Series 8 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection

Scene: The apartment.

Sheldon: Hello. I’m Doctor Sheldon Cooper, and welcome to Sheldon Cooper presents Fun with Flags, the final episode flagtacular. I knew it was coming. Still scary. Now, I’m sure you’re thinking, the final episode? Who will stand between us and flag ignorance?

Amy: I know I was thinking that. Is this a show on flags or mind reading?

Sheldon: But the truth is I can no longer balance a full-time career, a popular Internet show, and a girlfriend.

Amy: And he really does have one, you jerks on the comment board.

Sheldon: So as they say, all good things must come to an end.

Amy: After only 232 episodes.

Sheldon: 233 if we include the one somebody forgot to press record on.

Amy: You said you weren’t gonna bring that up.

Sheldon: And you said you pressed record. Anyway, please sit back, relax, and join us as we take our final lap, as indicated by the waving of this racing flag. And, of course, white flags can also represent surrender, the Stewards of Gondor, and the Japanese Minamoto clan, but I’m sure you remember that from episode sixty-two, White Flags, Who’s Wavin’ ‘Em and Why?

Amy: That was a good one.

Sheldon: It was so good.

Credits sequence.

Scene: An office at the university.

Raj: You know, I thought cleaning out a dead professor’s office was gonna just be boring, but then I found his dentures and realized it’s also gross.

Howard: Doesn’t Professor Abbott’s family want any of this stuff?

Leonard: I don’t think he had a family.

Raj: That’s rough.

Leonard: I know. You can spend your whole life working, and at the end all that’s left are some papers in a box.

Howard: Makes you think. Oh, well.

Leonard: Hey. Hey, we’re supposed to look through all this stuff before we throw it away in case it’s important.

Howard: I did. It’s all outdated or disproved.

Raj: I don’t know. This old pen kind of proves gravity. When I tilt it, her bathing suit falls right off.

Howard: Oh, my dad used to have a pen like that. I dated it all through sixth grade.

Leonard: It still feels weird just throwing away his work like this.

Howard: Don’t feel bad. Someday someone will be throwing out your work, too.

Leonard: That someone was Sheldon, and the day was yesterday. Hey, look at this. Dear Roger, to be opened upon your first great discovery. Love, Mom. Wow, look at the date. He saved this fifty years and never got to open it.

Howard: That’s intense.

Raj: Poor Roger Abbott.

Howard: Roger Abbott sounds just like Roger Rabbit.

Raj: Roger Abbott, Roger Abbott, Roger Abbott. Oh, my God, Leonard, I know he’s dead, but try it. It’s fun. Roger Abbott, Roger Abbott.

Scene: A hotel conference room.

Dan: Penny. Oh, my rookie of the year.

Penny: Oh, Dan. My boss who didn’t want to hire me and now’s a little hug machine.

Dan: Oh, look at you. Brand-new and already the third best sales rep.

Penny: Aw.

Dan: Yes. Why don’t you come over to my table.

Penny: I’ll be right there. Bernadette’s just parking the car.

Dan: Oh, good. Bernadette. Cute, sweet, vicious little Bernadette.

Penny: Come on. She’s not that bad.

Dan: Oh, yeah? At the company picnic she yelled at me and my grandson for losing the three-legged race. I mean, he still calls her that mean kid with the big boobies.

Penny: I know she can be a little intense, but, I swear, she is so sweet once you get past all the…

Bernadette: Hey, what are you talking about?

Penny: Oh. We were just talking about how much we love working with you. Isn’t that right? Dan?

Scene: The apartment.

Sheldon: Over the years here at Fun With Flags, we’ve had an opportunity to learn, laugh, wonder.

Amy: And, yes, even shed a tear or two.

Sheldon: Like when you do a two-hour Fourth of July spectacular and it doesn’t get recorded.

Amy: How many times do I have to say I’m sorry?

Sheldon: How about four thousand. One for every domino I set up to make that American flag. Please enjoy these highlights.

Highlight 1

Sheldon: Crikey, what flag do we have today?

Amy: Australia, mate.

Highlight 2

Sheldon: And now it’s time for the speed round of Flag or Not a Flag.

Kripke: Fwag, fwag, not a fwag, fwag, I am cwushing this.

Highlight 3

Amy: Say, Betsy Ross, what you working on?

Sheldon: I have no idea. Because the story of me sewing the first American flag is unsupported poppycock.

Amy: Then who did sew it, hmm?

Sheldon: Don’t ask me. I’m just a simple seamstress whose descendants are out to make a quick buck.

Highlight 4

Sheldon: Fancy a dip, my dear?

Amy: I do.

Sheldon: Wait, that purple flag indicates that marine pests, such as jellyfish, are present.

Amy: Wow, that flag is a lifesaver.

Sheldon: No. This is. Stop looking at my legs.

Highlight 5

Kripke: Not a fwag, fwag, fwag, not a fwag. Fwag. Ugh cwap.

Scene: The office.

Raj: When stuff like this gets me down, you know what I like to do?

Howard: Sing Hakuna Matata like an eight-year-old girl?

Raj: Wrong, smarty-pants. It’s Everything Is Awesome from The Lego Movie.

Leonard: Look at these notebooks. They’re full of pages and pages of data. He clearly spent years on this.

Howard: Mmm. It’s just columns of random numbers. Toss it.

Leonard: Well, but what if this was a potential breakthrough for him? What if, what if this is the thing that would’ve finally let him open that bottle of champagne?

Raj: Maybe he didn’t know what to pair champagne with. Strawberries, caviar, oysters. All good choices. Yeah, that look right there is why people eat before they come to your parties.

Leonard: This has to mean something.

Howard: Well, there’s no discernible pattern that I can see, but it shouldn’t be too hard to run the numbers and check.

Leonard: Well, maybe we can get some time on the supercomputer.

Howard: Sure. We could try multiple regressions with varying physical and experimental constants.

Leonard: Oh, we could run a pattern-matching algorithm against well-known unsolved physics problems.

Howard: Ooh, it might be a substitution cipher. We could start with basic cryptanalysis.

Raj: Or we could talk to this guy he used to share an office with.

Howard: Oh, let’s do that.

Leonard: Because you don’t know how to do cryptanalysis, do you?

Howard: Yeah, I’m not even sure if it’s the right word.

Scene: The conference room.

Penny: So, Dan, you have a grandson. How old is he?

Dan: Seven.

Bernadette: Oh, yeah. I remember him from the picnic. He was the one crying like a wuss the whole time.

Penny: I heard he was being picked on by a mean kid.

Bernadette: Just builds character. Like my dad said, nobody likes a crybaby except their mommies and Democrats.”

Dan: I need another drink.

Bernadette: What’s his problem?

Penny: Oh, I don’t know. Maybe he didn’t like the fact that you called his grandson a wuss.

Bernadette: Well, I didn’t think you were supposed to say sissy anymore.

Penny: Okay, look, I know what a good person you are, but sometimes people think you might come off a little harsh.

Bernadette: What? I’m, like, the sweetest person I know. Look at me. I should be in a tree baking cookies.

Penny: Yes, but once in a while, people think you’re a little mean.

Bernadette: Oh, yeah? You one of those people?

Penny: No. No, no, no. I think the cookie thing.

Scene: The apartment.

Amy: Action.

Sheldon: Welcome back. Our guest today is a returning fan favourite. He puts the reading in your rainbow, the Geordi in your La Forge, and the Kunta in your Kinte, Mr. LeVar Burton.

LeVar Burton: Thank you, Sheldon. Now, remember our deal.

Sheldon: You do this, I delete your contact information.

LeVar: While?

Sheldon: While you watch me do it.

LeVar: Great. Happy to be back.

Sheldon: Well, since you’re here, I’d like to get your opinion on something. In honour of Black History Month, I portrayed George Washington Carver in a loving tribute that my roommate called wildly racist. What do you think? (On recording) Hi. My name is George.

LeVar: Oh, hell, no.

Sheldon: You heard him, Leonard. No, it’s not racist.

Scene: An apartment building.

Howard: Are we sure this is the place?

Raj: The doorman said this is the right building.

Leonard: I think if you’re pulling up your pants, you’re not a doorman. (Knocks)

Man (off): Who is it?

Leonard: Uh, I’ve been looking for a Professor Sharpe?

Prof Sharpe: Hold on. Can I help you?

Leonard: Hi. We’re from the university. We’re trying to get some information about Professor Abbott.

Howard: We were cleaning out his office and found these books full of numbers.

Leonard: Any chance you know what it is?

Prof Sharpe: Yes, he was always working on this.

Raj: I was thinking it might be some sort of interstellar coordinate system, maybe an updated version of Hubble’s law. I keep seeing the number 90 repeating. That could be the angle of perturbation of a distant galaxy.

Prof Sharpe: It’s the number of calories in a yoghurt. That’s his food diary.

Leonard: Really?

Prof Sharpe: Yeah, he wrote down everything he ever ate. He was convinced that calorie restriction was the key to living forever.

Raj: Does it work?

Howard: Seriously?

Raj: Well, he could have been hit by a bus. You don’t know.

Prof Sharpe: Sorry it’s not more interesting. On the bright side, you didn’t have to listen to his stomach growl for 35 years.

Leonard: So, was there anything that Professor Abbott worked on during his life that came close to an accomplishment?

Prof Sharpe: To be honest, his research never amounted to anything.

Raj: You were his colleague. How did your research turn out? Great. Hey, this is the apartment you get when you win a Nobel.

Raj: Well, you could be very frugal. I’m getting a little tired of everybody’s sarcasm.

Scene: The conference room.

Bernadette: I’m not a bully. I mean, maybe I come off a little strong, but that’s only because my dad raised me to be tough and not to take crap from anybody.

Penny: No. That’s fine, but there’s a difference between being tough and telling your friend her new pants look like a saggy diaper.

Bernadette: I did say that, didn’t I?

Penny: Yeah, you did. I felt so self-conscious, I had to return them.

Bernadette: Where? To Babies R Us?

Penny: You’re doing it again.

Bernadette: Okay, sorry. Can we just go? I feel like everybody hates me.

Penny: Oh, come on, they don’t hate you, all right? They’re just a little intimidated. All you need to do is show everyone how sweet you really are.

Bernadette: I think I’d rather go.

Penny: No, come on. You are not going anywhere, all right? I am here for you, and we are gonna fix this together.

Bernadette: Thank you.

Penny: Even though your dress is ugly.

Scene:The apartment.

Sheldon: Well, my little flag-keteers, it looks like the last episode of Fun with Flags is at an end. If I could, I would run each and every one of you viewers up a flagpole and salute you. And if you touched the ground, burn you. I’d like to take a moment to personally thank Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler, who you may or may not know is the first woman to co-host a flag or banner-related Internet info-tainment show.

Amy: Take that, glass ceiling.

Sheldon: And if I may get serious for a moment, hosting this show has been one crazy ride. But with all its ups and downs, I wouldn’t give it up for the world. Except for now, when I’m giving it up. Before I sign off, I’d, uh, I’d like to share with you all one last use for a white flag. It’s good for times like this. Good night.

Amy: Cut. Sheldon, that was beautiful.

Sheldon: If you didn’t press record…

Amy: I pressed it.

Scene: The office.

Leonard: Well, that’s it. That’s the end of Roger Abbott.

Raj: And we still don’t know who framed him.

Leonard: I still keep thinking about how an entire life can seemingly amount to nothing.

Howard: I guess the sad truth is, not everyone will accomplish something great. Some of us may just have to find meaning in the little moments that make up life.

Leonard: That’s a nice way of looking at it.

Howard: Yeah for you, not for me. I went to space. I’m covered.

Leonard: You know what? This bottle was meant to celebrate an achievement. Let’s make a pact. When one of us gets their first big breakthrough, we’ll celebrate by opening this bottle of champagne and toasting Professor Abbott.

Howard: I love that.

Raj: Yeah, me, too.

Leonard: Then, of course, rubbing our success in Sheldon’s face.

Raj: Oh, well, that’s the best part.

Howard: Oh, yeah.

Scene: The conference room.

Bernadette: Dan, could I talk to you for a minute?

Dan: Sure, go ahead.

Bernadette: Just want you to know I didn’t mean to be rude about your grandson.

Dan: No, it’s okay.

Bernadette: No, it’s not. Penny told me that everyone’s scared of me.

Dan: What? What? Why would she say that? You know she drinks, right?

Penny: What?

Bernadette: No, she’s right, and I just want you to know that from now on, I’m gonna be much more sensitive. I don’t want anyone walking on eggshells around me.

Dan: Oh, well, okay, then, uh, one thing I’ve been meaning to tell you is that the company is gonna stop paying for our coffee.

Bernadette: No problem. When does that start?

Dan: Five months ago.

Bernadette: What?

Dan: Yeah.

Bernadette: Who’s been paying for my coffee?

Dan: All of us.

Penny: Yeah. It comes from the swear jar we put money in when you curse.

Bernadette: What else don’t I know about?

Penny: Uh, well, you know your private bathroom?

Bernadette: Yeah?

Penny: That was supposed to be for the whole floor.

Bernadette: You’re kidding.

Dan: No, no. It’s okay. It only really affected Wheelchair Kathy, and she’s back in the hospital now, so it all worked out.

Bernadette: I feel so bad.

Penny: Well, then, maybe you shouldn’t have named her Wheelchair Kathy.

Bernadette: Oh, my God. I thought everybody liked me, but I’m just a monster.

Dan: But a cute one, like that, uh, eyeball guy in Monsters, Inc.

Bernadette: No, I’m the worst. I’m a terrible person.

Dan: Come on, don’t cry. It’s okay.

Bernadette: It’s not okay. How can I even work here anymore?

Penny: Because this company needs you.

Dan: It’s fine. We don’t mind paying for the coffee.

Bernadette: I can’t let you do that.

Dan: Maybe we could get you an espresso machine for your office.

Bernadette: I guess that would be all right.

Penny: See? You don’t have to be mean to get what you want.

Bernadette: You’re right. Now where did we land on my bathroom?

Scene: The apartment.

Leonard: Hey.

Sheldon: Hello.

Leonard: How come you’re up so late?

Sheldon: I posted the last episode of Fun with Flags hours ago, and not a single person cared enough to comment. All that effort for nothing.

Leonard: Mm. I know how you feel. I spent the day throwing out a man’s entire career, and all that’s left is an old bottle of champagne and a naked lady pen that Raj took when he thought no one was looking.

Sheldon: It’s not the same thing. I don’t think you know how I feel at all.

Leonard: Sad?

Sheldon: Hmm. You do get me. Someone left a comment.

Leonard: Yeah. What did they say?

Sheldon: Too bad your show is done. I kind of liked it. Leonard, did you hear that? Oh, the people are heartbroken. I can’t take this away from the world. Fun with Flags is back.

Leonard: Congratulations.

Sheldon: Let’s celebrate.

Leonard: Sheldon, that wasn’t for you.

Sheldon: Oh, no, I’m not going to drink it. I just wanted to hear the pop. Yeah, I knew it was coming. Still scary.

Scene: LeVar Burton’s house.

Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) LeVar Burton? (Knock, knock, knock) LeVar Burton? (Knock, knock, knock) LeVar Burton?

LeVar: Ugh. What are you doing here?

Sheldon: You told me not to call, and I didn’t know how else to give you the good news. Fun with Flags is back, and you can be in the next episode.

LeVar: Wil Wheaton said, get a gate. I don’t know why I didn’t get a gate.

Sheldon: You, at least listen to the premise. Since you were born in Germany, I thought we could talk

about German flags. How do you feel about dressing up like a swastika?

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