Series 8 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application
Scene: The stairwell.
Leonard: I was unstoppable. I mean, I was, I was on fire. It was like my mind and my body were totally connected, like, like athletes must feel when they’re in the zone.
Penny: Again, it was miniature golf.
Leonard: Admit it, you’re a little turned on.
Penny: You can’t be this proud.
Leonard: Why not?
Penny: Because I beat you.
Sheldon: Oh, good. You’re back.
Amy: We have some exciting news.
Sheldon: As you know, Amy and I have been together a long time, and a lot of things I never thought possible now seem possible.
Amy: After a careful evaluation of our relationship, we decided that the time was right to take a step forward.
Sheldon: Do you want to say it?
Amy: Let’s say it together.
Together: We’re getting a turtle.
Penny: This is why I’ve been saying we should keep champagne on ice.
Sheldon: Okay. That was tricky, ’cause when it comes to alcohol, she generally means business.
Leonard: Well, we’re, we’re very happy for you.
Amy: Thank you. Acquiring a joint pet is a big step for us.
Sheldon: No. It’s true. It means that we care so much about each other, there’s enough left over for an eight-ounce reptile.
Leonard: Why a turtle?
Sheldon: After much deliberation, we’ve determined that a turtle is the ideal pet. They don’t shed fur, they don’t make noise.
Amy: For Halloween, we can dress him as a cobblestone.
Sheldon: Yeah. And if he ever goes berserk, I know I can outrun him. Coincidentally, that’s also why I chose you as a roommate.
Leonard: Well, congratulations. Who would’ve thought you two would be the first in our group to start a family?
Amy: That’s what I said.
Scene: Emily’s apartment.
Raj: So, where’s your roommate tonight?
Emily: Well, I thought it was a little unfair that she’s always here, and you never get a chance to stay over, so I killed her.
Raj: But remember our agreement? You can joke about murdering people, but you have to say just kidding.
Emily: And the more important thing to remember is that I’d never hurt you. Oh, crap. I have to run over to the hospital and check on a patient.
Raj: That’s okay. I can come back later.
Emily: No. No, don’t be silly. I won’t be gone long. Just stay here.
Raj: Okay, cool. Oh, and you’re sure your roommate’s not gonna come back while I’m here alone, right? ‘Cause that’ll be awkward.
Emily: Oh, don’t worry. She’s in Palm Springs.
Raj: Oh, good.
Emily: Well, her torso is. Just kidding. I put her in a wood chipper.
Scene: A pet store.
Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord. Oh, dear Lord.
Amy: It’s okay. You made it. We’re fine.
Sheldon: That was a lot of puppies.
Amy: Let’s forget about them, and pick ourselves out a nice turtle. Oh, how about this one up on the log?
Sheldon: Oh, I don’t know. He kind of looks like a jerk. How about this one?
Amy: Well, he’s barely moving. He looks half dead.
Sheldon: I know. I like him, too. Hi, little guy. How’d you like to come home with us? You’ll be living with me because we don’t live in the same house.
Amy: But that’s not your fault. Like you, we’re taking it ridiculously slow. You’ll stay with me when he’s at Comic-Con or away for work.
Sheldon: Or if they accept Daddy’s application to live on Mars.
Amy: What are you talking about?
Sheldon: Oh, there’s this company that’s attempting to establish a colony on Mars, and I applied to be among the first to go. What should we name him? You know, I came in thinking Seth, but he kind of looks Italian.
Amy: You applied for a mission to be a colonist on another planet, and couldn’t be bothered to tell me?
Sheldon: Would you have approved?
Amy: Of course not.
Sheldon: Well, based on your reaction, it looks like I made the right choice. Isn’t that right, Giuseppe?
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Hey, hey. Listen, I, I have a little confession to make.
Penny: Aw, is this your first time?
Leonard: No, I got you something for Valentine’s Day, and I was too embarrassed to give it to you.
Penny: Well, why?
Leonard: Well, ’cause I got it at the dirty store.
Penny: You went to the dirty store without me?
Leonard: In sunglasses and a hat after I parked two blocks away.
Penny: Well, get it. Get it for me.
Leonard: Okay, uh, well, I hope it’s fun. I mean, it, it comes with paints, and, and it’s kind of creative and artistic.
Penny: Okay, did you go to the dirty store or Michaels?
Leonard: No, no. We cover ourselves in body paint, and then, then we get on this big canvas and do our thing.
Penny: Whoa, that’s kind of a big step for a guy who only recently agreed to take his socks off.
Leonard: You’re making fun of me. Forget it.
Penny: No. No, come on, I want to do it.
Penny: Yeah, let’s you, me, and your very, very pale feet make some art. Hey, when you got back to this store, I want to go with you.
Leonard: Okay, but it’s a drive, the one I went to is in San Diego.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Howard: How are the taxes going?
Bernadette: Okay. But you got a lot of receipts for the Lego store in here.
Howard: Those are business expenses. You can write those off.
Bernadette: A two hundred dollar R2-D2 is a business expense?
Howard: Oh, Bernie, you’re gonna have to sound a lot more confident when we get audited. (On phone) Hey, what’s up?
Raj: Oh, Emily ran back to the hospital, so I’m just hanging out at her place. What are you, uh, what are you doing?
Howard: Just playing video games while Bernie does the taxes.
Raj: What are you, a little kid? Is she gonna cut your dinner into little pieces, too?
Howard: She doesn’t have to, I filled up on jelly beans.
Raj: So, uh, what game are you… Oh. Crap.
Howard: What’s wrong?
Raj: I can’t get Emily’s night-stand to close.
Raj: She’s gonna know I was looking in it.
Howard: Why were you looking in it?
Raj: Well, there’s a question I better have a good answer to before she gets back.
Howard: Okay, calm down. There’s probably something jammed behind it. Just, uh, pull it out and see what’s there.
Raj: Hang on. Oh no. Oh, no. Oh, God, no.
Howard: You know what, you sound busy, I’m gonna let you go.
Raj: Dude, the whole front came off. Now she’s gonna know I was snooping.
Bernadette: What’s happening?
Howard: Raj was snooping through Emily’s drawers and broke one.
Bernadette: Aw. I’m gonna miss her.
Scene: Penny’s bedroom.
Penny: So what do you think?
Leonard: I thought it’d be a little more, just more.
Penny: I’m not even sure why we were out of breath. Uh, I mean, did we move at all?
Leonard: Maybe along the z-axis, but x and y are looking pretty sad.
Penny: Okay, come on. We are not old boring people. We can do better than this.
Leonard: Uh, Th, that’s true. How late did we stay up last night?
Penny: Almost 1am.
Leonard: Damn straight, almost 1am. And we weren’t even watching TV. We were watching Netflix, like the kids do.
Penny: Yeah, is it a comedy? Is it a drama? Nobody knows. Now, come on. We are gonna do this.
Leonard: Yeah. You get the paint, I’ll rest for 30 to 40 minutes, and then we do this.
Scene: The stairwell.
Sheldon: I can’t believe you almost had me bring a wild animal into my home.
Amy: No one told you to poke the turtle’s face.
Sheldon: I was playing Got Your Nose. That’s how you get children to like you.
Amy: I’m surprised you even care if he likes you, since you’re planning on leaving the planet the first chance you get.
Sheldon: Ugh, this again. Amy, I’ve already had one new hole torn in my body today. I don’t need another one.
Amy: Sheldon, I know the odds of you even going to Mars are incredibly small, but it still hurts that you would volunteer for something that would take you away from me forever.
Sheldon: So you’re saying you wouldn’t leave me for the chance to be one of the first humans to colonize another planet?
Amy: I would at least mention it before filling out the application.
Sheldon: Huh, that’s exactly what Leonard, Wolowitz, Koothrappali, Bernadette and Penny said.
Amy: And who says you could even survive an interplanetary mission, anyway? You could barely survive a tiny turtle bite.
Sheldon: First of all, this has only made me stronger. But beyond that, all I did was fill out an application.
Amy: You know what? Go to Mars, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Is there anything I can do to cheer you up?
Amy: No. Forget it.
Sheldon: What if I play the Star Trek theme on my nose?
Amy: Please don’t.
Sheldon: Yep, you’re mad.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment. Howard is on the phone to Raj.
Howard: Okay, let me see the damage.
Raj: Hang on.
Howard: Well, I think you broke the dowels. You’re not gonna have time to glue it back on, you’ll have to nail it.
Raj: With what?
Howard: Does she have any pillows or wine glasses?
Raj: She does.
Howard: Great. Neither of those. Try a hammer.
Raj: Did that feel good? You feel like a big man now?
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: I was going to make you red zinger, but since Mars is the red planet, I went with peppermint.
Amy: Why do you even want to do this?
Sheldon: Actually, as part of the application, I was required to make a short video answering that very question. You want to see it?
Amy: Can’t you just tell me?
Sheldon: But I made a video.
Sheldon (on video): I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and I’d like to tell you why I should be chosen to go to Mars. I’m exceedingly smart. I graduated college at 14. While my brother was getting an STD I was getting a PhD. Penicillin can’t take this away. Being in close quarters, cleanliness is important and my hygiene is impeccable. In fact, animals don’t trust me because I smell like nothing. Literally nothing. During the seven-month space flight, I can keep up morale with my wacky sense of humour. Hey, Leonard, is there any peanut brittle left in that can?
Leonard (on video): You mean this weirdly suspicious one?
Sheldon (on video): Yes. Open it and check.
Leonard (on video): I don’t get it. There’s actually peanut brittle in… Please go to Mars.
Sheldon (on video): But on a more serious note, the most important reason I want to go to Mars is that I believe, as a scientist, it’s my duty to push the boundaries of human knowledge forward. Now, I know that life on Mars will be difficult. But life here on Earth is no picnic. Also, picnics are no picnic. Where should we go for lunch? Oh, I know, the ground. In conclusion, thank you for considering me for this journey of a lifetime. To Mars.
Sheldon: Afterwards, Leonard blew his nose, and pie came out.
Scene: Penny’s bathroom.
Leonard: Right there, right there, Oh, God, that’s it.
Penny: How did you get paint in your eye?
Leonard: Because you wouldn’t let me wear safety goggles.
Scene: Emily’s bedroom. Raj is still on the phone with Howard.
Raj: This looks terrible. She, she’s gonna know.
Howard: It’s fine. You just need two more nails.
Raj: Okay, where should I put them?
Howard: In Emily’s eyes.
Raj: You’re not helping.
Bernadette: Well, maybe this is what you get for snooping.
Raj: You know, it, it’s bad enough that I have to deal with this…
Emily: Raj? I’m back.
Raj: Oh, no. Hey.
Raj: How was the hospital?
Emily: Fine. What were you doing in there?
Raj: Uh w, well, okay, look, I, I don’t want to lie to you. I got curious, I was looking around and I broke the drawer on your night stand.
Emily: You were looking in my night stand?
Emily: So, the first time I leave you alone, you snoop on me?
Raj: You’ve never snooped around my apartment?
Raj: Come on, think back. It would really help if you had.
Emily: I can’t believe you don’t trust me.
Bernadette: She sounds really mad.
Howard: We should hang up.
Bernadette: Yeah, we should.
Howard: But we’re not going to, are we?
Bernadette: Not a chance.
Howard: What happened to snooping is wrong?
Bernadette: Howard, you’re going to jail for tax fraud. Who cares?
Scene: Penny’s bedroom.
Leonard: Well, we did it.
Penny: We sure did.
Leonard: I mean, I was on fire. I, I was in the zone, like an athlete.
Penny: Sweetie, I beat you at this, too.
Leonard: So, where do we want to hang it?
Penny: What? Are you kidding? We’re not hanging it.
Leonard: But it’s an expression of our love.
Penny: And our butts. Not hanging it.
Leonard: Seems a shame to throw it away.
Penny: Yeah. We could give it to Sheldon, and tell him William Shatner painted it.
Leonard: God, I love you. I love you so much.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: I think I’m gonna go home.
Sheldon: Why? I really don’t understand what’s happening here.
Amy: You know, Sheldon, at any other time, learning that you had plans to go live on Mars would be a slow news day. But a couple of hours ago, we were getting a turtle. And silly as it sounds, I thought that meant something.
Sheldon: Amy. Oh, why didn’t I give her Sleepy Time tea? Amy, wait. Getting a turtle meant a great deal to me, too.
Amy: Sure. Unless something better comes along.
Sheldon: Do you want me to withdraw my application?
Amy: What I want is for us to be planning our future together.
Sheldon: And in that future, are we on the same planet? Because I’ve seen people make the long-distance thing work.
Amy: We’re on the same planet.
Sheldon: Okay. Does that planet have to be Earth?
Amy: Are you asking me to go to Mars with you?
Sheldon: I am. Yeah, if I’m going to a barren, lifeless environment where the chances of survival are slim to none, I want you there with me. Why don’t we go back to the apartment, and fill out your application?
Amy: Okay. I suppose being the first people on a new planet would be incredibly exciting.
Sheldon: Oh, I know. We could be the first to plant a flag on Mars. We could be the first to watch Mars Attacks! on Mars. We could be the first to say good lord, what on Mars are you talking about?
Amy: You know, we could also be the first people to procreate on Mars.
Sheldon: You just can’t keep it in your space pants, can you?
Amy: Think about it. If we had a family there, our kids would be Martians.
Sheldon: They would, wouldn’t they? We could give them cool Martian names. And we could teach them about Martian history. Like, who planted those flags? And, uh, where did that copy of Mars Attacks! come from?
Amy: I guess we’ll have to make a new video together, as a couple.
Sheldon: Good idea. And since you’ve had such a rough day, I’m gonna let you throw the pie in Leonard’s face.
Scene: Emily’s bedroom.
Raj: Thank you for forgiving me.
Emily: That’s okay. At some point, we were bound to have our first fight.
Raj: Well, it almost happened when you called my apple pie crust doughy, but the truth is you were right, and I was just angry at myself.
Emily: Can I ask you one thing?
Raj: Of course. What?
Emily: Did you look in my closet?
Raj: No. Just the drawer.
Emily: You promise you didn’t look in the closet?
Raj: I promise. Why, what’s in there?
Emily: Don’t worry about it. Good night.