Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation

Scene: The apartment

Penny: Oh, hey, if you guys are free this weekend, I won a night of wine tasting from work.

Leonard: That sounds fun.

Penny: Mm-hmm.

Leonard: How come scientists don’t win free stuff like salespeople do?

Howard: ‘Cause we’re not in it for the stuff. We’re in it for the groupies.

Sheldon: Personally, I find the notion of external rewards demeaning. I pursue science for the intrinsic joy of discovery.

Amy: But you always say that you want to win a Nobel Prize.

Sheldon: I also say don’t contradict me in front of my friends, but that you don’t remember.

Penny: All right, well, let me know if you guys want to go.

Raj: I would love to. I do enjoy the complexity of an aged Pinot noir.

Leonard: I’m sure that would pair nicely with your fried nuggets of chicken.

Amy: Well, it sounds like a nice night. We should go.

Sheldon: Wine again? Yeah, no, thank you. I like my grapes the old-fashioned way, in a juice box.

Amy: Well, I’m going. You couldn’t stop me from getting a massage at the mall, and you’re not stopping me now.

Sheldon: I shouldn’t have to see my girlfriend get groped in public by another man.

Amy: And I shouldn’t have to see my boyfriend riding on a train for children around the mall.

Penny: The little choo-choo for toddlers?

Amy: And now you know why I needed the massage.

Howard: Well, we’re out. Bernie can’t drink ’cause she’s pregnant. And she’s pregnant because we had sex. And we had sex because, well, come on.

Bernadette: It’s okay, you should go.

Howard: You sure?

Bernadette: Of course.

Penny: Yeah, give her a break from, well, come on.

Sheldon: Well, Bernadette, looks like Saturday night, it’s you and me.

Bernadette: Me? How? Why?

Sheldon: Well, it makes perfect sense. Because you’re an expectant mother, you can’t drink alcohol. I don’t like to. You can’t have sushi. I don’t like to. You can’t go in hot tubs. I consider them vats of sweaty people soup.

Bernadette: Gee, Sheldon, I don’t know.

Sheldon: Oh, come on. Roller coasters, caffeine, runny eggs, I’ve been avoiding these things all my life. And now, because you’re pregnant, you have to.

Leonard: The difference is she’s bringing life into the world, and you suck it out.

Bernadette: I guess we could give it a try.

Sheldon: Well, little lady, you’ve heard of party hearty, get ready to party hardly.

Howard: I bet you’d like a drink right now.

Credits sequence.

Scene: Howard’s workshop

Raj: Hey, you think it’d be okay if I brought Claire to the wine tasting?

Leonard: Sure. I’d like to meet her.

Raj: Oh, that’s great. I’ve been wanting her to meet you guys, too, so this seems like the perfect opportunity.

Sheldon: Oh, but I won’t be there.

Raj: Funny how that worked out.

Leonard: Does this mean Emily’s not in the picture anymore?

Raj: No, I’m still dating her.

Leonard: Okay, help me out. How are you doing this? Do they know about each other?

Raj: They know that we’re not exclusive, and we just don’t ask too many questions.

Sheldon: You know, it’s like how I play Warlords of Ka’a with you and Elder Sign with Frank and Alicia.

Leonard: Who’s Frank and Alicia?

Sheldon: You, you and I spend a lot of time together. Can there be a little mystery between us?

Howard: Okay. Everything’s hooked up. We’re ready.

Sheldon: I am going to record this for posterity.

Leonard: All right, here goes nothing.

Sheldon: Here goes nothing? This is the initial test of our prototype. Can we give it a little more gravitas?

Leonard: Fine. Preliminary trial of the infinite persistence gyroscopic navigational system, phase one commencing.

Sheldon: Eh, maybe it’s your voice. I’m gonna see if I can get James Earl Jones to do it in post.

Raj: It’s, it’s beautiful.

Howard: Actually, it’s making me dizzy.

Leonard: Good, it’s not just me.

Scene: Raj’s apartment.

Claire (on phone): Hello.

Raj: Hey, Claire.

Claire: Hey, what’s up?

Raj: Hi, yeah. Um, I was wondering, if you’re free Saturday night, all my friends are going to a wine tasting.

Claire: Sure, I guess. If you don’t think meeting your friends is too big a step.

Raj: Why would it be too big a step?

Claire: I don’t know. I just don’t want things to get weird.

Raj: Nothing to worry about. People meet people all the time, and it isn’t weird. I met Bon Jovi once, which you’d think might be weird. Turns out, total sweetheart.

Claire: Okay, but you and I have been keeping things casual. Uh, will you introduce me as your friend or as your girlfriend? What if I like them and they don’t like me? What if they like me and I don’t like them?

Raj: Boy, it wasn’t this hard with Bon Jovi. I said you rock, he said, thanks, man, and that was that.

Scene: The apartment.

Penny: Hey, you ready to go?

Leonard: Hang on.

Penny: What are you doing?

Leonard: Oh, I found a scratch-and-sniff book about wine tasting. It teaches the different flavour notes to look for.

Penny: You actually smell the wine?

Leonard: I mostly just smell my nasal spray.

Penny: Are your sinuses acting up?

Leonard: Since my preschool got a bunny.

Penny: Hey, are you still hanging out with Bernadette tonight?

Sheldon: Yes. And we’re going to prove that we don’t need alcohol to enjoy ourselves.

Penny: Oh, good for you.

Sheldon: Or caffeine, tobacco, sushi, soft cheese, processed meats and jacuzzis, which can all be harmful to an unborn baby.

Penny: No honey baked ham in a hot tub, got it.

Sheldon: Oh, no bubble baths either. They can increase the risk of a urinary tract infection.

Leonard: Okay, have fun.

Sheldon: Oh, and no swordfish, king mackerel, shark or tilefish, which are all high in mercury.

Leonard: We’re leaving now!

Sheldon: Oh, and no contact with guinea pigs or hamsters or their droppings, uh, no-no cat litter boxes, no paint fumes.

Penny: Okay, we’re leaving, love you, bye.

Sheldon: Boy, do I love restrictions.

Scene: The wine tasting.

Howard: Hey. Where is everybody?

Amy: Oh, we’re the first ones here.

Howard: Oh. Cool.

Amy: Yeah. Cool.

Howard: You know, I don’t remember the last time it was just you and me hanging out.

Amy: Oh, I do. It was three years ago.

Howard: Oh, yeah, and we said we should do it more often. And, and, and, and, and here we are.

Amy: So, Sheldon and Bernadette are hanging out.

Howard: I know. What are they gonna talk about?

Amy: I don’t know. I really don’t know.

Leonard: Hey.

Howard: Oh, good.

Amy: Oh, thank God.

Penny: You guys been here long?

Howard: No, two minutes.

Amy: But yes.

Howard: Where’s Claire?

Raj: Oh, she’s meeting us here. Hey, guys, do me a favour and don’t ask too many questions about the relationship. We’re just keeping it casual.

Leonard: Oh, so I shouldn’t ask her how she feels about being a member of your harem?

Raj: Yeah, I know you’re teasing, but watch out for karma.

Amy: Hey, Penny, isn’t that your old boyfriend Zack?

Penny: Oh, yeah.

Amy: Are you gonna say hi to him?

Penny: Uh, I don’t know.

Raj: Hey, while you decide, who was better in bed, big hot Zack or wheezy little Leonard? Neener neener.

Scene: The apartment.

Bernadette: I brought sparkling cider.

Sheldon: Oh, the bubbles tickle my nose. I’ll just open this now so it can get nice and flat before we drink it.

Bernadette: So what do you want to do tonight?

Sheldon: Oh, I have quite the evening planned. Our foetus-friendly festival of fun begins with an in-depth look at the world of model trains, and then we’ll kick things up a notch and explore all the different ways that you can make toast.

Bernadette: There’s more than one?

Sheldon: You’ve heard of French toast?

Bernadette: Yeah.

Sheldon: Cinnamon toast?

Bernadette: Yeah.

Sheldon: Melba toast?

Bernadette: Yeah.

Sheldon: You get where I’m going here?

Bernadette: Yeah.

Scene: The wine tasting.

Amy: I’m getting an earthy note.

Penny: Ah, there’s definitely some oak.

Raj: Also, uh, cherries?

Leonard: I smell nothing.

Howard: Really? Nothing?

Leonard: Just a whole lot of Afrin.

Zack: Penny?

Penny: Oh. Zack, hi. You guys remember Zack.

Howard: Yeah, hey, buddy.

Amy: Hello.

Raj: Hey.

Zack: Hey, did you two get married?

Penny: We did.

Leonard: Yeah, mm-hmm.

Zack: To each other?

Penny: Yes.

Zack: Cool. ‘Cause other than when you broke up with him and dated me, then broke up with me, and then dated me one more time before going back to him, I was always rooting for you two.

Leonard: Thanks.

Zack: So how’s the science world? What are you guys up to?

Howard: We’ve actually been working on a prototype for a navigation system we invented.

Leonard: But we won’t bore you with the details.

Zack: Are you kidding? I love science. Einstein, Stephen Hawking, Mike deGrasse Tyson.

Amy: Mike deGrasse Tyson?

Howard: Yeah, you know, the boxer who grew a moustache and became a scientist.

Zack: So what’s your invention?

Howard: Well, we’re using quantum vortices to replace gyroscopes in guidance systems.

Leonard: What’s neat is that they can maintain angular momentum indefinitely.

Zack: Angular momentum. I was wondering about that.

Howard: You could put it in a satellite or a rocket, and it’ll run forever.

Zack: Cool. Could it be used for missiles and war stuff?

Howard: Yeah, but we didn’t create it for weapons.

Leonard: And I doubt the military would be interested in our little guidance system.

Zack: Is it better than the one they use now?

Howard: A lot.

Leonard: Way better.

Zack: Huh. You sure you guys are smart?

Scene: The apartment.

Sheldon: H-O gauge trains are 1/87th scale. N gauge are 1/160th scale. And that brings us to Z gauge, at a, you could easily swallow it, don’t ask how I know, 1 to 220.

Bernadette: I’m sorry, I have to ask.

Sheldon: When I was five, I ingested a Z gauge locomotive. I spent the next three days saying, I think I can pass it, I think I can pass it, I think I can pass it.

Bernadette: What is it about trains that you like so much?

Sheldon: What an interesting question. When I was a child, life was confusing and chaotic for me, and trains represented order. I could line them up, categorize them, control them. I guess you could say that they gave me a sense of calm in a world that didn’t.

Bernadette: That’s lovely, Sheldon.

Sheldon: Well, other than when they’re chugging through your bowels, these things are magic.

Scene: The wine tasting.

Leonard: I have to admit, I’ve been worried about the military applications since we started talking about this.

Howard: Me, too.

Leonard: Why didn’t you say something?

Howard: Same reason I don’t talk about ass cancer. It’s not a pleasant topic.

Raj: You can’t let this stop you. Almost any scientific advancement can be used for destructive purposes.

Amy: It’s true. Even Einstein’s theory of relativity was later applied to the development of nuclear weapons.

Penny: E equals MC squared. Yeah. E is for energy, M for mass, and C for the speed of light.

Amy: How do you know that?

Penny: Oh, Leonard mumbles it when he wants sex to last longer.

Claire: Hey, Raj.

Raj: Hey, Claire. Good, you’re here. Guys, this is my friend Claire. We’re casually dating, and there’s no need for any further questions about it.

Leonard: Would you like a glass of wine?

Raj: I said no questions.

Scene: The apartment.

Sheldon: And last but not least, this is one that I like to call Star Wars Toast because it has a light side and a dark side. All righty, it’s time for Dungeons & Dragons.

Bernadette: Dungeons & Dragons? That sounds about right.

Sheldon: You’re gonna enjoy this. I designed it especially for you.

Bernadette: Okay, but just for a little bit.

Sheldon: Oh, I have a feeling that once you start, you’re not gonna want to or be allowed to stop.

Bernadette: All right.

Sheldon: Ready?

Bernadette: You bet.

Sheldon: Your name is Bernatrix. You are a warrior queen. You’re strong, beautiful and tall.

Bernadette: Oh. I like the idea of being tall.

Sheldon: I think you’re gonna like a lot of things I have in store. For example, in this world, only the men get pregnant, so your husband is home trying not to pee when he laughs.

Bernadette: This is getting fun. What’s next?

Sheldon: You’re parched and weary from battle. You stand in front of a tavern that serves the coldest, most delicious ale in all the realm.

Bernadette: Oh, I haven’t had a drink in months.

Sheldon: What do you do?

Bernadette: I storm in, slam my sword down, and say, barkeep, bring me the strongest ale you have and serve it in the skull of a goblin.

Sheldon: He wants to see I.D.

Scene: The wine tasting.

Amy: So, Claire, we’ve heard so many wonderful things about you.

Claire: Really? Like what?

Amy: Uh, mostly Penny’s heard them.

Zack: Boy, you get some dirty looks over there when you ask for ice.

Raj: Zack, this is my friend Claire.

Zack: You’re hot. You seeing anybody?

Raj: Uh, she’s seeing me.

Zack: Why’d you say she’s your friend?

Raj: We’re just keeping it casual.

Zack: Why is he being casual with you? You seem great.

Claire: I don’t know. Ask him.

Zack: Why are you being casual with her? She seems great.

Scene: The toilets.

Leonard: Maybe we should take a step back.

Howard: Take a step back? I’m not a young man any more.

Leonard: No, I mean re-evaluate what we’re doing with the guidance system.

Howard: But I got a baby on the way. I got to make some money.

Leonard: What good is money gonna do if we inadvertently bring about Armageddon?

Howard: Okay, let me stop you right there. We absolutely know our invention will not be used to destroy the world.

Leonard: How?

Howard: Because no one from the future has come back to kill us.

Leonard: Very funny.

Howard: You got something better?

Leonard: Well, not really.

Howard: Okay, then. Geez, how much wine did you drink?

Leonard: Not a lot. I just couldn’t start until you walked away.

Scene: The apartment.

Sheldon: The Hell Prawn lunges out of the hot spring. You block it with your shield. Do you attack?

Bernadette: Does it have eyes?

Sheldon: Three giant red ones and they never blink. It’s unsettling.

Bernadette: I stab it in the middle eye.

Sheldon: Good choice. Critical hit. Your sword goes through its eye into its tiny brain. With its final dying gasp, it says, you have reduced me to a pile of sushi. Enjoy me with this packet of soy sauce. It’s low sodium. Aaaah.

Bernadette: Okay, I guess I should eat the Hell Prawn.

Sheldon: Using your sword, you prepare a beautiful sushi dinner. You slip into the hot spring and enjoy the warm water on your aching joints. As you happily close your eyes, you recall the incredible evening you’ve had and notice that your feet and ankles are smaller than they’ve ever been. The end.

Bernadette: Wow, this night turned out to be so much more fun than I thought.

Sheldon: Oh, the fun doesn’t stop. You’re still going home with a goodie bag full of toast.

Bernadette: Thank you for this. You know, ever since people found out I’m having a baby, I feel like I became Pregnant Bernadette. It was nice to take a little break tonight.

Sheldon: I can understand that. From the moment people realized I was a genius, I’ve been Sheldon the Genius. Although I’ve never really wanted a break from that, so I suppose I don’t understand. Which is ironic ’cause, you know, genius.

Bernadette: Well, thanks again.

Sheldon: You’re welcome. And any time you need a break from being Bernadette the Pregnant, Bernatrix the Warrior Queen is here waiting.

Bernadette: I might just take you up on that.

Sheldon: Well, mind you now, that offer’s only good until the third trimester. I can’t risk getting amniotic fluid on my spot.

Scene: The wine tasting.

Raj: Hey, dude, you’re killing me with Claire.

Zack: What are you talking about?

Raj: I mean, come on, look at you. You’re classically handsome, you’ve got a swimmer’s body. Next to you, I look like me.

Zack: Oh, man, I didn’t mean to do that. But I do appreciate you recognizing my swimmer’s body. Which, incidentally, I got from playing Marco Polo at the YMCA.

Raj: Yeah, okay, just do me a favour and stop talking about how great Claire is.

Zack: Anything for you, my little foreign friend.

Claire: So, I got to ask, does Raj bring around other girls?

Penny: Uh, you know, I’m not really around that much. Amy knows much more than I do.

Leonard: I don’t think you have anything to worry about. Raj is a terrific guy, loyal to a fault.

Howard: Yeah. He still has an AOL address.

Zack: I see what you’re saying. She’s not so great.

Raj: Don’t listen to him. He says crazy things all the time. Uh, watch. Marco.

Zack: Polo.

Raj: So, uh, what are you guys talking about?

Claire: Your friends were just telling me about all the other girls you’re dating.

Raj: Why would you do that? I specifically asked you not to do that.

Penny: We didn’t.

Amy: You just did.

Zack: Wow. Maybe none of you guys are smart.

Scene: The apartment.

Leonard: Morning.

Sheldon: Morning.

Leonard: Ugh. Too much wine.

Sheldon: Oh, I overdid it myself last night. Hair of the dog.

Leonard: Hey, did you ever think about the military applications for the guidance system?

Sheldon: Of course.

Leonard: Does it bother you?

Sheldon: No, it did at first, but then I talked it through with Frank and Alicia, and they really helped put things into perspective.

Leonard: Who are these people?

Sheldon: Leonard, friends are like toilet paper. It’s good to have extras under the sink.

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