Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation

Scene: The apartment.

Amy: Should you really be sitting in Sheldon’s spot?

Raj: He’s in Texas, he’ll never know.

Penny: I wouldn’t be so sure about that.

Leonard: Yeah, he has a very sensitive butt. Well, it’s true. Once I saw him sit on a bunch of loose change and add it up.

Raj: Have you heard from Howard?

Bernadette: I did. His talk at NASA went great.

Penny: Sheldon didn’t heckle him?

Bernadette: No, in fact, he was so well-behaved, Howie bought him a Buzz Aldrin bobble head and astronaut ice cream.

Stuart: Hey, guys.

Amy: Oh, hi.

Bernadette: Hi, Stuart.

Raj: Hey, Stuart!

Stuart: How’s it going?

Raj: Good. Sheldon’s out of town, so we can do whatever we want. We even ordered from the Thai place he doesn’t like.

Stuart: Oh, how is it?

Penny: Disgusting. Do not tell him.

Leonard: What do you guys want to do tonight?

Amy: I don’t know.

Bernadette: Well, I told Howie if I wasn’t busy, I’d spend the night at his mom’s. So for God’s sake, think of something.

Raj: Stuart? Are you okay?

Stuart: No, I don’t feel so…

Leonard: Oh, my God, Stuart?

Penny: Oh, my God, you guys need to do something!

Raj: Stuart?

Leonard: Calling 911.

Raj: Well, it’s too late.

Leonard: What do you mean it’s too late?

Raj: He’s been murdered by someone in this room.

Penny: Oh, my God.

Leonard: Oh, come on.

Raj: Welcome to another classic Koothrappali murder mystery dinner.

Amy: I’m leaving.

Raj: You can’t leave. You’re a suspect in the mysterious murder of Stuart Bloom.

Bernadette: I didn’t know his last name was Bloom.

Amy: Yeah, it’s Bloom.

Penny: Are you really gonna lie on the floor and pretend to be dead all night?

Stuart: What do you think I was gonna do at home?

Credits sequence.

Scene: The apartment.

Penny: Are you gonna make us pretend to be a bunch of lame characters with silly accents?

Raj: Lame characters with silly ac…, what kind of actress are you?

Penny: You’re right, I’m sorry. Sounds like fun.

Raj: Thank you.

Penny: That kind of actress. This sucks.

Leonard: Come on, guys. Raj put a lot of effort into this. And that’s great. It’s not sad, it’s great.

Amy: I think it might be fun to be someone else tonight.

Raj: Actually, you’re all just gonna be yourselves.

Amy: Oh, ugh.

Bernadette: All right, if I’m doing this, I’m playing to win, so just to be clear, if we’re ourselves, that means one of us killed Stuart?

Raj: Very good, Bernadette. You are a regular Byomkesh Bakshi.

Bernadette: What is that, like, the Indian Sherlock Holmes?

Raj: Or is Sherlock Holmes the English Byomkesh Bakshi?

Amy: According to Wikipedia, Sherlock Holmes came first.

Raj: Great, everyone’s a Byomkesh Bakshi. Now, here are some secret facts about each of you, including whether you are the murderer. Throughout the game, feel free to ask each other questions to uncover clues.

Penny: Got it. Hey, who’s the murderer?

Raj: Any question but that.

Penny: Sorry. Hey, who’s not the murderer?

Stuart: Bernadette, can you not stand so close to me?

Bernadette: What do you care? You’re dead.

Stuart: Suit yourself. But I can kind of see up your skirt.

Scene: A hire car.

Sheldon: Thank you for my bobble head.

Howard: Thank you for not making fun of me during my speech.

Sheldon: It wasn’t easy. Was it Buzz?

Howard: We can’t show up to your mom’s empty-handed. We should bring something.

Sheldon: I already am. I’m bringing the gift of knowledge.

Howard: Oh, boy.

Sheldon: Despite what her Bible says, recent archaeological studies indicate that although camels are referenced in the Old Testament, they didn’t exist in the Middle East until hundreds of years later.

Howard: I was gonna say we pick up a cake or a pie. But an insult to her faith is always thoughtful.

Scene: The apartment.

Bernadette: So, what happens next?

Raj: I can’t tell you that. But perhaps the killer dropped a fun and imaginative clue somewhere in the apartment.

Penny: Ooh, I’m gonna check the fridge, and see if there are any clues inside a beer.

Amy: Hey, I found something. It looks like a little man with a briefcase.

Leonard: Oh, no, no. That’s Clarence Darrow. It’s from a game Sheldon made up called Chutes and Lawyers. You slide down a chute and then work your way back up through the appellate system.

Raj: Well, unlike that, my games are much more fun.

Penny: Okay, can I ask you something? Why do you like making us do this stuff?

Raj: Well, I guess it goes back to when I was a fat kid in India, and didn’t have any friends.

Bernadette: I didn’t know you were fat.

Raj: Yeah, I was. I was 200 pounds by the time I was in middle school. Kids were mean. Cows may be sacred there, but it doesn’t help if you look like one. Anyway, I was pretty lonely, so I had to make up my own stories and games, and I promised myself if I ever made any friends that, that I would play those games with them.

Amy: That is so sweet.

Leonard: I’ve seen old pictures of you. You were never a fat kid.

Raj: No, I was svelte as a gazelle. A gazelle blessed with a flair for storytelling.

Bernadette: Hey, what about this? It looks like a receipt.

Amy: What’s it for?

Bernadette: For a cup of coffee. But it’s dated 20 years from now.

Raj: From the future? How fun and imaginative.

Leonard: So one of us came back from the future to murder Stuart?

Raj: Correct.

Leonard: Does the gazelle with a flair for storytelling know he’s just ripping off Terminator?

Raj: Does the smart-ass know that Terminator was actually ripped off from an Outer Limits script called Demon With a Glass Hand, by Harlan Ellison?

Leonard: Oh, does the gazelle know that according to Harlan Ellison, it was not ripped off from Demon With a Glass Hand, but was ripped off from another Outer Limits script he wrote called The Soldier?

Penny: I’m gonna need another clue.

Scene: Sheldon’s childhood home.

Howard: Okay, give me the flowers and pie.

Sheldon: But if we show up and you’re holding them, she’ll think they’re only from you.

Howard: They are only from me. You said the gift of you was enough.

Sheldon: Yes, but now that I’ve seen what the gift of me with flowers and pie looks like, there’s no going back. Boy, I can’t wait to see the look on her face. We’re leaving right now.

Howard: What’s wrong?

Sheldon: Nothing.

Howard: What? Sheldon, tell me what’s going on.

Sheldon: I saw my mommy with a naked man and she was trying to be a mommy again.

Scene: A bar in Texas.

Howard: You ready to talk about it?

Sheldon: I’m not nearly drunk enough. Okay. Do you have any idea what it’s like to see your mother ravaging someone?

Howard: Does a brisket count? I’m sorry, buddy, that’s rough. But didn’t she know we were coming?

Sheldon: No. I wanted to surprise her. What am I supposed to say to her after something like this?

Howard: Well, did she see you in the window?

Sheldon: No.

Howard: Then don’t say anything.

Sheldon: I have to. How can we ever hope to have a healthy relationship if I don’t tell her how disappointed I am, and that I’ll never forgive her?

Howard: Well, don’t do it on the phone.

Sheldon: No, I’m just going to tell her I’m coming so she can give that good time Charlie the heave-ho.

Howard: That’s some tough talk, I may need to cut you off.

Sheldon: Yeah, maybe you better, I took a pretty big sip.

Howard: Look, she’s a grown woman. And, and your dad’s been gone a long time. Maybe this is none of your business.

Sheldon: I beg to differ. I used to live in those genitals. And if someone wants to move into my old room, I should at least get a vote.

Scene: The apartment.

Raj: Okay, murder suspects, Leonard has found the time machine the killer must’ve used. You’re all inside it, and we hurtle through the very fabric of time. And welcome to 20 years in the future. Hey, you guys just time-travelled. Stop looking so bored.

Penny: Well, my beer isn’t flat and my rack’s not saggy. So far, the future’s great.

Stuart: Hey, can I go to the bathroom?

Raj: Fine, just try not to look too alive.

Stuart: That’s my jam.

Bernadette: So one of us went back in time to kill Stuart?

Amy: But why?

Raj: Perhaps this will help. Here are some facts about yourselves in the future that might contain a clue.

Amy: Hey, I won the Nobel Prize in physiology, then I used the money to buy Stuart’s comic book store, and close it down so Sheldon would pay attention to me. Not the worst idea.

Penny: Hey, I’m a famous actress living in London.

Leonard: Hmm, I’m a professor at Stanford.

Penny: Hmm.

Bernadette: So I guess you two are making it work long distance.

Raj: Oh, no. In this game, as your careers both took off, you drifted apart. Kind of like how future me lost touch with you guys after I became boy toy for the wrinkled, but still flexible, Madonna.

Amy: What does your card say, Bernadette?

Leonard: Uh, uh, uh, hang on. Do you think we’d really drift apart if we both became successful?

Penny: Of course not. If I became a famous actress and had to move, you would just come with me.

Leonard: But if I get a chance to be a tenured professor, I might not have that much choice in where I end up.

Penny: Yeah, but if I become a successful actress, we wouldn’t need the money.

Leonard: Well, you don’t go into science for the money.

Bernadette: Speak for yourself. Last month, my company both invented and cured Restless Eye Syndrome. Ka-ching, ya blinky chumps.

Penny: So, wait, if my career took me somewhere else, you might not go?

Amy: Dun, dun, dun. He started it.

Raj: Okay, okay, guys, new back stories. Uh, Penny and Leonard, you two lovebirds are super successful and living in New York. Uh, you’re an actress, you’re a professor and you have three beautiful kids.

Leonard: Great.

Penny: Really? You think I’m putting this body through three kids?

Scene: Sheldon’s childhood home.

Sheldon: Okay, let’s do this.

Howard: Good luck.

Sheldon: You, aren’t you gonna come with me?

Howard: While you confront your mother about her sex life? I’d rather go back to that bar in ass-less chaps.

Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Mother? (Knock, knock, knock) Mother? (Knock, knock, knock) Mother?

Mrs Cooper: Shelly, I’m so glad you’re here.

Sheldon: I saw you having naked sex.

Mrs Cooper: What are you talking about?

Sheldon: Earlier, I came here to surprise you. I looked in the window and I saw you with a man.

Mrs Cooper: Oh, Shelly, I’m so sorry. Come in. Um, maybe we should sit down and talk about this.

Sheldon: Can you recommend a surface you haven’t had coitus on?

Mrs Cooper: That’s not funny. Maybe we should sit at the table. Well, I’m sure that, uh, you have a lot of questions.

Sheldon: Who was he?

Mrs Cooper: His name is Ron. I met him at my prayer group.

Sheldon: How long have you been involved with him?

Mrs Cooper: A few months.

Sheldon: And of those few months, how long have you been a demented sex pervert?

Mrs Cooper: That is no way to speak to your mother.

Sheldon: Perhaps not. But it is a way to speak to a woman who quoted the Bible to me my whole life, and then desecrates one of Ethan Allen’s finest sofas.

Mrs Cooper: I will give you one opportunity, young man, to apologize.

Sheldon: Or what?

Mrs Cooper: Or I will send you to your room.

Sheldon: That’s ridiculous. I am a grown man. I am a professional scientist. And I currently occupy the moral high ground.

Mrs Cooper: Go to your room.

Sheldon: But I occupy the moral high ground.

Mrs Cooper: Go to your room.

Sheldon: But I’m a professional scientist.

Mrs: Go to your room!

Sheldon: I’m a grown man.

Scene: The apartment.

Raj: Can we please get back to the game?

Leonard: In a minute. I don’t understand why any success you have in acting is more important than any I have in science.

Penny: Okay, if you do something cool in science, you might change the world. If I become a famous actress, I’m not gonna tell you why movie stars are the best. They just are.

Amy: I’m surprised you guys never talked about this stuff.

Leonard: Like you and Sheldon have everything figured out?

Amy: Actually, our relationship agreement covers a wide array of scenarios, including career changes, financial instability, intelligent dog uprising. FYI, we plan on selling out the human race hard.

Penny: In 20 years, who knows what’ll happen with any of us?

Stuart: I think you and Leonard will be together.

Penny: You do?

Stuart: Yeah. I think you’re the best couple I know.

Leonard: Aw.

Penny: That’s so sweet.

Bernadette: What the hell?

Amy: Excuse me?

Penny: Ah-da-da-da-da, let the dead man talk. So, why do you think that?

Stuart: Uh, well, I feel like you guys make each other better. Penny brought Leonard out of his shell. And it seems like Leonard makes Penny think more deeply about the world. I don’t know. Together, you two kind of make one awesome person.

Penny: Aw, Stuart. Now I feel bad for murdering you.

Raj: Oh, come on.

Bernadette: Penny did it, I win. Suck it, jackasses.

Scene: Sheldon’s old bedroom.

Howard: Hey, can I come in?

Sheldon: Apparently any man is welcome in this house. Why not you? I thought you were waiting in the car.

Howard: That was an hour ago, Sheldon. A Jew sits in front of a house in Texas that long, For Sale signs start to go up. I take it things didn’t go smoothly with your mom.

Sheldon: No. I’m not sure how we’re going to get past this.

Howard: You know, I, I sort of went through something like this myself.

Sheldon: Howard, we’ve all seen your mother naked. That woman needs to learn how to tie a robe.

Howard: I’m talking about when my mom started seeing someone a couple of years after my dad left.

Sheldon: I didn’t know she did.

Howard: Yeah, she was dating this guy, and I was kind of a jerk to her about it.

Sheldon: What did you do?

Howard: Well, let’s just say it was the most vicious bar mitzvah speech in the history of Temple Beth El. Anyway, she broke up with him. And she’s basically been alone ever since. She never said it, but I always felt I was the reason why.

Sheldon: I’m sorry. Although, based on your story, you absolutely were the reason why.

Howard: All I’m saying is you might not want to get in the way of your mom’s happiness.

Sheldon: You may have a point. I love my mother. Even if she fornicates like a demonic weasel.

Howard: And the healing begins.

Scene: Mrs Cooper’s living room.

Sheldon: Hello.

Mrs Cooper: Hello. Are you ready to discuss this calmly, like adults?

Sheldon: I am.

Mrs Cooper: Shelly, I’m sorry that you saw what you saw. I know that this is hard for you.

Sheldon: I think what most upsets me about it, Mother, is the hypocrisy. Doesn’t this contradict all the religious rules you’ve been espousing your whole life?

Mrs Cooper: You’re right, it does, and it’s something that I’m struggling with these days.

Sheldon: Then why are you doing it?

Mrs Cooper: Because I’m not perfect, Shelly. And that man’s booty is.

Sheldon: Well, this is confusing for me. But I don’t want to stand in the way of your happiness. So, I’ll condemn you internally while maintaining an outward appearance of acceptance.

Mrs Cooper: That is very Christian of you.

Sheldon: Mother, if you’re going to conduct your life in this fashion, then I should let you know that the world has changed since you were a young woman. You know, it’s not all sock hops, soda jerks and segregation anymore.

Mrs Cooper: How old do you think I am?

Sheldon: My point is that you’re going to need to be careful. You used to be protected by your pre-Enlightenment mythology, but now you’re going to need a stronger friend named latex.

Mrs Cooper: Are you having the sex talk with me?

Sheldon: Well, someone has to.

Mrs Cooper: Oh, dear Lord.

Sheldon: No, don’t look to Him. He’s mad at you right now.

Scene: The apartment.

Penny: Oh, come on, don’t pout. I’m sorry I ruined your game.

Raj: I’m not pouting, I’m brooding. Which is how sexy men pout.

Amy: It actually was kind of fun.

Raj: You’re just saying that.

Amy: Yeah.

Bernadette: I liked the time travel element.

Raj: Thank you. I thought it was inspired.

Leonard: It was. By Terminator.

Bernadette: Well, I hope 20 years from now, we really are all still together and still friends.

Penny: Definitely.

Leonard: Of course. Well, hey, how about this? Whether we’re friends, not friends, scattered around the world, no matter what, let’s all promise to meet in front of this building exactly 20 years from tonight at 8:00 p.m. and have dinner like we always do.

Bernadette: Aw.

Penny: I love it.

Leonard: Putting it in my phone right now.

Penny: Yeah, me, too.

Stuart: My phone doesn’t have a calendar. So I’ll just write it on my hand.

Raj: And it’s done.

Penny: Yup, we’re all in.

Leonard: All right, I’ll see you guys in 20 years.

Scene: In front of the building, 20 years later.

Stuart: I knew it.


 
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