Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation
Scene: The apartment.
Bernadette: I like your suit.
Penny: Oh, thanks. Got a couple new outfits for work.
Howard: How does it feel knowing your fiancée’s job is to go out and flirt with doctors, looking like that, while you sit here, you know, looking like this?
Leonard: She doesn’t flirt with doctors.
Penny: Yeah. It’s all very professional.
Amy: You know when you bend over, I can see down your shirt?
Penny: Okay, good.
Bernadette: Speaking of new careers, how are things going with dark matter, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Oh, yeah, I’d have to say it’s the most exiting time in the history of the field.
Bernadette: Oh. What’s going on?
Sheldon: I started doing it.
Raj: You know, the government funded the biggest experiment yet to detect dark matter.
Leonard: Yeah, I’ve read about that, they’re sending research teams down into abandoned salt mines.
Raj: You know, Sheldon, if we apply to be one of those teams, we could be on the ground floor of something big, not just for theoretical physics but for astrophysics as well.
Penny: Wait, hang on, you guys are gonna work in a mine?
Sheldon: Why not?
Penny: You had a panic attack when we went through the car wash.
Sheldon: Perhaps the emotion you’re referring to was shock at you having something cleaned.
Leonard: I think what Penny meant is, the thought of you two in a mine is kind of funny, it’s like a cat riding a Roomba.
Howard:If they get scared, they’ll have those hats with the lights on them, ’cause down there it’s night-night all the time.
Bernadette: Maybe they could ride around in one of those mine carts that go ee-oo-ee-oo-ee-oo.
Leonard: Yeah, it’ll help them get away when they see a g-g-ghost.
Sheldon:Are they making fun of us?
Sheldon: I miss the old days when I couldn’t tell.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard: So, one of my favourite video games of all time is called Shadow of the Colossus, and it was only for PlayStation 2, but then they came out with a new version for PS3 with better graphics. I finally got the chance to play it, and for some reason, it just wasn’t as good as the first one. Or something about yoga.
Penny: I’m sorry, I was thinking about work.
Leonard: Well, I was just saying that there was this video game…
Penny: Yeah, that’s when I started thinking about work. Uh, listen, I’ve got some good news.
Penny: This is for you.
Leonard: Huh. What is this?
Penny: Well, you know how they gave me the company car? Didn’t make sense to have two, so I sold the other one.
Leonard: The one I gave you?
Penny: Yeah. And there’s your money back, and now we’re even. How great is that?
Leonard: Uh, yeah.
Penny: Oh, come on, Leonard, I know the car was a thoughtful gesture and I really appreciate it, but it doesn’t make sense to have both.
Leonard: You’re right.
Penny: What should I have done? Taken a picture of us in the car and put it in a pink frame with puffy paint around it that says best fiancé ever?
Leonard: Doesn’t sound that bad.
Penny: Well, good, because that’s what I did.
Leonard: Aw, oh, thank you. That is so sweet.
Penny: Well, it’s not that sweet, I paid for the frame with your money and then got a massage.
Leonard: You know what, you don’t have to give me this. You keep it.
Leonard: The car was a gift, it was something you needed. I was happy to help you out.
Penny: And I really appreciate it, but now I don’t need it, so here you go.
Leonard: Well, this is silly, so you don’t need the car, but you could use it to buy yourself something else, like a new purse to put all this money in.
Penny: Sweetie, I can buy my own stuff. I have a good job now.
Leonard: I know, and I’m proud of you, but that doesn’t mean I can’t do something nice. Like this.
Penny: Okay, I don’t want this to turn into a fight.
Leonard: I don’t, either.
Penny: Great. Thank you. Can you pass the salt, please?
Leonard: Sure. In my mind, that broke the tension with comedy and led to sex.
Scene: Sheldon’s office.
Raj: Hey, Sheldon, you busy?
Sheldon: I’m always busy. This mind is capable of advanced multitasking. You know, currently, I’m attempting to solve the Penrose conjecture, I’m composing my Nobel acceptance speech for when I’ve solved the Penrose conjecture, and I’m wondering how mermaids have babies.
Raj: Don’t they lay eggs on a rock?
Sheldon: Now I’ve got room for another thing. What do you want?
Raj: So, I did a little research on what the conditions are like in the mines, and the guys might be right, sounds pretty rough down there. For starters, it’s very humid, and about a hundred degrees.
Sheldon: Well, I’m from Texas and you’re from India, we’re no strangers to the fragrant armpit. Next.
Raj: It’s also a live mine, so there’ll be dynamite explosions going off in the distance.
Sheldon: Yeah, I have a lactose intolerant roommate with a taste for ice cream. Next.
Raj: Oh, you have to be down there for 12 hours at a time.
Sheldon: Yeah? We have to be somewhere.
Raj: Well, there’s no toilets, we’ll have to do our business in a bucket.
Sheldon: So it’s settled, we’re not doing it.
Raj: Look, I get it, but before we pass up on an incredible opportunity, I was thinking about when Howard was training to go to space, they put him in a simulated environment.
Sheldon: Interesting. You’re suggesting that we recreate the conditions of the mine to see if we can handle it.
Sheldon: Very well.
Raj: So where should we do it?
Sheldon: Well, I’ll just Google hot, dark and moist, see what comes up.
Raj: Uh, Sheldon…
Sheldon: Oh, there, well, look, there’s all kinds of videos.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard: Hey, you got a sec?
Penny: Hi. Sure.
Leonard: I was hoping we could talk about the money again.
Penny: Oh, sweetie, just forget about it.
Leonard: No, no, no, no, hear me out. I know things got a little weird last night.
Penny: Well, leaving an envelope full of cash on my dresser after sex would count as weird.
Leonard: Well, I think I came up with a pretty good solution.
Leonard: Why don’t we just put the money in a joint account? It’ll be our first money together. We can use it for the wedding, the honeymoon, whatever.
Penny: You know what, that’s great. I love that.
Leonard: Yeah, of course you do, I’m not just a genius in bed. You sure are, baby.
Penny: You two want to be alone?
Leonard: I want you to know I get why you don’t want the money, you’ve got this new job, you’re excited about being financially independent, and I am nothing but proud of you.
Penny: Oh, thank you so much. It feels so good to hear you say that. And I want you to know that I get this job kind of changes the balance in our relationship, and I’m trying to be sensitive to that.
Penny: Well, I just think that maybe you’re a little hung up on the money because I’m less reliant on you now, and that’s a little scary.
Leonard: Hmm. Maybe. Or maybe I tried to do something nice and maybe you had a problem with it because of your control issues.
Penny: Control issues?
Penny: Or, maybe now that I’m no longer an out-of-work actress who can’t pay for her own dinner, that makes you a little insecure.
Leonard: Well, I can’t believe you’d say that. You know how insecure I am about my insecurities.
Penny: You know what? I’m sorry. It’s stupid to fight over money.
Leonard: Yeah, I’m sorry, too. We’re about to share the rest of our lives together. It’s our money, who cares who has it?
Penny: Ugh, You’re right, who cares? Mm. Get that money out of my back pocket or I will break your fingers.
Scene: The university basement.
Raj: Huh. All this time I never knew there were steam tunnels down here.
Amy: Most universities have them. When I was an undergrad, I spent three days in one pledging a sorority.
Raj: Did you get in?
Amy: No. They forgot I was there. But it really opened up my pores.
Sheldon: Well, according to my research, the steam tunnels below this access point should be the closest analog to the mines.
Raj: This is gonna be so much more accurate than the steam room at the gym.
Sheldon: Plus, there’s almost no chance we’ll see any of our coworkers half naked.
Raj: Or totally naked. I love Howard, but the dude needs a little shame.
Sheldon: All right, Amy, this walkie-talkie is yours. If we run into any problems, I’ll contact you. And if anything bad happens, what’s the rule?
Amy: Save you first; come back for Raj only if there’s time.
Raj: We’re going to be fine.
Amy: Sheldon, I’m really impressed you’re willing to try this.
Sheldon: Well, admittedly, this brushes up against my well-known aversions to heat, small places, going below floor-level, dampness, hatches, ladders, darkness, echoes, and eliminating in Home Depot buckets. That last one is quite new, but I have a feeling that’s gonna rocket to the top of the list.
Raj: I’m sweating already.
Sheldon: Yeah, as the person beneath you, allow me to say, I know.
Raj: How hot is it?
Sheldon: Uh, let’s see. 704? No, wait, it’s on clock. Uh, the real answer isn’t much better. 102 degrees.
Raj: Well, that’s what we wanted. This is as hot as the mines will be.
Sheldon: True. Sheldon’s Mine Simulation Log, entry one. Koothrappali’s restating of the obvious is already getting on my nerves.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Leonard: Thanks again for having us.
Howard: Oh, of course. What did you guys want to talk about?
Penny: Well, you know, now that we’re engaged, we had some questions about how you handle money as a couple.
Bernadette: I told you they weren’t gonna ask us to swing with them.
Howard: I didn’t think they were going to. I just wanted to have a way to say no without hurting Leonard’s feelings.
Leonard: Well, nailed it.
Howard: So what did you want to know?
Penny: Well, do you guys ever fight over money?
Bernadette: Sure, sometimes. I mean, it can be a little awkward since I make so much more money than Howie.
Howard: You didn’t have to say so much more.
Bernadette: Well, I didn’t have to, but for the sake of accuracy I felt that I should.
Howard: I brought a lot of significant assets into the relationship, too.
Bernadette: Like what? Your incomplete set of Star Trek collector plates?
Howard: For your information, I just bought the last one I needed on eBay.
Bernadette: Without asking me?
Howard: There were only three minutes left in the auction and it was a mint condition Scotty from a smoke-free home.
Bernadette: How much, Howie?
Howard: Not a lot.
Bernadette: How much?
Howard: Let’s not talk about this in front of our friends.
Bernadette: Was it more or less than falconry school?
Howard: For the tenth time, that was a Groupon.
Leonard: Like I would swing with him.
Scene: The steam tunnel.
Raj: How you feeling?
Sheldon: Good. Little claustrophobic.
Raj: Let’s set up the equipment. It’ll help take your mind off of it.
Sheldon: Miners often sang mining songs to keep their spirits up.
Raj: Do you know any mining songs?
Sheldon: Just the hits. (Singing) Where it’s dark as a dungeon, and it’s damp as the dew.
Rajj: That’s pretty.
Sheldon: Where the dangers are double, and the pleasures are few. Where the rain never falls and the sun never shines, yes, it’s dark as a dungeon way down in the mine.
Raj: It’s a little more bleak than I thought.
Sheldon: Well, I pray when I’m dead and the ages shall roll, that my body will blacken and turn into coal.
Raj: Getting kind of grim.
Sheldon: Then I’ll look from the door of my heavenly home, and pity the miner that mines my poor bones.
Raj: Okay. How ’bout a little Miley Cyrus next?
Sheldon: Who’s he?
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Howard: Talk about wasted money. What about the late fees on our credit card because somebody didn’t pay the bill on time?
Bernadette: Well, maybe I would have paid it if I wasn’t also doing everything else around here.
Howard: Oh, you’re saying I don’t do anything around here. Look at my chore chart.
Leonard: She made him a chore chart.
Penny: I see it.
Howard: Do the dishes. There’s a star right there.
Bernadette: That was a pity star. Putting water in the roasting pan and leaving it in the sink is not doing the dishes.
Howard: That pan had to soak and you know it.
Bernadette: Well, don’t come crying to me when you don’t get your allowance.
Howard: It’s not an allowance. It’s a stipend, and we said we weren’t gonna call it an allowance in front of my friends.
Leonard: I usually don’t like lemon bars, but these, these are really good.
Scene: The steam tunnel.
Raj: So, as Hannah Montana, Miley was a world-famous pop star. But then she would take off her wig and go to school like a normal girl. Which, I don’t have to tell you, at that age, is its own headache.
Sheldon: That’s preposterous. How would she go unrecognized just by wearing a wig?
Raj: But you’re okay with Superman concealing his identity with a pair of glasses?
Sheldon: He doesn’t just put on a pair of glasses. He combs back his curlicue and affects a mild-mannered personality.
Amy (shouting): You guys doing okay down there?
Sheldon: I told you to use the walkie-talkie!
Amy (on walkie-talkie): You guys doing okay down there?
Sheldon: Please keep this channel clear for emergencies. Thank you.
Amy: I’m going to the vending machine. Do you want anything?
Sheldon: This is a simulation. We have to survive on the supplies we brought.
Amy: Okay, just checking.
Raj: We should have asked her to get some Funyuns.
Sheldon: You’re not going to have Funyuns when we’re a mile below the surface of the Earth.
Raj: What if we brought them down with us?
Sheldon: We’ll take some Funyuns.
Amy: Anything else?
Sheldon: Some York Peppermint Patties, a couple of Dr. Peppers, and run to Best Buy and see if they have a portable DVD player and season one of a show called Hannah Montana.
Rajj: Have her get season two. Season one, it was still finding itself.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Bernadette: Sorry you guys had to see that.
Penny: Oh, don’t apologize.
Leonard: Yeah. It just makes it a lot harder to pretend it never happened.
Bernadette: Money’s a sensitive subject for Howie because of the difference in our income.
Penny: It really bothers him?
Bernadette: Well, sure. There’s still a lot of pressure on guys to be providers. So even though he’s happy for me, it’s just a little tough on him.
Penny: Well, if I do well in sales, I could end up making a lot more money than you.
Leonard: Not a problem. I grew up with a mother who emasculated my father financially and in every other aspect of his life, so really, it’s what I think love looks like.
Bernadette: I’ll be right back. I’m gonna go check on him.
Penny: Maybe it’s a good thing we came here. It’s like a lesson in what not to do.
Leonard: Yeah I don’t want something dumb like money to come between us.
Penny: It won’t. Let’s just promise to figure this kind of stuff out before we get married.
Howard (off): Why are you being so bossy?
Bernadette (off): Why are you being a baby?
Howard (off): I’m not a baby. I’m a grown man, and I made the bed. Now where’s my star?
Leonard: Should we go?
Penny: Hang on. I want to see if he gets the star.
Scene: The steam tunnel.
Raj: Oh, this heat is brutal.
Sheldon: As someone from the tropical subcontinent of India, you should know that fanning yourself in a humid environment only raises your body temperature.
Rajj: Huh. That does explain why the servants used to look so hot while they were fanning me. Let’s get our minds off how uncomfortable we are. We could take some more simulated instrument readings.
Sheldon: My major focus at the moment is keeping my claustrophobia at bay.
Raj: How’s that going?
Sheldon: You tell me. I feel like I can’t breathe, and I am tempted to crack you open and suck the air right out of your lungs.
Raj: Sheldon, if this is too much, we can stop.
Sheldon: We’re not stopping.
Raj: You don’t have to bite my head off.
Sheldon: I apologize. I just, I’m plagued by an internal struggle.
Raj: If you would just use the bucket, you’d be so much more comfortable.
Sheldon: My struggle is emotional.
Raj: Oh. Is it Amy?
Sheldon: It’s dark matter. When I entered the field of string theory, I was a prodigy. I rose to a position of respect, and I assumed my career would continue on that upward trajectory. Now here I am in my 30s, I’m back at square one. And, frankly, it’s frightening.
Raj: Sheldon, you know what I think of when I’m scared? Voyager.
Sheldon: Voyager the space probe or Voyager the Star Trek TV show?
Raj: The space probe.
Sheldon: Good. Because I am too hot and tired to go on about how much I hate Voyager the TV show.
Raj: By the time I was born, Voyager 1’s mission was supposed to be over. It had seen Jupiter and Saturn and all their moons, but it kept going. When I left India for America, I was never more scared in my life. I had no idea what lay ahead. Whenever I feel that way, I think about how Voyager is still out there somewhere beyond our solar system, going further than anyone ever thought it could. Don’t leave. You can do this.
Amy: Sheldon, is everything okay?
Sheldon: It’s too late for Koothrappali. Let’s go.
Amy: 11 minutes. That’s longer than I thought.
Raj (off): They’re in my shirt. They’re in my shirt. They’re in my shirt.
Scene: Penny’s bedroom.
Penny: Okay, this is definitely the most fun thing we can do with the money.
Leonard: I’ve never done it on a big old pile of cash before. Me neither, Leonard. It’s my first time, too.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s bedroom.
Bernadette: I’m so sorry I made you feel bad about the money stuff.
Howard: It’s okay.
Bernadette: No, it’s not okay. I want us to be partners, equals. Adults in a mature relationship.
Howard: I want that, too.
Bernadette: Now, let’s talk about your birthday party.
Howard: Ooh, laser tag, laser tag.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: Do you really need me to transcribe this?
Sheldon: You’re not doing it for me. You’re doing it for future generations who will benefit from my struggle. (Voice on recorder) Sheldon’s Mine Simulation Log, entry four. My Kit Kat has melted. All is lost.
Raj: You call yourself a friend? I was trying to help you, and at the first sign of trouble you ran away, leaving me to fend off a family of rats. You’re a completely selfish human being and a, and a physical and a moral coward.
Sheldon: His statements of the obvious continue to annoy.