Series 5 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction
Scene: The comic book store.
Leonard: It’s from Game of Thrones. What do you think?
Sheldon: I don’t know. If we’re going to start a fantasy sword collection, and I’ve long thought we should, is this really the sword to start with?
Leonard: What did you have in mind?
Sheldon: Well, off the top of my head, I’d have to go with Excalibur. It gives you the right to rule England.
Leonard: It would be a replica of a movie prop.
Sheldon: Fair enough. It’d give you the right to rule a replica of England.
Leonard: Well, they don’t have an Excalibur here, so what do you want to do?
Sheldon: Mm. Tough decision. There’s no weaponry from Lord of the Rings, forged in a Chinese sweatshop?
Leonard: Just Bilbo Baggins’ sword over there.
Sheldon: Two grown men with a hobbit’s dagger; wouldn’t we look silly? Okay, let’s go for it.
Stuart: Oh, I see you guys have found my little treasure.
Leonard: Yeah. It’s okay, I guess.
Sheldon: Okay? It’s magnificent.
Leonard: Buh-buh-buh-buh! What do you want for it?
Stuart: Oh, it’s hard to put a price on something that’s a copy of something that was on pay cable. But for my friends, let’s say 250?
Leonard: Oh, that’s pretty steep.
Stuart: Well, it’s a limited edition. They only made 8,000 of these bad boys.
Sheldon: Only 8,000? We’re wasting precious time. Buy it.
Leonard: Hang on. Can you do any better?
Stuart: Are you kidding? I’m already giving you the friends and family discount.
Sheldon: Oh, did you hear that? We’re getting the friends and family discount. We are honoured and we will take it.
Leonard: Slow down. Two hundred.
Sheldon: What are you doing? Two fifty is already the discounted price.
Leonard: Will you shut up?
Stuart: Tell you what, I’ll go two thirty-five.
Leonard: Nope. Maybe another time.
Stuart: Okay, two twenty five, my final offer.
Sheldon: Take it, take it.
Leonard: Two hundred.
Stuart: Man, you’re killing me!
Sheldon: Killing you? I can’t breathe.
Stuart: Two ten, and I’m losing money.
Sheldon: Oh, now, we can’t let him lose money, Leonard. I’m so sorry.
Leonard: Two ten and you throw in the Iron Man helmet.
Stuart: Are you crazy? That helmet’s signed by Robert Downey Jr.
Stuart: Okay, if you’re going to question the importance of an actor’s signature on a plastic helmet from a movie based on a comic book, then all of our lives have no meaning!
Leonard: Okay, fine. Just the sword, two ten.
Stuart: Thank you. I can eat meat this week.
Leonard: See that? I just saved us forty bucks.
Sheldon: I’ve long said, what you lack in academic knowledge you make up for in street smarts.
Stuart: You want me to wrap it?
Leonard: No, it’s okay. I’m gonna stab my friend in the chest.
Wil Wheaton (entering): Hey, Stuart.
Stuart: Ah, hey, Wil.
Sheldon: Hello, Wil Wheaton.
Wil: Hi, Sheldon. Nice sword.
Sheldon: It’s part of my sword collection. Do you have a sword collection?
Sheldon: I’m not surprised.
Stuart: Here’s the Batman 612 with the Jim Lee alternate cover that you wanted.
Wil: Awesome. What do I owe you?
Stuart: Forty bucks.
Wil: Good deal.
Sheldon: Sucker. Didn’t even ask for the friends and family discount.
Wil: Hey, I’m having a party at my house on Friday, and I was hoping you would stop by.
Stuart: Will there be girls there?
Wil: Yeah, of course.
Stuart: ‘Cause there wasn’t last time.
Wil: There will be girls. You guys are invited if you want to come by.
Leonard: Thank you.
Wil: All right, great. Later.
Sheldon: I see what you’re doing. You accept an invitation to a party at the home of my sworn enemy, he tells everyone we’re going to be there, and when we don’t show, he looks the fool. Fiendishly clever.
Leonard: I was actually thinking about going.
Sheldon: And then declaring the party a fiasco and storming out, leaving him humiliated in front of his guests. Love it.
Leonard: No, I was gonna grab Raj and Howard and have a good time.
Stuart: Oh, great, more guys. It’s gonna be another Wil Wheaton sausage-fest.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Sheldon, can you grab me a water?
Leonard: Can you or can’t you?
Sheldon: It’s not that simple, Leonard.
Leonard: It never is, is it?
Sheldon: At this moment, our relationship exists in two mutually contradictory states. Until you either do not go or go to Wil Wheaton’s party, you are simultaneously my friend and not my friend. I’m characterizing this phenomenon as Schrodinger’s Friendship.
Leonard: Got it. Can I have my water?
Sheldon: Of course. Now get it yourself, you traitor.
Penny: Wait, what is going on?
Sheldon: In case you have forgotten, Schrodinger’s cat is a thought experiment…
Penny: No, no, no, no, I didn’t forget. Um, there’s this cat in a box and until you open it, it’s either dead or alive or both. Although, back in Nebraska, our cat got stuck in my brother’s camp trunk, and we did not need to open it to know there was all kinds of dead cat in there.
Amy: Homespun stories, knowledge of physics and a bosom that defies it. You’re the whole package, aren’t you?
Howard (arriving): Sorry I’m late. Uh, I got great news. NASA picked my team’s design for the deep field space telescope that’s going on the International Space Station this spring.
Bernadette: Howie, that’s wonderful! Congratulations!
Howard: It gets better. Someone has to go up with the telescope as a payload specialist, and guess who that someone is.
Sheldon: Mohammed Lee.
Howard: Who’s Mohammed Lee?
Sheldon: Mohammed is the most common first name in the world, Lee, the most common surname. As I didn’t know the answer, I thought that gave me a mathematical edge.
Howard: It’s me, Sheldon. It’s me. I’m going up in space! Technically, I’m an astronaut.
All: Wow, that’s amazing!
Bernadette: Hang on a second. NASA doesn’t have a shuttle any more. How are you going to get up there?
Howard: Oh, well, it’s really cool. You fly to Moscow, they take you out to Kazakhstan, and then you get into a Russian Soyuz rocket which shoots you into a low earth orbit. Or just sits there on the launch pad because the Kazakhi mafia sold the rocket fuel on the black market.
Bernadette: Are those Russian rockets safe?
Howard: Well, I mean, safe as it can be when it was built by the good folks who brought you Chernobyl.
Leonard: I’d like to propose a toast. The dream to go up into space is one we all share, and Howard’s making that a reality. We’re all very proud of you.
Sheldon: That was a lovely toast. Kudos.
Leonard: Thank you.
Sheldon: Simultaneously, a festival of cloying clichés. You sicken me.
Scene: Bernadette’s car.
Howard: You’re really quiet. Is everything okay?
Bernadette: Fine. Just a little tired.
Howard: I hope not too tired, because I’m feeling particularly masculine right now. All systems go, if you catch my drift.
Bernadette: I always catch your drift.
Howard: All right, well, something’s obviously bugging you. What is it?
Bernadette: I just can’t believe you signed up for the space program without even talking to me.
Howard: Oh, I get it. You’re worried about me. That is so sweet. You know, there’s a saying we have at NASA. What makes the right stuff so right is that it always comes home.
Bernadette: Just stop talking, Howard.
Howard: This isn’t the reaction I expected when I told you I was gonna be an astronaut.
Bernadette: What did you think was going to happen?
Howard: Honestly? Sex.
Howard: Do you realize what a big deal this is? What an honour it is to be chosen to go into space?
Bernadette: Yeah, I get it. I just wish you included me in the decision. We’re supposed to be partners. We’re supposed to be a team.
Howard: I’m sorry. You’re right. Okay, let’s try this again. Bernadette, an opportunity has come up that impacts both of us, and I’d like to discuss it.
Howard: I’ve been offered a chance to go up to the International Space Station for three weeks. What are your thoughts on that?
Bernadette: Well, first of all, thank you for including me in the decision-making process.
Howard: Hey, we’re a team. So, what do you think?
Howard: Well why not?
Bernadette: Howard, my father was a police officer. We never knew from one night to the next if he was going to come home alive. It was horrible. And I don’t want to live that way with you.
Howard: Hey, my father abandoned me and my mother when I was 11. We never saw him again.
Bernadette: Oh, boo-hoo, you’re not going to space!
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Pretty cool about Howard, huh?
Sheldon: Don’t talk to me as if nothing’s happened between us. And yes, it sure is, buddy.
Leonard: For God’s sake, will you stop with the Schrodinger stuff.
Sheldon: Would you prefer a simpler application of Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle, in which I could either know where you are or whether I like you, but not both?
Leonard: You never stop talking, do you?
Amy: I don’t understand. What differences does it make if Leonard goes to Wil Wheaton’s party?
Penny: Wil Wheaton is Sheldon’s mortal enemy.
Amy: Mortal enemy?
Amy: Sheldon, I know you’re a bit of a left-handed monkey wrench, but, you really have a mortal enemy?
Sheldon: In fact, I have 61 of them. Would you like to see the list?
Penny: Oh, say no, say no, say no, say no.
Sheldon: You just got off the list. Would you like back on it? This’ll just take a moment. It’s on a five and a quarter inch floppy.
Amy: A floppy disk?
Sheldon: Well, I started the list when I was nine.
Amy: How did Wil Wheaton get on the list?
All: Oh! Oh, God!
Sheldon: As a child, I loved Wesley Crusher, Wil Wheaton’s character on Star Trek. So, I drove for hours by bus to a Star Trek convention at which Wil Wheaton was scheduled to appear, so that I could get my Wesley Crusher action figure signed. But he never showed, because apparently, it was cooler for him to be the lower-left corner on Hollywood Squares. Oh, damn! The floppy failed. Well, whoever was in charge of quality control at the Verbatim Corporation in 1989, congratulations, you just made the list.
Scene: Howard’s bedroom.
Howard: Change your mind about sex? I’m still mad, but I’ll do it.
Bernadette: No, I’ve just been thinking. It doesn’t matter if I’m afraid for your safety. I don’t want to be the person who stands between you and your dreams.
Bernadette: Really. If going into space means that much to you, I will never say another word about it.
Howard: Thank you.
Bernadette: I love you.
Howard: I love you, too. So, sex now?
Bernadette: Okay. I just forgot to brush my teeth. I’ll be right back. (Exits)
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Over my dead body my son goes into outer space!
Bernadette: I’m ready.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Leonard: Wait, let me see if I got this right. You actually asked Bernadette to leave your house in the middle of the night?
Howard: What choice did I have? She went behind my back and turned my own mother against me.
Raj: Wow. You’re not only our first astronaut. You’re also the first one of us to kick a girl out of bed. You’re like a rock star.
Howard: Little bit.
Leonard: I hate to say it, but she did kind of betray you.
Sheldon: Interesting. You see betrayal in others, but not yourself.
Leonard: Going to Wheaton’s party is not betraying you.
Sheldon: Oh, of course you would have to believe that. Evil always thinks it’s doing right. Excuse me, Stormtrooper. These are the droids you’re looking for.
Leonard: I’m going to a party. I’m not turning R2-D2 and C-3PO over to the empire!
Sheldon: Not yet.
Raj: So, what’s gonna happen next? Are you and Bernadette going to break up?
Howard: I don’t know. If we’re going to get back together, she’s going to have to apologize and accept that I’m a grown man who can make his own decisions.
Raj: Then she’s going to have to convince your mother to let you go into space.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Bernadette: I had no choice. I had to tell his mother. He can’t go to space. He’s like a baby bird. Do you know he once got an asthma attack from reading an old library book?
Amy: You’re kidding.
Penny: No, I was there that day. Sheldon threw his back out handing him that book.
Bernadette: I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t want to break up over this.
Penny: Okay, why don’t you just tell him you made a mistake?
Bernadette: Do you guys think it was a mistake? Am I the bad guy in this?
Amy: It’s not for us to judge. We’re just here to provide comfort and support while you come to grips with what a despicable thing you’ve done.
Bernadette: Oh, God, you’re right. I took our love and threw it under his bus-sized mother. I need to apologize.
Penny: Well, that, that’s good. I’m glad you came to that. But before you do, let me just ask you a big picture question.
Penny: Are you a hundred percent positive you love and want to marry Howard Wolowitz?
Bernadette: I do, with all my heart.
Penny: Got it. Just had to check.
Amy: He’s great.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: All right, Sheldon, we’re going to Wil’s. This is your last chance.
Sheldon: No, Leonard, this is your last chance. One day, a historian is going to come to you and say, is it true you were friends with Dr. Sheldon Cooper? And you’re going to have to choke back a hot sob of regret and humiliation as you mumble, I was, but I chose to go to a party thrown by the one kid from Stand By Me that no one remembers.
Leonard: You want to drive?
Leonard: Hey, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Oh, good. You picked me, you picked me.
Leonard: No, I just got a text from Stuart. Brent Spiner is at the party.
Sheldon: Brent Spiner?
Sheldon: I don’t care.
Leonard: Really? Brent Spiner, Mr. Data himself. You love him.
Sheldon: I did, but I think I’ve kind of outgrown Star Trek. You know, stock characters, ludicrous plots, beam me up. What a load of hooey.
Leonard: I’m going. Live long and prosper, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Yeah, even that. You look like a dork.
Scene: Howard’s bedroom.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard, Bernadette’s here!
Howard: Tell her I’m not home!
Mrs Wolowitz (off): What kind of a schmuck play is that? She can hear you shouting!
Bernadette: Can we talk?
Howard: You can. I have nothing to say.
Bernadette: All right. I just wanted to tell you I’m sorry I said something to your mother.
Howard: I was gonna tell her eventually, but you went behind my back.
Bernadette: I know. I’m sorry. I got scared.
Howard: If you’re gonna love me, you’re gonna have to love the whole package, the tenderhearted poet and the crazy daredevil.
Bernadette: I know.
Howard: Well, don’t say it if you’re not gonna mean it, ’cause I’m not just gonna stop with the space station. Yeah, I want to go to the Moon, I want to go to Mars. I want to take a one-man sub to the lowest depths of the ocean.
Bernadette: Really? You got seasick on Pirates of the Caribbean.
Howard: Well, those big kids were rocking it.
Bernadette: I just did what I did because I love you so much, and the thought of losing you is more than I can handle.
Bernadette: You’re my soul mate. This is where you kiss me.
Howard: Right, right.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Make up all you want! Your tuchus is not leaving this planet!
Scene: Wil Wheaton’s party.
Raj: Hey, you know that beautiful actress who plays the Borg Queen in First Contact?
Raj: Well, I just met her gynaecologist!
Leonard: What are you doing here?
Sheldon: Fighting for our friendship. As peculiar and annoying as you can be, you’re still my little buddy. I’m not going to let that end here tonight. Now put down that drink, let’s meet Brent Spiner and go home.
Wil: Hey, Sheldon, I’m so glad you made it. I found something I think you might like.
Sheldon: What I’d like is for him to have a more depressing home. This is quite lovely.
Wil: This is for you.
Sheldon: An original mint-in-package Wesley Crusher action figure.
Wil: I remembered your story about the time you went to a convention when you were a kid to get one signed, and I didn’t show up.
Wil: Look at what I wrote.
Sheldon: To Sheldon, sorry this took so long. Your friend, Wil Wheaton.
Wil: It’s my last one. I want you to have it.
Sheldon: Look, everyone. Wil Wheaton is my friend!
Brent Spiner: Oh, wow. I haven’t seen one of these in years. (Rips open action figure packaging) Remember how we used to make these things look like they were masturbating?
Sheldon: Brent Spiner, what have you done? That was an original mint-in-package Wesley Crusher action figure signed by my close personal friend, Wil Wheaton.
Brent: Sorry, Slim. I’ve got some Mr. Data dolls in the trunk of my car. You want me to sign one for you?
Sheldon: You’ve already signed something, Brent Spiner. Your name on my list. From this moment on, you are my mortal enemy.
Wil: Don’t worry. It doesn’t take up a whole lot of your time.
Sheldon: Come on, buddy. Let’s not waste another second on this loser. Love your house.
Leonard: Can we get autographed dolls?
Brent: Sure. Twenty bucks.
Leonard: Two for thirty. And you come to my birthday party.