Series 7 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration
Scene: The stairwell.
Sheldon: It’s an outrage.
Leonard: I know.
Sheldon: The university, they think they can do whatever they want. We just have to sit there and take it.
Leonard: You need to let it go, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You work tirelessly for someone, and this is what you get.
Leonard: Oh, my God, they’re just making you use your vacation days.
Sheldon: But I don’t want a vacation.
Leonard: Okay, listen, I don’t mean to diminish what you’re going through, but I’m a little distracted right now.
Sheldon: Oh, this again? So, Penny proposed, you didn’t say yes, and now you think you may have lost her love forever. How does this compare to me being forced to relax for a few days?
Leonard: It doesn’t.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Leonard: I’m gonna go talk to Penny.
Sheldon: I’m going to go inside, put on my coziest pajamas, curl up with a good book and wait for this nightmare to be over. (Leonard knocks three times) Penny. Sorry.
Penny: Look, I’m sorry I didn’t text you back. I just needed some time to think.
Penny: Yeah. Come in.
Leonard: Look, if you want to break up, just say it.
Leonard: No, no, no, no. I take it back. Don’t say it. Just, just hate me, but stay with me. It worked for my parents.
Penny: Listen, I don’t want to break up with you.
Leonard: Oh. Oh, okay. Good, good. So, it’s cool if I cry a little?
Penny: Yeah, I probably wouldn’t.
Penny: Look, you did the right thing last night. I was a mess. I was just frustrated because my career is going nowhere.
Leonard: Look, I get it, and I want you to know that I support whatever you want to do.
Penny: Great, because I’ve been thinking, if I really want this acting thing to work, I need to focus all my energy on it. And to do that, I should quit waitressing at The Cheesecake Factory.
Leonard: Wow. That, that’s a big step.
Penny: I know.
Leonard: So, well, before making any rash…
Penny: I already quit.
Leonard: And I support you.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Come on, take me to work with you.
Leonard: No. You’re on vacation.
Sheldon: Please. What if there’s a big breakthrough in science today and I’m not there to see it?
Leonard: Do you really think there’s gonna be a breakthrough without you there to do it?
Sheldon: No. I was just tricking you.
Sheldon: Leonard, wait. Take me with you.
Sheldon: Too bad. I’m coming with you.
Leonard: Oh, Sheldon, stay.
Leonard: I said stay. I’m going to work. Do not follow me.
Scene: The comic book store.
Bernadette: Hey Stuart.
Bernadette: Sorry. Did I startle you?
Stuart: Yes, but at this point, pretty much any customer does. What can I do for you?
Bernadette: Well, I need a little help. I accidentally destroyed one of Howard’s comic books this morning, and was hoping I could replace it.
Stuart: Wow. What happened?
Bernadette: Batman got his ass kicked by my curling iron.
Stuart: Well, don’t let The Riddler know that. It’s a comic book joke. Or maybe it’s not.
Bernadette: Do you have this one?
Stuart: Uh, well, it’s, it’s pretty rare. Can you give me a few days to track it down?
Bernadette: Ooh, I was kind of hoping to get it before Howie comes home from work.
Stuart: Oh. What’s the hurry?
Bernadette: Well, he’s always saying I should be more careful with my curling iron, and it seems like a dangerous precedent to let him think he can be right.
Stuart: Well, I’ll do what I can, but I can’t make any promises.
Bernadette: You know, I do work at a pharmaceutical company. If you can make this happen today, I can hook you up with anxiety medication, antidepressants.
Stuart: Really? Do you have any of these?
Scene: Amy’s laboratory.
Amy: Hello, Mr. Rat Brain. Not so bitey without the rest of the rat to back us up now, are we?
Howard: Anybody home?
Amy: Hey, what brings you guys here?
Raj: Well, we were just on our way to lunch and wanted to see if you’d like to join.
Amy: Why? Because Sheldon’s not here this week, and you don’t think I have any other options? I’m just kidding. I’ll get my purse.
Bert: Hi, Amy. I, oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you had any company.
Amy: That’s okay. Uh, Bert, this is Howard and Rajesh. Guys, this is Bert.
Raj: Hey. Good to see you.
Bert: Anyway, I wanted to show you this tourmalinated quartzthat we got in the lab.
Amy: This is so pretty. Bert works for the geology department.
Bert: Yeah. You know what, uh, geologists and Bon Jovi have in common?
Howard: You’re both into rock?
Bert: Yeah. Well, see ya.
Amy: Oh, you forgot your quartz.
Bert: Oh, it’s okay. I want you to have it. Bye.
Amy: He’s nice.
Howard: Yeah, he’s nice because he likes you.
Amy: What?! No, he doesn’t.
Raj: He brought you a pretty rock.
Amy: So? He does that every day. Oh.
Howard: You know, if you’d rather skip lunch and hang out with your boyfriend Bert, it’s totally okay.
Amy: He’s not my boyfriend.
Raj: Are you sure? He’s tall, pale and awkward. That sounds like your type.
Amy: Should someone as lonely as you really be making fun of me?
Raj: Yeah, grow up, Howard. God.
Amy: What do I do? I don’t want to hurt his feelings.
Howard: Maybe the problem is he thinks you’re available. Does he know you’re dating Sheldon?
Amy: I guess it hasn’t come up.
Howard: There you go.
Raj: And does Sheldon know you’re dating Sheldon?
Amy: I’m sorry. Who are you dating?
Raj: Yeah, knock it off, Howard.
Scene: The stairwell.
Penny: Oh. Hey, Sheldon.
Penny: You okay?
Sheldon: I’m on vacation. What do you think?
Penny: Why are you sitting in the stairwell?
Sheldon: Leonard told me to stay.
Penny: Oh. Well, good boy.
Sheldon: Where are you going?
Penny: Oh, I have a ton of errands to run. I need to make copies of my headshot, send them off to agents and sign up for a new acting class.
Sheldon: Well, have fun.
Penny: Okay. You want to come with me?
Penny: Come on, boy. Come on. Let’s go. Let’s go. Get in the car. Come on.
Scene: The comic book store.
Stuart (on phone): All right, thanks a lot. They have one at Capital Comics.
Bernadette: Oh, that’s great.
Stuart: No, it’s not. I hate that place. Guy who owns it is a jerk. He’s always making me feel bad about myself.
Bernadette: Oh, that’s terrible. What’s the address?
Stuart: You know, why don’t I just take you there? That way, I can make sure he doesn’t rip you off.
Bernadette: Oh, thanks, but I don’twant you to close up. I mean, won’t you lose business? Sorry. That was mean.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Amy: Penny really quit The Cheesecake Factory?
Howard: So, what is she doing today?
Leonard: I don’t know. She already thinks I don’t support this, so if I call, it might look like I’m checking up on her.
Raj: Well, do you support this?
Leonard: Of course I do. She’s a great actress. I’m proud she’s taking this risk.
Amy: That’s nice.
Leonard: You bought that? Great. I got to call her before I forget how I said it. Hey.
Penny: Hi. What’s up?
Leonard: Oh, how’s it going? You taking Hollywood by storm?
Penny: Actually, I’m at The Cheesecake Factory.
Leonard: You got your job back. That is great news. I didn’t want to say anything, but you are making the right choice. To plunge yourself into debt right now would be literally insane.
Penny: Yeah. I’m just returning my uniform.
Leonard: And I support you.
Scene: Penny’s car.
Voice: Before we begin your guided meditation, close your eyes and picture yourself in a peaceful environment.
Sheldon: Okay. I’m inside the CERN super collider.
Voice: Now, take a deep, relaxing breath in through your nose. And let it out.
Sheldon: Wow. Didn’t see that coming.
Sheldon: Let me guess.
Voice: And out.
Sheldon: What was I gonna do? Two ins in a row? Where’s my lemonade?
Penny: I didn’t get it.
Sheldon: A fitting swan song to your career as a waitress, to forget my order one last time.
Penny: Do you think quitting my job was a mistake?
Sheldon: Do you see me drinking lemonade?
Penny: No. I’m serious.
Sheldon: Why do you ask?
Penny: Because Leonard just pissed me off. Am I being an idiot or not?
Sheldon: No, I don’t think you are.
Sheldon: The best way to achieve a goal is to devote 100% of your time and energy to it. When I decided I was going to be a physicist, I didn’t take some other job in case it didn’t work out. Which wasn’t easy because there was a lot of pressure from Ms. Pearson for me to be chalk monitor that year.
Penny: Thank you. I needed to hear that. Why can’t Leonard understand it?
Sheldon: Because he’s not like us, Penny. We’re dreamers.
Penny: Yeah, I need to start cracking the window when I leave you in the car.
Scene: Amy’s laboratory.
Amy: Hello, Bert.
Bert: So, anyway, there’s this big, uh, rock and mineral show next week in Santa Monica.
Amy: Listen, um, Bert, before you say anything else, I, I have a boyfriend.
Bert: Oh. This is awkward. You thought I was gonna ask you to go with me to the mineral show.
Amy: Weren’t you?
Amy: That’s very nice of you, but I do have a boyfriend.
Bert: That’s what you all say. You just don’t want to go out with me because I have an off-putting personality.
Amy: No, that’s not true. My boyfriend has an off-putting personality, too. Like, way worse than you.
Bert: Don’t worry. I’m used to it. I mean, I’m big and weird and funny-looking and no one ever wants to do anything with me.
Amy: Don’t say that.
Bert: It’s okay. I know I’m a monster.
Amy: No, Bert, come on. I’d love to go to the mineral show with you.
Bert: Sweet. It’s a date.
Amy: No, it’s not.
Bert: Too late.
Scene: Capital Comics.
Stuart: Yeah. Haven’t seen this many people in my store since that Korean church bus crashed through my front window.
Jesse: Hey, Stuart.
Jesse: Haven’t seen you in forever. Look how grey you’ve gotten.
Stuart: My hair’s exactly the same colour as always.
Jesse: No, I was talking about your skin.
Stuart: Look, uh, my friend here needs a comic book.
Jesse: Ooh, and she went into your store by mistake. Good thing there was no one there to see you. What do you need? Oh, yeah, yeah. I got this. Right over here.
Stuart: Even you, Sweatpants?
Sweatpants: Free popcorn.
Jesse: Can I offer you a coffee? Espresso? Latte?
Bernadette: No, thanks.
Jesse: How about you, Stu? Mocha? Scone? Directions to the nearest soup kitchen?
Jesse: I’m just kidding. He knows where the soup kitchen is.
Stuart: It’s on Merton Avenue.
Bernadette: I don’t think I like the way you’re treating my friend.
Jesse: Sorry. You want the book or not?
Bernadette: Not from you. Let’s go, Stuart.
Stuart: You know something, Jesse? You may have a successful business and the kind of pink complexion that comes with good nutrition, but I have something more important.
Jesse: What’s that?
Stuart: Friendship. Which I would trade in a heartbeat for all of this.
Scene: Amy’s laboratory.
Howard: The mineral and rock show? That would be awful even without Bert.
Amy: So what am I supposed to do now?
Raj: Prepare your uterus for his gigantic offspring?
Amy: This isn’t funny. I’m gonna have to tell him the truth, that even if I didn’t have a boyfriend, I wouldn’t be interested in him.
Howard: Oh, I’ve heard those words so many times. From Linda Nosenchuck, Tammy Rosenworcel.
Raj: Padma Kapur, Neha Chowdury.
Howard: Marci Grossman, Lisa Mazzarino.
Raj: Megan Pincus.
Howard: Tammy Cho.
Raj: Oh, who was that girl from our Starbucks?
Howard: Arlene Russel.
Raj: Yes. Arlene. She wrote no way on both our cappuccinos.
Howard: Poor Bert. That guy’s got a rough afternoon ahead of him.
Amy: Well, how would you want a girl to tell you she wasn’t interested?
Raj: I guess, uh, I’d like her to sit me down, look me in the eye and say, I was wrong. I love you. And then maybe she could touch me in a special way.
Howard: That’s how you reject a guy.
Amy: Okay, I don’t have time for this. I’m just gonna go find him and be brutally honest.
Howard: No, don’t.
Raj: He’ll be so upset. He’ll probably climb up the Empire State Building and start swatting at planes.
Howard: You want us to talk to him?
Amy: Really? You would do that?
Raj: Sure. We’ve both been in his shoes. We’ll let him down with compassion and respect.
Amy: Thank you.
Howard: Let’s go.
Raj: So we tell him she’s a lesbian, right?
Howard: Of course we tell him she’s a lesbian.
Scene: The apartment. Penny and Sheldon are doing yoga.
Penny: And hold three, two, one. Very good. Now let’s try Warrior 2. And hold.
Sheldon: I’ve read that there are great yogis who have such mastery over their bodies they can draw water in through their genitals.
Penny: Yeah, well, I don’t think we’re gonna get to do that today.
Sheldon: Too bad. It seems like a good way to drink a milk shake without getting brain freeze.
Leonard: Oh, hey.
Penny: And now we go to Reverse Warrior.
Leonard: How did she get you to do yoga?
Sheldon: Well, to be honest, I thought she said Yoda.
Penny: I’m helping him relax because, unlike you, he supports me.
Leonard: Oh, how many times do I have to say it? I support you.
Penny: Sheldon, take a break.
Penny: Okay, if you support me, what was with that phone call?
Leonard: Fine. I’m not sure you should have quit. But if you care so much what I think, why didn’t you ask me before you did it?
Penny: Oh, so now I need your permission? Would you have asked me before you quit your job?
Leonard: Yes. I thought we were in the kind of relationship where we make decisions together. If I’m wrong, then maybe we need to talk about the kind of relationship we’re actually in.
Penny: Yeah, well, maybe we do.
Sheldon: I’m willing to if you guys are.
Leonard: Can we please have some privacy?
Sheldon: Y, No. I’m as much a part of this relationship as you two, and I think it’s high time we put all our cards on the table. For example, where is this going? Are you two ever getting married? And, if so, where will we all live? Have you thought about that?
Penny: Okay, wait. What are we doing?
Leonard: For some reason, we’re planning a future where we both live with Sheldon forever.
Sheldon: Good. Now we’re getting somewhere.
Penny: Look, I know you think I’m being reckless, and you might be right, but I need to take this shot.
Sheldon: Yeah, no kidding. Despite what it says on her résumé, she is no longer 22.
Leonard: I swear, I am on your side.
Penny: You keep saying you’re on my side, but you don’t act like it.
Sheldon: He does that to me, too. Why do we put up with it?
Leonard: Listen, I could never do what you’re doing, okay? I would be terrified.
Penny: Well, it’s scary for me, too.
Sheldon: I’m fine with it.
Leonard: My point is, just because I couldn’t do it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. And I’m proud of you.
Penny: Okay. Thank you.
Sheldon: Well, to celebrate this reconciliation, let’s all share a milk shake. Uh, Penny, you’ll need a straw.
Scene: Capital Comics.
Jesse: You’re back.
Bernadette: Yes, I am, there’s a few more things I want to say to you. Stuart’s store is just fine, and he’s a much nicer person than you are, and if you still have that comic, I’d like to buy it right now.
Jesse: No problem. Oh, you want a latte while you wait?
Bernadette: No, I don’t want a latte. I want a cappuccino and a blueberry scone.
Jesse: I only have chocolate chip.
Bernadette: Well, that sounds even better.
Scene: Bert’s car.
Bert: Thanks for coming to the mineral and rock show with me.
Raj: We’re sorry Amy didn’t want to go.
Howard: Really, really sorry.
Bert: Eh. Who needs her when I have you guys? Rock show! Rock show! Rock show! Rock show! Rock show! Rock show! Rock sho-o-o-o-o-ow!