go on.
Raj: I’m a scientist. My ability to think is my bread and butter. I’m afraid if I take this, I might lose that special, unique something that makes me so successful in my field.
Sheldon: Rajesh, I’ve had the privilege of working alongside you for many years. My recommendation is that you gobble these up like Tic Tacs.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Howard: Okay, I’m still trying to work this out. How did Penny meet an astronaut?
Bernadette: I don’t know. The regular way people meet astronauts.
Howard: Most of those guys live in Texas.
Bernadette: Obviously, this one doesn’t.
Bernadette: Leonard lives here. Priya’s from India. People meet, Howard. God!
Bernadette: You’ve met lots of astronauts, and I’ve never grilled you about that. I’d thank you to extend me the same courtesy.
Howard: I’m not grilling you, I was just curious.
Leonard: I still can’t get over the fact that she got a big movie part. Not that I care what my ex-girlfriend’s up to, ’cause I don’t.
Bernadette: Maybe that’s where she met the astronaut, all right?
Priya: I’m sorry. What would an astronaut be doing working on a movie?
Bernadette: He’s a consultant.
Leonard: I thought the movie was about 18th-century Vienna?
Bernadette: He can’t have a hobby? Excuse me, I have to pee. Or is that implausible, as well?
Howard: It’s nice to have another couple to hang with, isn’t it?
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny (to the shoes): All right, guys, you have to go back. I can’t afford you. “No, don’t send
us away, we love you.” I love you, too, but you cost more than my rent. “But, Penny, you look so good in us.” Damn it, the shoes are right.
Amy: Good golly, Penny, your whimsy is boundless. (Phone rings) What do you got for me, wildebeest?
Bernadette (in Raj’s bathroom): I think they’re on to me. The story’s starting to fall apart.
Amy: Calm down. Everything’s going to be okay. (To Penny) We may have to kill her. Bernadette, I’m putting you on speakerphone. Where are you now?
Bernadette: In the bathroom.
Amy: Oh, look at this, another one of our classic bathroom gabfests. What’s the problem?
Bernadette: They’re just asking me all sorts of questions I can’t answer.
Amy: Just change the subject.
Bernadette: I suppose I could get them back to talking about Leonard going to India to meet Priya’s parents.
Bernadette: They said something about going there this summer.
Penny: What, are they getting engaged?
Bernadette: I don’t know. I was too busy covering my heinie on Amy’s stupid astronaut story!
Amy: What astronaut story?
Bernadette: You texted me Penny’s dating an astronaut.
Amy: I texted architect. That’s amusing. Auto-correct must’ve changed it.
Bernadette: Yeah, it’s hysterical.
Penny: All right, look, just forget about the astronaut.
Amy: Architect. Where would you have met an astronaut?
Penny: Look, just find out what’s up with this trip to India.
Bernadette: I don’t want to do this anymore!
Penny: Don’t you quit on us!
Howard (knocking on bathroom door): Bernie, you okay?
Bernadette (screaming): It was an architect!
Scene: A coffee shop.
Raj: Thank you for coming with me, Sheldon. You’re a good friend.
Sheldon: I’m glad you think so. That’s what I strive to emulate.
Raj: Okay, let’s see if this drug works.
Woman at table: Can I help you?
Raj: Forgive me for staring, but you’re very beautiful.
Woman: Thank you. That’s a great accent. Where are you from?
Woman: Oh, cool. I’ve always wanted to go there.
Raj: It’s a beautiful country. You’d love it. May I join you?
Woman: Uh, okay, sure. Why not?
Raj: My name is Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali, and this is my friend Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
Sheldon: Oh, there’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.
Woman: What’s he observing?
Raj: We’re scientists. We observe everything. Here, go buy yourself a scone.
Sheldon: All right.
Raj: And what is your name?
Raj: Oh, derived from the word angel. Appropriate.
Angela: You’re cute.
Sheldon: I’d like to buy a scone.
Server: Oh, I’m sorry, we’re out. We have muffins.
Sheldon: They sound delicious, but this money is earmarked for scones.
Angela: What are you doing?
Raj (taking his shirt off): Oh, just getting comfortable. So how long have you lived in Los Angeles?
Sheldon: They were out of scones.
Raj (removing his trousers): Sheldon, I’m talking to someone. You’re being rude. I’ll bet you’re an actress. If not, you should be. You have a very expressive face.
Angela: Oh, my God.
Raj: Wait, where are you going? We were doing so well. She never even got to see my penis. Ta-da!
Scene: Raj’s apartment. They are playing Jenga,
Priya: Who wants some more coffee?
Leonard: Thanks, yeah.
Bernadette: Let me help you.
Howard: Nice to see that the gals are getting along.
Leonard: Gals? Who are you, Fred Flintstone?
Bernadette: This trip to India sounds fun.
Priya: Yeah, I think it will be.
Bernadette: Are you concerned your parents might not approve of Leonard?
Priya: A little. They’re very old-fashioned.
Bernadette: Well, I wouldn’t worry about it. It’s not like you guys are getting engaged, right?
Priya: Oh, God, no. We’re not there yet.
Bernadette: Not engaged. Very interesting. I have to tinkle.
Priya: You’ve been in there a lot tonight. Are you okay?
Bernadette: Yes. Are you writing a book?
Priya: Why are you getting upset?
Bernadette: I’m not upset. Maybe you’re upset.
Priya: What’s up with you? Bernadette?
Bernadette: I can’t do this anymore! I’m a good girl! I went to Catholic school! (Storms out,)
Howard: Okay, well, it’s getting late. This was terrific. You win. Bernie?
Leonard: I think the word you’re looking for is befuddled.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon, Leonard and Howard are playing three person chess.
Sheldon: My catapult flings my bishop to Howard’s Queen’s Gorilla two.
Howard: Nice. Okay, rook to transporter pad. And he comes out at Leonard’s Queen’s Bishop
five-and-a-third. Check on Leonard.
Leonard: Hang on. When is my pawn allowed to use the golf cart?
Sheldon: When it’s done charging. Or you land on the time machine. Obviously.
Leonard: Oh, oh, Beekeeper to King 12. I capture your Pope and release the swarm. Checkmate on Sheldon.
Sheldon: I knew I should have given my Pope the jet pack.
Raj (still naked): Hey, I’ve got winners.