Series 7 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation

Scene: The apartment.

Amy: Item 28, your pet name for me. Time’s running out on this. You need to make a decision.

Sheldon: I submitted you a notarised list.

Amy: I’m sorry, but Gollum and Flakey are not acceptable.

Sheldon: Well, you don’t like Princess Corncob, you don’t like Fester, you’re just impossible to please.

Amy: We’ll come back to that one. This brings us to the final item in our annual State of the Relationship Summit. Item 29, Valentine’s Day.

Sheldon: Ah, the worst for last. Hmm. Classic Flakey.

Amy: Before you get upset, I believe I’ve come up with a way for us to celebrate the occasion that we both can enjoy.

Sheldon: People usually start a meeting with a joke, but you go ahead, end with one.

Amy: I propose we spend a weekend at a bed-and-breakfast in Napa Valley.

Sheldon: I hate every word in that sentence. Including in, at, we and a.

Amy: Come on, Sheldon. Why not?

Sheldon: For starters, a bed-and-breakfast forces you to eat with strangers at your table.

Amy: One step ahead of you, Bernadette and Wolowitz are going with us.

Sheldon: Oh, very well. What are the sleeping arrangements? We’ve only been dating for three years. If we were to share a room, people might talk.

Amy: I got you your own room.

Sheldon: What if my room has a claw-foot bathtub?

Amy: It doesn’t. I know it makes you feel like you’re bathing inside a monster.

Sheldon: Look, I appreciate the effort, but I’m still unclear how this trip is supposed to be enjoyable for me.

Amy: We’re going to have Valentine’s Day dinner on a fully functioning vintage train.

Sheldon: Vintage? Be specific.

Amy: An Alcoa FA-4 diesel locomotive leading a train of meticulously restored 1915 Pullman first-class coaches.

Sheldon: Wow. I’m feeling the urge to hug you. And one, and two, all right, Gollum, we’re good.

Credits sequence.

Scene: The apartment.

Bernadette: Are you sure you guys don’t want to come with us to Napa? You could probably still get a room.

Penny: No, I think we’re just gonna have a quiet weekend at home.

Leonard: Plus, I’m not sure it’s a great idea to take Penny to where wine comes from. What? It’s a joke. Oh, come on. We bust on each other. I wear dorky glasses, you might have a problem, it’s all for laughs.

Penny: That would really piss me off if I didn’t have a buzz going on.

Sheldon: Howard, which pocket watch will you be wearing for dinner on the train?

Howard: I’m sorry, what?

Sheldon: Oh, I’m afraid if we wear the same pocket watch, it will be embarrassing.

Howard: I don’t own a pocket watch.

Sheldon: Oh, my. Well, then my apologies for bringing up this sore spot.

Raj: Since you two are gonna be around for Valentine’s, would you mind watching Cinnamon?

Penny: You have Valentine’s plans? Which came out sounding way more surprised than I meant. Here, let me try that again. You have Valent… See? I can’t do it.

Raj: I don’t have plans which is why I booked time on the big telescope that night.

Amy: Well, an evening looking at the stars, that’s still kind of romantic.

Raj: Except I’ll be alone.

Amy: I’m trying to put lipstick on a pig here. Work with me.

Leonard: We’d be happy to watch Cinnamon.

Penny: Yeah.

Raj: Thank you. Oh, and I’d like for at least one of us to see some action, so if you guys happen to have sex, it’s cool if she stays in the room.

Penny: Hey, same goes for the two of you with Amy.

Scene: The Pullman dining car.

Amy: What do you think, Sheldon?

Sheldon: It’s magnificent. This is going to be the best Valentine’s Day ever.

Amy: I’m so glad you like it.

Sheldon: I’m prepared to say I love it, as soon as I confirm there are no hobos aboard.

Scene: The apartment.

Leonard (on phone): Okay. Raj, I got it. Bye. (To Cinnamon) That was your daddy. He wanted me to say that he misses… Why am I doing this?

Penny: Happy Valentine’s Day.

Leonard: Ooh, flowers and chocolates? Somebody’s trying to get me out of my panties.

Penny: Don’t be surprised if you find five chocolates missing and three gross coconut ones with a bite taken out. It came that way when I bought it.

Leonard: Got you a little something, too.

Penny: Aw, jewellery. Oh, my God, Lakers tickets?

Leonard: It gets better. Instead of me, you can take someone who will actually enjoy it.

Penny: Aw. You are the best boyfriend ever.

Leonard: Thank you. Seriously, please don’t make me go.

Penny: Should we take this little party to the bedroom?

Leonard: Mm, don’t have to, we have the whole place to ourselves.

Penny: Oh, that’s true.

Leonard: In fact, if you want, we can do it right here on Sheldon’s spot.

Penny: That is the least sexy thing anyone’s ever said to me.

Leonard: To the bedroom.

Penny: Yeah.

Scene: The dining car.

Waiter: And for the entrée, tonight’s special is a seafood risotto. Do you have any questions?

Sheldon: Uh, I do. Uh, does this train car have the original link-and-pin coupler or the Miller Hook and Platform?

Waiter: I’m sorry, I meant questions about the food.

Sheldon: Oh, of course. Um, is the seafood risotto being served on a train car with the original link-and-pin coupler or the Miller Hook and Platform?

Amy: Uh, I think we’re gonna need a minute.

Man in seat behind: Fun fact, it’s neither. They actually use the AAR type E coupler. If you listen carefully when the locomotive disconnects, you’ll hear the characteristic click-pshht-thunk of the knuckle.

Sheldon: Get out of town.

Howard: Fun fact, I’m gonna jump off this train.

Scene: The apartment.

Leonard: Hey, Cinnamon, guess who just did it human style.

Penny: Oh, my God.

Leonard: It’s a little late, but I’ll take it.

Penny: No, Cinnamon ate the chocolates. That’s really bad for dogs.

Leonard: Oh, crap. What are we gonna do?

Penny: We gotta get her to a vet right now.

Leonard: I don’t have a vet. I have a podiatrist, an optometrist, an allergist, a dermatologist, a urologist. You’d think I’d have a vet.

Penny: Okay. There’s one not far from here. Come on. Let’s go.

Leonard: Okay. Koothrappali was right. We should have let her watch.

Scene: The dining car.

Sheldon: Do another one, do another one.

Man: Okay. Here’s my impression of the Amtrak Acela barreling down the Eastern Corridor. Wch-wch-wch-wch-shhhh. Wch-wch-wch-wch-shhhh. Wch-wch-wch-wch-shhhh.

Sheldon: It’s like there’s a train in your mouth. Howard: Oh, yeah. I’ve got one. Um, the Amtrak Wolverine coming into Chicago. Bwch-wch-wch-wch-wch-wch, bwch-wch-wch-wch-wch-wch. Ooo-ooo.

Man: I’ve been on that train. And I just was again.

Amy: See if you guys can guess this one. Bang. Splat. Thud.

Sheldon: How many trains have you been on?

Man: Tons. A box fell on my head at UPS six years ago. Now I just collect disability and ride trains.

Sheldon: Wow. Your life’s amazing.

Man: Not always. A box fell on my head at UPS six years ago. Now I just collect disability and ride trains.

Amy: Why do I even try?

Bernadette: I’m gonna fix this right now.

Howard: Okay. Just make it look like an accident.

Bernadette: Excuse me. You are at Valentine’s dinner with your girlfriend. Now get back over there and be with her.

Sheldon: You’re right. That was insensitive of me. I have to go back to my table now. You should join us.

Man: All right.

Bernadette: Great. Now there’s two of ’em.

Scene: A vet’s surgery.

Lady Vet: How much chocolate did she eat?

Penny: A whole box.

Leonard: Well, to be fair, you ate a lot of it before you gave it to me.

Penny: So the point is I may have saved her life.

Vet: I’m sorry, is this a joke to you?

Leonard: No. Maybe to her.

Vet: How big a box of chocolate was it?

Penny: Uh, something like this. I don’t know. It came free with a full tank of gas.

Leonard: Really? Do you know how much those Lakers tickets were?

Penny: Do you know how much gas is?

Vet: Hey.

Penny: Sorry.

Leonard: Sorry.

Raj: Oh, my God, Cinnamon, are you okay? I can’t believe you two. You do whatever it takes to save her life. If she needs new organs, I’ll buy any dog necessary and scrap them for parts.

Vet: You’re the owner?

Raj: Owner, father, soul mate, and if anything happens to her, your worst nightmare.

Vet: Well, she’s not throwing up, which is a good sign. So, I’m gonna take her in back, put her on fluids and give her something to absorb the toxins.

Raj: Okay. Okay, thank you. Oh, if she’s scared, you can sing to her. She likes Katy Perry. Oh, but don’t do Firework, that gets her all riled up.

Vet: Got it. Should have been a dentist.

Scene: The dining car.

Man: Okay, what was the best four-ten-four U.S. Locomotive ever built?

Sheldon: Trick question. There never was one.

Man: Or was there?

Sheldon: What?

Man: In 1944, the Pacific Railroad built number 6131, which rearranged the drivers and cylinders, solving the problem of the Q-1, creating a duplex-drive four-four-six-four.

Sheldon: In what world is a four-four-six-four a four-ten-four?

Howard: A world I don’t want to live in. Seriously, I no longer want to live in this world.

Man: Hold on to your conductor’s hat. You crank the second and third axles, creating a pair of internal connecting rods, and boom, four-ten-four. If you think about it, the Q-2 was like the four-ten-four America never made.

Sheldon: I may never stop thinking about it. Amy, what are the odds we run into this guy?

Waiter: Better than you think.

Man: You know, if you ask nicely, they’ll let you visit the engine room.

Sheldon: I never want this day to end.

Amy: It’s feeling like it never will.

Sheldon: Come on.

Man: Hey, did I tell you what happened to me at UPS?

Scene: The vets surgery.

Raj: As if Valentine’s Day wasn’t bad enough, you try to kill my dog? And with cheap chocolate, no less?

Penny: It wasn’t cheap. It was free.

Leonard: We’re really sorry. It was an accident.

Penny: Yeah, we weren’t even out of the room that long.

Leonard: Oh, no, come on. It was a while. It was a while.

Raj: Oh, is Cinnamon gonna be okay?

Vet: She’s responding well. We just want to keep her a little longer for observation.

Raj: All right. Uh, would, would it be okay for me to see her? We’re usually in bed by now, and I want her to know that I’m here. Yes, we sleep together, and sometimes we spoon.

Vet: It’s okay. I sleep with my dog, too. We’re not supposed to let people in back, but I think I can make an exception.

Raj: Thank you.

Vet: Come on. By the way, I sang her Katy Perry.

Raj: Oh, yeah?

Vet: And I don’t care what that obnoxious parrot back there says. I crushed it.

Penny: I think there’s something going on between the two of them.

Leonard: Maybe, but you also think nine minutes isn’t a while, so what do you know?

Scene: The dining car.

Howard: You okay?

Amy: Why? Because my boyfriend’s off playing choo-choo with some weirdo?

Howard: Well, to be fair, they’re both weirdos.

Amy: I don’t know what made me think tonight would be any different.

Bernadette: Well, just the fact that you got him up here still says a lot. To be honest, I bet Howie 200

bucks it wasn’t gonna happen.

Howard: I’m going to the Lego store to get a big-ass R2-D2.

Bernadette: See? It’s not just Sheldon. They’re all idiots.

Howard: She’s right.

Bernadette: So, your boyfriend’s a fixer-upper. Most of them are. I mean, look at this guy. You think he came like this? When I met him, he was a hot, goofy mess. Now, he’s been to space. That’s all me.

Howard: I had a little to do with it.

Bernadette: Oh, sure you did. Who’s Mama’s big space man?

Howard: I am.

Scene: The vets surgery.

Leonard: They’ve been in there, like, half an hour.

Penny: Yeah, for future reference, that’s a while.

Leonard: How long should we stay?

Penny: I don’t know. I’m kind of hungry.

Leonard: I saw a Thai place next door.

Penny: Oh. Okay. Oh. Oh. Hey.

Leonard: How’s she doing?

Penny: How is everything?

Leonard: Yeah.

Raj: She’s gonna be okay; they’re gonna let me take her home.

Penny: Oh, good.

Vet: So I want you to keep a close eye on her for the next 24 hours. Here are a few warning signs to look out for, and if you see any of them, don’t hesitate to call.

Raj: Oh. Thank you for taking such good care of my little girl.

Vet: My pleasure. Have a nice night.

Leonard: Yes, thank you for all your help.

Penny: Yeah. I’m sorry if you didn’t think we were taking it seriously. We love animals.

Vet: Oh, do you guys own any pets?

Penny: No.

Vet: Good.

Scene: The dining car.

Howard: I love you so much.

Bernadette: I love you, too.

Howard: Sorry.

Bernadette: Sorry.

Man: You guys missed a pretty great time.

Sheldon: The conductor and I have the same pocket watch.

Man: It was crazy.

Sheldon: Dare I say loco? Oh, and, Amy, guess what? The conductor said as soon as he gets off work, he can come back to the bed and breakfast and play his banjo for us.

Amy: Okay. I need to speak to my boyfriend in private, like, right now.

Howard: There’s a car with a glass roof. Want to go look at the stars?

Bernadette: Oh, that sounds so romantic.

Amy: Oh, give it a rest.

Bernadette: Let’s go.

Amy: Why are you still here?

Sheldon: Excuse me. I think you’re being a little rude.

Amy: I’m being rude? You’ve been rude to me this entire evening.

Sheldon: How is that possible? I’ve hardly spoken to you since we got on the train.

Man: I’m detecting a little friction between you two, and I don’t want to be a third rail. Get it?

Sheldon: I get it.

Amy: Leave.

Sheldon: What is your problem?

Amy: It’s Valentine’s Day. We’re supposed to be having a romantic weekend.

Sheldon: Oh, really? Because I remember you saying that this trip was going to be something we could both enjoy. Did you mean that, or were you just trying to trick me?

Amy: Fine, it’s true. I deserve romance, and I didn’t know how else to make it happen.

Sheldon: Well, if you want romance, then let’s have romance. Oh, look, there’s wine. Mmm. Grape juice that burns. Uh, now let’s gaze into each other’s eyes, hmm? You blinked. I win.

Amy: Sheldon.

Sheldon: Let’s see. What’s next? Oh, kissing’s romantic.

Amy: That was nice.

Sheldon: Good. Um, the conductor said if I come back to the engine room, he’d show me how to bring the train through a crossing.

Amy: Okay, have fun.

Sheldon: Do you want to come with me?

Amy: Really? I do.

Man: Hey, guys, wait up.

Scene: Raj’s apartment.

Raj: There you go. All cozy wozy. Here, let’s see what the doctor says to keep an eye out for. Hmm. Rajesh, I was dreading Valentine’s Day. Thank you for spending it with me. Yvette. Cinnamon, she-she gave me her phone number. If I’d known it was that easy, I would have considered poisoning you months ago. Oh, what should I say? Oh, I know. I’ll point out her name’s Yvette, and that she’s a vet. That’s hysterical. She’ll love it.

Scene: The apartment.

Sheldon: Hello.

Leonard: Oh, hey. You’re back. How was your trip?

Sheldon: It was wonderful.

Leonard: Great. What did you do?

Sheldon: I made a new friend who likes trains as much as I do, uh, I kissed Amy on the lips, and, uh, the conductor played his banjo for me. Good night.

Leonard: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I’m gonna need more details.

Sheldon: Oh, well, my new friend’s name was Eric. Um, Amy lips tasted like the brownie we had for dessert. Oh, and the banjo-playing conductor was missing a finger, but he made up for it with his can-do attitude.

Leonard: No, hang on. Hang on. Are all those things equal to you?

Sheldon: Hmm. It never occurred to me to pick a favourite.

Leonard: Well, give it a go.

Sheldon: I can’t answer that without collecting additional data.

Leonard: Additional data. You dog.

Sheldon: I’m not sure how listening to other nine-fingered banjo players makes me dog, but all right.

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