Series 8 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission

Scene: The apartment

Raj: It’s, like, the best one they make, I just can’t get it to work.

Howard: I’ll figure it out.

Raj: It streams HD video straight to your phone while it’s flying.

Howard: Nice. Where were you when I was single?

Leonard: Okay, we should leave in about an hour. You all packed?

Penny: Uh, yeah, I just need to throw in a few last minute things, you know, makeup, underwear, clothes.

Sheldon: If your bathroom floor counts as a carry-on, you’re packed.

Amy: Leonard, have you ever given a high school commencement speech before?

Leonard: Nope. It’s pretty exciting.

Sheldon: Aren’t you afraid of being blinded?

Leonard: How would I be blinded?

Sheldon: At the end of the ceremony, all the students throw those pointy hats in the air. It’s all pomp and circumstance until someone loses an eye.

Leonard: I’ll take my chances.

Sheldon: Fine. I wonder if they make I told you so cards in braille.

Raj: Look, the problem with commencement speeches is that they’re boring. Ooh, do you own a T-shirt cannon?

Howard: Why would he own a T-shirt cannon?

Raj: I don’t know. Why do I own one?

Amy: I think it’s really nice that you’re sharing this experience with Penny.

Leonard: Mm, I thought it’d be fun to show her my old stomping grounds. I even know the exact spot where they used to stomp me.

Bernadette: Well, now you get to go back as a successful scientist.

Amy: With a beautiful girl on your arm.

Sheldon: And a pointy hat sticking out of your eyeball.

Credits sequence.

Scene: The hallway.

Leonard: How’d you get ready so fast?

Penny: Oh, I pack light. Once, I got through an entire spring break with nothing but a long T-shirt and a belt.

Leonard: Why did you need a belt?

Penny: It’s called an evening look. I’ve never been to New Jersey before.

Leonard: It gets a bad rap from shows like Jersey Shore and Real Housewives.

Penny: So it’s not really like that?

Leonard: No, it’s like that. Well, I’m excited to show you around.

Penny: You think we’ll have time to visit your mom over there?

Leonard: Yes. We’ll also have time to put my junk in a garlic press, but I’m not doing that either. (Receives text) Uh-oh. I just got an alert. Our flight’s been cancelled.

Penny: What?

Leonard: Yeah, looks like there’s a big storm all up the East Coast.

Penny: Well, can we get on another airline?

Leonard: I don’t think so.

Penny: So, that’s it? We’re not going?

Leonard: I guess not.

Penny: Well, that sucks.

Leonard: Yeah. I worked hard on that speech, too.

Penny: Oh. You could tell it to me.

Leonard: Oh, thank you, but I’m okay.

Penny: Are you sure? I could pretend I’m a high school cheerleader who can’t control herself around esteemed alumni.

Leonard: Greetings, distinguished cheerleaders.

Penny: Ooh.

Scene: The apartment.

Howard: Okay, the WiFi extender is on, the camera’s on, they’re both on the same network. We should be getting an image.

Sheldon: All I see is a black screen. And my own reflection. I look sad.

Howard: Maybe we should recalibrate it.

Sheldon: All right.

Howard: Step one, rapidly flip the calibration switch from the fully up to the fully down positions for at least ten times.

Sheldon: It actually says at least?

Howard: Yeah.

Sheldon: Why would they say at least? Is it ten toggles? Is it a hundred toggles? You know? Is it a thousand toggles? Ten thousand toggles? A hundred thousand toggles?

Howard: Sheldon.

Sheldon: You see where I’m going with this.

Howard: Just flip the switch until the lights on the drone change to solid yellow.

Sheldon: All right, that seems simple enough. Initiating calibration sequence. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Well, I suppose ten is technically at least ten. But they’re still getting at least one angry letter.

Howard: Now I rotate it horizontally on its centre axis until the lights turn green.

Sheldon: Initiating rotation sequence. Don’t look at me, initiate. What does red and yellow mean?

Howard: It means the calibration failed. We have to start over.

Sheldon: Oh. Very well. Re-initiating calibration sequence. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten… eleven. It’s a good thing I didn’t send that letter.

Scene: Raj’s apartment. Skype tone plays.

Raj: Mm. Hello, Daddy. What’s up?

Dr Koothrapalli: Not much, just wanted to see how my son’s doing.

Raj: Very well, thank you.

Dr Koothrapalli: Are you still dating that dermatologist?

Raj: If you could feel how soft my skin is, you wouldn’t have to ask.

Dr Koothrapalli: Oh, and there’s something else I wanted to ask you. Why did you spend a month’s rent on a toy helicopter?!

Raj: Oh, you’re where that bill goes.

Dr Koothrapalli: I’m tired of indulging your foolish lifestyle. It’s time you learned responsibility. And the only way to teach you that is to cut off your allowance.

Raj: No, Daddy, no. There are lots of other ways to teach me responsibility. I know, you can give me an egg and make me take care of it for a week.

Dr Koothrapalli: No, my mind is made up. Starting now, you’re on your own.

Raj: But, Daddy, I, I miss my family so much, and with you and Mummy getting a divorce, I feel sad and empty. Buying a little toy every now and then helps me fill that void. So while I can’t hug you every day, flying that helicopter…

Dr Koothrapalli: I’m cutting you off.

Raj: Just to be clear, financially or mid-sentence?

Scene: The apartment.

Howard: No red and yellow, no red and yellow.

Sheldon: Yay.

Howard: It’s green.

Sheldon: We did it. Oh, if it’s this much fun to rotate, imagine when we fly it.

Howard: Okay, now all I have to do is rotate it vertically until the lights turn off.

Sheldon: Oh, no.

Howard: Oh. All right, playtime’s over. Let’s open this baby up.

Sheldon: Won’t that void the warranty?

Howard: Sheldon, I have a master’s degree in engineering. I wipe my bottom with warranties. Except for AppleCare. That pays for itself in the long run.

Scene: Penny’s apartment.

Penny: Hi.

Leonard: Hey, where’d you go?

Penny: I got you a little something to cheer you up.

Leonard: Really? Sex last night, pancakes this morning, am I dying?

Penny: Just open it.

Leonard: A cap and gown? Why do I need a cap and gown?

Penny: Because you are giving your commencement speech.

Leonard: What are you talking about?

Penny: I called your old high school and convinced them to let you give your speech over Skype.

Leonard: Really? That’s amazing. And you gave me the robes to give it in. Thank you.

Penny: Yeah, now about those, uh, they came from a costume shop, and all they had left was sexy graduate, so they might be a little short.

Leonard: Short and sexy, that’s my wheelhouse.

Penny: Yeah.

Scene: The apartment.

Howard: Boy, oh, boy, that’s a lot of pieces.

Sheldon: You know what they all do, right?

Howard: Yes, of course.

Sheldon: What about this one?

Howard: Well, I, how familiar are you with miniaturized integrated logic circuits?

Sheldon: Not very.

Howard: That right there is a miniaturized integrated logic circuit.

Sheldon: So, can you get it working?

Howard: I’m an MIT-trained engineer. I’ve built components for the space station.

Sheldon: I thought the zero-gravity toilet didn’t work.

Howard: It worked fine, it just wasn’t designed for Russian cosmonauts and their potato-based diet.

Raj: Hey, guys.

Howard: Hey.

Sheldon: Hello.

Raj: I have to return the helicopter. My father… What did you do?

Sheldon: Well, don’t worry. He went to MIT. He can solve any problem, as long as it doesn’t originate in a Russian man’s colon.

Raj: I don’t freaking believe this.

Howard: Relax, it’ll be fine.

Raj: No, you have to put this back together right now, so I can return it.

Sheldon: You can’t return it. Howard wiped his bottom with the warranty.

Raj: What?

Sheldon: I think metaphorically. But he was in the bathroom for a while.

Raj: Howard, my father cut me off. I have to get my money back for this.

Howard: Calm down.

Raj: Okay. Okay, you’re right. It’s time for me to step up and take responsibility for my life. Be a man. (On phone) Hello, Mummy.

Mrs Koothrapalli: Hello, Rajesh. What a nice surprise.

Raj: Well, I’ve been thinking about you. How are you doing? Are you happy, Mummy?

Mrs Koothrapalli: Such a sweet boy for asking. Can’t believe you come from the poison seed of your father.

Raj: Well, I like to think I take mostly after you. Anyway, speaking of Daddy, I had a very strange conversation with him. He said he couldn’t afford to send me money any more because of his active social life.

Mrs Koothrapalli: What does that mean, active social life?

Raj: Well, let’s not talk about him or whatever shenanigans he may or may not be up to. Let’s talk about you.

Mrs Koothrapalli: Rajesh, is your father seeing someone?

Raj: All I know, Mummy, is that he’s a single wealthy doctor, and now, for some reason, there’s no money for your little boy.

Mrs Koothrapalli: Well, however much money your father was giving you, I’ll give you more.

Raj: Thank you, Mummy, I love you. Helicopters for everybody.

Scene: Penny’s apartment.

Penny: What’s taking so long?

Leonard: I don’t think this is gonna work.

Penny: Just let me see. Sweetie, you know you’re supposed to wear clothes underneath a graduation gown.

Leonard: A, surprised you know that. B, I wanted to look like a sexy graduate for you.

Penny: Oh. Well, you do.

Leonard: Thank you.

Penny: Yeah. You’re gonna be on Skype, they’re not gonna see your legs.

Leonard: Well, I’m gonna go put on some pants just in case. But I have to say, this is very freeing.

Penny: Add a belt and I’ll take you some place nice.

Leonard: Oh. Done and done.

Scene: The apartment.

Howard: Okay, I think I’ve narrowed it down to a faulty pin on the onboard communication chip.

Sheldon: Very impressive. You know, when you’re done with that, can you look at this? It doesn’t make smoke anymore.

Howard: One toy at a time.

Sheldon: Mm. Sorry. Ah, maybe it’s for the best. I hear locomotive smoke is the second leading cause of death among train aficionados.

Raj: What’s the first one?

Howard: Suicide.

Sheldon: Wrong. Obesity.

Bernadette: I have the tool you wanted.

Howard: Thank you.

Raj: You guys don’t have to go to the trouble. I’m back in the money now, I can just buy another helicopter.

Howard: It’s not about the money. It’s about solving a problem. It’s why I became an engineer. It’s what I like to do, it’s what I’m trained to do. It’s who I am.

Sheldon: Oh, look at you, the little engineer that could.

Bernadette: Why don’t you just call tech support?

Howard: Hey.

Sheldon: Whoa.

Raj: Not cool.

Bernadette: What?

Howard: There’s two kinds of people in this world, those who call tech support, and those who make fun of the people who call tech support.

Bernadette: I call tech support all the time.

Howard: Ha-ha.

Sheldon: You call tech support.

Raj: What a baby.

Scene: Leonard’s old school.

Headmaster: And now, for our commencement address, one of our most distinguished alumni, noted Caltech physicist Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.

Leonard (on screen): Members of the faculty, students, I’m excited to speak to you today. I can’t help but remember the last time I was in this auditorium. Two guys from the lacrosse team played keep-away with my asthma inhaler. But enough about my ten-year reunion. I’d also like to take a moment to thank my beautiful fiancée for to helping make this speech possible, even though weather nearly prevented it.

Penny: Oh. Hello. I, I didn’t know he was gonna point it at me, so, don’t do drugs and stay in school.

Leonard: They’re graduating.

Penny: Okay, bye.

Scene: The apartment.

Howard: All right, the power supply is reconnected. I think we’re back in business. Let’s just run a few tests before we take it outside. Sheldon, we got WiFi?

Sheldon: Check.

Howard: GPS?

Raj: Check.

Howard: Battery charged?

Sheldon: Check.

Bernadette: Four hours of our lives gone? Check.

Howard: All right. All systems go. In five…

Together: Four, three, two, one.

Sheldon: That’s what my train used to do.

Bernadette: Ready to call tech support?

Howard: Give me the number. Probably wind up talking to some foreign guy who’s reading from the same manual I have. (Raj’s phone rings)

Raj: It’s my father, you jerks. Hello, Daddy.

Dr Koothrapalli: What did you say to your mother?

Raj: Nothing. I was just calling to check in, make sure she’s doing okay.

Dr Koothrapalli: Well, after talking to you, she seems to think I’m some sort of playboy.

Raj: Really? I don’t know where she’d get an idea like that. You know Mummy and her crazy imagination I’m so lucky I take after you.

Dr Koothrapalli: You think you take after me?

Raj: Well, I try to. I certainly wouldn’t be a scientist if you hadn’t been my role model. (Re-entering apartment) Who wants to go to Vegas in a real helicopter?

Scene: Leonard’s old school.

Leonard (on screen): It was L. Frank Baum who said no thief, however skillful, can rob one of knowledge, and that is why knowledge is the best and safest treasure, wow, I’m boring myself. Sorry, I can’t see any of your faces right now, but I bet they look like this. Uh, you know, I, I wrote an entire speech to say how high school prepares you and what a wonderful place it is, but I hated it. Maybe high school’s great if you look like this, but I didn’t even feel like I existed at that school. And now that I think about it, I bet a lot of you feel the same way. So, for the remainder of my speech, this is for the invisible kids. Uh, maybe you never fit in. Or maybe you’re the smallest kid in the school, or the heaviest or the weirdest. Maybe you’re graduating and you still haven’t had your first kiss. By the way, 19, and Geraldine Coco, wherever you are, thank you. Maybe you don’t have any friends. And guess what? That’s okay. While all the popular kids are off doing whatever, I don’t know what they were doing ’cause I was never there.

Penny: I’ll, I’ll tell you later.

Leonard: My point is, while you’re spending all this time on your own, building computers or practicing your cello, what you’re really doing is becoming interesting. And when people finally do notice you, they’re gonna find someone a lot cooler than they thought. And for those of you who were popular in high school, it’s over, sorry. Thank you and congratulations.

Scene: The apartment.

Tech Support Voice: Your call is important to us. All our technicians are busy helping other customers. Please stay on the line and someone will be with you shortly.

Howard: What happened to me? When did I become an old man baffled by modern technology? Next thing you know, I’ll be hitching my pants up to my armpits and complaining about the awful music the kids are listening to.

Sheldon: It is awful, isn’t it? Listen to that noise.

Howard: Hang on, hang on. It’s working. I did it.

Raj: How’d you do that?

Howard: No idea, but I did it.

Bernadette: Maybe you shouldn’t be flying it inside.

Howard: Well, I’m not flying it.

Sheldon: Then who is?

Howard: I don’t know. Must be getting a WiFi signal from somewhere else.

Sheldon: Initiate landing sequence. Initiate landing sequence. Hey, the camera’s working. Oh, look, it’s me.

Tech Support Guy: Tech Support, can I help you?

Sheldon: Yes, it’s a robot uprising. Call the police.

Scene: The hallway.

Leonard: So you really think they liked it?

Penny: Oh, sweetie, it was the best speech I…

Sheldon: Don’t worry, everyone in here is safe.

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