Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion

Scene: The Apartment.

Leonard: How’s your mom holding up?

Howard: She’s doing okay, but we just lost another nurse.

Amy: How many is that now?

Howard: Two, and I know what you’re thinking, she’s eating them.

Bernadette: She’s just so impossible, they keep quitting.

Sheldon: So, who’s watching her now?

Howard: A bowl full of M&M’s with a few Ambien tossed in.

Raj: What up, guys?

All: Hello, hey!

Leonard: Okay. Well, now that everyone’s here, Penny and I have some big news. We’re engaged.

General cheering and congratulations.

Raj: And I thought me having sex with Emily was gonna be the big news.

General cheering and congratulations.

Leonard: Hey, hey, what the hell?

Bernadette: You guys propose all the time. This never happens.

Penny: You’re right! Yay!

Credits sequence.

Scene: The cafeteria.

Raj: Boy, I’m so hungry today. I wonder why?

Howard: Because you had sex the other night?

Raj: You know what? That may be it. By the way, it isn’t like riding a bike. Like, I fell off a few times.

Leonard: Hey, buddy.

Sheldon: Hello.

Leonard: You okay?

Sheldon: I just got called into President Siebert’s office. The university won’t let me switch my field of study to inflationary cosmology. They’re forcing me to continue with string theory.

Howard: Why?

Sheldon: He said it’s why they hired me, it’s, it’s what my grant was designated for, and that everybody has to do things they don’t want to do. He then gave an example of something he had to do, even though he didn’t want to, which was look at my stupid face.

Leonard: That’s a rude thing to say, out loud.

Sheldon: It’s an outrage. Honestly, I’m tempted to leave the university.

Howard: You know, if you’re really serious about that, I hear there are some exciting opportunities in home care for the old and fat.

Leonard: Whatever you do, just don’t make any rash decisions.

Sheldon: I don’t know. I am really aggravated.

Raj: When I’m feeling low, I have sex with a girl. But that’s just me.

Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s house.

Howard: Oh, come on, give her a chance.

Nurse: No. Life, it is too short.

Bernadette: I know you’ve only been here a day and a half, but you’re like part of the family. I don’t think the service is gonna send any more people.

Howard: Yeah, maybe it’s time we just release Ma back into the sea.

Bernadette: That’s not helpful.

Howard: Well, then, we may need to get used to the idea that we’re gonna be living here the next few months.

Bernadette: But we have jobs. We can’t baby-sit her 24 hours a day.

Howard: Well, what if we use our vacation time?

Bernadette: I wanted to go to Hawaii, not hell.

Howard: I don’t know what else we can do.

Bernadette: Howie, I love you, and as your wife, your mother is every bit as much my problem as she is yours, so, I want a divorce.

Scene: The apartment.

Mrs Hofstadter (on webcam): Hello, Leonard.

Leonard: Hi, Mom. I have some exciting news.

Mrs Hofstadter: I’m listening.

Leonard: Before I tell you, will you promise to try and be happy for me and keep any concerns you have to yourself?

Mrs Hofstadter: No. Let me save you all of your hemming and hawing. Sheldon already told me that you and Penny are engaged.

Leonard: I hate that you talk to him more than you talk to me.

Mrs Hofstadter: Would you like for you and me to talk more?

Leonard: You know what? It’s probably fine.

Mrs Hofstadter: In any event, while I’ve had my misgivings about Penny, Sheldon spoke very fondly of her, and if she is good enough for him, then she’s good enough for me.

Leonard: I’m your son. What about the fact that she’s good enough for me?

Mrs Hofstadter: Sure.

Leonard: Thanks, Mom.

Mrs Hofstadter: Leonard, would it make you feel better to hear that your mother approved of your life choices?

Leonard: Yes, it would.

Mrs Hofstadter: Yeah. Well, you should work on that.

Scene: Penny’s apartment.

Penny (on phone): No, Mom, it’s the same guy I’ve been going out with for the past two years. Yeah, the scientist. Well, it’s complicated. I mean, he works with lasers and atomic magnets. No, I did not see it coming. No, we did not set a date. No, I am not pregnant. Yeah, this is a first for our family. All right, tell Dad I love him. I gotta go. All right, bye.

Amy: Atomic magnets?

Penny: Shut up.

Bernadette: Sorry I’m late. The leaf blower broke, so I had to hand-dry my mother-in-law.

Penny: You want some wine?

Bernadette: Thanks. Little warning before you jump into this marriage business. You’re not just marrying him, you’re marrying his family.

Penny: I think Leonard’s mom’s okay with me.

Bernadette: It doesn’t matter if she’s okay with you. The question is, can she go to the bathroom by herself? Hit me again.

Amy: So, what are the living arrangements gonna be?

Penny: Well, haven’t really talked about it yet, but I figure at some point, I’ll move in with him, or he’ll move in with me.

Amy: Well, with you not working, that makes financial sense.

Bernadette: You’re not working. How would you like a job in home health care?

Penny: Not a chance.

Bernadette: Please. I’m desperate.

Penny: No.

Bernadette: I’ll pay you anything you want.

Penny: Okay, then, yeah.

Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s house.

Penny: No, keep your money.

Bernadette: I could’ve ridden a bull longer than that.

Scene: The apartment.

Leonard: What you working on?

Sheldon: I’m writing an appeal to the Faculty Senate, so that I can move on from string theory.

Leonard: Oh. How’s it going?

Sheldon: You tell me. Dear Esteemed Colleagues, as you may know, I have requested to change my field of study. My decision to do so is, I believe, in the best interest of science. At your convenience, I’d be happy to explain it to you in words you’ll understand.

Leonard: It’s nice that you called them esteemed.

Sheldon: You’re right. I’ll take that out.

Leonard: So, listen, there was something I was hoping to float past you.

Sheldon: Mm.

Leonard: Now that Penny and I are engaged, I thought we might want to talk about our living arrangements.

Sheldon: Of course. She’s spent many nights here, and you’re worried about preserving the myth of her virginity before the wedding.

Leonard: I’m not.

Sheldon: Good, because not only has that ship sailed, if it hit an iceberg, countless men would perish.

Leonard: Actually, this is about where she and I are going to live.

Sheldon: What do you mean?

Leonard: Well, well, we might want to live together.

Sheldon: Oh, yeah, well, I’ve already given this some thought, and I’m willing to let Penny live with us one day a week for a trial period. Now, obviously, not when she’s made cranky by the shedding of her uterine lining.

Leonard: That’s very sweet. But we were thinking more of us maybe living together with… not you.

Sheldon: I don’t understand. How could we all live together if I’m not there?

Leonard: Look, I, I know this is, this is change, and that sounds scary.

Sheldon: Where are you going to go?

Leonard: I don’t know. We just started to think about this. Maybe I’ll move in with Penny, or maybe she and I’ll take this place, and you can move across the hall.

Sheldon: Move across the hall? Did you take a marijuana?

Leonard: No, I did not.

Sheldon: Did you get hit on the head with a coconut?

Leonard: No.

Sheldon: Well, then, I’m all out of guesses. What? Me move across the hall. Why would you even suggest such a thing?

Leonard: Because I love Penny, and want to give her the life she deserves.

Sheldon: I see. You’re putting your future bride’s happiness above mine.

Leonard: Well, yeah.

Sheldon: Wow.

Scene: Amy’s apartment.

Sheldon: How dare the university force me to go back to string theory?

Amy: They just don’t appreciate you.

Sheldon: Yeah, and on top of that, Leonard has the audacity to suggest that now that he and Penny are engaged, he may not want to live with me any more.

Amy: Here, I made you some Strawberry Quik.

Sheldon: I have real problems here, Amy. I can’t be mollified with a beverage designed for children. Mmm, yummy.

Amy: You know, this might work out for the best. I mean, you’re always complaining about what a terrible roommate Leonard is. Like how he turns up the thermostat when you’re not there.

Sheldon: Ugh, it’s like walking into the Amazon. And not the good Amazon with one-day shipping. The awful one with birds and snakes.

Amy: You hate the sound of all those keys on his key chain.

Sheldon: Four keys! Who does he think he is, a warden?

Amy: See? Maybe you’ll love living alone.

Sheldon: I don’t know. Perhaps.

Amy: And if it turns out you don’t, you and I could live together.

Sheldon: You and… oh, sure, and while we’re at it, why don’t we get engaged, too? Why don’t we get a little house, start a family? Enjoy our sunset years together? Do you hear yourself, woman?

Amy: Sheldon, it was just a thought.

Sheldon: No. Here’s a thought. You’re not moving in, Leonard’s not moving out, everything stays exactly the way it is. And by the way, I saw you make this Strawberry Quik with syrup, you’re supposed to use the powder.

Amy: It tastes the same.

Sheldon: No. The syrup tastes better and I don’t like it.

Scene: The apartment.

Penny: This is so sweet. You never cook for me.

Leonard: Well, you cook for me all the time and, ugh.

Penny: If you don’t like my cooking, why haven’t you ever said anything?

Leonard: It’s hard to talk with so much heavy chewing to do.

Penny: Sorry. I’ll get better.

Leonard: I know you’ll try. So, should we talk about setting a date?

Penny: Well, I’d like to pick one that works with my brother’s schedule.

Leonard: Okay. And when would that be?

Penny: Uh, 12 to 18 months from now, depending on good behaviour.

Amy: Hi, is Sheldon here?

Leonard: No, I thought he was with you.

Amy: He was, but he stormed off and now he isn’t answering his phone.

Leonard: What happened?

Amy: He was really angry that you suggested he move out.

Leonard: Oh.

Amy: I also mentioned that he and I could live together but he was too mad at you to realize what a great idea that is.

Leonard: Well, he’s been having a couple of tough days. I’m sure he’s fine. He probably just needs a little alone time to decompress.

Amy: You’re probably right. So, what are you guys doing?

Penny: Well, Leonard cooked for me and now we’re just having a nice dinner, you know, as a newly engaged couple.

Amy: That’s nice.

Leonard: Anyway, as I was saying, Sheldon probably just needs a little alone time. ‘Cause that’s important. Not just for him, but for most anybody, really.

Amy: Don’t I know it. What is that, polenta?

Penny: Amy, get out.

Amy: Right.

Scene: The comic book store.

Sheldon: No.

Stuart: Hey, Sheldon.

Sheldon: What happened?

Stuart: I was cooking in the back room last night and the hot plate caught on fire.

Sheldon: And you couldn’t put it out?

Stuart: I was across the street at the do-it-yourself car wash, taking a shower.

Sheldon: So when will you reopen?

Stuart: Um, I don’t know. I’m waiting to hear back from the insurance company.

Sheldon: So, tomorrow?

Stuart: I don’t mean to be rude, Sheldon, but, uh, my life is kind of falling apart right now.

Sheldon: Your life? The university is making me do string theory and my girlfriend loves me so much she wants to live with me. And now, the place I need to go when I’m sad is damp and smells funny.

Stuart: Well, sorry I let you down.

Sheldon: No. I do not accept this. Everything is changing and I hate it. It stops now. I’m helping you get back on your feet. I would like to purchase this comic book, please.

Stuart: That’ll be $2.99.

Sheldon: Really? It’s soaking wet.

Stuart: Fine, a dollar.

Sheldon: Can you break a twenty?

Stuart: No, I only have hundreds.

Sheldon: You know what? I don’t always recognize sarcasm, but I do right now, and I don’t appreciate it. I’m sorry for your loss. But you’re not the only one whose day has been a disaster.

Stuart: (Light falls on ground just where he was standing a moment before) That could have killed me. I can’t catch a break.

Scene: The apartment.

Leonard: I haven’t heard from Sheldon in a while. You think he’s okay?

Penny: Oh, I’m sure he’s fine.

Leonard: I’m gonna see where he is.

Penny: How?

Leonard: Oh, I know his password, so I can track his phone.

Penny: You do that?

Leonard: Not always, but ever since he wandered off at the swap meet chasing a balloon, I get worried.

Penny: He can take care of himself. Look, we went over stranger danger and gave him that whistle.

Leonard: That’s weird.

Penny: What?

Leonard: He’s at the train station.

Penny: So? He loves trains.

Leonard: It’s dark out and he’s alone, I don’t like it. Let’s go get him.

Penny: It’s sweet how you look out for him. You’re a good guy.

Leonard: It’s not just that. My mother would kill me if I let something happen to him.

Scene: The comic book store.

Raj: Dude, I’m so sorry.

Howard: Don’t take this the wrong way, but did you do this for the insurance money?

Stuart: No. God, you sound like the police, the firemen, my parents, my therapist and the insurance company.

Raj: We’re here for you, man. Whatever you need, okay?

Stuart: Uh, actually, I was wondering if I could crash at your place for a few nights.

Raj: Sure, of course. Oh, actually, Emily was gonna spend the night.

Stuart: You slept with her? Nice.

Raj: Well, I can’t take all the credit. She let me do it to her, but, uh, but I can always call her and cancel.

Howard: Hang on. I know a place you can stay and earn some money at the same time.

Stuart: Great.

Howard: I just have to warn you, it’ll involve humiliation, degradation and verbal abuse.

Stuart: So what’s the catch?

Scene: The train station.

Leonard: Sheldon.

Sheldon: You tracked my phone?

Leonard: Yeah.

Sheldon: Boy, you chase one balloon for three miles.

Penny: We were worried about you.

Sheldon: Don’t be melodramatic. I’m just getting on a train and leaving forever.

Leonard: Seriously? You don’t even have a change of clothes or a toothbrush.

Sheldon: My plan is to stop at malls and buy what I need. It’s called living off the land.

Leonard: Okay, I know you’re upset and there’s a lot of stuff going on, but it’s nothing we can’t work out. Come on, let’s get you home.

Sheldon: No. I’ve reached my breaking point. I need to leave. Now.

Penny: And go where?

Sheldon: It doesn’t matter.

Leonard: So a few things don’t go your way and your best decision is to ride the rails like a hobo?

Sheldon: I suppose it is. Except I have a credit card. And I refuse to carry my laptop at the end of a stick. And I’d sooner die than eat beans out of a can.

Leonard: Come on, come home with us and tomorrow I’ll, I’ll take you to Legoland.

Sheldon: Legoland is not the solution to everything. And it’s too much of a scene since that movie came out.

Leonard: Then what can I do?

Sheldon: Leonard, I am overwhelmed. Everything is changing and it’s simply too much. I need to get away and think.

Leonard: Oh, come on, you know you’re overreacting.

Penny: Leonard, hang on. Just come here. Maybe we need to let him go.

Leonard: What? Why?

Penny: It might be good for him.

Leonard: You know he can’t take a trip like this by himself.

Penny: He’s a grown man.

Leonard: No, he looks like a grown man. You’ve seen Freaky Friday, sometimes little kids end up in big person bodies.

Penny: Leonard, we can’t protect him forever.

Leonard: I know, but…

Penny: He’ll be okay. You taught him well, Padawan.

Sheldon: Good Lord. Padawan’s the student, not the teacher.

Penny: Seriously, let him go.

Leonard: Sheldon, if you really need to do this, I’m not gonna stand in your way.

Sheldon: I do.

Leonard: Okay. Good luck.

Penny: Be safe and call us.

Sheldon: I will.

Leonard: Bye, buddy. Sheldon?

Sheldon: Yes?

Leonard: I’m gonna miss you.

Sheldon: Of course you are.

Leonard: He just made that easier.

Penny: Mm.

Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s house.

Stuart: Hey. What are you guys still doing here? I got this, go. Go home.

Howard: You sure?

Stuart: Yeah, she’s fed, she took her pills, she’s all tucked in and watching TV.

Bernadette: So, she’s not too much for you?

Stuart: Are you kidding? I love her, she’s great.

Mrs Wolowitz (off): Stewie, you gonna watch Wheel of Fortune with me?

Stuart: Coming, Debbie.

Howard: You call her Debbie?

Stuart: She insisted. So, hey, guys, thank you so much. This job is a dream come true.

Howard: Was that a little weird?

Bernadette: Yeah. I don’t know why, but something about it feels unnatural.

Howard: Okay, let’s go.

Bernadette: Yep.

Scene: The apartment.

Amy (on phone): Okay, Sheldon, thanks for checking in. Talk to you tomorrow? Oh, okay, bye.

Leonard: He’s okay?

Amy: Actually sounds like he’s doing pretty well.

Penny: I really think this is gonna be for the best.

Leonard: Me, too. And he was able to take a sabbatical from…

Amy: How could you let him go?


 
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