Series 5 Episode 22 – The Stag Convergence
Scene: The cafeteria. Sheldon laughs to himself.
Sheldon: I wish you could all be inside my head. The conversation is sparkling. (Pause) Fine, I’ll tell you. A lichen is an organism made up of two separate species, fungi and algae. If you could merge with another species, what species would you pick and why? Hint, there is a right answer. None of you will get it.
Raj: Okay, uh, I’d pick swan because, uh, the resulting hybrid would have the advanced industrial civilization of a human and the long graceful neck I’ve always dreamed of having.
Sheldon: Wrong. Leonard?
Leonard: Horse, but mostly just for the height. A little bit for the genital girth.
Sheldon: Wrong, and let’s keep it clean, shall we?
Howard: Kangaroo, uh, I’d be a Kanga-Jew. The first of my people to dunk a basketball.
Leonard: Also instead of just living in your mother’s house, you could actually live inside her body.
Sheldon: Clever, but also wrong. No, the best organism for human beings to merge with is the lichen itself. That way, you’d be human, fungus, and algae. Triple threat. Like three-bean salad.
Leonard: Give me one circumstance in which that would be useful.
Sheldon: All right, picture this, a beautiful outdoor concert. Now, as a human, I appreciate Beethoven. As a fungus, I have a terrific view, growing out of a towering maple tree. And no thank you, expensive concessions. Because as an algae, I’ll just snack on this sunlight.
Raj: He got us again.
Leonard: No, he didn’t.
Raj: Anyway, if it’s okay with you, we should talk about Howard’s bachelor party.
Sheldon: Well, seems like a bit of a let down after our lichen conversation, but, what do you know, you’re half swan.
Raj: I’ve been doing some research on strippers. One agency I spoke to, said I could get us a great price if we’re flexible on age range and number of limbs.
Howard: Sounds like loads of fun, but I promised Bernadette no strippers.
Raj: You don’t want strippers? You’re the king of strippers. The one club in North Hollywood named a pole after you.
Howard: What can I tell ya, I’m not into that stuff any more.
Leonard: Good for you, Howard. I’m proud of you. And still, you’re the first one of us to get married. We have to do something special.
Sheldon: You know Germans have an interesting pre-wedding custom.
Howard: Well, it’s probably not for me.
Raj: Maybe we can go up to Napa Valley. They’ve got that wine train.
Sheldon: Boo, wine! But yay, trains. I’m in.
Raj: Anyway, it’s a beautiful time of year. Uh, you travel through the vineyards. There’s a tasting on board. And all the wild flowers are in bloom. It’s magic.
Leonard: Look at that, in 30 seconds, we went from hiring women to being them.
Scene: The stairwell.
Penny: So, I hear you and the lost boys are having a bachelor party tonight.
Leonard: Yeah, just going to a restaurant, get some steaks and scotch. Nothing to worry about.
Penny: Why should I worry?
Leonard: Well, I don’t know. It’s a bachelor party. There could be strippers. Wouldn’t that make you a little jealous?
Penny: Oh, come on Leonard, it’s you. What’s going to happen? I mean, even if there was a stripper, all you’d do is avoid eye-contact and maybe offer to help her kid with his homework.
Leonard: Hey, I am a young man in his sexual prime. Under the right conditions, I-I-I am capable of just, really crazy stuff.
Penny: Really? What is the craziest thing you’ve ever done with a woman? And the time you and I had sex in the ocean does not count.
Leonard: Oh, come on, that’s got to count. There was a really strong undertow, we could have died.
Penny: Well, have fun tonight.
Leonard: Oh, I will. There is no telling what might happen.
Penny: Yeah, there is.
Leonard: You know, there’s nothing wrong helping some woman’s kid get through their S.A.T.’s.
Scene: A restaurant.
Leonard: Hey, I got to hand it to Raj, he found a really nice spot to have a bachelor party.
Sheldon: It’s not bad. Unless you compare it to a train; then it stinks.
Leonard: Are you drinking whisky?
Sheldon: Indeed. If I’m to participate in the social convention that is the stag night, then I must embrace all its components, including tobacco, swear words, and yes, alcohol. Jeepers! That’s yucky.
Leonard: Whoa, it’s a little early to start dropping J-bombs, don’t you think?
Wil Wheaton: Hey, you guys.
Leonard: Oh, hey, Wil. Nice of you to make it out tonight for Howard.
Wil: Well, it was either this or another hot tub party at George Takei’s house.
Sheldon: I’m confused. I thought since our reconciliation, I was your friend in this group.
Wil: Oh, I’m friends with Howard too.
Sheldon: Oh. I guess you’re just friends with anybody. (Drinks) Aagh!
Stuart: Hey, uh, Leonard, things are a little tight at the comic book store. I might need some help covering my share of the check.
Leonard: Oh, yeah, no worries.
Stuart: And maybe a few bucks for the valet.
Leonard: Oh, all right.
Stuart: And gas money to get home.
Leonard: Yeah, sure.
Stuart: Great. You know what? This is my grandfather’s watch.
Stuart: 18-carat gold, got it in Europe during the war.
Leonard: Wow, that’s very nice.
Stuart: Mm-hmm. A hundred bucks and it’s yours.
Raj: Hey, everybody! The bachelor boy has arrived! For he’s a jolly good fellow…
All (joining in): For he’s a jolly good fellow, for he’s a jolly good fellow, which nobody can deny.
Kripke: Yes, yes, yes. He’s a jowwy good fewwow. What time do the stwippers awwive?
Howard: Actually, Barry, we’re not going to have strippers tonight.
Kripke: Ah, then what the fwig did I get two hundwed dowwaws in singles out for?
Stuart: You want to buy a watch?
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Amy (into a mini-cam): This is Maid of Honour Amy Farrah Fowler, bringing you the wedding activities just weeks out from the big day. Let’s check in with a beautiful, radiant young woman, and her friend who’s about to get married. Ladies, can you tell us what you’re doing?
Bernadette: Um, these are gift bags we’re going to put in the hotel rooms of our out-of-town guests. This is a map of Pasadena. This is a list of local restaurants. And then, for Howie’s relatives, we have antihistamines, antacids, and medicine for diarrhoea and constipation.
Penny: Yeah, we labeled them stop and go.
Amy: All right, pivoting to the big question. Bernadette, on your wedding night you’ll be consummating your marriage. What do you think your first sexual position will be as husband and wife?
Bernadette: Amy, please.
Amy: Keeping in mind that whoever’s on top may set the tone for the marriage.
Penny: Okay, show’s over.
Amy: Hey, they may conceive a child on their wedding night. Don’t you think the kid might get a kick out of knowing how it happened?
Penny: I don’t care. Ask her things like are you going to take Howard’s name? Not who’s going to sit on who?
Bernadette: I’ve actually been thinking I’m going to hyphenate: Bernadette Mary-Ann Rostenkowski-Wolowitz.
Penny: Nice. You know, you should totally get BernadetteMaryAnnRostenkowskiWolowitz.com before someone snaps it up.
Bernadette: Howard already took care of it. Plus, he set up our beautiful wedding website with cute little facts about our family histories. Do you know, for a while in Poland, my family and his family were neighbours.
Penny: Oh, that’s cool.
Amy: No, it’s not. I’ll explain it to you later.
Scene: The restaurant.
Raj: May I have your attention, please? We are hear tonight to celebrate the upcoming nuptials of my best friend Howard Wolowitz.
All: Hear! Hear!
Sheldon: And, apparently, Wil Wheaton’s best friend.
Sheldon: Talk to the hand.
Raj: Does anyone have any words they’d like to say about our man of the evening?
Sheldon: Yeah, I do. (All groan). As is the tradition, I have prepared a series of disrespectful jokes which generate humour at Howard’s expense. Prepare to have your ribs tickled. Howard, I always thought you’d be the last one of us to ever get married, because you are so short and unappealing. Am I right? Let’s see here. Oh, seriously though, Howard, you’re actually one of the most intelligent people I know. And that’s a zinger, because you’re not. I’ve always thought that you’d make someone a fine husband someday. Assuming you’d be able to get the parts, and develop the engineering skills to assemble them, which I don’t see as likely. Hacha! Okay, let me see here. Okay, kidding aside, Howard, you are a good friend. And I wish you nothing but happiness. Bazinga, I don’t!
Sheldon: Doubleazinga! I do! Good luck following that.
Leonard: So, Howard Wolowitz tying the knot. Leaving his crazy bachelor days behind. He was a wild one. Well, I guess we all kind of were. I remember this one time, I was with this girl at the beach. We were in the ocean and we started making out. I know, it was crazy. I wasn’t even wearing my Aquasocks. Then…
Kripke: Nobody cares, Hofstadter. Wwap it up.
Leonard: Right. To Howard.
All: To Howard.
Leonard: I totally had sex in the ocean.
Stuart: Okay, I’ll go. Howard, when I think about you and Bernadette starting this wonderful life together, I can’t help but get a little choked up. I mean, look at you. You have everything. Look at me. I’m 37. I sleep in the back of a comic book store, and I have the bone density of an 80-year-old man. To Howard.
Raj: Yeah, to Howard. Um, uh, who’s next?
Kripke: I’ll go. Howard, I’m gonna say something to you that evewybody’s thinking but no one has the couwage to say out woud. When you invite a man to a bachewor pawty, the impwication is, there will be stwippews. Maybe not compwetewy nude, but at weast pasties and G-stwings. That’s not unweasonable.
Raj: Hear, hear.
All: Hear, hear.
Raj: Okay, uh, anybody else? Huh? No? Okay, it all comes down to me, the best man. Ooh! This grasshopper is kicking my ass-hopper. Okay, when I first came to this country, I-I didn’t know how to behave or how to dress, or what was cool, I was pretty lonely. But then I met Howard, and suddenly, my life changed, because we could be lonely together. This man became my whole world.
Kripke: Yeah, nice speech, Fwancine. (Tucks a dollar in Raj’s pants.)
Raj: I’m not done, but thank you. (Raj puts the dollar on the table. Stuart steals it.) I think back to all the good times we had, like, uh, when we went camping and spent that night telling each other all our secrets. I told him I’m addicted to pedicures and he told me he lost his virginity to his cousin.
Howard: She was my second cousin.
Sheldon: And the first woman you ever disappointed sexually. Ba-da-bazinga!
Raj: Oh, oh, yeah, and then there was the time when Leonard and I took Howard to Las Vegas and paid a hooker to pretend she was Jewish and that she wanted his little kosher pickle. Of all the Howard humping hookers stories, that one’s my favourite!
Howard: Okay, buddy, that’s it. Sit down.
Raj: Oh, oh, what about that tubby girl in the Sailor Moon costume at Comic-con?
Howard: Don’t remember. Please sit down.
Raj: The only threesome I’ve ever had in my life, and I’m proud to say it was with this man right here.
Howard: Oh, please shut up.
Raj: Oh, oh, don’t get me wrong, nothing happened with me and Howard. There was about 200 pounds of Sailor Moon between us.
Wil (filming on his phone): Oh, Internet, this is so going all over you.
Sheldon: Jeepers, I’m drunk.
Scene: Bernadette’s car.
Howard: Thank you for picking us up. There’s a warning, right there, on the scotch bottle. You cannot be operatin’ heavy machinery after you had a snootful of this, laddie!
Bernadette: Funny. You boys have a nice time?
Howard: Yeah, it was great. And low-key, like I promised. No hanky-panky, no strippers. Just the guys telling jokes.
Bernadette: That’s nice.
Howard: How about you? Did you have a fun night? Yeah, we, uh, made gift bags, had wine, and then went online and saw this.
Raj’s Voice: Of all the Howard humping hookers stories, that one’s my favourite.
Raj: You know, we’re not that far from my apartment. If you stop the car, I can walk from here.
Bernadette: You ain’t goin’ anywhere, Threeway.
Howard: Bernadette, listen…
Bernadette: You lied to me. You said you told me about all the girls you’ve been with, but you never mentioned your cousin, the prostitute or Raj!
Raj: Seriously, you don’t even have to stop the car. Anything under ten miles an hour and I can combat-roll into the street.
Howard: Okay, just to set the record straight, I didn’t hire the prostitute, she was a gift from him. Shame on you, Raj. That is not how we treat women in this country.
Bernadette: Don’t you try and blame this on him.
Raj: Thank you, Bernadette.
Bernadette: Zip it, pervert!
Scene: Bernadette’s apartment.
Bernadette: I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m supposed to marry Howard in a couple of weeks and I’m not sure I even know who the man is any more.
Amy: I’m curious what’s bothering you most, the borderline incest, the prostitute or group sex with the girl dressed as the children’s cartoon?
Penny: Amy, remember when we went over things that would be helpful and things that wouldn’t?
Amy: Right. And that was…
Bernadette: When I first met Howard, he seemed so innocent to me, just a sweet little guy who lives with his mother.
Penny: Well, if that’s what you like, I’ll take you to the comic book store, the place is full of ’em.
Bernadette: Wait a minute. You set me up with Howard. Did you know about all the creepy stuff he was into?
Penny: Well, a little. You hear stuff.
Bernadette: Why didn’t you tell me
Penny: Well, I was gonna, but I didn’t think it would go past the first date. Then, when it did, I thought for sure it wouldn’t go past you meeting his mother. Definitely not past the two of you sleeping together. I mean, the warning signs were there, this is really on you.
Bernadette: My God! I thought you were my friend. (Runs to bedroom)
Amy: I don’t think that was helpful.
Scene: The apartment. Howard is on the phone.
Howard: Hi, Bernie, it’s me again. Please call me back.
Raj: Dude, I am so sorry.
Howard: It’s not your fault, it’s mine. I did all that stuff, not you.
Leonard: Actually, you did do one of them together.
Howard: What is this?
Sheldon: You’re upset. The convention is to bring an upset person a hot beverage.
Howard: No, but what is it?
Sheldon: Chicken broth. It seemed culturally appropriate. Also, there was a single cube of chicken bouillon in the cupboard when I moved in and it’s been bothering me for the last eight years. So, as they say, two birds.
Howard: I don’t know what my next move is.
Leonard: Well, Howard, I don’t know much about women.
Leonard: No, uh, that, that’s it. I don’t know much about women. Raj, you got anything?
Raj: I’ve got the phone number of the tubby girl from Comic-Con.
Howard: I’m not calling the girl from Comic-con.
Raj: All right. More Sailor Moon for me.
Sheldon: I just threw up the bachelor party.
Scene: Bernadette’s apartment.
Penny: Please come out, Bernadette. Let’s talk through this.
Bernadette: No, leave me alone.
Amy: Perhaps you should give him a taste of his own medicine. Do you have a cousin who you find attractive?
Amy: Hey, you introduced him to the sleazebag. I’m just trying to clean up your mess.
Howard (at the door): Oh, hi.
Howard: I need to talk to Bernadette.
Penny: Well, I don’t think she wants to talk to anyone right now.
Howard: All right, well, could you at least give her a message?
Penny: Yeah, sure, I guess.
Howard: Tell her I’m really sorry, and if she doesn’t want to marry me, I get it. But what I really want her to know is the guy that she’s disgusted by, is the guy that I’m disgusted by, too. But that guy doesn’t exist any more, he’s gone, and the reason is because of her. So, if this relationship is over, let her know that she made me a better man, and tell her thank you.
Penny: Oh, my God, Howard. That’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard. And it came out of you.
Howard: Penny has a message for you.
Bernadette: I heard. Your voice, not unlike your mother’s, travels through walls.
Howard: Do you want me to go?
Bernadette: No. Come here. I’m still really mad at you.
Howard: I get that.
Bernadette: Is there anything else about your past I should know?
Howard: Couple things, but, you know, most of them happened overseas. I’ll tell you later.
Howard: So, is the wedding still on?
Bernadette: Yeah, the wedding’s still on. (They hug)
Amy: Oh, thank God. I’m still a maid of honour. (Joins in the hug)
Penny: Oh, what the hell. (Joins in too)
Amy: This is kind of hot.
Scene: The laundry room. Leonard enters in his dressing gown.
Penny: What’s with the robe?
Leonard (taking it off): I’m gonna have sex with you right here, right now, on that washing machine.
Penny: No, you’re not.
Leonard: Come on, please.
Penny: If you want to do something, you can help me fold this sheet.
Leonard: Folding a sheet in my underwear, still pretty crazy.