Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion

Scene: The apartment.

Amy (on Skype): I didn’t understand your e-mail.

Sheldon: Uh, can you repeat that? You’re breaking up.

Amy: I didn’t understand your e-mail.

Sheldon: Ah. Yeah, I had to get a little creative because the S, R and M keys on my laptop stopped working.

Amy: Deaw Aby, could you pleathe dwive be to the twain thtow thubtibe tobowow?

Sheldon: So, is that a yes?

Amy: Sheldon, why don’t you get a new computer? You know that one’s out-of-date.

Sheldon: Oh, but I like this computer.

Amy: The video is failing, and the sound is cutting out.

Sheldon: I’m sorry, I didn’t get that.

Amy: The video is failing, and the sound is cutting out.

Sheldon: The sound is cutting out. I can’t read that. The video is failing.

Amy: Get a new computer.

Sheldon: What?

Amy: Get a new computer.

Sheldon: What? (Answering phone) Hello?

Amy (on phone) Get a new computer.

Credits sequence.

Scene: Howard’s workshop.

Leonard: This is cool. When was the last time you and I built something together?

Howard: Scientifically? A little over a year ago. LEGOs? Last week in my room.

Leonard: If there was a Nobel Prize for Millennium Falcons that fall apart when you pick them up, we’d be set.

Penny: Hey, guys.

Leonard: Hey. What are you doing here?

Bernadette: We heard there were some sexy scientists working hard all weekend.

Penny: Yup, so we brought you some lunch and we are gonna go look for ’em.

Leonard: Soup, sandwiches and emasculation, just like my mom used to make.

Penny: So, how’s it goin’?

Leonard: Good. Slow.

Howard: There’s a lot of tedious setup, but once we get through that it should go quicker.

Penny: Is there anything we can do to help?

Leonard: You know what, this part isn’t that technical. You actually could.

Penny: Wow, really? Called my bluff. All righty then.

Bernadette: Can we really help?

Howard: While we finish soldering these boards, it’d be great if you guys could wrap these pipe fittings with Teflon tape.

Leonard: I’ll show you how to do one.

Penny: Hey, wouldn’t it be funny if after all your years of hard work, I’m the one who makes a scientific breakthrough? He doesn’t think that’s funny.

Scene: The apartment.

Amy: I got here as quickly as I could.

Sheldon: You’re too late.

Amy: Sheldon, this is silly.

Sheldon: You got emotional when that lab monkey died.

Amy: That lab monkey told me he loved me in sign language.

Sheldon: Great. Now I’m gonna have that song in my head all day.

Amy: Look, I’m, I’m sorry for your loss, but I think I have something that might make you feel better. I got you a new computer.

Sheldon: How could you do that?

Amy: Do what?

Sheldon: Choosing a new laptop Is an incredibly personal ritual. You have taken away weeks of agonizing thought, tedious research, sleepless nights filled with indecision. I, haven’t I lost enough today?

Amy: Well, the guy at the store said this one is great.

Sheldon: Oh, oh, the guy. Oh, pardon me. I didn’t realize you’d spoken to the guy. Yeah, tell me, did the guy choose one with a 4K display and a Thunderbolt port?

Amy: Yes.

Sheldon: Yeah? Did the guy make sure that this has a one terabyte solid-state drive?

Amy: Yes.

Sheldon: Yeah? Oh, well, was this guy Rick from Computer Solutions on Colorado?

Amy: Yes.

Sheldon: Yeah, well, he does know his stuff.

Scene: Howard’s workshop.

Leonard: After you wrap the body in reflective tape, the ends get Teflon tape so we can get a tight seal.

Penny: Like this?

Leonard: Yeah, perfect.

Penny: Oh.

Leonard: And it helps to have small, delicate fingers. So don’t be discouraged if you can’t do it as fast as me and Howard.

Howard: I don’t know if we have enough solder to finish these circuit boards.

Leonard: We had a full spool yesterday.

Howard: What can I say, I play hard, I solder even harder.

Bernadette: Sometimes he solders at home with his shirt off. It’s like a beer commercial.

Leonard: Well, we got to make a run to the hardware store.

Penny: How can you call yourself a scientist and run out of solder?

Leonard: Well, funny story. So, we have plenty of the 60/40 tin-to-lead ratio solder, but the spools look a lot like the 63/37 tin-to-lead…

Penny: Honey, honey, honey, let me stop you. That is, is not a funny story.

Howard: You want to come with us?

Bernadette: I’m kind of getting into the groove here.

Penny: Yeah, you guys run to the store and let the women handle the science for a change.

Leonard: Okay. We’ll be back as soon as we can.

Penny: Okay, so what is solder?

Scene: The apartment.

Sheldon: I suppose I should set this up. Or would you like to rob me of that, too?

Amy: Knock it off or I’ll start making W-H sounds for words that just have a W.

Sheldon: You wouldn’t.

Amy: Whatch me.

Sheldon: Fine. I’m sorry. Thank you for the thoughtful gift. I really do appreciate it. As you know, I had become attached to my old laptop. But I’m sure, in time, that this one will… Jeepers creepers, that started up fast.

Amy: I thought you might like it.

Sheldon: Look at the 4K resolution. Next time we Skype, I’m gonna count all those nostril hairs.

Amy: Or you could just look into my eyes.

Sheldon: But you only have two eyes. You got a lot of nostril hairs.

Amy: Well, you know, as long as you’re happy.

Sheldon: Oh. I am.

Amy: And Rick said you could bring in your old one to recycle it.

Sheldon: Oh. Uh, no, no, no, thank you.

Amy: Oh, but he said you can get store credit.

Sheldon: Well, no, I just, I, I don’t want to recycle it. And I don’t want store credit.

Amy: But why wouldn’t…

Sheldon: Can we please change the subject?

Amy: Okay. How ’bout we change it to why you’re being weird about this?

Sheldon: I’m not being weird. I, it’s hard to explain.

Amy: Sheldon, just tell me.

Sheldon: It might be easier to show you.

Amy: Okay.

Sheldon: We’d have to take your car.

Amy: All right.

Sheldon: And I’m gonna need you to sign a non-disclosure agreement.

Amy: Well, I signed one before we slept together. Why not now?

Scene: A street.

Leonard: Penny says they’re having fun working on the prototype.

Howard: Remember when her fun was nightclubs and drinking games?

Leonard: I know. I’m lowering the bar so slowly. This time next year she’ll have a coin collection.

Man: Excuse me. You guys interested in a free screening of an upcoming movie?

Leonard: Oh. Sorry, we can’t.

Howard: Well, hang on. What movie is it?

Man: Oh, I can’t tell you. But it does star Will Smith.

Howard: Wait. I bet it’s Suicide Squad. Let’s check it out.

Leonard: What about the girls?

Howard: Penny just said they’re having fun. Honestly, you want to wrap tape around a bunch of pipe fittings all afternoon?

Leonard: Okay, we’ll take ’em. But, I swear, if it’s Will Smith in Shark Tale 2, it better be at least as good as the original.

Scene: Howard’s workshop.

Penny: I mean, it’s crazy, isn’t it? I moved here from Nebraska to be an actress, and now I’m sitting in an engineering lab at Caltech helping to build a prototype for a high-tech guidance system.

Bernadette: It is crazy. It’s also crazy that I’ve made fourteen of these and you’ve made three.

Raj: Hey. Where are the guys?

Penny: Oh, they went to the store to get solder, which is metal you melt to make science things.

Bernadette: Since when do you work on weekends?

Raj: I’m an astrophysicist. The stars don’t take a day off.

Penny: You were home alone and had no one to play with?

Raj: Well, the cleaning lady was there, but she doesn’t like me. You need any help?

Bernadette: Not with Lightning McQueen here.

Penny: I think we’re good.

Raj: Okay. That’s cool. I guess everybody’s involved in this project but me. So, see ya.

Bernadette: I feel bad. Should we have asked him to stay?

Raj (from outside): Yes.

Scene: Amy’s car.

Amy: Will you please tell me where we’re going?

Sheldon: Sorry, you’re on a need-to-know basis.

Amy: I’m driving the car. I need to know.

Sheldon: Right.

Amy: So where are we going?

Sheldon: No, I meant turn right, and you missed it. Maybe you do need to know.

Scene: The cinema.

Leonard: What are we gonna tell the girls?

Howard: It’s not a problem.

Leonard: I mean without lying.

Howard: And now you’ve made it a problem.

Leonard: Come on. We’re a couple of smart guys. I’m sure we can come up with a way to explain this that doesn’t make us look bad.

Penny (at Howard’s workshop, reading text): Oh, the boys had to drive all the way to San Bernardino for the solder and got a flat.

Leonard: They bought it.

Howard: But we’re gonna have to put the spare on before we go back.

Leonard: Oh, you’re good at this.

Howard: Well, I lie a lot.

Man: Hey, guys, thank you for being a part of our test screening. You’re about to be one of the first audiences to see Suicide Squad.

Leonard: Hey, you were right.

Howard: Well, I keep telling you, good things happen to bad people.

Man: Uh, we’re gonna get started in a couple minutes. Enjoy.

Leonard: Who are you texting?

Howard: Raj. He really wants to see this movie.

Leonard: He’ll never make it in time.

Howard: I know. I want to make him feel bad.

Leonard: Ha, ha. Leonard and I are about to see Suicide Squad. Spoiler alert, when I see you I’m gonna spoil it. You’re a good friend.

Raj (at the workshop): Okay. Would you ladies please leave the room for a moment?

Penny: Why?

Raj: I need to rub my genitals on their prototype.

Bernadette: What’s going on?

Raj: Leonard and Howard don’t have a flat. They went to the movies. Look.

Penny: Un-freakin’ believable.

Bernadette: Son of a bitch.

Raj: Oh. You know what? I’m gonna let them know that I’m here with you and that they’re busted.

Penny: No. You know what? Don’t. Don’t. Let’s let them think they’re getting away with it.

Bernadette: Yeah, let’s see how deep a hole they can dig for themselves.

Penny: Mm-hmm.

Raj: Interesting. I mean, it’s not testicles on a cryostat, but I like it.

Scene: A storage facility.

Amy: Why do you have a storage unit?

Sheldon: Just wait.

Amy: How long have you had it?

Sheldon: Just wait.

Amy: Do you want me to hold that computer?

Sheldon: Just wait. You know what? Actually, yes, thank you. Welcome to my Fortress of Shame.

Amy: I’m sorry. What, what am I looking at?

Sheldon: It’s basically everything I’ve ever owned. Um, every book, every tee shirt, every piece of broken electronics. Just all of it.

Amy: All of it?

Sheldon: I have a Ziploc bag filled with all my old Ziploc bags.

Amy: Okay. Well, I would like to tell you that there is nothing here to be ashamed of. So I’m gonna need a minute.

Scene: Howard’s workshop.

Penny: All right, how are we gonna play this when they return?

Raj: I know. You guys should totally be making out with me.

Penny: Sweetie, I know you think jokes like that are funny, but do you really think you could handle making out with both of us?

Raj: No, ma’am.

Bernadette: Okay. Okay, how about this? They don’t know you’re here with us, so you hide in the closet. When they show up, we’ll hear whatever their dumb story is about where they were, we’ll pretend to believe them and just when they think they got away with it, you jump out.

Penny: Yeah, that’s pretty good.

Raj: I love it, I’ll be all like, busted, and they’ll be like, what? And then we’ll all be like, oh yeah. Yeah, I get it. I wouldn’t make out with me, either.

Scene: The storage unit.

Sheldon: In here is every clock radio I’ve ever owned. Calculators, VHS tapes. Yeah. Oh. Sporting equipment.

Amy: You have sporting equipment?

Sheldon: Well, oh, it’s just a, it’s a, a golf ball that my brother threw at my head. You can still feel the dent. It’s right next to the hockey puck dent.

Amy: Okay, why do you have a bin of pine cones?

Sheldon: I used to collect them as a child. The spiral of scales open in the Fibonacci sequence. A fact that, when you tell your brother, gets a golf ball thrown at your head.

Amy: So, why do you feel you need to save these things?

Sheldon: I’d like to say it’s nostalgia, but every time I think of throwing anything away, my ears start to ring, and I get butterflies in my stomach. And then it feels like the butterflies get eaten by rats, and then the, the rats get eaten by…

Amy: Okay. I get it. I get it.

Sheldon: It ends with dinosaurs. I’m sorry if you think less of me.

Amy: I don’t.

Sheldon: Really? ‘Cause every time I come in here, I think less of me.

Amy: Why?

Sheldon: Because I’m a fraud. No. I purport to be a man of the mind. I’ve been such a, a vocal champion of the singularity, but how can I leave my body behind and become one with the internet when I’ve never even thrown a toothbrush away?

Amy: It’s okay, Sheldon. You know, I’ve saved a lot of weird things, too.

Sheldon: Like what?

Amy: Well, um, did you know I have a microscope slide with a little bit of tissue from the first brain I ever dissected?

Sheldon: I have an old teddy bear I secretly wiped my nose on for years.

Amy: It’s not a contest.

Scene: Howard’s workshop.

Penny: Okay, here they come.

Bernadette: Go hide.

Raj: Oh, man, when I come out of the closet, I’m gonna nail those guys. Yeah, I heard it. Shut up.

Leonard: Hey.

Howard: Hi.

Penny: Hey, what’s this?

Leonard: Listen, we did a stupid thing.

Howard: We went to a movie and lied about it, but we feel bad and want to make it up to you.

Leonard: So, these are for you, and if you’re not too mad, we’d love to take you guys to dinner.

Howard: Yeah. Anywhere you want.

Bernadette: Oh. Well, thank you for being honest.

Penny: Yeah. You know, I want to be upset, but we did kind of have fun working on the prototype.

Raj (inside cupboard): Don’t forgive them. Stay mad at them.

Howard: What is he doing in there?

Raj: Busting you.

Bernadette: It’s okay. They apologized.

Penny: Yeah, it’s fine.

Raj: Well this is kind of anti-climactic.

Howard: You know what wasn’t anti-climactic? The end of the movie. Get this.

Raj: No spoilers. No spoilers.

Penny: And he’s back in the closet.

Howard: Ready for dinner?

Penny: Yeah.

Bernadette: Should we invite Raj?

Raj (in cupboard): Yes.

Scene: The storage unit.

Amy: So, no one else knows about this?

Sheldon: Only you.

Amy: Thank you for trusting me.

Sheldon: What good is having a girlfriend if you can’t unload your psychological sewage on her?

Amy: That’s me, your emotional outhouse. You know, if you ever decide you want to do something about this, I’m, I’m here for you.

Sheldon: Thank you. I wouldn’t even know how to begin.

Amy: Baby steps, I guess.

Sheldon: I suppose I could try getting rid of the golf ball.

Amy: Oh. Okay.

Sheldon: I will always have the dent to remember it by.

Amy: You did it. Do you feel okay?

Sheldon: Actually, yes. I do.

Amy: Well, I’m proud of you.

Sheldon: Thanks.

Scene: The apartment.

Sheldon: I’m glad I told you about the storage unit.

Amy: Well, I feel closer to you now.

Sheldon: Oh, I feel closer to you, too. You know, it’s still a couple of hours until my bedtime.

Amy: What did you have in mind?

Scene: The same, shortly afterwards.

Sheldon: You look amazing. I mean, this resolution is remarkable.

Amy (on Skype): I really had to go home for this?

Sheldon: Yes, but it’s like you’re right here in the room.

Amy: And yet, I’m not.

Sheldon: But I feel like I could reach out and touch you.

Amy: And yet, you can’t.

Sheldon: I know.


 
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