Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition
Scene: The comic book store.
Howard: It’s amazing people keep coming to comic book stores instead of just downloading comics digitally.
Leonard: It’s probably for the best. For a lot of these guys, the weekly trip here is the only chance their mom has to go down to the basement and change their sheets.
Howard: Oh, that reminds me, I get fresh sheets tonight. Yay.
Sheldon: Well? What do you think of New Comic Book Night? Magic, huh?
Amy: Sheldon, I’m disappointed. As a brilliant man, you’re entitled to a vice. I could understand frequenting an opium den or hunting your fellow man for sport. But this? Lame-o.
Sheldon: Well, A, comic books employ storytelling through sequential art, a medium that dates back 17,000 years to the cave paintings of Lascaux, and B, you play the harp. Like that’s cool.
Stuart: Can I help you find anything?
Amy: A comic that depicts a woman whose bosom can’t be used as a floatation device.
Stuart: Sorry. Most of the guys who come in here like big boobs. Couple of them have big boobs.
Raj: Hey, look, the new Warlords of Ka’a expansion pack is out.
Howard: A new one? Unbelievable. They just keep making up more cheesy monsters, slapping them on cards and selling them at 25 bucks a pop. It’s like a secret tax on guys who can’t get laid.
Raj: They’re not even trying. Remember the Satanimals pack with the Hellephant? Why, absurd. What was he, a bad elephant who died and went to hell? What could an elephant possibly do that would cause him eternal damnation?
Howard: Wild West and Witches? What kind of loser cares about a showdown between Billy the Kid and the White Wizard of the North?
Raj: A total loser. Obviously a guy with a six-shooter beats an old man with a magic wand.
Leonard: Well, ho-hold on. What if the wizard casts a Helmet of Confusion spell on Billy the Kid’s cowboy hat?
Howard: What? Please! This is Billy the Kid we’re talking about. I mean, the wizard would get shot between the eyes before he could ever get out the words, what the hell is Billy the Kid doing in the mystic realm of Ka’a?
Stuart: Leonard, what’s the deal with Sheldon’s friend Amy? Are they a couple?
Leonard: Couple of weirdos. Why?
Howard: You interested in Amy?
Stuart: Well, I mean, she didn’t look through me with soul-sucking, ball-shriveling hatred and contempt. I like that in a woman. Could you run it by Sheldon if I could ask her out?
Leonard: Sure. I guess.
Raj: Stuart, settle an argument for us. Who would win, Billy the Kid or the White Wizard?
Stuart: If I tell you that, I’m robbing you of the hours of fun you could have for the magical, rootin’ tootin’ low price of $24.95.
Raj: I’ll take one.
Howard: Mmm, make it two.
Leonard: I hate all of you and myself. Three.
Stuart: I’ll ring it up. Like shooting nerds in a barrel.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Hey, can I talk to you about something? It’s a little awkward.
Sheldon: I know what this is about. Given the professional standstill you’re at, you’re wondering if this is the appropriate time to abandon your research and focus on teaching. Yes. And if I may suggest, consider changing disciplines. Yeah, to the humanities, perhaps history. One of the advantages of teaching history is that you don’t have to create things, you know, you just have to remember stuff that happened and then parrot it back. You could have fun with that.
Leonard: Yeah, that’s not it. Stuart’s kind of interested in Amy.
Sheldon: Oh, of course he is. She’s very interesting. Did you know, when she was 14, she severed the webbing between her own toes?
Leonard: No. He wanted me to find out if you’d have a problem with him asking her out.
Sheldon: I’m not sure how to respond, Leonard. I don’t own Amy. Can’t own a person. At least not since? 1863. President Lincoln freed the? Slaves! Come on Leonard, if you’re going to teach history, these are the kind of facts you’ll have to know.
Leonard: You know what? Never mind. I’m going to tell him it’s okay to ask her out.
Sheldon: The question is moot. There is no way that Stuart, an impoverished peddler of picture books, would be at all appealing to Amy Farrah Fowler, a noted neurobiologist capable of performing surgery on her own feet with nothing but nitrous oxide from cans of whipped cream as anesthesia.
Leonard: All right, but just for the record, I checked in with you to see how you’d feel about it.
Sheldon: Fine. The record shall so reflect. Now, getting back to the problem at hand, what to do with a washed-up experimental physicist.
Leonard: I am not washed-up.
Sheldon: Oh, Leonard. Lots of people love you and want to help you, but they can’t until you admit the problem.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Well, ladies, we killed the bottle.
Amy: I had half a glass.
Bernadette: I didn’t have any.
Penny: Okay, don’t judge me. So, what do you want to do, go to the movies, go dancing, lay down for a little bit?
Amy: Or we play Travel Twister.
Bernadette: Amy, really? Twister?
Amy: Excuse me. I’ve passed many an enjoyable evening playing this game. And I’m sure it’s a lot more exciting when you play with other people. What do you say, bestie? We can do shirts and skins. I’m shirts. Called it.
Bernadette: I’m too small for Twister. And roller coasters. And sitting with my feet on the floor. Hope you enjoyed the prenatal cigarettes, Mom.
Penny: Hey, you know, my mom smoked pot when she was pregnant with me, and I turned out just fine. Hey, look, I have peach schnapps. Thank God.
Amy (reading a text on her phone): Guys, something happened.
Penny: What’s wrong?
Amy: I think a boy likes me.
Bernadette (reading): Hi. It’s Stuart. We met at the comic book store. I was wondering if you’d like to get coffee sometime. It’s okay if you say no. It might be the kick in the pants I need to start taking Zoloft.
Penny: Amy, little vixen. Just working it under all those layers of wool and polyester.
Bernadette: What are you going to do? Doesn’t he know you have a boyfriend?
Penny: Oh, she doesn’t have a boyfriend, she has a Sheldon. So do you like Stuart?
Amy: I don’t know. He’s nice. He’s funny. He has the sallow, drawn countenance associated with an overactive thyroid gland. That’s kind of hot.
Penny: Okay, look, sweetie, we all love Sheldon, but you’ve been with him over a year now. If it’s not going anywhere, what does it hurt to look around?
Bernadette: Well, yeah, I guess they’re not engaged like me and Howie.
Penny: Yeah, for what it’s worth, engaged people can look around, too. Lot of options out there.
Scene: The comic book store.
Sheldon: Where’s Stuart?
Speccy Guy Behind Counter (sniggering): Out.
Sheldon: Who are you?
Speccy Guy: I’m Dale. He left me in charge.
Dale: Yeah. I don’t get it, either.
Leonard: I want to return this Wild West and Witches Ka’a expansion pack.
Dale: Sorry. I don’t do returns. They’re hard.
Leonard: Sure, sure. Uh, when will Stuart be back?
Dale: I don’t know. He went out for coffee. With a girl.
Sheldon: Oh, I guess I was wrong.
Leonard: You okay?
Sheldon: Am I okay? Leonard, I’m on a lifelong trajectory that includes a Nobel Prize and cities named after me, all four wisdom teeth fit comfortably in my mouth without need of extraction, and my bowel movements run like a German train schedule. Am I okay?
Dale: I’m okay, too!
Scene: The apartment. They are playing Warlords of Ka’a.
Raj: Wild Bill Witchcock.
Leonard: A tribe of Abra-Comanches.
Sheldon: Flaming Spittoon. And for the record, I’m very disappointed in you cowpokes. We’re playing our inaugural round of Wild West and Witches, and I’m the only one who bothered to dress for the occasion. (Spits into a spittoon) Patooie.
Howard: We’re not wearing cowboy hats, Sheldon. It looks ridiculous.
Sheldon: And I suppose my boots and spurs are ridiculous, too?
Raj: Incredibly so.
Sheldon: Did it look ridiculous when we got the Satanimals pack and I dressed up as a Beelzebobcat?
Raj: Incredibly so.
Sheldon: All right, fine. Let’s just play.
Leonard: We should go easy on him. Amy’s out with Stuart tonight.
Howard: Wait a minute. Are you telling me that Sheldon’s patented blend of condescension and no sex isn’t enough to hold on to a woman?
Sheldon: Cluck, cluck, cluck. What are we, ladies at a quilting bee? Or are we men playing a fantasy card game set in a magical frontier town?
Howard: Sorry. Creepy Tepee.
Raj: Annie Ogly.
Leonard: Hocus Pocus Pocahontas.
Sheldon: And may I point out it is the three of you who are obsessed with Stuart and Amy, not me. I think you need to ask yourselves who’s really being ridiculous here. (Walks away with spurs jangling)
Leonard: It’s you.
Howard: You are.
Raj: Totally you.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Raj: Hey, guys, check it out. The deluxe limited edition Wild West and Witches expansion pack in the signed and numbered collector’s tin.
Leonard: Oh come on, no! We just bought the regular pack.
Howard: Ooh, a sheriff’s badge.
Raj: Yeah, it’s also a wand.
Leonard: With a hologram? Nice. Hey, do you see this?
Sheldon: I’m in the matrix, Leonard, I see everything.
Leonard: You’ve got to be kidding me. You friended Stuart on Facebook?
Howard: I thought you didn’t like Facebook anymore.
Sheldon: Don’t be silly. I’m a fan of anything that tries to replace actual human contact.
Raj: Please. You’re looking at Facebook to find out how their date went.
Sheldon: Really? You think I care if a man, what, shared a pumpkin latte with a dynamite lady?
Raj: You’re so full of it.
Sheldon: You are free to believe whatever you like. And unfriend Rajesh Koothrappali.
Raj: You unfriended me? Seriously?
Howard: Oh, yeah. Now he’s gonna miss all those great updates like, I can’t believe I waited this long to make my own potpourri.
Leonard: Sheldon, why don’t you just acknowledge that you have feelings for Amy and you don’t want her going out with other men?
Sheldon: And unfriend Leonard Hofstadter.
Howard: Here’s a radical thought. Go old-school, challenge Stuart to a fight. I mean, nothing makes the ladies hotter than two skinny white guys swatting at each other with their eyes closed.
Sheldon: And unfriend Howard Wolowitz.
Leonard: That’s all of us. Can I use the laptop?
Leonard: I have to buy that stupid collector’s tin.
Scene: Penny’s apartment door. Sheldon knocks three times.
Penny (off): Who do we love?
Sheldon: Penny. (Knock, knock, knock)
Penny (off): Who do we love?
Sheldon: Penny. (Knock, knock, knock)
Penny (off): Who do we love?
Penny: Hello, Sheldon. Come on in.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Penny: What’s up?
Sheldon: I came to ask if you would like to go on a date with me.
Penny: I’m sorry, what?
Sheldon: A date. You and me. Dining, dancing, perhaps you’d like to take in a prizefight.
Penny: God, are you trying to make Amy jealous?
Sheldon: No. Why is everyone so obsessed with Amy and Stuart? And whether or not they may be having more pumpkin lattes or intercourse tonight.
Penny: Okay, listen to me. Playing games is not gonna help get Amy back.
Sheldon: I am not trying to get her back. But, out of curiosity, what is a way?
Penny: All right, honey, let me tell you a story. There was a guy I liked, and I never told him how I felt. Eventually, he started going out with someone else, and I always regretted it. Do you see where I’m going with this?
Sheldon: I believe I do.
Sheldon: I’m the guy.
Penny: You’re not the guy.
Sheldon: Are you sure? That would explain so much. Your constant presence in my apartment, that baffling dalliance with Leonard just to be near me, the way you call me sweetie all the time.
Penny: I call everyone sweetie.
Sheldon: You tramp.
Penny: Look, Sheldon, all I’m saying is strap on a pair and go talk to Amy.
Sheldon: Strap on a pair? Of what, skates?
Penny: Oh, sweetie, you are so not the guy.
Scene: A cinema.
Stuart: If you’re bored, you can go. I understand.
Amy: No, I’m having a nice time.
Stuart: Don’t patronize me.
Sheldon: Excuse me. Excuse me. Pardon me. Pardon me. Excuse me. Hi, Stuart.
Stuart: Hi, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Pardon me. Excuse me.
Amy: Sheldon, what are you doing here?
Sheldon: The thought of you sitting in a darkened theatre with a character like Stuart is repellent. No offence, Stuart.
Stuart: None taken. Although repellent is kind of a, kind of a strong word.
Amy: I’m sorry this causes you discomfort, but based on the currently established parameters of our relationship, I can put myself in any repellent situation I want.
Stuart: Um, again…
Sheldon: Stuart, please. You’re being rude.
Amy: Anything else?
Sheldon: I believe I would like to alter the paradigm of our relationship.
Amy: I’m listening.
Sheldon: With the understanding that nothing changes whatsoever, physical or otherwise, I would not object to us no longer characterizing you as not my girlfriend.
Amy: Interesting. Now try it without the quadruple negative.
Sheldon: You’re being impossible.
Amy: Hi, Stuart.
Sheldon: Fine. Amy, will you be my girlfriend?
Sheldon: Well, that’s enough of that. Sorry to interrupt. You two enjoy your date. Here’s a dollar for your troubles. Get yourself some Sour Patch Kids.
Scene: Outside Amy’s apartment.
Stuart: So, other than you taking your relationship to the next level with another guy, this was nice.
Amy: Yes, well, thanks for seeing me to my door.
Stuart: Oh, you’re welcome.
Sheldon (inside): (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. Let’s wrap things up out there.
Amy: Um, good night, Stuart.
Stuart: Good night.
Sheldon (inside): Take the hint, Stuart. The lady said good night.
Amy: How did you get into my apartment?
Sheldon: Wow. Is that the kind of nagging I can expect now that you’re my girlfriend? Good thing I drew this up.
Amy: What’s that?
Sheldon: I present to you the relationship agreement. A binding covenant that, in its 31 pages, enumerates, iterates and codifies the rights and responsibilities of Sheldon Lee Cooper, here and after known as the boyfriend, and Amy Farrah Fowler, here and after known as the girlfriend.
Amy: It’s so romantic.
Sheldon: Mutual indemnification always is. Why don’t you start perusing while I set up my notary stamp.
Amy: Section 5: Hand-holding. Hand-holding is only allowed under the following circumstances. A: Either party is in danger of falling off a cliff, precipice or ledge. B: Either party is deserving of a hearty handshake after winning a Nobel Prize. C: Moral support during flu shots. Seems a bit restrictive.
Sheldon: Feel free to retain a lawyer.
Scene: Penny’s apartment. The girls are playing twister.
Amy: Penny, I said right hand red.
Penny (picking up wine): Yeah, I heard you. I got red.
Amy: Bernadette, left foot yellow.
Bernadette: We should play limbo next. No one beats me at limbo.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette.
Amy: That’s my boyfriend. It’s open!
Sheldon: I got a splinter.
Amy: What do you want me to do about it?
Sheldon: Relationship agreement Section 4, Boo-boos and Ouchies. You have to take care of it.
Amy: I should’ve gotten a lawyer.
Bernadette: Looks like it’s just us playing. (Penny snores) Penny? (Penny snores louder) Penny, we’re out of wine!
Penny (waking, bleary): You should probably drive.