Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation

Scene: The stairwell

Amy: So Sheldon, there’s something I’ve been wanting to talk about but I know it’s kind of a touchy subject.

Leonard: Way to narrow it down to everything.

Sheldon: What is it?

Amy: Well, your birthday’s coming up, and you’ve never let us celebrate it, and I was hoping maybe this year we could.

Sheldon: Oh, I suppose that’s a discussion we could have.

Amy: Okay, great, I mean, it doesn’t have to be a big party or anything. I was just, where’d he go?

Penny: W, wait a minute. You mention his birthday and he vanishes?

Leonard: Well, where’s that information been this whole time?

Credits sequence.

Scene: The apartment.

Penny: Well, where is he?

Amy: Sheldon?

Leonard: I’ll check his room.

Sheldon: Surprise.

Penny: Oh, my God.

Sheldon: Just one example of how birthdays can be terrible. Now, can we please drop this subject and pick a new one? I suggest how thick can a soup get before it becomes a stew? You know, the answer, it may surprise you.

Amy: I’m sorry I brought it up.

Penny: Yeah, what is the problem? Is it about getting older?

Sheldon: Please, look at this porcelain skin. I’m like a human sink.

Amy: But it’s the one day a year that’s just all about you.

Leonard: One day. Right.

Amy: Can you please just tell me why?

Sheldon: Fine. As you know, I have a twin sister with whom I obviously share a birthday. Every year we’d have a party. No one I invited would ever come, because they didn’t like me.

Amy: I’m sorry.

Sheldon: Oh, that part wasn’t so bad. I didn’t like them, either. But then I’d inevitably spend the whole day being tortured by my sister’s friends.

Penny: Oh, poor thing.

Sheldon: When I was six, they told me Batman was coming to my party. I waited by the door for hours. Closest thing to Batman I saw was when a robin flew into the window.

Amy: You realize none of those things would happen now?

Sheldon: I do, but why do you care if I celebrate my birthday at all?

Amy: Well, you made my last birthday so memorable, I wanted to return the favour.

Penny: You know, if you had a party now, you have plenty of friends that would love to come.

Leonard: And we live here, so we have no choice.

Penny: Yeah.

Sheldon: Very well. You may celebrate my life by throwing a party with cake, presents and a shower of admiration and love. But then you owe me big-time.

Scene: The comic book store.

Howard: You have any idea what you’re getting Sheldon for his birthday?

Raj: He’s been fascinated with dinosaurs lately. Maybe we could get him a fossil.

Leonard: Well, just don’t get anything Jurassic. He feels like that whole chunk of time has gone Hollywood. Hey, uh, you know, he told a sad story about how his sister tricked him into thinking Batman was coming to his party.

Howard: That’s funny. Let’s do that.

Leonard: Maybe we could get Batman to actually show up.

Raj: You mean, some guy in a lame suit?

Leonard: Or a real Batman. Hey, Stuart? Didn’t you try to get Adam West to do a signing here once?

Stuart: Yeah, but there was kind of a scheduling conflict. He, uh, wanted to know when he’d get paid. And I wouldn’t tell him.

Leonard: Can I get his contact info?

Stuart: Sure, uh, but just so you know, he’s kind of a diva.

Leonard: He is?

Stuart: Oh, yeah. Won’t take the bus. He won’t pack his own lunch. Won’t let you spend the night on his couch.

Scene: The apartment.

Amy: Okay, so how do you feel about party balloons?

Sheldon: Uh, Mylar balloons, yes. Latex balloons, no. Water balloons, I will jump off the roof and aim for your car.

Penny: All right, what about music?

Sheldon: I enjoy marching bands and Tibetan throat singing.

Penny: No music it is.

Bernadette: What kind of cake do you like?

Sheldon: Well, my favourite is chocolate with strawberry frosting, three layers, and if there’s writing on it, make sure it’s not all caps. I don’t need my dessert yelling at me.

Scene: Leonard’s car.

Raj: Hey, so what was Adam West like on the phone?

Leonard: Uh, nice guy. But it was a little weird to hear Batman say don’t ring the doorbell or my poodles will go crazy.

Raj: You know, Adam West is my favourite Batman? Well, after Michael Keaton, Christian Bale and Batman from The Lego Movie.

Howard: Don’t say that to him.

Raj: What? He beat out George Clooney, and that’s something. Like, I love me some Clooney.

Leonard: Don’t say that to anyone.

Scene: The apartment.

Penny: Thank you so much for helping us, Stuart.

Stuart: Oh, I, I was just glad to be invited. To be honest, I don’t always feel like I’m part of the group.

Penny: Okay, sweetie, we’re on the clock here. Can you hate yourself and frost at the same time?

Barry: Hewwo, I hope I’m not too earwy.

Bernadette: No, no, no. Come on in.

Barry: And how is the wadiant mommy-to-be?

Bernadette: Doing great.

Stuart: You, you’re pregnant?

Bernadette: Yeah.

Stuart: Sounds like something a member of the group might know.

Penny: Yeah, birthday party first. Pity party later.

Scene: Leonard’s car.

Leonard: Are you crazy? How can you put Michael Keaton in front of Christian Bale?

Adam West: Oh, please. Even my poodles know Bale’s overrated.

Raj: Thank you. That’s why I say Keaton’s number one. He brought a sense of humour to the role.

Adam: Oh, if you’re gonna factor in a sense of humour, then I should be at the top of the list. It should be me, Keaton, Kilmer, Lego, Bale, and that pretty boy Clooney.

Howard: Really? You’re ahead of Bale? The man who personified the words, I’m Batman.

Adam: I never had to say I’m Batman. I showed up, people knew I was Batman. Everywhere I went, on the TV show, mall openings, Julie Newmar’s bungalow.

Leonard: I’m sold, you’re ahead of Bale.

Adam: There’s another reason I should be higher on the list. All those other guys had muscles built into their costumes. All I had in my Batsuit was 100%, grade-A West.

Howard: Can we just all agree we’re worried about Affleck?

Leonard: Sure.

Raj: Yeah, of course.

Adam: What’s an Affleck?

Scene: Penny’s apartment.

Sheldon: Is there a reason I had to leave my own apartment?

Amy: Well, I think they just want you to see it for the first time all decorated.

Sheldon: But who’s gonna tell them they’re doing it wrong?

Amy: Well, I’m, I’m sure they’ll ask you to give a speech, and that’s when you just tear ’em a new one. Have to say, you, you do look good in that suit.

Sheldon: Oh. Thank you.

Amy: Maybe later I’ll, uh, get to see you in your birthday suit.

Sheldon: But this is my birthday suit. Are you having a stroke? Because that’s the kind of thing that just ruins a birthday party.

Scene: The apartment.

Leonard: So, Mother, I’m surprised you came all this way for Sheldon’s birthday.

Beverley: Oh, I was happy to. He did come to my 60th.

Leonard: Oh. You had a party for your 60th?

Beverley: Oh, I wouldn’t call it a party. Just a few close friends. And your sister and brother.

Penny: You know, to be fair, we did get married in Vegas and didn’t invite her.

Beverley: And I never did thank you for that, dear.

Scene: Penny’s apartment.

Amy: Oh. Penny says everyone’s there. Are you ready?

Sheldon: I am. Oh. Wait.

Amy: Are you all right?

Sheldon: No, I just, I got a little light-headed.

Amy: Oh, do you need a minute?

Sheldon: No. No, if I can walk past that pet shop with the parrot in the window, I suppose I can do this.

All: Happy birthday!

Leonard: Speech! Speech!

Raj: Come on, Sheldon, say something.

Sheldon: Uh, um, uh, thank you all so much for coming. Beverly. Wil Wheaton. Adam West, for some reason.

Leonard: Batman finally came to your party.

Adam: Happy birthday, Sherman.

Sheldon: Thank you. This is all so thoughtful. Excuse me.

Adam: I still get paid, don’t I?

Scene: A little later.

Leonard: Okay, I’d better go in there and talk to him.

Amy: Well, don’t you think I’m the one who should go in?

Leonard: No offence, but I’ve known the guy a really long time.

Amy: Well, I’ve, you know, seen him without pants on.

Leonard: Again, no offence, but so have I.

Amy: Well, he’s seen me without pants on.

Leonard: Again, no…

Penny: Okay, this is ridiculous. (Knocking) Sheldon? Can I come in?

Sheldon: How do you know I’m not using the facilities?

Penny: Because you e-mail me your bathroom schedule once a week, even though I’ve clicked unsubscribe, like, a thousand times. So, what’s going on?

Sheldon: I don’t know. I looked around the room, and I saw all the faces and the presents, and it, it was just too much.

Penny: I get that. Hey, you want to just bring a few people in here? You know, Wil Wheaton in the bathtub, Batman on the toilet. It’ll be like the weirdest Comic-Con ever.

Sheldon: I know that you worked hard to put this together. I’m sorry I’m ruining it.

Penny: Oh, pl, you’re not ruining it. Look, at some point, Raj will try to get everyone to do the Electric Slide. Now, that will ruin it.

Sheldon: I don’t think I can go back out there.

Penny: That’s fine. You know, I hate that your sister and her friends used to torture you. But what I hate even more is, if I was there, I would have tortured you, too.

Sheldon: Based on this pep talk, I’d say you’re still doing it.

Penny: My point is, there was a time I never would’ve been friends with someone like you, and now you are one of my favourite people. So, if what you need is to spend your birthday in a bathroom, I’m happy to do it with you.

Sheldon: Well, everyone will think I’m weird.

Penny: Sweetie, you are weird. Everyone knows you’re weird, but they’re all still here because they care about you so much.

Barry (knocking): Hewwo. Some of us need to check our hair because we might have a shot with Weonard’s mother.

Scene: Later.

Leslie Winkle: Leonard.

Leonard: Hey.

Leslie: It’s been a while.

Leonard: Leslie. I can’t remember the last time we talked. So much has changed.

Leslie: Has it?

Leonard: Yeah, uh, um, Penny and I got married.

Leslie: Wow, congratulations. You know, actually, I thought you’d be living with Sheldon forever.

Leonard: Yeah, well, don’t be a stranger.

Penny: Okay, everybody, Sheldon is gonna come back out, but I think he’s a little embarrassed, so let’s all be extra nice, okay?

Barry: What are you wooking at me for? I’m a saint. But a sinner in the sack.

Sheldon: Hello, everyone. I, I’d like to apologize for my behaviour. I hope it hasn’t put a damper on the party. So, please, enjoy yourselves. Oh, this is quickly getting out of hand.

Amy: If I may, I, I’d like to propose a toast. Um, thank you all for coming tonight. I know it’s customary for the birthday boy to receive presents, but I feel like I got the greatest gift the day he was born.

General cheers.

Sheldon: Aw, Amy, that was lovely. You know, this is fun. Let’s do more. Someone else say something wonderful about me.

Howard: Sheldon, I don’t think everyone…

Sheldon: Wolowitz, perfect. Everyone listen to Wolowitz.

Howard: Okay, then, uh, Sheldon, we’ve known each other a long time. And it is a pleasure to work with you and call you my friend.

Sheldon: Little generic. Keep thinking. We’ll circle back. Wil Wheaton, go.

Wil: Sheldon, I know that we’ve had our ups and downs, but I can honestly say that my life is so much more interesting because you are in it. We may have met because you are a fan of Star Trek. But I have become a fan of Sheldon Cooper. Live long and prosper, buddy. And happy birthday.

General cheers.

Sheldon: That’s how you do it, Wolowitz. Now you see why he’s famous and you’re not.

Beverley: Sheldon, I know the future holds great things for you, and we all can’t wait to see what they are. Happy birthday, dear.

General cheers.

Barry: Someone caw Animal Contwol. There’s a cougar on the woose.

Beverley: Barry, stop.

Leonard: Seriously, Barry, stop.

Raj: And it was Gandhi who said, live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.

Sheldon: And it was Sheldon Cooper who said let’s speed this up. A lot of people want to talk.

Leslie: Uh, in the past, I would’ve said something obnoxious, like, happy birthday, dumbass. But I’m not gonna do it. You and I have both grown a lot, and it’s just so nice to see you all again. So, happy birthday, Sheldon.

Sheldon: Oh. Oh, now, you know I hate change. Say it.

Leslie: Happy birthday, dumbass.

General cheers.

Adam: Happy birthday, young man. And if any of you have enjoyed seeing me here today, I’m also available for Comic-Cons, bachelor parties, bar mitzvahs…

Bernadette: I can’t think of anything to say that hasn’t already been said, so, here’s to you, Sheldon.

General cheers.

Sheldon: Thank you, Bernadette. That was perfect.

Howard: What? You gotta be kidding me?

Leonard: Sheldon, we’ve been together so long, it’s hard to remember a time you weren’t in my life. And believe me, I try. You make me laugh. You make me a better scientist. You make me crazy. You’re more than just my roommate, you’re my brother.

Sheldon: Thank you.

Leonard: Happy birthday, buddy.

General cheers.

Sheldon: Thank you. That, that was wonderful.

Penny: Oh, wait, wait, wait. Stuart didn’t get to speak.

Stuart: Oh, oh, okay. Um, uh, Sheldon, I’ve spent most of my life feeling invisible, but having you and everyone…

Amy: Hey, everybody, listen up.

Penny: You nailed it.

Amy: We’ve got someone who couldn’t be here but really wanted to wish you a happy birthday.

Stephen Hawking (on Skype): Hello, Sheldon.

Sheldon: Professor Hawking.

Stephen: Happy birthday to you.

Sheldon: Thank you so much. I can’t believe you’re…

Stephen: Happy birthday to you.

Sheldon: Oh, you’re singing. Well, I’m sorry.

Stephen: Happy birthday, dear Sheldon.

Leonard: Uh, Professor Hawking, if you just give us one second, we’ll light the candles, and we can all sing together.

Stephen: I was crushing it, but all right.

Penny: Okay, while they get the cake, Sheldon, I just want to say, I hope you didn’t think you were gonna get through tonight without a hug.

Sheldon: You know, I used to hate these hugs. Now they’re just extremely irritating.

Leonard: Ready when you are, Professor Hawking.

Stephen: And a one, and a two…

All: Happy birthday to you,

Happy birthday to you,

Happy birthday, dear Sheldon,

Happy birthday to you.

General cheers.

Adam: So, who’s taking me home?


 
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