Series 4 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection

Scene: The bathroom

Sheldon: Leonard, are you in the shower?

Leonard: I can’t hear you, I’m in the shower.

Sheldon: I asked if you were in the shower, but that’s moot now.

Leonard: What?

Sheldon: Moot. Rendered unimportant by recent events.

Leonard: I can’t hear you, I’m in the shower.

Sheldon: I have to skip the chitchat. Emergency.

Leonard: What kind of emergency?

Sheldon: Mathematical. 32-ounce banana smoothie, 16-ounce bladder.

Leonard: You might not want to do that.

Sheldon: I assure you I do.

Leonard: Sheldon, I’m not alone in here.

Sheldon: What?

Priya: Hello, Sheldon.

Sheldon: What are you doing in there? She can’t be in here.

Leonard: We were in here first, you can’t be in here.

Sheldon: According to the roommate agreement, paragraph nine, subsection B, the right to bathroom privacy is suspended in the event of force majeure. And believe me, I am experiencing a very majeure force.

Sheldon: Come on, you can’t wait two minutes?

Priya: Oh, Leonard, let the man pee.

Scene: Penny’s door.

 

Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny?

Penny: What?

Sheldon: Move. Move. Move!

Credits sequence.

 

Scene: The apartment.

Sheldon: Dr. Leonard Hofstadter, you are officially charged with two violations of the roommate agreement. Do you waive reading of the charges?

Leonard: Yeah, fine.

Priya: Hang on. No, my client does not waive reading of the charges.

Leonard: Oh. Cool. I’ve got a lawyer. And I’ve seen her naked.

Priya: Proceed.

Sheldon: Very well. Count the first, on or about the 28th day of April, the accused did knowingly and with malice aforethought deny access to the shared bathroom in a time of emergency, to wit, my back teeth were floating. Count the second, the accused exceeded the agreed upon occupancy of the shower, to wit, one, unless we are under attack by water-soluble aliens.

Priya: Can I see the roommate agreement?

Sheldon: Um, it’s fairly technical.

Priya: I think I can handle it.

Leonard: Top of her class, Cambridge University. Licensed to practice law in three countries. And your face.

Priya: All right, based on a cursory reading, it doesn’t look like you have much of a case, Sheldon.

Sheldon: Do so, do so.

Priya: Oh, I’m afraid not. Section seven here, on the right to enter the bathroom in emergency situations, is not specific as to what constitutes an emergency.

Sheldon: Oh, that’s ridiculous. A bathroom emergency is self-explanatory.

Priya: Is it? If Leonard forgot to trim his nose hair, could he barge in while you were showering?

Sheldon: Irrelevant. Leonard doesn’t trim his nose hair. He thinks because he’s short nobody can see up there.

Priya: My point is, Sheldon, the legal principle is ambiguity in a contract benefits the party that did not draft it, in this case, Leonard. So much for count one.

Sheldon: But…

Priya: There’s no buts, Sheldon, that’s how the law works.

Leonard: Schooled!

Priya: As for the shower capacity issue, I cite addendum J. When Sheldon showers second, any and all measures shall be taken to ensure an adequate supply of hot water. I believe this supercedes the occupancy issue.

Leonard: Superceded!

Sheldon: This isn’t over.

Leonard: No offence, but shower sex with you is now the second best thing that’s happened today.

Scene: The apartment.

Raj: Mmm, Greek food on pizza night? This is the most delightfully cruel thing we’ve done to Sheldon since we left that fake message from Stephen Hawking on his voice mail.

Priya: Seriously?

Howard (in Stephen Hawking voice): I wish to discuss your theories of black holes. Meet me at the Randy’s Donut by the airport at 2:00 a.m.

Sheldon: What is that you’re eating? Tonight is pizza night.

Leonard: I’d like to refer that to my attorney.

Priya: According to what I see here, Thursday nights are Franconi’s pizza night.

Sheldon: Yes, and when Franconi’s went out of business, we switched to Graziano’s.

Howard: That’s interesting. Can you just switch restaurants like that, Priya?

Priya: A good question, Howard. Turns out you can’t. According to the document you drew up, Sheldon, the selection of a new takeout restaurant requires public hearings and a 60-day comment period. Were those criteria met?

Sheldon: No.

All: Opa!

Sheldon: This is Greek food? Leonard, you hate Greek food.

Leonard: Not as much as you.

Sheldon: Fine. I’m nothing if not adaptable.

Leonard: I got you the lamb kabob.

Sheldon: Thank you. If you think about it, Greek food isn’t that far from italian food. They share a spice palette. And what a civilization is the Greeks. They gave us science, democracy, and little cubes of charred meat that taste like sweat.

Scene: Penny’s door.

Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny?

Penny: Hey. What’s up?

Sheldon: The mean Indian lady tried to make me eat lamb. Congratulations. Pizza night will now be at your apartment. Order one.

Penny: Oh, I’m sorry, honey, I’m meeting Amy and Bernadette for dinner. But you’re welcome to tag along.

Sheldon: A girls night? Oh, I don’t know if I’m up for an evening talking about rainbows, unicorns and menstrual cramps.

Penny: Okay, suit yourself. We’ll probably be trashing Priya a little.

Sheldon: Shotgun.

Scene: A bar.

Penny: Okay, I’d like to propose a toast to a wonderful girls night out.

Amy: Fair warning, we can get ker-razy.

Bernadette: Yeah. Last week we smoked cigars and pretended to be dragons.

Sheldon: Really, Amy? Tobacco and alcohol? Need I remind you not a lot of scientific discoveries were made by people having a good time?

Amy: Why did you bring him? He’s harshing my buzz.

Penny: I felt sorry for him. Priya’s giving him a hard time.

Bernadette: Ooh, the Priya bashing’s starting early. Yay! Okay, what’s up with those pantsuits?

Amy: I need some context.

Penny: Pantsuits suck.

Amy: And that opens her up To justifiable ridicule for wearing them. Good one, Bernadette. See? Ker-razy.

Scene: The same, later.

Bernadette: Whee-ee-ee!

Amy: You smell like baby powder.

Sheldon: It’s talc. But as that’s a primary ingredient of baby powder, I understand your confusion.

Amy: Oh, I’m not confused at all. You’re like a sexy toddler.

Sheldon: I don’t know how to process that.

Bernadette: I do. Amy and Sheldon sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-S-S-I-N-G.

Penny: That’s too many S’s for kissing.

Bernadette: Not if they’re doing it for a long time.

Penny: Sheldon, have you ever kissed a girl?

Sheldon: Other than my mother, my sister and my mee-maw, no. But in the interest of full disclosure, I was once on a bus and had to give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to an elderly nun who passed out from heat exhaustion. Every year I get a Christmas card from her, signed with far too many X’s and O’s.

Bernadette: That doesn’t count. Aren’t you even a little curious?

Penny: Yeah, you’re a scientist, where is the curiosity?

Amy: I’m available for experimentation.

Sheldon: Thank you. Not necessary. We know everything there is to know about kissing. It requires 34 facial muscles and 112 postural muscles.

Amy: Oh, blah, blah, blah. Give me some sugar, bestie (kisses Penny).

Sheldon: I’m certainly glad no one said they were curious about Aztec human sacrifice.

Penny: Hey, I know, let’s take Sheldon dancing.

Bernadette: Oh, I totally want to see Sheldon dance. I bet he looks like a spider on a hot plate.

Sheldon: No, thank you, but for the record, I’m an excellent dancer. Proficient in the rumba, waltz and cha-cha.

Amy: Really?

Sheldon: I don’t see why that’s surprising. I excel at so many things. You’ve had my sourdough bread.

Penny: Did you take dance lessons?

Sheldon: Against my will. In the South, pre-adolescent children are forced through a process called cotillion, which indoctrinates them with all the social graces and dance skills needed to function in 18th century Vienna.

Penny: Oh, we are so taking you dancing.

Sheldon: No, you most certainly are not.

Bernadette: Well, what does your cotillion training say is expected of a gentleman when three ladies ask him to escort them to a dance soiree?

Sheldon: I saved a nun’s life. Why am I being punished?

Scene: A taxi.

 

Penny: Take us to a place we can waltz.

Taxi driver: Where you can what?

Sheldon: Waltz. It’s a social dance from Austria, choreographed to a three-four time signature. (Sings Blue Danube. The taxi driver says something into radio in Korean. The word “waltz” is included. Dispatcher replies also in Korean. Taxi driver sings Blue Danube. Dispatcher says “oh, waltz!” They speak Korean some more. )

Taxi Driver: Here we go.

Amy (singing): I kissed a girl and I liked it, I hope my boyfriend don’t mind it.

Sheldon: What happened to you?

Scene: A Korean ballroom dancing club. Sheldon and Amy are dancing.

Penny: Shake it baby, shake it!

Bernadette: Muy caliente, Sheldon!

Elderly Korean Gentleman: Care to dance?

Bernadette: Oh, I’m sorry, I’m engaged.

Korean: How about you?

Penny: Oh, what the hell. Ooh!

Scene: Outside Amy’s apartment.

Amy: How come if we’re the smart people, we don’t do this every night?

Sheldon: What’s 16 times 14?

Amy: My burps taste like cranberry juice.

Sheldon: And there’s your answer.

Amy: Would you like to come in for a nightcap?

Sheldon: If you’re referring to the beverage, you know I don’t drink. If you’re referring to the hat you don while wearing a nightshirt and holding a candle, I have one.

Amy: I have yoo-hoo.

Sheldon: It’s hard to say no to yoo-hoo. The name literally beckons.

Amy: Make yourself comfortable.

Sheldon: Thank you. Is someone smoking?

Amy: Oh, that’s just Ricky.

Sheldon: You own a smoking monkey?

Amy: Don’t be silly. He’s one of the animals in my department’s nicotine addiction study.

Sheldon: What’s he doing here?

Amy: I’m giving him emphysema. The least I can do is let him hang out and watch cable.

Sheldon: Remarkable. Aren’t you worried about secondhand smoke?

Amy: A little. The real danger is him biting my face off while I’m sleeping.

Sheldon: is he deliberately blowing smoke at me?

Amy: Yeah. He’s kind of an ass.

Sheldon: Thank you. May I share something with you that’s troubling me?

Amy: Of course. What’s rattling around that big bulbous brain of yours?

Sheldon: Priya has essentially nullified my roommate agreement with Leonard, making life in the apartment very uncomfortable for me.

Amy: And you want me to kill her? Done.

Sheldon: No, of course not.

Amy: I trained Ricky how to smoke. I can train him to shoot a poison dart. No jury would convict us ’cause people love monkeys.

Sheldon: I understand the alcohol has stirred up whatever it is that makes girls go wild, but I really need to talk to smart Amy now.

Amy: Excuse me. Have you considered that your intelligence might be the very thing causing your dilemma?

Sheldon: No.

Amy: What do you think Ricky over here would do if an interloper encroached on his territory?

Sheldon: Well, when challenged, monkeys generally assert their dominance through chasing, assault and a stylized penile display. That’s a little outside my comfort zone.

Amy: You’re being too literal. My point is, he would not meekly surrender to the rules, and neither should you.

Sheldon: Are you suggesting I play dirty?

Amy: Yes, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty. Which brings me to our next order of business. (Kisses him)

Sheldon: Fascinating.

Amy: I hope you don’t take what I’m about to do as a comment on what we just did. (Runs to bathroom and vomits)

Sheldon (to Ricky): Who’s to say you shouldn’t be dissecting our brains? You really are an ass.

Scene: The apartment.

Leonard: Morning, Sheldon.

Sheldon: Oh, good, you’re up. I’ve written a new and improved roommate agreement that benefits me greatly. I’d like you to sign it.

Leonard: Why would I want to do that?

Sheldon: Excellent question. Do you remember what happened to the alien, played by talented character actor Frank Gorshin, in the Star Trek episode Let That Be Your Last Battlefield?

Leonard: Uh, Captain Kirk activated the self-destruct sequence and threatened to blow up the Enterpriseand kill them both unless he gave in?

Sheldon: Affirmative. Computer, this is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Activate self-destruct sequence. Code 1-1-A-2-B.

Female Voice: Self-destruct sequence activated.

Leonard: What are you gonna do, Sheldon, blow up the apartment?

Sheldon: That was my first thought, but all my cool stuff is here.

Priya: So what happens when it counts down?

Sheldon: Unless Leonard signs the new agreement in the next 41 seconds, this computer will send an e-mail to your parents in India saying that you’re in a secret relationship with the whiter-than-marshmallow-fluff Leonard Hofstadter.

Priya: Oh, my God.

Leonard: What’s the big deal?

Priya: Trust me, it’s a big deal.

Leonard: They’re gonna find out about me eventually, right?

Priya: Yeah, of course, just not today.

Sheldon: 20 seconds.

Leonard: Are you ashamed of me?

Priya: Of course not.

Leonard: Then why can’t we tell your parents?

Priya: Please, don’t push this.

Sheldon: He does that all the time, doesn’t he? 15.

Priya: Okay, fine, Sheldon, you win. Turn it off.

Leonard: No, he’s bluffing.

Sheldon: I never bluff. Ten.

Leonard: It’s blackmail!

Sheldon: Nine.

Priya: We give up.

Sheldon: Eight.

Leonard: This is ridiculous. (Pulls out plug)

Sheldon: It’s a laptop with a full charge. Honestly, what do you see in him?

Priya: Give him what he wants or we’re done.

Sheldon: Three.

Leonard: Really?

Sheldon: Two.

Leonard: Okay, I’ll sign it!

Female Voice: Self-destruct sequence aborted.

Sheldon: You may have gone to Cambridge, but I’m an honorary graduate of Starfleet academy.

Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is at his laptop.

Sheldon: Good morning, Amy.

Amy: It most assuredly is not.

Sheldon: Are you experiencing dehydration, headache, nausea and shame?

Amy: Yes. I also found a Korean man’s business card tucked into my cleavage. What happened last night?

Sheldon: Ah, memory impairment, the free prize at the bottom of every vodka bottle.

Amy: Sheldon?

Sheldon: All right. Last night you gave me some excellent advice regarding my problem here at home, you kissed me and then vomited on and off for 40 minutes, following which you passed out on your bathroom floor. I then folded a towel under your head as a pillow, set your oven clock to the correct time because it was driving me crazy, and I left.

Amy: Okay. Don’t really know where we go from here.

Sheldon: I suggest we treat our relationship as if it were a crashed computer and restore it to the last point we both agree it worked.

Amy: Terrific. Thank you. (Noise of Ricky in background) They were out of menthols! Get off my back! Not easy living with a temperamental little primate.

Leonard (off): Come on, Priya, just admit I embarrass you!

Sheldon: You’re preaching to the choir, sister.


 
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