Series 8 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: So, how does this game work? I just throw it, like a real ball?
Leonard: Yeah, just nice and easy, right over the plate.
Howard: All right.
Raj: You suck, Wolowitz.
Howard: What’s that about?
Raj: I’m heckling you. It’s a beloved part of baseball.
Sheldon: He’s right. And given that you’re probably still waiting to be picked for a game that was played in fifth grade, I’m sure you do suck.
Penny: Hi. What’s going on?
Penny: Okay, this is not what I meant when I said go outside and play.
Leonard: He’s practicing.
Penny: For what?
Howard: The Angels wanted an astronaut to throw out the first pitch, so guess who they called?
Penny: What, you? Really?
Howard: Well, a lot of people who weren’t available, but then me.
Penny: That’s so cool. Congratulations. I guess that makes you the athlete of the group.
Sheldon: Well, not just him. May I remind you that you’re talking to the seeker, beater, chaser and water boy of the third place Griffith Park Quidditch team.
Penny: I know. Watching your boyfriend run around with a broomstick between his legs isn’t something you forget.
Leonard: C’mon now, throw one.
Howard: All right, here we go.
Raj: You look like a jackass.
Howard: Cut it out. You’re hurting my feelings.
Leonard: Now you know why we’re not outside.
Scene: The stairwell.
Sheldon: Did you enjoy my lecture?
Amy: No, and neither did our waiter.
Sheldon: Well, if you’re going to serve Cornish game hen, you should either be familiar with the history of Cornwall or be prepared to learn it.
Amy: It’s hard to argue with that. And I know because I saw a sad man with a pepper mill desperately try and fail.
Penny: Hey, how was dinner?
Sheldon: Good, I had Cornish game hen.
Leonard: Oh, that poor waiter.
Amy: Sheldon, how about tomorrow night we see a movie?
Penny: You guys are going out two nights in a row?
Sheldon: I missed a number of date nights while I was on my train trip, and I’m contractually obligated to make them up under the terms of the Relationship Agreement.
Penny: That’s so hot.
Amy: It’s better than hot, it’s binding.
Sheldon: If you’re free tomorrow night, I’d love to have you join us on a double date.
Amy: You are aware that a double date doesn’t count as two dates.
Sheldon: Oh. Well, then come or don’t. I don’t care.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Bernadette: I can’t believe you’re sore.
Howard: Hey, even professional pitchers need a rubdown after the game.
Bernadette: But they throw an actual ball. You were throwing air at a TV.
Howard: For your information, I also gave Leonard one hell of a high five.
Bernadette: I’m kind of surprised you agreed to do this in front of a stadium full of people.
Howard: They’re doing Space Day and NASA asked me. I felt like I couldn’t say no.
Bernadette: Okay. Well, if you want, I could help you practice. I played a lot of softball growing up.
Howard: Thank you, that would be great.
Bernadette: Great. And while we’re at it, maybe we could butch up your run for when you head out to the mound.
Howard: What’s wrong with the way I run?
Bernadette; Oh, just kidding. Nothing.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Sheldon, I’m surprised you’d choose to go to a pub.
Sheldon: At our committee meeting, Amy made a motion for a picnic in a park, but I tacked so many amendments on that thing it sank like a lead balloon.
Amy: I then suggested a pub.
Sheldon: Yeah, which I was initially sceptical of until I saw online that they serve Yorkshire pudding.
Leonard: You don’t even like Yorkshire pudding.
Sheldon: No, it’s yucky, but informing people about the history of Yorkshire is yummy, yum-yum.
Amy: After a lively debate, that proposal passed by a two-zero margin.
Leonard: Nice to see a busy couple keep the spark of bureaucracy alive.
Sheldon: Ignore them, Amy. They’re just jealous because they’ll never have a relationship as good as ours.
Penny: Isn’t this when he says bazooka or something?
Sheldon: I wasn’t making a joke, I was merely stating fact. Amy and I have a superior relationship to yours.
Leonard: You don’t honestly think that, do you?
Sheldon: Leonard, I assumed you knew. The ranking of relationships in our circle by quality is me and Amy, Howard and Bernadette, Raj and his girlfriend, Penny and Chardonnay, Penny and you.
Leonard: There isn’t any ranking. And if there were, we wouldn’t be at the bottom of it.
Penny: Yeah, and actually, I drink Sauvignon Blanc.
Leonard: That’s the part you have a problem with?
Amy: There they go, fighting again. You’d never hear her talk that way to Sauvignon Blanc.
Scene: A gymnasium.
Raj: So you never played baseball as a kid, not even Little League?
Howard: Well, I was going to, but the day of tryouts I found my dad’s Playboy collection. Threw my arm out.
Bernadette: All right, the pitcher’s mound in Major League Baseball is sixty feet, six inches away from home plate.
Howard: Great. You take this and say when to stop. How much further?
Bernadette: Keep going.
Howard: How about now?
Bernadette: I’ll let you know.
Howard: Are you saying stop and we’re just too far away to hear you?
Bernadette: Okay, stop.
Howard: Are you kidding me?!
Bernadette: That’s sixty feet.
Howard: There’s no way this is sixty feet.
Bernadette: I’m looking at it.
Howard: You realize this isn’t one of those times I want you to exaggerate how long something is.
Scene: Amy’s car.
Leonard: Okay, I got to, I, I, I, I got to ask. What makes you think that your relationship is so wonderful and ours isn’t?
Sheldon: For starters, we enjoy spending time together.
Leonard: So do we. And I’ve seen you guys ignore each other for hours doing totally different things.
Sheldon: It’s called parallel play.
Leonard: Yeah, toddlers do that.
Sheldon: Not as well as we do.
Leonard: You believe this guy? He has to be the best at everything.
Penny: So what? Why do you even care?
Sheldon: Oh, listen to them. Not even married and the honeymoon’s over.
Leonard: Whatever. You can’t even go on a date without checking your relationship agreement.
Sheldon: If you’ve got a problem basing a relationship on a contract, I’d like to tell you about 13 plucky colonies that entered a relationship agreement called the U.S. Constitution. And it may not be cool to say so, but I think that love affair is still pretty hot today.
Amy: It’s a good thing I’m not wearing flag underwear right now, ’cause there’s about to be a fire.
Scene: The gym.
Bernadette: Okay, it’s not that hard. You just look to where you want to throw it, step towards where you want to throw, and throw it.
Howard: That’s your help? That’s like saying here’s how you fly a plane, get in the airplane, know where you want to go and fly it.
Bernadette: Just throw the ball. Let’s see what we’re working with.
Raj: Come on Howard, fire it in.
Bernadette: Throw the damn ball!
Scene: The pub.
Amy: So when do you guys plan on getting married?
Penny: Uh, we’re not sure. But I want to wait long enough to prove to my mother I’m not pregnant.
Sheldon: May I have one of your fries?
Amy: Of course. Can I have a bite of your burger?
Sheldon: Absolutely not.
Leonard: Some perfect couple. He won’t even share his food with her.
Sheldon: It has avocado on it. She’s allergic to avocado. Are you so jealous of our relationship you want Amy to die?
Leonard: I’m not jealous. I just think it’s silly for you to compare relationships like they’re something that can be quantified.
Sheldon: Everything is quantifiable. That French fry? A seven. Spider-Man? A nine. The number nine? Oddly, only a four.
Leonard: How ridiculous is he?
Penny: A hundred.
Leonard: Sheldon, you’re just assigning random numbers to things based on your opinion.
Sheldon: No, I’m not. French fries have three variables, crispiness, saltiness and shape. Which is why a curly fry only gets a two. If I wanted curls for dinner, I’d order a clown wig.
Penny: Well, a relationship is more complicated than a French fry.
Sheldon: Not according to the work of Berscheid, Snyder and Omoto.
Penny: Oh, what did those rascals do now?
Amy: They developed the Relationship Closeness Inventory, which predicts the stability of a couple based on behaviour.
Sheldon: Yeah, not to be confused with the French Fry Goodness Inventory. That’s pure Cooper.
Leonard: So, this is accurate?
Sheldon: It’s been around for 25 years, and has been extensively corroborated by other researchers.
Penny: Well, kind of takes the romance out of relationships.
Sheldon: Kind of? It does it perfectly.
Amy: Sheldon and I got an eight-point-two out of ten.
Leonard: Fine. We’ll take it right now.
Penny: No, don’t.
Penny: Just don’t take it.
Leonard: Why not?
Penny: ‘Cause it’s stupid. Who cares what number it is?
Leonard: Come on. It’ll be fun.
Penny: I said I don’t want you to. I’m getting another drink.
Amy: I’m gonna let you count this as two dates. They’re a lot of work.
Scene: The gym.
Bernadette: Think he’s getting any better?
Howard: That was a close one.
Raj: Is it too late for him to cancel?
Bernadette: I think so.
Howard: Heads up! Watch out!
Scene: The pub.
Leonard: Are you mad at me?
Penny: No, stop being stupid.
Leonard: Um, whew? Is this about the test, or is this about us?
Penny: Look, I don’t need a score on a test to make me worry about something I’m already worried about.
Leonard: What are you worried about?
Penny: That we’re engaged and have nothing in common, and it scares me.
Leonard: Yeah, that scares me, too.
Penny: It does?
Penny: Well, that’s not good. You being blindly infatuated with me was the rock we were building this relationship on.
Leonard: Okay, well, this might make you feel better. Uh, we’re both scared that our marriage will be a disaster, and so, that’s something that we have in common. Also, we both think I’m not funny. Huh? See, you’re not laughing.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Mike (on Skype): Hey, Froot Loops, what’s up?
Howard: Hey, Mike. Listen, NASA asked me to throw out the first pitch at an Angels game. You got any advice?
Mike: Yeah. Don’t do it. What else you up to?
Howard: Why shouldn’t I do it?
Mike: There’s no upside. If you do well, no one cares. And if you screw up, you’re an idiot on YouTube forever.
Howard: But it’s for a good cause. What about all the kids that’ll be there?
Mike: That’s what I’m telling you. Kids are the worst. My own daughter tweeted I have a giant nose.
Howard: Well, maybe I’ll do a good job.
Mike: I don’t know. In space, you couldn’t even toss me a pen, and that was in zero gravity.
Howard: Okay, thanks for the pep talk.
Mike: Anytime, Froot Loops. Give your wife a hug for me. She’s so much cuter than you, I don’t know how you ever got her.
Bernadette: He’s so nice.
Scene: The pub.
Penny: Hey, sorry about that.
Amy: No, we’re sorry. We never should have been comparing relationships in the first place.
Sheldon: Why? We won. You know, I say, next, we take on Koothrappali and his dog. Really give ourselves a challenge.
Leonard: I just want to say one more thing about this. Just because Penny and I are very different people does not mean that we’re a bad couple.
Sheldon: The answer is one simple test away. Hmm? You know, it’s like when I thought there was a possum in my closet. Did I sit around wondering? No, I sent Leonard in with a pointy stick and a bag.
Leonard: I killed his Chewbacca slippers.
Penny: Let’s just take the test.
Leonard: No, no, no, I don’t want to.
Penny: Oh, well, ’cause you know we’re gonna do bad.
Leonard: Because it doesn’t matter. I don’t care if we’re a ten or a two.
Sheldon: Or a one. A one is possible.
Leonard: Marriage is scary. You’re scared, I’m scared. But it doesn’t make me not want to do it. It, it just makes me want to hold your hand and do it with you.
Amy: It would make me so happy if you said things like that.
Sheldon: We got an eight-point-two. Trust me, you’re happy.
Scene: Angels Stadium
Raj: Mmm, I love how they put a waterfall at centre field. It really ties the whole stadium together.
Penny: Look at you, talking sports.
Leonard: This is fun, huh? We get to see our friend throw out the first pitch, have a hot dog, watch the game.
Sheldon: Whoa. Nobody said anything about watching the game.
Amy: Sheldon, what did you expect?
Sheldon: I expected to see Howard throw the baseball, finish my hot dog, and hightail it across the street to Disneyland just in time for Mickey’s Soundsational Parade.
Amy: I’ll tell you what. If we stay, I’ll buy you cotton candy and a bobblehead.
Sheldon: Who’s the bobblehead of?
Amy: Does it matter?
Sheldon: No, as long as it bobbles.
Bernadette: Howie, I am so proud of you.
Howard: Thanks. I’m proud of me, too.
Man: You ready?
Howard: Let’s do it.
Man: All right.
Howard: Wish me luck.
Bernadette: Go get ’em.
Stadium Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, in honour of Space Day at Angel Stadium, the first pitch will be thrown out by NASA astronaut Howard Wolowitz.
Howard: Thank you. Thank you.
Penny: Can he really throw a ball?
Leonard: On our Quidditch team, he…
Penny: Yeah, that’s a no.
Howard: I have a message for the young people here today. When I was asked to throw the first pitch, a little voice in my head said I couldn’t do it. So, I practiced and practiced, and you know what? That little voice was right, but then I remembered that I’m not an athlete. I’m a scientist. So, today’s first pitch will be delivered to home plate by science. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I present to you a working prototype of the Mars Rover. And here’s the wind-up, and the pitch.
Bernadette: Why is it going so slow?
Howard: ‘Cause I’m an idiot who didn’t think this through.
Sheldon: Okay, new plan. We go to Disneyland, play hide and seek on Tom Sawyer’s Island, and then come back and see the end of the pitch.
Howard: Okay, while we’re waiting for the ball to arrive, here’s some fun facts about Mars.
Man in Crowd: You suck, Wolowitz!
Sheldon: He makes a valid point.
Howard: Okay, booing isn’t gonna make it go any faster.