Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion

Scene: The apartment.

Penny: Leonard, what time does your mom’s plane get in?

Leonard: I don’t know, some time tomorrow morning.

Penny: Don’t you want to know for sure?

Leonard: No need to. As soon as she flies into California airspace, I’ll feel a disturbance in the Force.

Amy: It’s so nice both of your moms are coming in to see you guys get an award.

Sheldon: Well, my mother’s been there for every honour I’ve won since I beat out my twin sister for the did it on the potty trophy. How does this look?

Penny: Aw, it’s so nice. She’s gonna love it.

Amy: Sure, his mom gets roses. When I want them, they’re a bouquet of severed plant genitals.

Sheldon: You act like I didn’t get you that mushroom log on Valentine’s Day.

Amy: He’s right. Roses die, but a moist rotting log will pump out mushrooms for two or three magical years.

Penny: You know, your mom’s never been too thrilled with our relationship. Maybe I should get her something so she warms up to me.

Leonard: If you could run out and get a PhD, that might make her like you.

Penny: Really? It didn’t work for you.

Amy: Do you think the moms will get along?

Leonard: Uh, I don’t know. They’re pretty different.

Sheldon: Maybe they’ll be best friends. One of them is brilliant, one is sweet and simple. Sound familiar?

Credits sequence.

Scene: The apartment.

Mrs Cooper: Shelly, I’m so proud of you and Leonard for getting this award.

Sheldon: Oh, thank you, Mother.

Mrs Cooper: I tried to read your paper, but it was very hard for me to understand.

Sheldon: Oh, it’s quite straightforward, actually. It describes a new model of the universe that conceptualizes it as the surface of an n-dimensional superfluid.

Mrs Cooper: Interesting. You can believe that, but God filling an ark with animals two-by-two is nonsense.

Sheldon: What did they feed the lions, Mother?

Mrs Cooper: The floating bodies of drowned sinners, of course.

Sheldon: Listen, Leonard’s mom is a renowned psychiatrist and woman of science. Can you please keep the Bible babble to yourself while she’s here?

Mrs Cooper: Are you ashamed of me?

Sheldon: Of course not. I love you. I’m just embarrassed by the things you believe, do and say.

Mrs Cooper: Well, I love you, too. My little bowl of lion chow.

Scene: The stairwell.

Dr Hofstadter: So, have you and Penny set a wedding date?

Leonard: No, we’re kind of taking it slow.

Dr Hofstadter: I see.

Leonard: What does that mean?

Dr Hofstadter: You’ve been on and off with this woman for seven years and engaged for one year. One has to wonder if there’s a problem. Are you having satisfactory intercourse?

Leonard: Yes, Mother.

Dr Hofstadter: Only satisfactory. I see.

Leonard: I change my answer. It, it’s amazing. It’s hot. We can barely keep our hands off each other.

Dr Hofstadter: Seems odd to try and impress your mother with your sexual prowess. But then, you always did have that unresolved Oedipal complex.

Leonard: See, this right here, what you’re doing, can you please not do that around Sheldon’s mom?

Dr Hofstadter: Why? Are you attracted to her, too?

Leonard: Of course not. She’s, she’s just a very sweet and God-fearing lady, and you have to be respectful of her beliefs.

Dr Hofstadter: Leonard, I’m an adult. I know how to conduct myself around people from different walks of life.

Leonard: Thank you.

Dr Hofstadter: Where is she from again?

Leonard: East Texas.

Dr Hofstadter: Ugh.

Leonard: Hey, look who’s here.

Sheldon: Oh, Doctor Hofstadter, it’s so good to see you again.

Dr Hofstadter: Likewise. I read your paper, it was very impressive.

Sheldon: Oh, thank you.

Leonard: We just spent two hours in traffic. Did you think to mention to me that you liked our paper?

Dr Hofstadter: Of course I did, but it’s a mother’s job to make sure her child’s self-esteem is not dependent on anyone’s approval.

Leonard: That’s so sweet, you think I have self-esteem.

Sheldon: Doctor Hofstadter, I want you to meet my mother, Mary.

Dr Hofstadter: : So nice to meet you.

Mrs Cooper: Nice to meet you, too. How was your flight?

Dr Hofstadter: Very pleasant. And yours?

Mrs Cooper: Lovely. Almost as if someone, not saying who, was watching over the plane.

Dr Hofstadter: You’re kidding, right?

Leonard: Subtle, mom, real subtle.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.

Bernadette: Stuart.

Stuart: Morning.

Bernadette: We talked about this. I don’t mind you still living here, but we got to have some rules. And rule number one is pants.

Howard: Hey.

Scene: The apartment.

Mrs Cooper: You must be very proud of your son.

Dr Hofstadter: Oh, yes. He recently argued a case before the Supreme Court.

Mrs Cooper: He did?

Dr Hofstadter: Oh, you mean this son. Uh, sure, he’s terrific.

Sheldon: Beverly, would you like to see the math I worked out to support our hypothesis?

Leonard: You mean, my hypothesis. I hypothesized it all by myself.

Dr Hofstadter: Calm down, dear. Mary, I’m curious. When did you first realize that your son had such a remarkable mind?

Sheldon: Ooh, good question. Everyone loves stories about Sheldon Cooper, boy genius.

Mrs Cooper: Well, I would have to say when he was 13 and tried to build a nuclear reactor in the tool shed.

Sheldon: Ooh, this is a good one.

Mrs Cooper: Now, the first thing you have to know about Shelly is ever since he was a little boy, he was always concerned with the well-being of others. And he didn’t think that it was fair for people to pay for electricity, so he was gonna power the entire town for free.

Sheldon: Tell her about the uranium. Tell her about the uranium.

Mrs Cooper: Oh, well. Oh, this is adorable. When he arranged to get some yellowcake from Chad, I thought he was talking about Twinkies from one of his friends.

Sheldon: But I wasn’t. ‘Cause I didn’t have any friends.

Mrs Cooper: No. It turns out that this little scallywag was trying to use my Visa card to buy uranium from an African warlord in the country of Chad.

Dr Hofstadter: Sounds like Sheldon was a handful.

Mrs Cooper: Oh, he was a handful.

Sheldon: I was a handful.

Leonard: You still are. Uh, Mom, hey, tell Mary the story about how I made a Van der Graaf generator out of our vacuum cleaner.

Dr Hofstadter: All right. He broke the vacuum cleaner.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.

Howard: I mean, for a while, everything was vampires. Now it’s all zombies. I wonder what the next monster fad will be.

Raj: We haven’t had a good invisible man in a while.

Stuart: Clearly, you’ve never seen me try to talk to a woman.

Bernadette: Guys. In the time you’ve been sitting here playing video games, I got the car washed, picked up cleaning supplies and went to the bank.

Stuart: I put on pants.

Howard: Kiss-ass.

Bernadette: Okay, I don’t know when I became the mother to three lazy teenagers, but it stops today. You guys are cleaning the kitchen, top to bottom.

Raj: Hey, I don’t even live here.

Bernadette: Yes or no, do you have clothes in my laundry right now?

Raj: I do. And some of it’s wool, so dry flat if possible.

Scene: The apartment.

Sheldon: Oh, and here’s a picture of me receiving my bachelor of science degree.

Dr Hofstadter: You don’t look very happy.

Sheldon: Well, I had just begun puberty. It was figuratively and literally one of the hairiest moments of my life.

Mrs Cooper: Shelly does not like change.

Sheldon: Oh, true. But all the clenching in the world will not keep testicles in your abdomen.

Penny: Hey, sorry, got caught up at work. Hi, Beverly.

Dr Hofstadter: Hello. Oh, okay.

Penny: Sorry, I forgot.

Sheldon: You remember my mother.

Penny: Oh, yes. Hi, Mary.

Mrs Cooper: Good to see you again, dear.

Penny: Ah, yeah, now that’s what I’m talking about.

Leonard: So, Mom, you haven’t seen Penny since we got engaged.

Penny: Oh, yeah, let me show you the ring.

Dr Hofstadter: Oh, lovely. Must have been very expensive.

Sheldon: Oh, no, not at all. No, we, uh, found a place online that, uh, repurposes diamond drill bits.

Leonard: We did not. That’s not true. Can I speak to you alone for a second?

Sheldon: Oh, sure.

Leonard: It came from Tiffany’s.

Sheldon: You mean the box, right?

Leonard: Keep walking.

Penny: Really doesn’t matter to me how much he spent on the ring. I think.

Sheldon: Did I misspeak about the ring?

Leonard: Yes, and we’ll get back to that. But, uh, even with your mother here, you are deliberately hogging all the attention from my mom. You’re like one of those elephant seal pups that steals the milk from two mothers.

Sheldon: Do you mean what marine biologists refer to as super weaning?

Leonard: Yes, you are a super weaner.

Sheldon: Well, now I have to correct you. As a bit of an elephant seal buff, the more accurate comparison would be when two mother seals actively seek to nourish the same pup. So I believe the term you’re looking for is a double mother suckler.

Leonard: Yeah, you’re right. That is the term I’m looking for. You are a dirty double mother suckler.

Sheldon: Okay, well, now that we have the terminology straightened out. How dare you.

Penny: We’re not in a rush. We’ll set a date when the time is right.

Mrs Cooper: It doesn’t matter, sweetie. The moment a man lays with a woman, they are married in the eyes of the Lord.

Dr Hofstadter: Uch.

Mrs Cooper: Uch? The bible is uch to you?

Dr Hofstadter: No, I’m sorry. That was inappropriate. As a psychiatrist, I know how important people’s superstitions can be to them.

Mrs Cooper: You want to talk about superstitions? Sheldon sent me the books you wrote, all that nonsense about superegos and ids. What bull dropped that on the barn floor?

Dr Hofstadter: His name is Sigmund Freud.

Penny: Hey, look at that. You both believe in Jewish bearded guys.

Mrs Cooper: Stay out of this.

Penny: Mm-hmm.

Mrs Cooper: At least the bearded man that I believe in preaches love and compassion. All yours talks about is why you hold in your poop and want to crawl back inside your mama.

Dr Hofstadter: It’s fascinating. How can someone as enlightened as Sheldon come from someone like you?

Mrs Cooper: I know the answer. You’re not gonna like it.

Dr Hofstadter: Try me.

Mrs Cooper: When I was pregnant with Shelly, I was driving to church, and I was praying to the Lord to give me a son smarter than his dumb-ass daddy. And I looked over and I saw a Jesus bobblehead in the Subaru next to me nodding yes. What is that supposed to mean?

Dr Hofstadter: : It means, I can’t believe we’re having this conversation.

Mrs Cooper: Well, do it some more. Maybe you can knock some sense into yourself.

Penny: Why don’t we all stop hitting ourselves and talk about something safe, you know, like shoes or how cute little Chinese babies are.

Sheldon: It is not my fault that your mother likes me better than she likes you.

Leonard: Oh, don’t flatter yourself. She likes everybody better than she likes me.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.

Raj: How old is this Jell-O?

Stuart: Well, it’s carrots, so gonna say very.

Howard: Sorry we have to do this.

Stuart: Bernadette’s not wrong. She does work hard around here.

Raj: Yeah, maybe it’s a good thing if she stops babying you so much.

Howard: She doesn’t baby me.

Stuart: I saw her pull you home in a wagon.

Howard: For your information, I twisted my ankle chasing the ice cream truck.

Raj: Face it, dude, Bernadette treats you the same way your mother used to, and that was not a healthy relationship.

Howard: You’re right. It’s time for me to act like an adult in this marriage. Starting with my husbandly duty of taking out the trash. Bernie, I made a mess.

Scene: A coffee shop.

Dr Hofstadter: I’m terribly sorry that I upset your mother.

Sheldon: Oh, it’s all right. She’ll forgive you. She has to or she goes to hell.

Dr Hofstadter: I can’t help but notice how her unconditional love for you is diametrically opposed to my own parenting strategies.

Sheldon: Well, you doled out affection as a reward for achievement, a proven way to raise a child. Or train a rat.

Dr Hofstadter: But look how well you turned out.

Sheldon: I’d feign modesty at this point, but who would believe me? Still, you need to consider how successful Leonard’s brother and sister are.

Dr Hofstadter: I suppose.

Sheldon: While my brother and sister are mouth-breathing idiots.

Dr Hofstadter: Do you suppose you would’ve flourished more in a reward-based environment?

Sheldon: Perhaps. But my mom made me spaghetti with chopped-up hot dogs whenever I wanted, so who cares?

Scene: The apartment.

Leonard: Not once did my mother ever give me any love or affection for just being myself, I always had to earn it.

Mrs Cooper: Oh, Leonard, I’m sure she loves you very much. In her own cold godless way.

Penny: Yeah, and you certainly don’t have to earn my love.

Leonard: Thank you.

Penny: Of course, you already knew that when you bought me this princess-cut drill bit.

Leonard: That’s not what it is.

Penny: I know, I know. Zzzzzzzz.

Mrs Cooper: When your mom gets back, I’m gonna need to apologize for the way I spoke to her.

Penny: Well, come on now, she did kind of start it.

Mrs Cooper: Doesn’t matter, a good Christian would’ve turned the other cheek. On the other hand, a good Texan would’ve shot her, so, I just kind of split the difference. Hey, who’s in the mood for spaghetti and hot dogs?

Leonard: Oh, me.

Penny: Yeah, me, too.

Mrs Cooper: Coming up.

Leonard: I don’t really feel I deserve it.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.

Howard: That was a big sticky mess, but I think I got it.

Raj: Looks good.

Stuart: Yeah.

Bernadette: Look at that. You cleaned it up all by yourself.

Howard: Yes, I cleaned it up all by myself. Honestly, I don’t know why you complain so… okay, maybe I missed one spot. Just leave.

Scene: The apartment.

Mrs Cooper: I’m so glad that you and I were able to bury the hatchet.

Dr Hofstadter: Me, too. And I respect your right to your beliefs.

Mrs Cooper: And I will pray for you.

Leonard: Okay, Mom, let’s get you back to your hotel before anyone says anything else.

Dr Hofstadter: One moment. There’s something I need to say to you.

Leonard: Oh, really? That’s too bad.

Dr Hofstadter: Leonard, I always made you earn my affection, but today I realize that there’s more than one way to raise a child.

Sheldon: I taught her that.

Dr Hofstadter: Therefore, I would like to initiate a new protocol wherein I shower you with unconditional love.

Leonard: Wow. When does that start?

Dr Hofstadter: So needy. Come to Mommy.

Penny: It’s okay, go ahead.

Dr Hofstadter: Oh, my son.

Leonard: Oh, my mother.

Penny: Oh, my God.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.

Stuart (singing): It’s a hard-knock life.

Together (singing): It’s the hard-knock life for us, it’s the hard-knock life for us. ‘Stead of treated, we get tricked, ‘stead of kisses, we get kicked, it’s the hard-knock life. Got no folks to speak of so it’s the hard-knock row we hoe, cotton blankets ‘stead of wool, empty bellies ‘stead of full, it’s a hard-knock life.


 
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