Series 7 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption

Scene: The cafeteria.

Leonard: I got to tell you, the more I read about the primordial gravity wave discovery, the more excited I get.

Raj: I know. Being an astrophysicist right now is like being a rock star.

Howard: Only without the sex.

Raj: Yeah, literally, none of it.

Leonard: What do you think about it, Sheldon?

Sheldon: Meh.

Raj: Are you kidding me? This may be the biggest scientific breakthrough of our lifetime. How can you, as a theoretical physicist, not care about this?

Sheldon: Maybe it’s because I’m not an elitist. What I’d like to know is, how does this gravity wave breakthrough help the man on the street? You know? Who’s looking out for Joe six-pack and all his quantum physics concerns?

Leonard: Oh, my God, you’re jealous.

Sheldon: Why would I be jealous?

Leonard: Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because the origin of the universe just got proven, the Higgs field just got proven, and you’ve been working on string theory for the last 20 years and you’re no closer to proving it than when you started.

Sheldon: Yeah, well, I’ve had a lot on my plate. We happen to live in a golden age of television.

Barry: Excuse me, fewwas. Sowwy for eavesdwopping, but there actually was some big stwing theowy news today out of the Hadwon Cowwider.

Sheldon: Really? Did they find evidence to support extra dimensions or supersymmetry?

Barry: No, but they did find evidence that you’ll bewieve anything.

Sheldon: Why would you do that? You’re a string theorist as well.

Barry: Incowwect. I am a stwing pwagmatist. I say I’m gonna pwove something that cannot be pwoved, I appwy for gwant money, and then I spend it on wiquor and bwoads. Water.

Sheldon: Do you think he’s right? Am I wasting my life on a theory that can never be proven?

Howard: Maybe. But how great is Game of Thrones?

Credits sequence.

Scene: The apartment.

Penny: Hey, you’re up early.

Sheldon: I couldn’t sleep.

Penny: I told you those Walking Dead pillowcases were a bad idea.

Sheldon: No, that’s not it.

Penny: Is something bothering you?

Sheldon: Yes, but you wouldn’t understand.

Penny: Oh, come on, try me.

Sheldon: All right. I’ve devoted the prime of my life to string theory and its quest for the compactification of extra dimensions. I’ve got nothing to show for it, and I feel like a fool.

Penny: Okay. I get it. I mean, not all the jibberjabber in the middle, but I know what it’s like to put your heart and soul into something and get nothing out of it.

Sheldon: You mean your acting career?

Penny: No.

Sheldon: Your relationship with Leonard?

Penny: No.

Sheldon: Your failed attempt to go back to college?

Penny: No. I’m saying you and string theory sound like a relationship, and I know what it’s like to be in one and realize it’s never gonna turn out the way you want.

Sheldon: I said Leonard, you said no.

Penny: I’m talking about other guys.

Sheldon: Okay. Well, what do you do?

Penny: You have to have the courage to end the relationship. You know? Break it off, shake hands, walk away.

Sheldon: I don’t know if I can do that.

Penny: I know it’s hard, honey, but in the end, that’s how you grow.

Leonard: Penny, have you seen my good inhaler?

Sheldon: Break it off, shake hands, walk away.

Scene: The cafeteria.

Leonard: Hey, how’s dating two women going?

Raj: Um, kind of hit a bump. When I was honest and told Emily she wasn’t the only person I was seeing, it went great. So I tried the same thing with Lucy.

Howard: And?

Raj: She had mixed feelings. But when I said, Emily was cool with it. Emily’s the best. Why can’t you

be more like Emily? Those feelings became less mixed.

Leonard: Women. Who knows what’ll set ’em off?

Raj: At least now I can focus all my energies on just one girl.

Howard: I hope I get to meet her as soon as possible.

Raj: Why the rush? She isn’t going anywhere.

Howard: She is. But I like that attitude.

Sheldon: Gentlemen, is anybody interested in my old string theory books?

Raj: You’re really going to do this?

Sheldon: I am. Yeah, Penny pointed out that what I’m going through is essentially a breakup. And according to Cosmopolitan magazine, one of the most effective techniques for moving on is to get rid of all reminders of the relationship.

Howard: You’re reading Cosmo?

Sheldon: Yes. As it turns out, there’s an article on how to get over a breakup in literally every issue. Anyway, it suggests that I set these on fire, but the smell of burning books reminds me of church picnics in East Texas.

Howard: What’s this?

Sheldon: Oh, that’s just a doodle of a hyperelliptic Riemann surface.

Leonard: Oh, yeah. Wasn’t that the basis of your postdoc fellowship?

Sheldon: It was. This seemed so elegant at the time, but now I realize I was just a simple country boy seduced by a big city theory with variables in all the right places.

Raj: It’s going to be okay.

Sheldon: I know. As hard as this is, I have to move on. I can’t keep postulating multidimensional entities and get nothing in return. I have needs, too.

Howard: So, you and Emily still together?

Scene: Raj’s apartment.

Howard: I spoke to Bernadette. She’s free tomorrow night.

Raj: Oh, okay, great. But if we’re really gonna do a double date, then we have to go over some ground rules about Emily.

Howard: Like when it turns out she’s made of rubber, I don’t say anything?

Raj: She’s very real.

Howard: Oh, that’s what it says on the box. Right next to dishwasher safe.

Raj: See? This is exactly the kind of thing I’m worried about you saying in front of her.

Howard: I promise I’ll be on my best behaviour.

Raj: You better be. No jokes about how close I am with my dog. Or the truth about how close I am with my dog.

Howard: You got it.

Raj: No jokes about the year I took ballet.

Howard: You took ballet?

Raj: God, you never listen.

Scene: The apartment.

Leonard: Are you sure you want to do this?

Sheldon: The magazine articles suggest that one of the ways to get over a breakup is a new look.

Leonard: What about your old look, well-groomed ventriloquist doll?

Penny (treating Sheldon as a ventriloquist doll): Oh my God, I do look like that.

Sheldon: You stop it.

Penny: So, how do you want me to cut it?

Sheldon: Oh, how about Bill Gates meets Nikola Tesla?

Leonard: So, business in the front, science in the back.

Penny: Or I don’t cut it and maybe just style it a little.

Sheldon: Oh, I’m in your hands. Do a good job and I’ll tell you Cosmo’s ten dynamite tips to enjoy your PMS.

Penny: Can you keep him quiet? Maybe jangle some keys in front of him?

Leonard: That doesn’t work any more. He just thinks I’m taking him to the doctor. So, now that you’re no longer invested in string theory, what are you gonna pursue?

Sheldon: Oh, there are so many exciting areas. Black holes, dark matter.

Penny: Oh, Leonard was telling me about dark matter, but I didn’t really understand it.

Sheldon: Don’t feel bad. Neither does he.

Penny: Okay, what do you think?

Sheldon: Have you ever even seen a picture of Tesla?

Leonard: It actually looks good, Sheldon.

Penny: Doesn’t it?

Leonard: Yeah.

Sheldon: I suppose I could see myself in a scientific boy band. Of course, I’d be the dreamy one and the smart one.

Amy: Sorry I’m late. What did you do?

Penny: I gave him a new look. It’s cute, huh?

Amy: Yeah, it’s cute. That’s the problem. I don’t need other girls to see him walking around like sex on a stick.

Sheldon: She’s right. I’m too hot.

Scene: A restaurant.

Bernadette: I’m excited to meet Emily.

Howard: Me, too. I just hope he doesn’t blow it.

Bernadette: Why would you say that?

Howard: Because he’s Raj, that’s his thing. Beckham can bend it, Ralph can wreck it, Raj can blow it. Look, I don’t want it to happen, but odds are he’s gonna find a way to… Oh, crap, I know that girl.

Bernadette: How?

Howard: In a bad way, very bad.

Raj: Hey, guys.

Howard: Whatever you hear tonight, just remember I love you. Hey.

Raj: Emily, these are my good friends, Howard and Bernadette. Guys, this is Emily.

Emily: Nice to meet you.

Bernadette: Hi.

Emily: Have we met before?

Howard: Uh, no. I, I don’t, I don’t think so.

Emily: You sure? You look familiar.

Howard: Well, you sure don’t. You I know, you I know, you? Total stranger. Even if you had yummy candy, I would not get in your van.

Emily: Did you go to that spin class on Green Street?

Howard: That must be it.

Raj: Since when do you go to spin class?

Howard: Wow. Now who doesn’t listen?

Scene: The apartment.

Amy: Sheldon, your food’s getting cold. What are you doing?

Sheldon: Oh, looking through my textbooks for a new field of inquiry. Why do we have a geology book? Leonard, did you throw a children’s party while I was in Texas?

Penny: Wait. What’s wrong with geology?

Sheldon: Let me put this in a way you’ll understand, Penny. You remember how you explained to me that the Kardashians aren’t real celebrities? Well, geology is the Kardashians of science.

Sheldon: Have you considered studying standard model physics?

Sheldon: You want me to give up string theory for something that’s less advanced? You know, why don’t you break up with Penny and start dating a brown bear?

Penny: Like you could get a brown bear.

Leonard: Hey, I’ve got a good job. I could buy salmon. You don’t know.

Amy: Maybe you could make your new field of study the calculation of nuclear matrix elements.

Sheldon: Oh, please. If I wanted to take up a fad, I’d get a tramp stamp.

Leonard: What about loop quantum gravity?

Sheldon: Oh, Duchess, look at me. My quantum gravity’s positively loopy.

Penny: Who’s the duchess?

Leonard: One of the people that lives in his head.

Amy: I hope he’s this distraught if he ever breaks up with me.

Leonard: Well, if he does, I’ll see if my bear has a friend.

Penny: Sheldon, have you ever considered not rushing into something new? I mean, why don’t you take your time, enjoy your freedom? Maybe something new to study will find you.

Sheldon: That’s actually not bad advice. You know, I didn’t seek out string theory. It just hit me over the head one day.

Amy: How does that happen?

Sheldon: A bully chased me through the school library and hit me over the head with the biggest book he could find.

Penny: Okay, how about we toast your newfound freedom?

Sheldon: Ah, normally I refrain from alcohol, but since my cerebral cortex is twiddling its proverbial thumbs, why not soak it in grape juice that’s been predigested by a fungus?

Penny: And you wonder why other children beat you with books. Cheers!

Scene: The restaurant.

Bernadette: Emily, what do you do?

Emily: I’m a dermatology resident at Huntington Hospital.

Raj: Mmm, and you know what that means. Someone’s skin’s about to be softer than ever.

Emily: This is making me crazy. I know I know you from somewhere.

Raj: Oh, uh, Howard was an astronaut. Maybe that’s where you saw him.

Emily: Wow. That’s amazing. What was that like?

Howard: It was the most incredible experience of my life. Up there in the space station, you’re…

Emily: Oh, my God, I remember.

Howard: Can I finish my astronaut story?

Emily: It was four years ago.

Howard: Please don’t say it.

Emily: We were set up on a blind date.

Howard: Please don’t say it.

Emily: You came to my apartment.

Howard: You’re saying it.

Raj: Wh, what happened?

Bernadette: Yeah, what happened?

Howard: Okay, I’ll say it. I was on the way to pick her up. My stomach felt a little funny. When I got there, I asked if I could use her bathroom.

Bernadette: Please don’t say it.

Howard: One roll of toilet paper and 20 minutes later, I was so humiliated, I snuck out the window and never saw her again.

Emily: You know what else I never saw again, my security deposit.

Howard: I’m sorry. I tried to unclog it, but you didn’t have a plunger, and water was spilling out everywhere.

Emily: Right, just water.

Howard: Look, I have felt terrible about this for years, and I’m glad I have the opportunity to tell you just how sorry I am.

Emily: It’s fine. All my friends love this story. They call you Clogzilla.

Raj: Get it? Because you clogged up her bathroom like a radioactive monster!

Howard: Yeah, yeah, I get it.

Bernadette: Howie.

Howard: Well, hey, it’s not like cotton candy comes out of you.

Scene: The apartment.

Amy: Come on, let’s get you to bed. You’ve had a lot to drink.

Sheldon: No more than Penny.

Amy: That’s what I’m saying.

Sheldon: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. (Knock, knock, knock) Empty room. (Knock, knock, knock) Empty room. (Knock, knock, knock) Empty room. If somebody says come in, I’m gonna freak out.

Scene: The restaurant.

Bernadette: So, Emily, why did you decide to specialize in dermatology?

Emily: I like cutting people with knives, and all the other jobs where you get to do that are illegal.

Bernadette: You’re kidding, right?

Raj: She’s scary, but it’s a cute scary.

Howard: Can I say just one more thing? I had some kind of food poisoning that day. Sure, in retrospect, gas station sushi, maybe not the best choice. Nor was climbing out your window and running away. But I think we can all understand how humiliating that was, and I’d really appreciate it if we could move on.

Bernadette: Howie, we moved on a long time ago.

Howard: I’m just saying…

Bernadette: We moved on.

Howard: Okay. Fine.

Bernadette: How’s your soup?

Howard: Ah, it’s all right. They could’ve filled the bowl a little more. Excuse me.

Bernadette: Where are you going?

Howard: I need some fresh air.

Emily: Been there.

Scene: Sheldon, waking up in bed next to a Geology book.

Sheldon: Oh, no. What have I done?

Scene: The apartment.

Leonard: How you feeling?

Sheldon: Not so good.

Leonard: Are you gonna introduce me to your friend?

Sheldon: It’s not my friend. Nothing happened.

Leonard: I don’t know. I heard you reading pretty loud last night.

Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord. Where’s Amy?

Leonard: After she put you to bed, she went home.

Sheldon: Oh. I should call her and apologize. Oh, no.

Leonard: What?

Sheldon: Apparently, I called Stephen Hawking last night.

Scene: Stephen Hawking’s office.

Answerphone: First new message.

Sheldon (voice): Hawkman. It’s your old buddy Sheldonoscopy. How come you didn’t pick up the phone? Oh, right. My bad.

Scene: The cafeteria..

Howard: You’re awful quiet. Everything okay?

Sheldon: Not really. I had a bit of an embarrassing evening.

Howard: Ugh. Me, too. What happened?

Sheldon: I drank alcohol and may have left an unfortunate voice mail for Stephen Hawking.

Howard: I wouldn’t worry about it. He’s got a pretty good sense of humour.

Sheldon: Oh, I hope so. What happened to you last night?

Howard: Oh, well, turns out I’d already met the girl Raj is seeing when I did a number on her bathroom. And that number was two.

Sheldon: Well, you know, I’ve always been a fan of a story told by Attar of Nishapur, about a king who assembled a group of wise men to create a ring that would make him happy when he was sad. And that ring was inscribed with the phrase, this too shall pass.

Barry: Hey, Cooper. I heard you dwunk-dialed Stephen Hawking last night? Classic.

Howard: Get out of here, Barry.

Barry: Whatever you say, Cwogziwwa.

Sheldon: Clogzilla. That’s pretty funny. I don’t think that’s gonna pass.

Scene: Stephen Hawking’s office.

Answerphone: Next message.

Sheldon (voice): It’s me again. I gave up string theory. You should give up black holes, and we can totally solve crimes together.

Answerphone: Next message.

Sheldon (voice): Do you know what’s great? Geology. Oh. Look at this geode. That’s fun to say. Gee-ode. Gee-ode.

Answerphone: Next message.

Sheldon (voice): Gee-ode. Gee-ode. I kiss girls now.

Answerphone: Next message.

Sheldon (voice): Hey, guess who I am. Beep bop boop bop. I’m you. Get it?

Answerphone: Next message.

Sheldon (voice): Are you mad at me? Oh, no, you’re mad at me. I’m so sorry. Beep bop boop bop.

Answerphone: Next message.

Sheldon (voice): Thiospinel sulfide. Thiospinel sulfide. That’s even more fun than gee-ode. Hey, did you see The Lego Movie?

Stephen Hawking: What a jackass.

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