Series 9 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum

Following a “previously on” sequence.

Scene: A Wedding Chapel.

Penny: So, what package are you thinking?

Leonard: Mm, this one comes with music and flowers. Oh, they even stream the whole thing live on the Internet.

Penny: Why would we want that?

Leonard: ‘Cause there’s a lot of gorgeous blondes out there who don’t believe they can land a short, nearsighted scientist. Let’s give them hope.

Penny: Whatever. Put us on the Internet. I’ve always wanted a wedding with a comment section.

Leonard: If you’re not into this, we can do it another time.

Penny: No. No, I want to. Look, we’ve put this off long enough. Let’s do it.

Leonard: Aw. That’s exactly what you said the first time we slept together. (Phone) Oh, excuse me. Sheldon. Hey.

Sheldon: Leonard, have you gotten married yet?

Leonard: No. Why?

Sheldon: Good. Don’t do it.

Leonard: Why not?

Sheldon: Some important new information has come to light. Women are the worst. I thought it was paper cuts, but I was wrong. No piece of paper ever cut me this deep.

Leonard: What happened now?

Sheldon: Amy has ended our relationship.

Leonard: Oh, no. Seriously?

Penny: What’s going on?

Leonard: Amy broke up with Sheldon.

Penny: She did?

Sheldon: Is Penny crying?

Leonard: No.

Sheldon: No, of course not. They thrive on our suffering.

Leonard: Buddy, I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do?

Sheldon: Yes. If I ever talk about going out with a girl again, roll your eyes at me like I do to you when you say dumb things.

Leonard: Sheldon, uh, okay, just because you’re going through this with Amy doesn’t mean that all women are bad.

Sheldon: Whatever.

Penny (on phone): Hey, I just heard about you and Sheldon. Are you okay?

Amy: Not really. Can you come over?

Penny: Uh, actually I’m in Vegas. Leonard and I are about to get married.

Amy: Hold on. You’re getting married and you didn’t invite me?

Penny: Well, it was kind of a spur-of-the-moment thing.

Amy: Wow. Hope I can catch the bouquet from here.

Penny: Amy, don’t be like that.

Sheldon: Why did I just hear Amy’s name?

Leonard: Penny’s on the phone with her.

Sheldon: Did she say anything about me? Never mind. I don’t care. Well, if you care, you can find out and tell me. Just don’t be shocked when you find out that I don’t care.

Penny: Okay, will you relax? You’re not missing anything special.

Leonard: Hey.

Penny: She’s upset. Look, it’s gonna be a great wedding. Look at you in your little suit.

Sheldon: Amy’s upset? Is it about me?

Leonard: No, I think it’s because we’re eloping.

Sheldon: Your marriage is causing her pain? Yeah, great, I take it back. Go ahead and do it. Yay for love.

Credits sequence.

Scene: Outside Amy’s apartment.

Sheldon: Hello.

Amy: Oh. What are you doing here?

Sheldon: When last we spoke, you said you needed time.

Amy: Well, it’s only been 11 hours.

Sheldon: The Lord of the Rings trilogy was nearly 11 hours. I made you watch that, you said it was an eternity.

Amy: Sheldon, when I’m ready to talk, I’ll let you know.

Sheldon: Very well. You seem to be headed somewhere. May I walk with you?

Amy: Sure.

Sheldon: Boy, I’m glad we’re going out again.

Amy: We’re not back together.

Sheldon: Why? Is there someone else? Just couldn’t wait for that first notch on your bedpost, could you?

Amy: If you must know, I’m going to Howard and Bernadette’s to watch the wedding.

Sheldon: And who’s this guy you’re taking?

Amy: There’s no guy.

Sheldon: Oh, you’re going to a wedding alone? That’s sad.

Amy: I’m not gonna be alone. I’ll be with my friends.

Sheldon: Your friends? Well, I think you mean my friends. And why wasn’t I invited to this?

Amy: Maybe because the two of us being there would make them feel awkward.

Sheldon: We make everyone feel awkward. That’s our thing.

Scene: The Wedding Chapel.

Leonard: They’re running a little behind. Should be pretty soon.

Penny: Okay.

Leonard: Hey, if you’re hungry, there’s a breakfast buffet at the strip club next door.

Penny: Thanks, but I don’t like glitter on my scrambled eggs.

Leonard: I don’t think the strippers prepare the meal, but okay. Look, it’s not how I pictured it either, but I’m still glad we’re doing it.

Penny: Me, too.

Leonard: You sure?

Penny: Yes.

Leonard: And you promise you’re okay with everything from the car?

Penny: Oh, my God, would you stop bringing it up?

Leonard: You’re right. I’m sorry. We have the rest of our lives to dredge stuff up from the past and fight about it. So what do you think? Should we run next door and grab a bite?

Penny: What if they call our names?

Leonard: Oh, don’t worry. They gave me this vibrating coaster.

Penny: Oh, and the fairy tale continues.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s House.

Amy: Thank you for doing this.

Bernadette: Our pleasure. You feeling okay?

Amy: We were together for so long, I honestly don’t know what I’m feeling.

Howard: Well, that’s understandable. You forgot. It’s called happy.

Bernadette: Howard.

Howard: I’m not saying anything bad. Just that she was in love with her captor and somehow managed to escape from his dark and crazy dungeon.

Stuart: I know what you’re going through. My, my, my last breakup was pretty tough.

Amy: Oh. What was her name?

Stuart: Hey, it’s a true story. I don’t need the third degree.

Bernadette: For God’s sake, Sheldon, what are you doing?

Sheldon: I didn’t want to come in. I was told it would make everyone feel uncomfortable. So I’ll just stay out here and pretend that I don’t have to go to the bathroom.

Bernadette: Howard, do something.

Howard: I’m on it.

Amy: Sheldon, you being here might not be making things better.

Sheldon: I see. And is that why everybody was invited but me?

Amy: They didn’t invite everybody but you.Bernadette invited me, and Stuart lives here.

Raj: Who wants hot cinnamon rolls?

Scene: The Wedding Chapel.

Official: So, when you hear the music, that’s your cue. Any questions?

Leonard: Oh, the package that we paid for said the aisle was supposed to be strewn with rose petals.

Official: Where are the rose petals?!

Female Voice We’re out

Leonard: You know what? It’s fine.

Female Voice: We can use the potpourri from the bathroom!

Penny: Really, we’re good.

Leonard: Yup, just want to get married.

Penny: Yeah.

Official: Great. I’ll see you two up there.

Leonard: This is it.

Penny: I know.

Leonard: I love you.

Penny: I love you, too.

Female Voice: Was that a yes or no on the potpourri?

Penny: No, thank you.

Leonard: We’re good.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s House.

Sheldon: Raj, you’re probably wondering why Amy and I aren’t showing any affection to one another.

Raj: Didn’t even crack the top ten.

Sheldon: Well, you should know that she recently broke up with me.

Amy: I said I needed time to think.

Raj: I’m sure you guys will figure something out.

Sheldon: You hear that? Raj is devastated.

Bernadette: Sheldon, shh. The wedding’s starting.

Sheldon: I see what’s happening. Sides are forming. Well, if Bernadette’s on Amy’s team, I pick Howard.

Howard: I’m not taking sides.

Sheldon: Fine, I guess I’m stuck with Raj.

Raj: Really?

Stuart: At least you got picked.

Scene: The Wedding Chapel.

Official: Before I go any further, have either of you prepared your own vows?

Leonard: Yes.

Penny: No. You wrote vows?

Leonard: Yeah.

Penny: Well, I don’t have any. You’re kind of making me look bad.

Leonard: It’s okay. I don’t have to say them.

Penny: No, no, no, go ahead. I’ll come up with something mushy, you’ll cry, we got this.

Leonard: Penny, we are made of particles that have existed since the moment the universe began. I like to think those atoms travelled 14 billion years through time and space to create us, so that we could be together and make each other whole.

Penny: Wow.

Official: Penny?

Penny: Right. Um, okay. Leonard, I mean, you’re not only the love of my life. I mean, you’re my best friend, and, you’ve got a friend in me. You got troubles. I got ’em, too. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you. We stick together, and we can see it through, ’cause you’ve got a friend in me.

Official: Is that the song from Toy Story?

Penny: He loves that movie.

Leonard: I do.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.

Bernadette: Aw, that was beautiful.

Howard: Yeah. I mean, not like our wedding beautiful.

Bernadette: No, we totally won.

Sheldon: Amy, I don’t understand, are we broken up or not? It’s like you can’t make up your mind.

Amy: It’s because you’re not giving me any space to think.

Sheldon: Well, you should think fast, because men can sire offspring their entire lives, but those eggs you’re toting around have a sell-by date.

Amy: You know what, Sheldon, you’ve made this really easy. You’re immature, you’re selfish, you just insulted me to my face. I don’t need any more time to think. We’re broken up.

Bernadette: Amy.

Sheldon: Will someone take me home?

Raj: Yeah. Come on, I’ll give you a ride.

Official (voice from computer) …symbolizes your eternal love. I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Penny: We did it.

Leonard: Yeah, I’m so glad you guys could watch.

Howard: We’ll say it was beautiful in the comment section.

Scene: Hotel corridor.

Leonard: No, no, no. Hang on. I believe I’m supposed to carry you across the threshold.

Penny: Can you?

Leonard: Who do you think carries Sheldon to bed when he falls asleep in front of the TV?

Penny: Okay, let’s do it. You gonna make it?

Leonard: I’m okay.

Penny: Nicely done.

Leonard: Thank you. Finally, there’s a Mrs. Hofstadter who isn’t disappointed in me.

Penny: Well, the night is still young.

Leonard: Everything all right?

Penny: Yeah. I guess.

Leonard: Just tell me.

Penny: It’s just, when we were kissing, I couldn’t help but picture you with that other girl.

Leonard: Oh, no. No, come on. I have a friend in you. You said so.

Penny: You’re right. Just forget it.

Leonard: Yeah. Okay, listen. If you’re imagining that it was sexy, it wasn’t. We, we were both drunk, and she smelled like an ashtray. The boat was moving a lot, so I chipped her tooth.

Penny: Did you feel guilty?

Leonard: No, she had dental insurance.

Penny: Did you feel guilty after kissing her?

Leonard: Yes. I felt guilty as soon as it happened. I feel guilty every time I see her.

Penny: What do you mean, every time you see her?

Leonard: What do I mean? Boy, that’s a toughie.

Penny: You still see her?

Leonard: Well, no, not socially. But, you know, just at work.

Penny: You work with her? How could you not tell me that?

Leonard: I wanted to tell you in the car, but you told me to stop talking

Penny: Oh, okay. So you’re saying this is my fault?

Leonard: No, of course not. Okay, look, instead of fighting, why don’t we dim the lights, um, get naked and make a baby? I was trying to lighten the mood. It’s not easy. You try it.

Scene: The apartment.

Sheldon (on phone): Hello, Mother.

Mrs Cooper: Shelly! How’s my baby doing?

Sheldon: I just wanted to let you know that you can remove Amy from your nightly prayers. Unless you’re open to praying for a beehive to fall on her head.

Mrs Cooper: Oh, what’s going on?

Sheldon: She broke up with me.

Mrs Cooper: Oh, Shelly.

Sheldon: No, I’ll be okay. But I think that I’d like to send the ring back to you.

Mrs Cooper: Well, let’s not be hasty. Are you sure it’s over for good?

Sheldon: It’s over for me. I’m done with women. Like when I swore off Pop Rocks. They both hurt you on purpose.

Mrs Cooper: You want to tell me what happened?

Sheldon: Are you going to say it’s all part of God’s plan?

Mrs Cooper: Good chance.

Sheldon: Then no, thank you.

Mrs Cooper: Well, honey, don’t send it back yet. Your sister’s married, and I’m not letting your brother give my grandmother’s ring to that whore he’s dating.

Sheldon: Wasn’t Mary Magdalene a woman of ill repute?

Mrs Cooper: When your idiot brother redeems mankind, he can date whoever he wants.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.

Bernadette: I know it hurts now, but it’s gonna get better.

Amy: Yeah.

Howard: Everything’s gonna be okay.

Stuart: You’ve got so much to offer.

Amy: Thank you.

Stuart: Any man would be lucky to have you.

Bernadette: That’s true.

Amy: I just hope I did the right thing.

Stuart: I’m sure you did. Maybe that’s the problem, you always do the right thing. Maybe it’s time to do the wrong thing.

Amy: Like you’re doing right now?

Stuart: Exactly.

Scene: The stairwell.

Leonard: I asked you over and over if you were okay. Why would you go through with the wedding if you weren’t?

Penny: I thought I was okay, but it turns out I’m not.

Leonard: Okay, listen, I may not have been entirely faithful, but you, you are not easy to lift.

Sheldon: Wow. Well, marriage must agree with you. Well, you are just glowing.

Leonard: I’m not glowing. I’m upset.

Sheldon: Well, whatever it is, it agrees with you.

Scene: Penny’s apartment.

Sheldon (outside): Knock, knock, knock, Penny? Knock, knock, knock, Penny? Knock, knock, knock, Penny?

Penny: What’s this?

Sheldon: Leonard told me what happened, so I took it upon myself to make you a hot beverage.

Penny: Oh. That’s so sweet of you.

Sheldon: Yeah. I know. Turns out, being sweet isn’t enough to keep a girl these days. I blame Madonna.

Penny: I’m sorry to hear about you and Amy.

Sheldon: Well, I’m sorry about Leonard. Thought I raised him better than that.

Penny: You know, it’s bad enough what happened, but then he tried to hide the fact that he sees her all the time at the university.

Sheldon: He does? Who is it?

Penny: Some girl named Mandy.

Sheldon: Mandy Chao?

Penny: Yeah.

Sheldon: Oh, you don’t need to worry about her. She’s brilliant and attractive. She can do way better

than Leonard.

Penny: That’s great.

Sheldon: Wait a minute. I know this may sound far fetched, but I’m on the market now. You know, if I dated Mandy, that would teach both Leonard and Amy a lesson.

Penny: That’s ridiculous.

Sheldon: Oh, you’re right. I could never be with a woman whose self-esteem was so low she’d be with Leonard.

Penny: I’m with Leonard.

Sheldon: Yeah, I know. Forever. Who would have believed these things would happen to us?

Penny: Right? I can’t believe Amy actually went through with it.

Sheldon: Hang on. You knew that she was going to end it with me? Did you try and stop her?

Penny: I told her to be true to herself and do what makes her happy.

Sheldon: Do what makes her happy? She plays the harp and her car is paid for. How much happier can she be?

Penny: Okay, look, it’s not my fault that she thought you were a bad boyfriend.

Sheldon: I see. Well, I think I’ll be going.

Penny: Sheldon.

Sheldon: No, no, no, no. We are done here. Would you mind opening the door and then angrily slamming it behind me?

Penny: Sure.

Sheldon: Thank you. And slam it hard, because I am pretty steamed.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.

Howard (on phone): All right, Leonard, hang in there. Talk to you tomorrow.

Bernadette: What happened? They just got married.

Howard: I don’t know. It’s a mess. They had a huge fight in Vegas.

Bernadette: Think they’ll break up?

Howard: I don’t know. Sounds pretty bad. Penny’s back in her apartment all by herself.

Stuart: Really?

Scene: The apartment.

Sheldon: Would you like to hear another reason why men are better than women?

Leonard: Sure, let’s make it an even hundred.

Sheldon: You would never kiss me and make me say I love you and then break up with me.

Leonard: I wouldn’t.

Sheldon: And you know why? ‘Cause you’re a man. The champagne of genders.

Leonard: Well, I may be a man, but I think I’m the one that screwed up on this one.

Sheldon: Yeah, well, and you admit it, like a man. All you hear women say is, I’ll just have a salad. You know? Where’s my lip gloss? I think this element should be called radium. That last one was Madame Curie.

Leonard: I figured that out.

Sheldon: You know what? She was kind of an honorary man. She had a penis made of science.

Leonard: Can’t believe I’m spending my wedding night with you.

Sheldon: Really? I never imagined it any other way.


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