Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance

Scene: The apartment.

Leonard: Did you hear about this study that found people that were cool and popular at 13 have problems succeeding later in life?

Raj: Hmm. I’m doing okay, and I was very popular at 13.

Penny: In school?

Raj: Oh, no. At home. The servants would sing to me, laugh at my jokes. I wish I knew their names.

Penny: Does the study say what happens to the unpopular kids?

Leonard: You tell me, you woke up in bed with one.

Sheldon: Listen to this. I just received an e-mail from Wil Wheaton. Leonard Nimoy’s son is working on a documentary that he started with his father before he passed away. It’s about Mr. Spock and his impact on our culture.

Leonard: Why is he writing to you?

Sheldon: Well, they’re looking for fans to interview, and Wil thought I’d be good for it.

Raj: Oh. Hey, high five.

Sheldon: Absolutely not. Yeah, Penny, you spent some time in front of the camera. Any words of advice?

Penny: Yes. Don’t take your shirt off just because the director said so.

Sheldon: This is a documentary about Mr. Spock. I’m sure if there’s nudity, it will be tasteful.

Credits sequence.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.

Bernadette: Hey. You got a minute?

Howard: Not really. Visigoths are kind of up my butt right now.

Bernadette: Pause the game, Howard.

Howard: Howard? Uh-oh. Make room, Visigoths. ‘Sup?

Bernadette: We need to talk about redecorating this place.

Howard: Oh, no, not this again.

Bernadette: Look, I get that you grew up here and you’re attached to things looking a certain way, but I want this to feel like my house, too.

Howard: Oh, honey, of course it’s your house. Why else would you be cleaning it all the time?

Bernadette: All right. Let’s start over. I’m redecorating. The furniture, the carpeting, the walls. I’m changing everything that depresses me when I look at it. Try not to be one of those things.

Howard: May I say something?

Bernadette: Is it about how I can’t have new wallpaper ’cause your dad left when you were little and your mom died?

Howard: Never mind.

Scene: The apartment.

Sheldon (on phone): Hello, Amy. It’s Sheldon. Yeah, I, I know that we’re broken up, but I’m leaving this message because I thought perhaps you’d like to watch me be interviewed for a documentary about Mr. Spock. Or as I like to call it, a Spockumentary. Yeah, I’m going to use that joke in the interview, so try to laugh like you’re hearing it for the first time. You know, hysterically, hmm? And with a tinge of sadness that I’m no longer in your life.

Leonard: I’m the one who thought of Spockumentary.

Penny: And I’m laughing like I did the first time I heard it.

Sheldon (answering door): Hello.

Wil Wheaton: Hey, Sheldon. This is Adam Nimoy.

Adam: Nice to meet you.

Sheldon: Oh, it’s nice to meet you. I admire your father’s work very much. It’s not every day I get to meet someone whose life’s journey began in my hero’s scrotum.

Wil: I told you. This guy is gold.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.

Bernadette: Whatcha doing?

Howard: Oh. Making myself a bologna sandwich like my mom used to make me after my dad left, but before she died.

Bernadette: Okay, listen, I’m thinking that maybe we can compromise on the house.

Howard: I’m listening.

Bernadette: Let’s just redo one room and see how it goes.

Howard: That is reasonable. But what room?

Bernadette: How ’bout this one?

Howard: No way. No, this is the room I associate the most with my mom.

Bernadette: Then how ’bout the bathroom?

Howard: I want to change my answer.

Bernadette: Fine. Then the dining room.

Howard: I guess we didn’t use it very often. Unless we had company. Which didn’t happen much after my dad left and not at all after my mom…

Bernadette: Great. I’m gonna go pick out paint samples.

Scene: The apartment.

Adam: All right, we’re just gonna have a conversation. Pretend the camera’s not here.

Sheldon: All right. But this better not be some elaborate scheme to get me out of my shirt.

Leonard: How long have you known Adam?

Wil: A few years.

Leonard: And what are you getting him back for?

Adam: Let’s start with your name and occupation.

Sheldon: Dr. Sheldon Cooper, theoretical physicist, Caltech.

Adam: And what is your earliest memory of the character Spock?

Sheldon: The first episode of Star Trek: The Original Series I ever saw was The Galileo Seven. Uh, Spock had just landed on the planet Taurus II. Then my brother came in, sat on my head, and said eat farts. After that day, I was hooked. On Star Trek, not my brother’s sphincter-based cuisine.

Adam: What was it about Spock that appealed to you?

Sheldon: I think the same thing that appeals to people everywhere, the dream of a cold, rational world entirely without human emotion. Spock came from a planet governed only by logic. You know, on Vulcan, when your brother asks, why are you hitting yourself? the answer is, I’m not. You’re moving my arm. To which he says, Fascinating. And then you both watch educational television.

Penny: Aw. When he says things like that, I just want to hug him and make everything better.

Leonard: My brother was mean to me, too.

Penny: Yeah, you probably had it coming.

Adam: Do you have any Spock collectibles?

Sheldon: I have many. My most treasured is an autographed napkin given to me by my very thoughtful friend Penny. That’s her over there.

Penny: Hi. Look at that. I’m in a movie, my shirt stayed on.

Adam: Can we see the napkin?

Sheldon: Of course. Excuse me. This will just take a moment.

Leonard: When did we get a wall safe?

Sheldon: When there was no more room in the floor safe.

Leonard: When did we get a floor safe?

Sheldon: When we got the security camera.

Leonard: There’s a security camera?

Sheldon: Aquaman, protecting your home since 2012.

Penny: Oh, my God. We’ve done things on that couch.

Sheldon: Yeah. You don’t have to tell me.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.

Raj: So, your father-in-law is in there right now?

Howard: Yes. So back me up. The house is good the way it is.

Raj: Oh, okay. Got it.

Howard: Hey. What’s going on?

Raj: Hey.

Bernadette: Hey, Raj. Dad and I were just talking about taking down this wall.

Raj: You sure? It’s a pretty great wall.

Mr Rostenkowski: What’s so great about it?

Raj: I’m sorry. I did what I could.

Bernadette: Seriously? You brought Raj over to take your side?

Howard: Your dad’s on your side.

Bernadette: He’s not on my side. He’s doing all the work for free.

Raj: That is so generous of you. I’d like to switch sides.

Howard: Look, uh, I don’t even think you can take this wall down ’cause it’s load-bearing.

Raj: Well, it’s easy to find out. Just go into the crawlspace under the house and check.

Howard: When is your visa up?

Scene: The apartment.

Sheldon: Not only is it signed to me but this is where he wiped his mouth. So we are currently in the presence of Leonard Nimoy’s DNA.

Wil: Um, doesn’t Adam count as Leonard Nimoy’s DNA?

Sheldon: No offence, but this is pure 100% Nimoy. Because of your mother, you’re only 50%. Which isn’t bad, but anything that you wipe your mouth on gets thrown away.

Penny: Okay, enough about the napkin. What else you hiding in there?

Sheldon: Wouldn’t you like to know?

Penny: I would.

Sheldon: All right then. See? Just my valuables. My passport, uh, my will.

Leonard: You have a will?

Sheldon: Yeah. My 1/18 scale Wil Wheaton action figure. I also have the other kind of will, and in it I will my Wil back to Wil.

Leonard: Will Wil want it?

Wil: Wil won’t.

Penny: Oh, what’s that ring box?

Sheldon: Oh. That is an engagement ring that I was going to give my girlfriend Amy.

Penny: What?

Leonard: You bought her a ring?

Sheldon: No, no. This has been in my family for generations. Except for a short time when Comanches cut off my great-great-great-grandmother’s finger and stole it.

Wil: Sheldon, that’s awful.

Sheldon: No. The Texas Rangers tracked them down to their village and slaughtered every last one of them. It was a happy ending. Well, for my nine-fingered Nana.

Penny: Okay, back to the ring. Does Amy even know about this?

Sheldon: No. She broke up with me before I could broach the subject.

Leonard: Oh, man, I’m sorry, that must have been devastating for you.

Sheldon: No, not at all. No, I’m fine. You know, Amy had reservations about our relationship, so all worked out for the best.

Penny: I know. It just…

Sheldon (shouting): I said I’m fine! (Long pause) We’ve gotten a little off-topic. Allow me to make things entertaining again in this little Spockumentary. That was Leonard’s joke. As a child, when faced with a dilemma, my mother encouraged me to ask what would Jesus do? The answer to that was always love thy neighbour. But my neighbour had a dead tooth, so that wasn’t going to happen. But that’s why I changed it to, what would Spock do?

Adam: Did you find that helpful?

Sheldon: Yes. Oh, for example, three years ago when I discovered Penny was eating all my Pop-Tarts, instead of getting angry or vindictive, you know, I got a floor safe.

Penny: I knew I could smell ’em.

Adam: What about from when you were a kid?

Sheldon: Oh, certainly. Uh, when I was eight years old, Billy Sparks cornered me in the playground. I asked myself what would Spock do? Then I grabbed Billy on his shoulder and performed my first Vulcan nerve pinch.

Adam: Did it work?

Sheldon: Oh, no, he broke my collarbone. I can still hear it click.

Adam: That must have been very upsetting for you.

Sheldon: Oh, not at all. As I said, the entire point of emulating Spock was to rise above human emotion, which I’ve spent a lifetime mastering.

Penny: Oh pfft.

Sheldon: Excuse me?

Penny: I’m sorry. I’m not here.

Sheldon: No. You went pfft. What does pfft mean?

Penny: Um.

Leonard: You did go pfft.

Penny: All right, fine. Well, Sheldon, I’m no expert, but aren’t you completely missing the point of Spock? I mean, he liked to act like he had no emotions, but he was still half human.

Leonard: Just like you.

Penny: I’m just saying, you pretend you don’t, but you have feelings just like everybody else.

Sheldon: Not true. No, look at me. I had an engagement ring to give a girl, and instead, she rejected me. And am I emotional about that? No. No, I am sitting here on a couch, talking about my favourite TV character like nothing happened. ‘Cause I am just like him, all logical, all the time.

Penny: Sweetie, you’re yelling.

Sheldon: Because when I speak at a regular volume, no one seems to believe me that I’ve put this Amy nonsense behind me.

Wil: This documentary is gonna be awesome.

Scene: The crawlspace under Howard and Bernadette’s house.

Mr Rostenkowski: You gonna be okay down here?

Howard: Yeah. Yeah, I feel like an archaeologist. Indiana Jones and the Single-Family Dwelling. Hey. Look. Found a seashell.

Mr Rostenkowski: Yeah, that’s a rat skull.

Howard: Oh.

Mr Rostenkowski: Relax. There’s enough droppings down here without you making more.

Howard: Sorry. Do you have a sense of where we are?

Mr Rostenkowski: Yeah. I think that’s the den.

Howard: Oh. Okay, so we must be under the dining room.

Mr Rostenkowski: Uh-huh. Yep. You know, I know you don’t want to hear this, but it wouldn’t take that much work to turn that den into a nursery.

Howard: Why wouldn’t I want to hear it?

Mr Rostenkowski: ‘Cause Bernie said you didn’t want kids.

Howard: That’s not true at all. I wish she’d get pregnant, believe me. I’m climbing on top of her every chance I get. In a loving and respectful manner. The point is, I really do want kids.

Mr Rostenkowski: Huh.

Howard: I don’t know why she’s lying to you. She’s the one who doesn’t want kids. In fact, every time I bring up the subject…

Bernadette (above): Earthquake.

Howard: Oh, my God, we’re gonna die.

Bernadette: Aftershock.

Scene: The apartment.

Penny: I can’t believe Sheldon was gonna ask Amy to marry him.

Leonard: I know. I also can’t believe he watched what we did on that couch and still sits on it.

Penny: Yeah.

Sheldon: Hello.

Leonard: Hey, buddy. How you doing?

Sheldon: Better. Did Wil and Adam leave?

Leonard: Yeah.

Sheldon: Do you think they’re going to put my outburst in the documentary?

Leonard: Oh, yeah.

Penny: Definitely.

Sheldon: Well, there’s no point in dwelling on it. As the Vulcans say, Kup-fun-tor ha’kiv na’ish Du stau.

Penny: Do you know what that means?

Leonard: No.

Penny: Are you telling the truth?

Leonard: Nirsh.

Sheldon: Well, this is ridiculous. Being upset about Amy all the time isn’t accomplishing anything. If I want to resolve this situation, then I need to take action.

Penny: What are you gonna do?

Sheldon: I’m going to find her and ask her to marry me. And if she says yes, we can put this behind us and resume our relationship. And if she says no, well, then she can just ponfo miran.

Leonard: He didn’t meant that.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.

Bernadette: So I should probably explain why I kind of fibbed.

Howard: That would be nice.

Bernadette: I told my dad that you were the one who didn’t want kids because I didn’t want to disappoint him.

Howard: But you were okay throwing me under the bus?

Bernadette: Turns out yeah, I didn’t think twice about it.

Mr Rostenkowski: Bernie, you don’t need to worry about me. But I don’t want to see you miss out. Raising children was the most rewarding experience of my life.

Bernadette: Oh, please. Mom did everything. All you did was come home from work, sit on the couch and drink beer. How is that raising kids?

Mr Rostenkowski: This is really a conversation for husband and wife. I’m gonna go clean up, hit the road. If your mother asks, I was here till ten.

Raj: It’s interesting your father didn’t help around the house and Howard doesn’t help, either, so in a way, Howard’s not only like your father, but he’s also like the child that you’re afraid to have.

Howard: Why are you still here?

Raj: Fine, I’ll leave. But it sounds like somebody needs a fresh diaper.

Howard: All right, I admit that I don’t help out a lot. And I need to work on that. But if we had a kid, it would be different.

Bernadette: Why?

Howard: Because when my dad left, I promised myself that if I ever had a chance to be a father I’d always be there.

Bernadette: Okay, I’ll think about it.

Howard: And this an actual I’ll think about it, not like the can we get a motorcycle with a sidecar I’ll think about it”?

Bernadette: It’s an actual I’ll think about it.

Howard: I really believe I’d be a great dad.

Bernadette: I know you would.

Howard: Speaking of making babies, what do you say I wash up and poke around your crawlspace?

Scene: The street. Sheldon sees Amy with another man. He leaves.

Scene: The apartment.

Kirk (on screen): Dr. Dana feels he isn’t that dangerous. What makes you right and a trained psychiatrist wrong?

Spock (on screen): Because she feels. I don’t. All I know is logic.

Sheldon: Yeah, right. You can just shut your feelings off. There goes television, lying to us again. We let you raise our children, and this is the thanks we get. Leonard, how could I have been so foolish to try and follow in the footsteps of a made-up alien race with no emotions?

Leonard: Well now instead of idolizing fictional characters, you can focus on the real people who are already in your life.

Sheldon: Those are very wise words.

Leonard: Thank you.

Sheldon: They’d just be so much more comforting if they came out of a television.

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