Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency
Scene: The cafeteria.
Leonard: Oh, hey, oh, we ran into your mom at Benihana last night.
Howard: Oh, yeah, she loves that place. Every time they flip a shrimp in the air, she practically leaps out of her seat to catch it. That’s why I don’t take her to SeaWorld.
Leonard: I know you-you don’t want to hear it, but she was there with Stuart.
Howard: That’s fine. I don’t care.
Rajj: It doesn’t bug you when they go out on dates?
Howard: They’re not dating. They’re just two friends who went out to dinner.
Raj: And then went back to the home they share where they probably fell asleep in the matching pajamas she got them because they both just love penguins.
Howard: Hey, lots of people wear matching pajamas who aren’t dating.
Raj: Like who?
Howard: Like you and your dog.
Leonard: Don’t rule out the dating.
Howard: Fine, it bothers me. You happy?
Sheldon: You think you’ve got problems. The gibbon is the only member of the ape family not classified as a great ape.
Howard: How is this helpful?
Sheldon: All the non-human apes are classified as great apes except one. That means taxonomists created the entire category of lesser ape just to single out the poor gibbon as the weird kid on the playground. Now there’s a hairy little fellow with a genuine beef.
Leonard: But the gibbon doesn’t know what it’s categorized as. It doesn’t even know it’s called a gibbon.
Sheldon: True. Sorry, kid, you’ve got it worse than a gibbon.
Scene: Penny’s Apartment.
Bernadette: We brought snacks for movie night.
Penny: Oh, great. I don’t suppose you also brought napkins, clean bowls, utensils and a roll of toilet paper.
Bernadette: Right here.
Penny: Ah, You guys are the best.
Amy: What’s with the clothes?
Penny: Well, with all the new stuff I bought for work, I needed to make room in my closet.
Amy: I meant why are they folded? But whatever. Ooh, what’s this?
Penny: That, believe it or not, is my prom dress.
Bernadette: Wow, you still have it? I just assumed it was balled up in the corner of a barn somewhere.
Penny: What kind of teenager did you think I was?
Penny: The word is popular.
Bernadette: How was your prom? Did you go?
Amy: No, but I was on clean-up crew.
Penny: Aw, that’s sad.
Amy: No, it was okay. The DJ let me dance one slow song with my mop before he shut down. Whenever I see a bucket of dirty water, I still hear Lady in Red.
Bernadette: My prom was pretty terrible, too. I was so excited about my date, but it turned out he only asked me ’cause he liked my friend. He spent the whole night talking about her.
Amy: Okay, we get it, you had a friend and a date. Stop bragging.
Penny: Doesn’t matter. Prom is silly anyways.
Bernadette: Easy for you to say; you probably went with the captain of the football team.
Penny: No. I just made out with him a little while his date was puking.
Amy: My date would’ve had to clean that up.
Bernadette: Ooh, I have an idea. Maybe we can have, like, a prom do-over.
Amy: Oh, that would be so much fun. We could decorate the roof and make the guys wear tuxedos.
Bernadette: Ooh, and get our hair done, and slow-dance.
Penny: Okay, guys, trust me, as someone who’s been to, like, seven proms, it is never as good as you want it to be.
Amy: You went to seven proms?
Penny: Yeah, let’s see. Uh, four Under the Seas, two Enchanted Evenings, and one Night to Remember that I cannot remember for the life of me.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Hey, where’s Bernadette?
Howard: She and Amy are out dress shopping for their prom thing.
Raj: Oh, yeah, I got that Evite. Ever since I saw Pretty in Pink, I’ve wanted to go to an American prom. But then I saw Carrie, and I did not want to go to an American prom. But then I saw Never Been Kissed, and I’m back on the prom bandwagon. This prom thing’s been a real roller coaster.
Howard: Bernie’s really excited. I could tell because her voice got so high, the beagle next door started howling.
Raj: Did you go to your prom?
Sheldon: No. I had a date with a proper education. Instead of a tuxedo, I dressed myself in good habits. Instead of spiked punch, I enjoyed the intoxicating flavour of knowledge. Instead of dancing in a gym, I shook my bootyto the seductive rhythms…
Penny: Okay, okay.
Shldon: …of AP Calculus.
Raj: How come you’re not shopping with Amy and Bernadette?
Leonard: Let me guess, you think the whole idea is lame?
Penny: Well, who cares what I think? What do you think?
Leonard: Hmm, to be honest, it’s kind of a dream come true to go to even a fake prom with a woman as beautiful as you.
Penny: Ugh, thanks a lot.
Penny: Well, now I can’t blow this thing off without being a bitch.
Raj: That sounds like a yes.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Bernadette: Ooh, every single person RSVP’d yes. This is so exciting. Isn’t this exciting?
Bernadette: Look, even Stuart’s bringing a date. I wonder who it is.
Howard: You know exactly who it is. He’s gonna bring my mom. Why did you even invite him?
Bernadette: Because he’s our friend, and you two need to get along. And why can’t he take your mom? You took her to your prom.
Howard: I didn’t take her, she was a chaperone.
Bernadette: I saw a picture of you two dancing together.
Howard: What was I gonna do? They were playing our song. I can’t take this anymore.
Stuart (on phone): Hello.
Howard: Stuart, we have to talk. This thing with you and my mom, I hate it. It’s making me crazy. You and I were friends for years, and now you’re bringing my mother to a party I’m going to? What the hell?
Stuart: I’m not bringing your mother, I have a date.
Howard: Oh, so now you’re cheating on my mother?
Stuart: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you talking about? There’s nothing weird going on with me and your mother.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Stewie, your bath is getting cold!
Stuart: I got to go, bye.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny?
Penny: You knocked more than usual.
Sheldon: Next time I might be in a rush, it’s good to have a few in the bank.
Penny: Okay, what’s up?
Sheldon: I’d like to discuss this party that Amy and Bernadette are throwing. Since you and I are both reluctant to go, I think I’ve come up with a perfect way for us to enjoy it.
Penny: Great, how?
Sheldon: We pretend we’re aliens. I’m not the best at reading facial cues, but I’m gonna say that you love it and want to hear more. Now, in the beloved novel Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, an alien named Ford Prefect pretended to be human in order to blend in so that he could write an entry about Earth for The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, which is a travel book within the actual book, which is also called The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.
Penny: Okay, just one question. What?
Sheldon: My point is, pretending to be an alien is a valuable coping mechanism I’ve used many times. I did it the first time I went to see you in a play. You had no idea Commander Umfrumf of Ceti Alpha Three was in the audience. Oh, don’t worry, he gave you seven thumbs up.
Penny: Here’s a question, as an alien pretending to be human, are you planning to engage in any post-prom mating rituals with Amy?
Sheldon: There are post-prom mating rituals?
Penny: Not always. Unless your date drives a van with an air mattress, then always.
Sheldon: Well, if it’s part of the prom experience, then I’m open to it.
Penny: You’re kidding.
Sheldon: I may be an alien, but I have urges. If Amy wants to copulate by firing her eggs into space, well, then, I will happily catch them with the reproductive sac on my upper flermin. I’m not the best at reading facial cues, but I can see that you’re a little turned on.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: You know, if you’re not gonna learn how to do this, they make some pretty good clip-ons.
Sheldon: Bruce Wayne doesn’t wear a clip-on.
Leonard: Bruce Wayne doesn’t make his roommate tie it for him.
Sheldon: His name is Alfred, and, yes, he does.
Leonard: There, perfect.
Sheldon: What, are you sure? It’s my first prom, I want to do it correctly.
Leonard: I thought you were gonna pretend to be an alien.
Sheldon: I was, but Penny didn’t want to. You didn’t want to. Bernadette, Amy, Koothrappali and Wolowitz didn’t want to. And even I knew it was weird to hire somebody.
Leonard: Was that a flask?
Sheldon: Yes. I’ve decided to embrace all of the traditions associated with prom, including spiking the punch.
Leonard: You’re gonna put alcohol in the punch?
Sheldon: Oh, no, this is pomegranate juice. It’s all the fun of high school high jinks with the cell-protecting zip of antioxidants.
Leonard: If you had ripped jeans and a leather jacket, you’d be like the toughest kid on the Disney Channel. So, anything else planned for tonight?
Sheldon: Oh, everything. Getting our picture taken, slow-dancing, being elected prom king. Pointing out that kings aren’t elected. It’s gonna be off the hook.
Leonard: And while you’re at it, I know that at this age your hormones are raging, but just because all your friends are having sex doesn’t mean you have to.
Sheldon: Why would you say that?
Leonard: You know, ’cause, ’cause a lot of people lose their virginity on prom night.
Sheldon: Penny implied the same thing. Is this true?
Leonard: Just relax, it’s a joke. You don’t have hormones.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard: Wow, you look amazing.
Penny: Thank you, so do you.
Amy: Sheldon, you look so handsome.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Penny: Sheldon, doesn’t Amy look hot? That’s got to put some starch in the upper flermin.
Amy: What’s that?
Leonard: Oh, it’s a scaly genital organ that grows between his shoulder blades. Try not to touch it when you’re dancing.
Sheldon: Excuse me.
Amy: Where are you going?
Sheldon: I can’t do this. And for your information, Leonard, the upper flermin doesn’t grow between my shoulder blades, it grows out of the belly button on my neck.
Leonard: He’s right, I was thinking of the lower flermin.
Scene: A limo.
Raj: Ooh, I’ll, uh, text Stuart, let him know we’re close.
Bernadette: That’s a neat tattoo.
Emily: Oh, thanks, it’s Sally from Nightmare before Christmas.
Bernadette: Aw, that movie’s so cute.
Howard: Do you like her because you both have red hair?
Emily: Uh, a little, but more that she’s covered in scars and can pull her own limbs off and sew them back on.
Bernadette: I like Cinderella.
Emily: Did you know, in the original book, the sisters cut off their toes with knives in order to fit in the glass slipper?
Bernadette: I like Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo.
Raj: Hey, here comes Stuart and his date.
Emily: Oh, she’s cute.
Howard: Oh, my God.
Howard: That’s Jeanie.
Bernadette: That’s Jeanie?
Emily: Who’s Jeanie?
Howard: Don’t say it.
Raj: That’s Howard’s cousin that he had sex with.
Howard: She is my second cousin. We were 15, I just said, don’t say it.
Emily: No, it’s okay. He told me that story a long time ago.
Raj: It was our first date, there was an awkward silence. What was I supposed to say?
Scene: The rooftop.
Penny: Oh, it’s beautiful.
Leonard: Oh, the girls really did a nice job.
Penny: Aw, I know I wasn’t into this before, but I’m so glad I get to take you to your first prom.
Leonard: What makes you think I didn’t go to my prom? I went.
Penny: Well, who’d you go with?
Leonard: I took a little lady I like to call loneliness.
Leonard: Oh, it’s all right. We ended up having a threesome with her friend humiliation, so…
Penny: Well, if I would have been there and saw you alone, I would’ve asked you to dance.
Leonard: No, you wouldn’t have.
Penny: Well, you don’t know that.
Leonard: It was before my growth spurt.
Penny: What, that already happened?
Leonard: Very funny.
Penny: Well, you wouldn’t have asked me either.
Leonard: I would have asked you. In my head. On the way home. While I was having a good cry.
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.
Amy: Sheldon, can I come in?
Sheldon: I don’t think that’s a good idea.
Amy: Why not?
Sheldon: According to an online message board, I may be having a panic attack. SoccerMom09 had similar symptoms. But to be fair, the twins were a real handful that day.
Amy: You’re making me worry. What’s going on?
Sheldon: What’s going on is we’re about to go to a prom. And there’s a great deal of pressure on young couples like us to engage in what Mr. Bob Eubanks called making whoopee.
Amy: What pressure? All I said was you look handsome. Can you please open the door?
Sheldon: It’s not just that. Leonard and Penny also made comments about it. And I’m not blind. Even I looked twice when I saw my posterior in these tuxedo pants.
Sceme: The limo.
Stuart: So, I met Jeanie at your Aunt Gladys’. She passed me the Manischewitz, I took one look at this punim, and I almost plotzed on the kugel.
Rajj: Is this what I sound like when I talk about India?
Howard: So, my mother’s okay with this?
Jeannie: Why would your mother have a problem with me and Stuart?
Howard: ‘Cause they have a weird, inappropriate relationship.
Jeannie: Weirder than what you and I did in my dad’s Corolla?
Raj: This is so messed up.
Emily: I know, I’m having the best time.
Howard: Why would you even come to this? Didn’t you know I’d be here?
Jeannie: It was a long time ago, Howard.
Stuart: And you’re only second cousins, who cares?
Bernadette: So, you knew and you brought her anyway?
Stuart: Oh, so she’s good enough for Howard, but not for me?
Bernadette: Yeah, go have weird relationships with your own mother and cousin. This is his turf.
Scene: The rooftop.
Penny: Well, I might not have asked you to dance then, but I will ask you now.
Leonard: There’s no music.
Penny: I don’t care. We’ll make our own music.
Leonard: My God, who’s the dork now? Thank you for wearing your flats.
Penny: Thank you for wearing your heels.
Leonard: Look at me. Dancing with the prettiest girl at the prom.
Penny: Want to take a picture of us and send it to your old friends in the chess club?
Leonard: I sent them a bikini shot of you years ago. This is nice. I kind of wish no one else was coming.
Penny: I know, me, too. But it will be fun to have a prom without all the drama.
Scene: The limo.
Bernadette: Howie, get off of him.
Howard: Not until he stops humping his way up my family tree.
Scene: Sheldon’s bedrooom.
Amy: Sheldon, this is silly. I’m not missing another prom. I’m going upstairs now. Good-bye.
Sheldon: I really did think you looked pretty.
Amy: You did?
Sheldon: Yes. So much so that I started to panic.
Amy: Well, you can relax. Just because you think I look pretty doesn’t mean we have to spend the night together.
Sheldon: Were you hoping we would because it’s prom?
Amy: I’m always hoping. But tonight I just wanted to have a nice time with you. And maybe dance with someone who has arms.
Sheldon: Thank you for understanding.
Amy: Of course I understand. Sheldon, there’s something else I’ve been wanting to say, but before I do, I just, I want you to know that you don’t have to say it back. I know you’re not ready, and I don’t want you to say it just because social convention dictates…
Sheldon: I love you, too.
Amy: You said it.
Sheldon: There’s no denying I have feelings for you that can’t be explained in any other way. I briefly considered that I had a brain parasite. But that seems even more farfetched. The only conclusion was love. I know what’s happening. This is a panic attack. SoccerMom09 says to lie down with your feet elevated.
Sheldon: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Just because I love you doesn’t mean girls are allowed in my room.
Scene: The rooftop.
Raj: Okay. Here we go, say cheese. Iskip) Say cheese. Iskip) Say cousin. Iskip) Say…
Stuart: Oh, sorry. Hang on, sorry. (On phone) Hey, Debbie. I, yeah, yeah, I’m here with Jeanie. Okay, but we’re just friends. It’s, yeah. I got to go.