Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum

Following a “previously on” sequence:

Scene: The apartment.

Sheldon: Uh-huh. Interesting. Okay.

Raj: How bad is it?

Sheldon: Let me put it this way, do you own a barrel and suspenders?

Raj: Are you serious?

Sheldon: I’m not wearing this visor to play women’s golf.

Penny: Hi.

Leonard: Hey.

Penny: Oh, let me guess. You guys are drafting your fantasy accounting firms.

Leonard: We’re helping Raj figure out his finances.

Penny: Well, he has a job. How bad can it be?

Sheldon: Well, his rent and car lease are exceedingly high. You couple that with his penchant for dining out and shopping.

Penny: Wait, wait, not shopping for clothes, right? Because look.

Sheldon: He also has a remarkable amount of credit card debt.

Howard: I thought your dad paid your cards.

Raj: I have a card for emergencies that I pay for myself.

Sheldon: What emergency happened at the L.A. Zoo?

Raj: That’s a penguin I sponsor. They’re losing their homes to global warming, and my car gets, like, seven miles a gallon, so I felt bad.

Leonard: What is Pink Cheeks?

Raj: It’s intimate waxing. Quit looking at that.

Leonard: Maybe you should find someone to help you get your finances under control.

Raj: Like a business manager?

Sheldon: No, absolutely not. You can’t afford to hire someone who’ll forbid you from spending your money on foolish expenses. That is a foolish expense, and I forbid it.

Howard: What if there’s someone who just likes controlling other people and stealing joy from their lives?

Sheldon: He sounds like a sociopath.

Leonard: We don’t know, his mother never had him tested.

Sheldon: You’re talking about me. Very funny. Although I would enjoy drawing up a budget and forcing Raj to adhere to it without an ounce of compassion.

Penny: Wait, wait, who’s gonna break it to the penguin?

Raj: Okay, Sheldon. Yeah, I’m putting you in charge of my finances. I will not spend another penny that you don’t authorize.

Sheldon: Very well. Hey, Comic-Con tickets go on sale this Friday. You can’t buy one.

Howard: Oh, better luck next time, Pink Cheeks.

Credits sequence.

Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.

Amy: You’re actually going to Comic-Con?

Penny: Well, Leonard wants me to do more stuff like that with him, so I thought maybe this year I’d tag along.

Amy: Well, that’s sweet. I bet you’ll have fun.

Penny: So, do you want to come?

Amy: No, thanks. I already live in a place all the nerds come to.

Penny: Please? I went to your boring thing last month.

Amy: My aunt’s funeral?

Penny: Come on, even you checked your e-mail during the eulogy.

Amy: Well, I’m not going, but I do think it’s nice you want to.

Penny: It’s not that I want to go, I just think it’ll make Leonard happy. And if I have to watch him squeeze into an Ewok costume, so be it.

Amy: Look at you, going to Comic-Con, talking about Ewoks. I really have become the cool one around here.

Scene: The comic book store.

Howard: You actually think Penny will have fun at Comic-Con?

Leonard: No. Which will make me miserable, which is usually Sheldon’s job.

Sheldon: She’s gonna hate waiting in line for the panels.

Howard: And hate all the crowds at the panels.

Sheldon: She’s gonna hate the panels.

Leonard: She’s gonna hate how often we say the word panels.

Howard: Why don’t you just tell her not to come?

Leonard: Well, she’s so excited, I can’t do that to her.

Howard: What if you make it sound so bad she won’t want to go?

Leonard: That I would do to her.

Raj: I can’t believe Penny’s gonna get to go, and I’m not.

Sheldon: You can always watch the panels online. Oh, boy, we do say that a lot.

Stuart: Panels. Just wanted to be included.

Raj; Come on, Sheldon, it’s Comic-Con. Just let me have the money for this, and I won’t ask for anything else.

Sheldon: You put me in charge of your finances. If you wanted someone weak and spineless you could walk all over, you should have asked Leonard.

Leonard: See? Miserable.

Raj: Okay, you’re right, I got myself into this, but I’ve never missed a Comic-Con with you guys.

Sheldon: Your father may have spoiled you, but I won’t. If you want a ticket to Comic-Con, I suggest you figure out a way to earn the money yourself.

Howard: Yeah, you’re a grown man who’s highly educated. You could charge people money to punch you.

Raj: Go ahead, make jokes. I don’t know why you think you’re going to Comic-Con, you just had a baby.

Howard: So?

Raj: Well, so? So you think Bernadette’s just gonna let you jet down to San Diego for five days and leave her alone?

Leonard: Hang, hang on. So I have to bring Penny, you can’t afford it, Howard’s gonna get in trouble, and this guy gets to have a great time.

Sheldon: I’m gonna go as Dumbledore.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.

Howard: Mm-mm, how’s my favourite girl?

Bernadette: Okay.

Howard: What you doing?

Bernadette: Making lasagna.

Howard: Oh, she’s sexy, she can cook. I’m such a lucky guy.

Bernadette: You want something stupid, or you did something stupid?

Howard: No. I just walked in here, saw how beautiful you are and had to tell you.

Bernadette: Oh, dear God, you’re cheating on me with Raj.

Howard: Ha ha ha, never gets old. Okay, there is something I want, but it’s not a big deal.

Bernadette: What is it?

Howard: Well, Comic-Con tickets go on sale this Friday, and I was hoping I could go with the guys. But before you say anything, I’ll make up for being gone by doing everything around here, I mean everything. I’m even gonna answer for you. Yes, Howard, you can go.

Bernadette: It’s so hard to say no to you.

Howard: Thank you.

Bernadette: So I’ll say maybe.

Howard: What? Why?

Bernadette: You said tickets don’t go on sale till Friday, right?

Howard: Yeah.

Bernadette: You said you were gonna do all this stuff for me, right?

Howard: Yeah.

Bernadette: See where I’m going with this?

Howard: Yeah.

Bernadette: If you don’t know how to make lasagna, Google does.

Scene: The apartment.

Leonard: Okay, so this is the main Comic-Con floor. It’s where all the vendors and exhibits are.

Penny: Wow, that is a lot of people jammed in there.

Leonard: I know. Sometimes Howard wears a striped shirt so we can play Where’s Wolowitz? Okay, now, This is us camping out in line for the Avengers panel.

Penny: Oh, you really sleep on the sidewalk, huh?

Leonard: Yeah. It can get chilly, but Raj figured out that if you pee in a bottle and put it in your sleeping bag, it helps keep you warm. Here’s the hotel room we all share.

Penny: Well, you and I would get our own room, right?

Leonard: Every hotel is booked. But, yeah, see this space here between Sheldon’s feet and my head? That’s where you go.

Penny: Well, it’s no different than when Sheldon used to climb in bed with us during a thunderstorm.

Leonard: Don’t worry, we won’t be doing much sleeping anyway. It’s like an all-night party. There’s trivia contests and Dungeons & Dragons. As we like to say, it’s off the chain mail.

Scene: The comic book store.

Leonard: I even said off the chain mail, and she still wants to go.

Sheldon: That’s probably my fault. She may have heard about my cool Dumbledore costume.

Stuart: Okay, I can give you 20 bucks for the whole box.

Raj: But you charged me hundreds for this stuff.

Stuart: I know. And I did it with a straight face.

Raj: But I need to earn enough money so I can go to Comic-Con.

Stuart: Well, all right. I’ll give you 25 bucks. That’s my best offer.

Raj: I have no choice.

Stuart: You know, if you want to make extra money, I could throw some work your way.

Raj: Really? I’ll do anything.

Stuart: Great, you’re hired. First thing you can do is put price tags on these. Start the little ones at fifty.

Scene: Penny’s car.

Penny: You know, it’s no big deal. I can put up with anything for three days.

Amy: Comic-Con’s five days.

Penny: Are you kidding me?

Amy: Why don’t you just tell him you don’t want to go?

Penny: I can’t, it’ll break his heart. You know, he’s always making an effort to do things with me he doesn’t enjoy, like going outside.

Amy: He is an indoor cat.

Penny: You know, maybe it won’t be that bad. Leonard says it’s really mainstream now. Comic books aren’t just for sad nerds any more. I mean, it is still a key part of their demographic.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house. Raj rings the doorbell.

Bernadette (off): Howie, can you get that?

Howard (off): Kind of busy.

Bernadette (off): Busy like I’ll be with the baby if you go to San Diego?

Howard: Hey.

Raj: What’s with the gloves?

Howard: They complete my ensemble. What do you want?

Raj: I’m looking to make extra money and was wondering if you had any chores I could do.

Howard: Hang on. Bernie, can I outsource my chores to an Indian guy?

Bernadette: No.

Howard: I tried.

Scene: The apartment.

Leonard: Hey, I was thinking, if you want to do a couples costume, we could paint ourselves green and be Hulk and She-Hulk. Or we could paint ourselves blue and go as Nightcrawler and Mystique.

Penny: Is there any scenario where we’re not in full body paint?

Leonard: Yeah, if you want us to look like losers.

Penny: Hey, um, are you sure the guys are okay with me coming?

Leonard: Yeah, of course, why?

Penny: This is just something you usually do together, and if I’m screwing it up, I don’t have to go.

Leonard: Oh, why? Do you not want to go?

Penny: Why? Do you not want me to go?

Leonard: No, I want you to go.

Penny: Okay, good, ’cause that’s what I want, too.

Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.

Leonard: Now we’re going as Hulk and She-Hulk. I don’t want to take my shirt off at Comic-Con.

Sheldon: If I may speak for Comic-Con, we don’t want that either.

Leonard: Is that nice?

Sheldon: No, but it’s honest, and it sounds like you could use a little more honesty in your relationship.

Leonard: Uh, it’s more complicated than that.

Sheldon: I’m always honest with Amy. The other day she said she was self-conscious about the beauty mark on her shoulder, and I said, you know, you can call that a beauty mark all you want. When there’s hair growing out of it, that’s a mole.

Leonard: Do you think she’s as honest with you?

Sheldon: I should hope so. When she called me an insensitive jerk, I’d like to think she meant it.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.

Howard: There’s got to be other ways you can make a quick buck.

Raj: Yeah, you’d think. Ooh, maybe I could sell my blood and sperm.

Bernadette: I really should wear a bell around my neck so you guys can hear me coming.

Raj: Here, let me help you.

Bernadette: Thank you.

Raj: Oh, Double Stuffed Oreos, I remember when I could afford you.

Bernadette: There she goes.

Raj: Stay, I’ll get her.

Bernadette: I appreciate it.

Raj: That’s fine. She and I can cry together.

Bernadette: He’s such a sweetie.

Howard: I know, I wish there was some way we could help him.

Bernadette: If he could find a girl with a job, all his problems would be over.

Howard: Yeah, that’s working out great for me.

Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.

Amy: Penny says they’re ready to go.

Sheldon: Very well. Prepare for a long night of deceit.

Amy: Sheldon, women can wear make up, it’s not lying.

Sheldon: I was talking about Leonard. And if make up is so truthful, why is it called concealer?

Amy: Wait, wait, wait, what’s Leonard lying about?

Sheldon: He doesn’t really want Penny to go to Comic-Con. He’s just doing it to make her happy.

Amy: Really? Because she doesn’t actually want to go. She’s just doing it to make him happy.

Sheldon: So they’re both trying to make each other happy, and the end result is they make each other sad? That’s hilarious. I can’t wait to tell them.

Amy: No, you’re not gonna tell them anything. You’re gonna stay out of it.

Sheldon: Why?

Amy: Because it’s between them.

Sheldon: Well, if you haven’t noticed, I’ve been between them for the last ten years.

Penny: Hey.

Amy: Hi.

Sheldon: Hello.

Penny: Hey, babe, you want to drive?

Leonard: Sure, or you can.

Penny: No, it’s fine, I know you don’t like the way I drive.

Leonard: I don’t have a problem with your driving.

Sheldon: Are you listening to this? They deceive each other about everything.

Amy: Shh.

Penny: Just so you know, that guy in the parking lot hit me.

Leonard: He wasn’t in a car, but okay.

Penny: Just say you want to drive.

Leonard: I honestly don’t.

Penny: Amy, do us a favour, please drive.

Amy: Sure, happy to.

Leonard: If you want to drive, just drive. I don’t see why this has to be so complicated.

Penny: It’s not complicated. Amy’s driving, that’s it.

Leonard: That’s not it because you’re clearly upset.

Penny: You’re the one who seems upset.

Leonard: Why would I be upset?

Amy: Because you don’t want her to go to Comic-Con.

Sheldon: This is an interesting way to stay out of it.

Penny: Wait, you don’t want me to go?

Leonard: Well, I just don’t think you’re gonna have a good time.

Sheldon: Yeah, well, get this, neither does Penny, that’s why she doesn’t want to go. You set ’em up, I knock ’em down, good job.

Leonard: Why would you say you wanted to go if you didn’t?

Penny: I just thought it would make you happy.

Leonard: O-o-o-okay, hold on, so if you don’t want to go and I don’t need to bring you, is everything good?

Penny: Hold on, I’m trying to decide if I’m mad at you. No, I’m happy I don’t have to go.

Leonard: All right, problem solved.

Penny: Okay.

Sheldon: Not entirely, the fight over who’s going to drive is still…

Amy: Oh, my God, stop talking.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.

Amy: The place looks great. Did you guys get a maid?

Bernadette: Kinda.

Howard: Dinner’s almost ready. If you like meatloaf, I’m sure you’ll like its cousin, bowl of meat.

Penny: Hey, if you’re still looking to make money, I will pay you to burn that jacket.

Raj: Thank you, but it doesn’t look like I’m going to Comic-Con this year.

Sheldon: Well, with as much debt as you have, probably not next year either.

Bernadette: Howie?

Howard: Sure. This is for you.

Raj: What’s this?

Bernadette: It’s back pay for all the babysitting and taking care of Halley you’ve done.

Howard: There’s more than enough in there to cover Comic-Con.

Stuart: Um, I also take care of Halley.

Bernadette: And you live here for free.

Stuart: I do, ma’am, thank you, ma’am.

Raj: This is so generous of you, I, um, I don’t know what to say.

Leonard: Now you can come with us.

Penny: Yeah, there’s room in the bed by Sheldon’s feet.

Raj: As much as I appreciate this, I can’t accept it, okay? Halley’s my goddaughter, I don’t take care of her for money.

Stuart: I would.

Bernadette: Keep it. Consider it a gift.

Sheldon: Hold on. Is it back pay or is it a gift?

Bernadette: What’s the difference?

Sheldon: When the IRS questions us in separate rooms, we need to have our stories straight.

Raj: It doesn’t matter. I’m not keeping this. I’m trying to pay my own way and be responsible. Taking handouts won’t help that.

Amy: So you’re not going to Comic-Con?

Raj: I’ve been plenty of times. If I miss one, it’s fine. I’m a big boy.

Sheldon: I’m a big boy, and if I missed one, I’d throw a big-boy tantrum.

Leonard: You know what? I’ve gone 12 times. Maybe I’ll sit out this year, too.

Penny: Really?

Leonard: Yeah. Maybe you and I can do something fun that weekend.

Penny: Ooh, how about white-water rafting?

Leonard: Oh, how about we compromise and go on the Small World ride at Disneyland?

Howard: You know what, I’m not gonna go either. I’m a father now. I’d rather spend time with my family.

Bernadette: You just don’t want to go alone with Sheldon.

Howard: I’m gonna go check on dinner.

Amy: Sounds like everyone’s staying home. What do you say?

Sheldon: Nuts to that, I’m going to Comic-Con.

Amy: By yourself?

Sheldon: Not necessarily. I have four months to find some new friends.

Stuart: I’ll go with you.

Sheldon: That’s very kind of you, Stuart. Check back in with me in July.

Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.

Sheldon: There’s my pretty girlfriend.

Amy: I’m not going with you to Comic-Con.

Sheldon: What? Can’t a man just be happy to see his woman and pat her on her second most erogenous ball-and-socket joint?

Amy: He can, but it’s still not changing my mind.

Sheldon: Well, maybe what’s in my pants will change your mind. It’s a list of this year’s panelists. It’s long, isn’t it?