Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency

Scene: On the deck of a ship on the North Sea, in the middle of a storm. Leonard is on a sat-phone.

Leonard: Sheldon, it’s not a great time, what do you want?

Sheldon (in the apartment): Hello to you, too. I’m sorry, but this is important.

Leonard: What is it?

Sheldon: Back to the Future II was in the Back to the Future III case, and Back to the Future III was, get this, in the Back to the Future II case.

Leonard: So?

Sheldon: So, did you do that, or am I in the house with an intruder?

Leonard: Sheldon, I got to go inside. It’s getting rough out here.

Sheldon: You’re dodging the question, I knew it was you. What was that?

Leonard: What was what?

Sheldon: This isn’t a very good connection, but it sounded like someone just released a kraken.

Leonard: Okay, I’m hanging up now. You know there’s no such thing as a k… (Leonard is attacked and dragged into the sea by a huge tentacle. Sheldon wakes up in bed.)

Sheldon: No!

Scene: Penny’s apartment door.

Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.

Penny: What’s the matter?

Sheldon: Um, well, I was worried that you might be missing Leonard. And that might be causing you to have bad dreams, like the kind you’d get if you watched Clash of the Titans right before you went to bed.

Penny: Sweetie, did you have a bad dream?

Sheldon: To be honest, I did.

Penny: Aw.

Sheldon: Back to the Future II was in the Back to the Future III case. Leonard did it.

Penny: Good night.

Sheldon: No, wait. Perhaps I should sleep here so you don’t miss Leonard as much, uh, ’cause you’re being kind of a baby about it.

Penny: You know what? That would make me feel better. Thank you.

Sheldon: You’re welcome. Good night.

Credits sequence.

Scene: The cafeteria.

Raj: I think you’d be pleased to hear that this morning in the parking garage I saw this oil stain on the ground that was shaped just like my ex-girlfriend, Lucy, and I didn’t get upset at all.

Howard: I’m proud of you.

Raj: Well, you should be, ’cause she was looking good.

Sheldon: Dear Lord, you’re an astronomer. Although you may have earthly woes, get your mind back on the stars. Gee, even the lowly dung beetle chooses to plot its course by using the Milky Way.

Raj: Is that true?

Sheldon: Everything I say is true. Now, of course, the dung beetle also enjoys eating faeces, living in faeces and making little balls out of faeces, so, you know, pick and choose which aspects of its lifestyle you want to embrace.

Howard: Come on, you can talk to girls now. It shouldn’t be hard for you to meet someone new.

Raj: How can I meet someone new when everywhere I look, I see Lucy’s face? Tell me you don’t see her smile in the crust of this chicken pot pie.

Howard: Oh, will you stop it. Now, listen to me, there’s a welcome party for incoming post-docs tonight. Go to it and meet someone who isn’t made of grease or pie.

Raj: You think you’re so cool because your wife is a person?

Howard: Look, Bernie’s at a neuroscience conference with Amy, I’ll go with you.

Raj: You would do that for me?

Howard: Of course. You’re my friend. I want you to be happy.

Raj: Thanks. Oh, Sheldon, since Amy’s out of town, would you like to join us?

Sheldon: I want you to be happy, too, but not enough to do anything about it.

Scene: A hotel room.

Bernadette (on phone): Howie, stop. I can’t talk like that. Amy’s right here.

Amy (on phone): Sheldon, stop. For the last time, I will not bring home bed bugs.

Bernadette: The hotel’s nice. There’s a pool, a gym, the bar looks like fun.

Amy: Because I looked in the bed, and there are no bugs.

Bernadette: Aw, I love you, too. If I don’t talk to you before you go to sleep, I’ll meet you in dreamland.

Amy: Good night. No, I will not consider sleeping in my garment bag.

Scene: The apartment.

Sheldon: Penny, did you ever wonder how Starfleet captains…

Penny: No.

Sheldon: Well, now that I’ve piqued your interest, welcome to the exciting world of 3D chess.

Penny: Why don’t you just admit you only want to play this game because you always play it with Leonard and you miss him?

Sheldon: You overestimate his significance in my life.

Penny: Mmm.

Sheldon: Do I miss how he makes a face on my toaster waffle with syrup? No. Do I miss the way he fixes the zipper on my jacket when it gets stuck? I don’t think so. Do I miss how we say good night to each other through the walls of our bedroom using Morse code? (Taps out No in morse code on the table)

Penny: Okay, I get it, I get it. You are an emotionless robot.

Sheldon: Well, I try.

Penny: All right, let’s just get this stupid game over with.

Sheldon: Great. I’ll go first.

Penny: Okay.

Sheldon: By the way, how are you with zippers?

Penny: Why?

Sheldon: Well, I really need to go to the bathroom, and this one’s gone all cattywampus.

Scene: The mixer party.

Raj: Wow, your work on jellyfish neural nets sounds so interesting.

Girl: It is. You can download my paper off the university server.

Raj: I will. You can download my paper on the Van Allen Belts from the university server as well.

Girl: I will.

Raj: All right.

Howard: How’d it go?

Raj: Well, if you like dry, factual statements interspersed with painful moments of silence, it was bananas.

Howard: Check it out. Mrs. Davis from Human Resources is here. She’s probably on the lookout for sexual harassment.

Raj: Oh, great. There go my chances of being sexually harassed.

Howard: I heard her husband left her for a hot, young undergrad.

Raj: That’s so much better than the old, ugly ones.

Mrs Davis: Mr. Wolowitz, Dr. Koothrappali.

Howard: Mrs. Davis, nice to see you.

Raj: You know, I recently read a fascinating article on infidelity among penguins.

Mrs Davis: Okay.

Raj: So if the fact that your husband left you makes you feel unattractive, just remember, penguins get cheated on, and they’re adorable.

Howard: It was better when you couldn’t talk to women.

Scene: The hotel bar.

Bernadette: I was thinking of going to the lecture on posterior cingulate cortex lesions in the formation of autobiographical memory.

Amy: Oh, brain lesions are fascinating. Unless they’re yours, then they’re a drag.

Bernadette: To the advancement of science.

Amy: And to the sick and dying who make it possible.

Bernadette: This is fun, we never really get to talk shop with Penny around. We usually just end up talking about boys.

Amy: Which is fine, but it’s nice to mix it up with a little intellectual conversation.

Waiter: From the two gentlemen at the bar.

Amy: Oh, my gosh, boys bought us drinks, boys bought us drinks. Thank you, thank you, thank you so much.

Bernadette: Be cool.

Amy: You be cool. Guys are hitting on us, and not just to get to Penny.

Bernadette: You’re right. Thank you.

Scene: The apartment.

Sheldon: Ooh. Bad move.

Penny: Really? Why?

Sheldon: My queen can now take your rook from below.

Penny: So that means I lose, right? It’s over?

Sheldon: If I make this move, but I won’t because we’re having too much fun.

Penny: Okay, let’s take a break.

Sheldon: We’re all out of alcohol.

Penny: I wasn’t going to get alcohol. Gosh, I wonder what Leonard’s doing right now. I miss him so much.

Sheldon: Well, if you’d like, we could call him. I mean that you could call him. As I’ve explained, the absence of my friends does not cause me pain. As rock and roll bad boy Paul Simon once said, I am a rock, I am an i-i-i-island.

Penny: I’m calling him.

Sheldon: Oh, goodie, put him on speaker phone.

Leonard (on board boat, at a party, dancing): Excuse me, ladies, my pants are buzzing. North Sea, how can I kelp you?

Penny: Leonard?

Leonard: Penny? Hey, it’s Penny. Everybody say hi to Penny.

Everybody: Hi, Penny!

Penny: Wow, it sounds like you’re having a good time.

Leonard: Best time of my life.

Sheldon: Isn’t it five thirty in the morning there?

Leonard: Is it? Hey, everybody, it’s five thirty in the morning!

Penny: Uh, okay, well, we were just calling you because we were missing you.

Random voice: Iceberg!

Leonard: Uh-oh, hang on.

Sheldon: Are you in danger?

Leonard: No, it’s a drinking game. Whenever we see an iceberg, we take a shot!

Everybody: Berg! Berg! Berg! Berg! Berg! Berg!

Penny: Leonard, Leonard? I cannot believe we were missing that jerk.

Sheldon: You were.

Scene: The hotel bar.

Amy: So what happened? How’d it go?

Bernadette: It’s fine. I thanked them again and let them know we’re not available.

Amy: So I can drink this without having to give up the goodies?

Bernadette: Yes, it’s all cool. Although, if you wanted to talk to one of them, no one would blame you.

Amy: And why would no one blame me?

Bernadette: I don’t know what I’m saying.

Amy: Well, it sounds like you’re saying that I could do better than Sheldon.

Bernadette: Boy, these drinks are strong. Hoo, mama, I’m gonna be huggin’ the toilet tonight.

Amy: No, tell me, I want to know what you meant by that.

Bernadette: I just meant that you’re not married and your boyfriend’s kind of, Sheldon.

Amy: And your husband is extremely Howard. What’s your point?

Bernadette: Sorry. I have no point. That was a stupid thing to say. Can we please just go back to having a nice time?

Amy: We could, but unfortunately my brain is lesion-free and I remember that rotten thing you just said about my sweet baboo.

Bernadette: Come on. I apologize. Can we please just let it go?

Amy: Sure.

Bernadette: Thanks.

Amy: Your husband’s weird and his clothes are ridiculous.

Scene: The apartment.

Penny: I can’t believe it. All this time I’ve been doing nothing but sit around and miss that guy. And you know what the worst part is?

Sheldon: That you’re having to process your emotional pain without vodka?

Penny: No. Yeah. But you know what the second-worst part is? He does not miss me at all.

Sheldon: Allow me to comfort you. At least you’ve got your health.

Penny: Really? That, that’s it? That’s comforting?

Sheldon: Um, uh, in a hundred years, you’ll both be dead and it won’t matter?

Penny: No. Come on, you’re supposed to say, of course he misses you, the only reason he’s partying is to cover up his pain.

Sheldon: Oh, no, I don’t think that’s true at all.

Penny: This is ridiculous. Why am I upset just because he’s off having a good time?

Sheldon: Well, perhaps you’re obsessively picturing him engaged in drunken coitus with another woman. Is that it? Did I get it right?

Penny: Okay, that, that’s great. You can stop trying to make me feel better now.

Sheldon: Actually, I can’t. Before Leonard left, he made me promise that I’d take care of you.

Penny: He did?

Sheldon: Yes.

Penny: Oh, that’s really sweet.

Sheldon: Plus, if I do a good job, he said he’d bring me back a sailor’s cap.

Penny: Well, now I miss him even more.

Sheldon: Well, if it’s any consolation, I’m sure Leonard’s tormented every moment he’s away from your warm embrace and cherry lips.

Penny: Thanks.

Sheldon: Oh, seriously?

Scene: The mixer.

Raj: Uh, excuse me, Mrs. Davis?

Mrs Davis: What?

Raj: I’d like to apologize for being insensitive. And for possibly making penguins seem like jerks, because 99% of them are stand-up guys.

Mrs Davis: Forget about it.

Raj: You know, you, you and I, you and I have a lot in common.

Mrs Davis: Is that right?

Raj: Oh, yes, I, I too am in the throes of heartbreak. Okay, fine, I’ll tell you about it.

Scene: The apartment.

Sheldon: Here is a hot beverage to comfort you. It’s in a to-go cup. Make of that what you will.

Penny: Come on. It’s still early. Let’s do something.

Sheldon: Well, I have been toying around with an idea for 4D chess.

Penny: How about we just talk?

Sheldon: All right. In 4D chess…

Penny: No. Come on, let’s talk about our lives. Tell me something about you I don’t know.

Sheldon: I own nine pairs of pants.

Penny: Okay, that, that’s a good start, but I was thinking maybe something a little more personal.

Sheldon: I see. I own nine pairs of underpants.

Penny: How about I go first?

Sheldon: But I don’t want to know how many underpants you own. Although, based on the floor of your bedroom, I’d say it’s a thousand.

Penny: Okay, look, here’s something people do not know about me. When I first moved out to L.A., I did a topless scene in a low-budget horror movie about a killer gorilla. Ugh! After I did it, I felt so ashamed. Thankfully, that thing never came out.

Sheldon: I’ve seen that. Yeah. Serial Apeist. Howard found it online the day we met you.

Penny: Oh, God.

Sheldon: And it was literally the moment you walked out the door. But I see the type of personal revelations you’re going for. Okay, here’s one I thought I’d take to the grave.

Penny: Okay.

Sheldon: Hmm. A while back, YouTube changed its user interface from a star-based rating system to a thumbs-up rating system. I tell people I’m okay with it, but I’m really not.

Penny: That’s your big revelation?

Sheldon: Yes. Whew, I feel ten pounds lighter.

Penny: Okay, you know what? I give up. I’m going to bed.

Sheldon: Here’s something else you don’t know about me. You just hurt my feelings.

Penny: What did I do?

Sheldon: I opened up and shared something deeply upsetting to me, and you treated it as if it were nothing.

Penny: I, I didn’t think it was a big deal.

Sheldon: It is to me; that’s the point.

Penny: Sheldon, you are right. I’m really sorry. I should’ve known better.

Sheldon: Your apology is accepted.

Penny: Thank you. How about a hug?

Sheldon: How about a hearty handshake?

Penny: Come on.

Sheldon: Now I know how you felt getting mauled by that sex-crazed gorilla.

Scene: The hotel room.

Bernadette: Good night.

Amy: Mm-hmm. It was rather flattering to have strangers send us drinks.

Bernadette: Yeah, that felt nice.

Amy: Maybe tomorrow morning we put on some hot pants and see if we can score us some free omelettes.

Bernadette: So, hypothetically, if, if we were to have gone with them, which one would you have picked?

Amy: I think I would have gone with the short one with the goofy haircut.

Bernadette: Oh, good, ’cause I liked the tall thin one. He seemed intelligent, kind of a loner, maybe a little sexually inexperienced, like I’d have to teach him a thing or two.

Amy: Not my guy. I caught him staring at my rack. It’d be nice to be with a man who wants to know what’s underneath my cardigan. FYI, it’s another cardigan.

Bernadette: Your short sexed-up guy kind of sounds like Howard.

Amy: Your brainy virgin kind of sounds like Sheldon.

Both: Good night.

Scene: The mixer.

Mrs Davis: All right, Dr. Koothrappali, it’s been nice talking to you, but I need to go home and relieve my babysitter.

Raj: Yeah, I can relate to being a single parent. I have a dog.

Mrs Davis: Yeah, it’s exactly the same thing. Good night.

Raj: Mrs. Davis, I, uh, I must confess, I came here tonight in a futile attempt to pick up some lonely postdoc, but instead I got to connect with you at a human level. That’s a much better evening. You’re a lovely person.

Mrs Davis: Are you hitting on me?

Raj: No, no, no, that would be crazy. I mean, if I were hitting on you, you’d know it ’cause you’d feel uncomfortable and a little sad for me.

Mrs Davis: You’re sweet. Good night, Dr. Koothrappali.

Raj: Good night.

Howard: Looks like she accepted your apology.

Raj: And then some. I think we had a moment.

Howard: Oh, please, you did not have a moment.

Raj: Who died and made you king of moments?

Howard: Okay, fine. Let’s say there was a moment.

Raj: There was.

Howard: There wasn’t. But, but even if there was, what are you gonna do about it?

Raj: I will slowly seduce her until she falls helpless into my bed, hungry for the pleasure only I can give her.

Howard: So nothing.

Raj: No, not a thing.

Scene: A bathroom shower.

Penny (acting): Ah, I’m so glad the police finally caught that psychotic genetically engineered ape.

Leonard (on ship): That is my girlfriend. I swear to God.

Everyone (on ship): Leonard! Leonard! Leonard! Leonard!

Penny: Aaaaaaah!


 
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