Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: You’ll never believe what happened to me at work today.
Penny: This old guy was choking on his food, and I saved his life.
Leonard: You’re kidding. Did you Heimlich him?
Penny: No. I said, oh, my God, I think that old guy’s choking, and then one of the busboys Heimlich’ed him.
Leonard: You’re a hero.
Penny: Yeah, that was the point of the story.
Leonard: Oh, yeah, speaking of work, do you know if you have Thursday night off?
Penny: Um, I think so. Why?
Leonard: What do you mean, why? It’s Valentine’s Day.
Penny: Oh, right. Yeah, we can do something.
Leonard: You could be a little more into it.
Penny: No, I’m into it, I’m into it. Just, there’s so much pressure to make the night special, and it never works out.
Leonard: Okay, well, this time it’s going to be different. Because I am like a romance ninja. You don’t see it coming, and then bam, romance, watch out, hearts, kisses, love, ooh-ya!
Penny: You know, sometimes I think I’ve made you so much cooler than you used to be, and then you go and do that.
Scene: The stairwell.
Sheldon: So, in conclusion, I believe the painful sensation felt after passing a meal of spicy chillies is proof that the rectum does possess the sense of taste.
Amy: I concur, but you changed the subject. What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
Sheldon: Oh, you caught that, did you?
Scene: The comic book store.
Howard (on phone): Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay! Okay.
Raj: Everything okay?
Howard: Bernie’s a little cranky since she’s been working, like, 17 hours a day. And I’ve got a lot on my plate, too, because I’ve been busting my tail playing Assassin’s Creed.
Raj: Hey, Stuart, you got anything going on for Valentine’s Day?
Stuart: Not really. Other than hiding all the sharp objects around here and white-knuckling it till morning. What do you got going on?
Raj: Oh, well, I was going to spend the night with my special little lady, but, uh, she got worms, and then I had to take her to the vet.
Stuart: There must be something we can do.
Raj: Well, uh, how about you keep the store open late, and we throw a party for all the people who don’t have dates?
Stuart That actually sounds kind of nice.
Raj: Yeah, the theme will be that the greatest love a man can have is the love he has with himself.
Stuart: That’s good. Or maybe something a little less hand in the pants.
Scene: Sheldon’s office.
Sheldon: Ah, Alex, excellent. I have a research problem that I believe you can help with.
Alex: Oh, Dr. Cooper, thank you. I’ve been waiting for an opportunity to contribute to your scientific work.
Sheldon: Oh, no, no. That’s not going to happen, no. What I need you to do is find a Valentine’s gift for my girlfriend.
Alex: You realize I passed up an opportunity to work at Fermilab to take this job with you.
Sheldon: Well, I guess those chaps will have to have someone else buy their girlfriends presents. Now, here is, let’s see, this is, this is about two thousand dollars, um, I think she likes monkeys and the colour grey. Contribute to my work. Ah, kids say the darnedest things.
Scene: Howard’s lab.
Leonard: Hey, you coming to lunch?
Howard: Yeah, one second. Come here. I want to show you something.
Leonard: What you looking at?
Howard: Well, I was trying to come up with something really romantic to give Bernadette for Valentine’s Day since she’s been such a pain in the ass.
Leonard: You can’t find a card that says that?
Howard: Check it out. I used the atomic force microscope in the material science lab and wrote our initials in a heart one one-thousandth the size of a grain of sand.
Leonard: Oh, that’s cool.
Howard: A micro-valentine for a microbiologist.
Leonard: From her micro-husband. That is amazing. How long did this take you?
Howard: Mmm, about twelve hours. I pulled an all-nighter.
Leonard: Oh, wow.
Howard: Yeah, I know, it really took a bite out of my video game time. What are you and Penny doing?
Leonard: Oh, I’m going to take her to a nice restaurant for dinner.
Howard: Oh, that’s not bad, but as far as romance goes, I think my gift hits it right out of… (Bumps into chair and drops the slide)
Leonard: Want to come to dinner with us?
Howard: Yes, please.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Okay. Amy will be here shortly, expecting the perfect Valentine’s gift, so, you’re up kid. Dazzle me. Go.
Alex: Okay, I think I have some really great choices. I went on Amy’s Facebook page and read up on her interests.
Sheldon: Now, see, I never would have thought to do that. Clearly, I made a good choice farming this out to you. But I am telling you, Amy hit the boyfriend jackpot. Anyway, my socks are on. Let’s knock them off.
Alex: Well, um, I know she loves playing the harp, so I found this beautiful music box that plays one of her favourite songs.
Sheldon: Now, Amy already has a real harp. And it can play any song. What are you trying to pull here?
Alex: No, I just thought it would be…
Alex: Okay. Um, I know she’s a fan of The Canterbury Tales.
Alex: So I found this cool map that illustrates the character’s journey through England. I thought we could put it in a really nice frame.
Sheldon: But she’s got Google Maps on her phone.
Alex: I don’t know how to respond to that.
Sheldon: Well, I hope it’s with a third good option, because these first two, buh.
Alex: Okay. Well, uh, luckily, I saved the best for last. Since Amy’s a neuroscientist, I did some research and found out that Santiago Ramon y Cajal, the father of modern neuroscience, did lots of hand drawings of brain cells. And I managed to find this signed print.
Sheldon: Wow. Oh, this is truly remarkable.
Alex: Thank you.
Sheldon: I think I’ll keep it for myself.
Alex: What about your girlfriend?
Sheldon: It’s too late. I call dibs.
Scene: a restaurant.
Penny: This place is really beautiful.
Leonard: Waugh, romance ninja.
Howard: Sorry we’re late.
Penny: No problem. We just sat down.
Leonard: Mmm, would you like some wine?
Bernadette: Yeah, fill her up. I’ll tell you when to stop.
Penny: Is everything okay?
Howard: Terrific. Couldn’t be better.
Bernadette: Oh, bite me.
Howard: Look, we can still have a nice night. Just tell me where it is.
Bernadette: Maybe if you did what you said you were going to do, I’d tell you.
Leonard: Uh, where what is?
Howard: She hid my Xbox like I’m a child. Yeah, and my mom got me that for my birthday, so if you don’t give it back, I’m telling.
Bernadette: I’ve been working late every night. All I asked was that he clean the apartment and do one load of laundry. But did he do it? No. He just kept on playing that stupid game. You like pushing buttons so much, try pushing them on the washing machine.
Howard: I said I’m sorry.
Bernadette: Sorry doesn’t clean my underpants, buddy.
Howard: I told you, turn them inside out.
Bernadette: And I told you to bite me.
Leonard: Trying to have a magical night here, guys.
Penny: Oh, son of a bitch.
Penny: Nothing. Nothing.
Leonard: No, tell me.
Penny: It’s just this guy I used to date.
Penny: Until he cheated on me with my friend Gretchen, who’s here with him now.
Leonard: You’re kidding.
Penny: And it looks like she lost a lot of weight, damn it.
Leonard: I know it’s not ideal, but don’t let them ruin our night.
Penny: No, you’re totally right. She could be skinny ’cause she’s dying.
Leonard: That’s the spirit.
Penny: You know what, screw them. Our night is going to be way more special than theirs.
Penny: What? (Penny’s ex is proposing to Gretchen) Oh, you got to be kidding me.
Gretchen: Oh, my God, yes. Of course I’ll marry you.
Leonard: Two can play this game. Penny…
Penny: Get up.
Leonard: All right.
Scene: The comic book store.
Raj: It’s nice that all the people who are lonely on Valentine’s Day can come here tonight and be together.
Stuart: Yeah, I’m really looking forward to it. In fact, there’s no place I would rather be than here.
Raj: Except on a date with anybody.
Stuart: Literally anybody.
Raj: You know, you and I have so much fun hanging out. If you were a girl, all our problems would be solved.
Raj: Oh, yeah, think about it. We’d hang out, we’d read comic books, we’d see movies. It’d be like the best relationship ever.
Stuart: That does sound nice.
Raj: Then I’d take you home, slip off your little black dress and just pile-drive you into oblivion.
Scene: The restaurant.
Penny: Oh, I can’t believe he’s going to marry the girl he cheated on me with.
Leonard: Isn’t it kind of nice? I mean, he was with the wrong person, and now he found the right person.
Penny: What, so I’m the wrong person? Maybe you want to be with Gretchen, too.
Bernadette: They do look happy.
Howard: Yeah, maybe tonight. But a year from now, he’ll be crawling under the sink looking for his Xbox. Well, he will.
Leonard: You know what? Why don’t we just forget about them and enjoy our Valentine’s Day?
Penny: Yes, absolutely. Now they’re doing that phony link-arm-drink thingy. I totally taught him that.
Leonard: I thought we were letting it go.
Penny: We were; it’s just, it’s not fair, okay? They’re bad people. It’s not supposed to end happy for them, it’s supposed to end happy for me.
Leonard: Um, it did end happy for you. You’re here with me.
Penny: Yeah, yeah, I know.
Leonard: Okay, this is getting a little hard to not take personally.
Penny: Oh, come on, don’t make this about you.
Leonard: Oh, I’m not. It’s about you.
Penny: Yeah, well, whatever, okay? I told you, Valentine’s Day sucks.
Leonard: This one does, and you’re the reason why.
Bernadette: You know, compared to them, I’m feeling pretty good about us.
Howard: Me, too. How about we blow off dessert, go home early, I’ll do that laundry.
Bernadette: Thank you.
Howard: I love you.
Bernadette: Love you, too.
Howard: So where’d you hide it?
Bernadette: Where you’d never look.
Howard: Damn it, it’s in the washing machine.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: Happy Valentine’s Day.
Sheldon: Okay. Shall we go to dinner?
Amy: Hang on. As you know, I had planned a traditional evening of romance and gifts.
Sheldon: Yes, and as you know, I planned to pretend to enjoy it. I’ve been working on this facial expression all day.
Amy: And I appreciate your effort, but upon contemplation, I decided I was being selfish. So, I cancelled our dinner reservations and came up with an even better way to celebrate Valentine’s Day.
Sheldon: What is that?
Amy: By doing none of it. No dinner, no romance, no gifts. We stay here, order a pizza and watch one of your beloved Star War Trek things.
Amy: Well, that’s what you’d love, isn’t it?
Sheldon: More than anything.
Amy: Well, then, that’s what we’re going to do.
Sheldon: Well, I don’t know what to say. This is the most thoughtful gift that anyone’s ever given me. And that’s including an amazing gift that I gave myself earlier today.
Amy: I’m your girlfriend. That’s my job. And I know gift-giving puts a lot of pressure on you, so whatever you got me, you can return.
Sheldon: No. No, after everything you didn’t do for me tonight, I want you to have it.
Amy: What’s this?
Sheldon: Read it.
Amy: Sheldon Cooper, Caltech University employee information?
Sheldon: At the bottom.
Amy: In case of emergency, please contact… Amy Farrah Fowler. And there’s my phone number. This is the most beautiful gift you could’ve ever given me.
Sheldon: Well, I thought, if I have a stroke or a kidney stone, who would I want to share that with?
Amy: And you picked me.
Sheldon: It’s like you said, you’re my girlfriend.
Amy: Oh, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Yeah. Okay. Stop ruining Valentine’s Day and order my pizza.
Scene: The stairwell.
Leonard: Yep. You know what? That was pretty crappy of you. I mean, all I wanted to do was give you a great night, and it’s like you-you went out of your way to destroy it.
Penny: Yeah, I know. I’m a total bitch.
Leonard: I’m not saying that.
Penny: Well, I am.
Leonard: Fine, you win. You’re a bitch. Why couldn’t we just have a nice time?
Penny: I don’t know. Maybe ’cause things are going so well between us lately and I’ve been really happy.
Leonard: Okay, you’re gonna have to make a lot more sense than that.
Penny: Obviously, I have some commitment issues.
Leonard: Glaringly obvious. Go on.
Penny: As long as things keep going great between us, you’ll keep asking me to marry you, and eventually I’m gonna end up saying yes, and then we’re gonna be married forever, and the whole thing just freaks me out.
Leonard: Okay. I know I propose a lot. So how about this? I promise I will never ask you to marry me again.
Penny: What, what do you mean? Are you breaking up with me?
Leonard: No. No, no, no, no. But if someday you decide you want to get married, you have to propose to me.
Leonard: Yes. It’s all on you. But I got to tell you, when the time comes, I want the whole nine yards. I want you down on one knee, flowers, I want to be swept off my feet.
Penny: Yeah, you got it.
Leonard: And I’m cool with surprises. But nothing on a Jumbotron. I don’t want to cry on a big screen like that.
Penny: Okay. You know what? This might be the wine talking, but I have a very important question to ask you.
Leonard: You do?
Penny: Leonard Hofstadter?
Penny: Will you be my valentine?
Leonard: Sorry. Maybe next year. I’m just kidding. Romance ninja. Let’s have sex. Waugh!
Scene: The comic book store.
Nerdy guy: Thank you, guys, for doing this.
Raj: We’re glad you could make it.
Nerdy guy: Usually I spend Valentine’s Day sad and alone. This year, I’m just sad.
Raj: What is it about this holiday that makes people so unhappy?
Stuart: I know. I hate myself most of the time, but tonight’s the night I know everyone else does, too.
Nerdy guy: I think you’re cool.
Raj: I got to tell you, we’ve got to stop beating ourselves up like this. Excuse me, everybody. Can I have your attention, please? We’re all here tonight because we have no one to be with. But that doesn’t make us mutants. The only mutants here are in these comic books. We’ve got to stop defining our self-worth by whether or not we’re in a relationship. You know what I see when I look around? I see a room full of great people. So let’s give ourselves a break. We are a community, and as long as we have each other, we’re never truly alone.
Girl: That was cool. What you said.
Raj: You really think so?
Girl: Yeah, I do.
Raj: Thank you. Uh, would you like to, uh, get a cup, a cup of coffee or…?
Raj: Later, losers!
Scene: Amy’s lab. Phone rings.
Amy: Hello? Another medical emergency? What’s wrong with him now? I seriously doubt he was bitten by a Chinese bird spider. How exactly does a bump feel Asian? Just put him on the phone. Sheldon, I am not driving over there again. Because I drove over there yesterday for a brain tumour that turned out to be an ice cream headache. Yes, I still want to be your emergency contact. Yes, you can eat your ice cream too fast and also have a brain tumour. I’m on my way. Brain tumour would explain a lot.