Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Taylor Swift.
Penny: Yes. Pi.
Sheldon: Yes. Kardashian.
Penny: More specific.
Sheldon: See, I remembered because if it looks like Kim it’s Kim, if it looks kind of like Kim it’s Kourtney, and if it looks nothing like Kim it’s Khloe.
Penny: Oh, that’s a Venn Diagram, and I remember because I thought to myself, venn is he gonna stop talking about this diagram?
Leonard: What are you guys doing?
Sheldon: Oh, well, we decided to use our breakfast time to expand our respective knowledge bases.
Leonard: Oh, let me try.
Leonard: Hmm, atom of hydrogen, Adam of Maroon 5, mic drop.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, who is Mike Drop?
Leonard: Oh, hey, Penny, do you want to go to the airport with me later to pick up my mother?
Penny: No problem.
Leonard: Hey, Penny, um, since you’re already gonna be at the airport, do I need to go?
Sheldon: Why don’t you want to get your mother from the airport?
Leonard: Well, I can do without the 40-minute car ride where she criticizes every aspect of my life.
Sheldon: She can cover it in a car ride? I could do 40 minutes on your posture alone.
Penny: You really want me to pick up your mother all by myself?
Leonard: Hmm, I just feel like it would be a good chance for you to bond.
Penny: Or a way for you to avoid her?
Leonard: I don’t know what he’s putting on those cards, but you are smarter than ever.
Penny: Fine, if you really want me to, I will pick your mom up.
Penny: Yeah, you know what, she is my mother-in-law, and I’d like for us to have a good relationship.
Leonard: That is very mature of you, so I’m gonna go ahead and say, suckah.
Sheldon: All right, back to learning.
Sheldon: Oh, easy, Bill Nye the Science Guy.
Penny: Or as I know him?
Sheldon: Creepy old dude from Dancing with the Stars.
Penny: Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
Scene: The comic book store.
Raj: Did you guys see there’s an Avengers screening? Joss Whedon’s gonna show some deleted scenes and do a question and answer session.
Sheldon: Oh, well, I have a few questions for him about the last Avengers movie, and a whole lot of answers.
Leonard: When’s the screening?
Raj: Uh, it’s tonight, but it’s first-come, first-served, so we should probably get there early and wait in line.
Howard: Let’s do it.
Leonard: Penny’s busy with my mother, so I’m in.
Sheldon: Oh, bad news. Amy’s making me go shopping with her later, so looks like none of us can go.
Leonard: You do realize we’re allowed to have fun without you?
Howard: In fact, that’s usually the trick to it. What time do we need to get there?
Raj: Uh, I’d say by three.
Sheldon: You’re really going without me?
Leonard: It’s not a big deal. Go shopping with Amy, and we’ll save a spot in line for you.
Sheldon: You don’t have the authority to save places in the line. If I do that, I’ll be cutting.
Leonard: People do it all the time.
Sheldon: You know the golden rule of line etiquette. No cuts, no buts, no coconuts.
Howard: If you really care that much, there are apps now that’ll let you hire people to do stuff like errands and wait in lines.
Stuart: People are actually waiting in lines as a job? Boy, makes me feel better about my life.
Howard: Some of these guys make over $20 an hour.
Stuart: And now I feel worse again.
Scene: Penny’s car.
Beverly: I’m not surprised Leonard chose to avoid picking me up. He’s battled intimacy issues his whole life. Does he have difficulty maintaining erections?
Penny: Wow. Didn’t even make it out of the parking lot. Uh, you know what, enough about Leonard. Let’s talk about you. What would you like to do while you’re here?
Beverly: Dear, I’m a psychiatrist. You don’t have to avoid having intimate conversations with me.
Penny: Well, I’d actually like for us to be close, but maybe we start with our favourite books and work our way up to my husband’s sex organs.
Beverly: Very well. What’s the last book you read?
Penny: Um, does Pottery Barn, Spring count?
Beverly: Penny, it’s only natural to want your mother-in-law to like you, and I acknowledge I can be an intimidating person. So what can I do to make this process easier for you?
Penny: Uh, for starters, maybe you can not psychoanalyze everything I say?
Beverly: And how does it make you feel when I psychoanalyze everything you say?
Beverly: That was a joke, dear.
Penny: Oh. Sorry. Didn’t know you made those. Hey, listen, what if we have a little mother-in-law, daughter-in-law dinner tonight?
Beverly: So just the two of us?
Penny: Or I invite a few girlfriends, ’cause hearing you say the two of us just sent a chill right down my spine.
Scene: Amy’s car.
Amy: What are you doing here? You’re not Sheldon.
Stuart: I thought that might come up. Sheldon hired me to go shopping with you.
Amy: Hold on. He paid you to get out of spending time with me?
Stuart: No, it’s not like that. There’s a long line he’d rather stand in. So what are we doing? Old Navy, Build-A-Bear? I get paid either way.
Amy: We’re not going shopping together.
Stuart: You sure? I’m happy to hold your bag. And Sheldon gave me money for a hotdog on a stick.
Amy: Can you understand why I might be annoyed right now?
Stuart: Look, lady, I just work here.
Scene: The cinema line.
Howard: We’ve waited in a lot of lines together, haven’t we?
Sheldon: Remember when we camped out for the Doctor Who panel at Comic-Con?
Raj: Yeah, sleeping under the stars with other fans who love the show as much as we do.
Leonard: Waking up, wondering which one of those fans stole our wallets.
Sheldon: Stuart, what are you doing here?
Stuart: Sheldon, you are the most inconsiderate person I have ever met in my entire life. Where do you get off sending me to shop with your girlfriend?
Sheldon: I don’t understand. You were happy to do this when I hired you. Why, why are you upset with me now?
Stuart: Oh, I’m not upset with you, but Amy’s pretty bent out of shape, so she hired me to let you have it.
Sheldon: Well, I suppose turnabout is fair play.
Stuart: You’re darn right it’s fair play, you selfish jerk.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Amy: You know, just when I think we’re making progress in our relationship, we revert to our old patterns where thoughts and feelings go unexpressed. I mean, if he didn’t want to go shopping with me, why didn’t he just say so?
Beverly: Maybe he couldn’t get a word in edgewise.
Amy: I’m sorry, I’ve been going on and on.
Beverly: Oh, it’s all right, dear. Sheldon has a brilliant and complicated mind. It’s understandable that being in a relationship with him could be trying.
Amy: I called him babe once. He asked me to get a drug test.
Beverly: Well, I do admire your resolve. You’re an extraordinary woman.
Amy: Thank you.
Penny: You know, she’s my mother-in-law. Why can’t I bond with her like that?
Bernadette: Amy’s with Sheldon who she loves like a son. You’re with her son, who she doesn’t.
Amy: Do you realize it took me five years to get a massage from him?
Beverly: Oh, well, that still could be a big step for Sheldon.
Amy: Three minutes. And he used a kitchen timer. I felt like a soft-boiled egg.
Penny: You know, being in a relationship with Leonard also comes with its challenges.
Beverly: Yes. Well, what can you do?
Amy (knock on door): Maybe it’s Sheldon, here to say he’s sorry.
Stuart: Sheldon says he’s sorry.
Amy: Bernadette, I’ll give you five dollars to slam the door.
Stuart: I would have done it for three.
Scene: The cinema line.
Raj: Boy, all this standing’s making me tired. Good thing I brought my collapsible stick chair.
Howard: Not the stick chair. You look like an idiot on that thing.
Raj: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but chairs on sticks are comfy.
Sheldon: Hey. Is everything smoothed out with Amy?
Stuart: Uh, no, she’s still pretty mad.
Sheldon: Did you make the apology as sincere as I would have?
Stuart: I said, Sheldon says he’s sorry.
Sheldon: Oh, well, that’s laying it on a little thick.
Leonard: You think it’s time you apologize to her yourself?
Sheldon: I suppose so. But if I get out of the line, I’ll lose my spot.
Stuart: I’m happy to hold your place till you get back.
Sheldon: You would do that?
Stuart: Consider it my way of getting more of your money.
Sheldon: You’re a good man.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Bernadette: So, Beverly, did you know Penny is the number three sales rep at our pharmaceutical company?
Beverly: Oh, I didn’t realize you two work together.
Bernadette: Well, we don’t exactly. I’m a microbiologist for the research team.
Beverly: Oh, what are you currently developing?
Bernadette: Some exciting new anti-anxiety drugs.
Beverly: That’s interesting. I just attended a lecture on pediatric anxiety.
Amy: Oh, was it, uh, Dr. Jenofski? I just saw his TED Talk.
Beverly: It was.
Bernadette: Well, let’s get back to Penny. Hey, weren’t you telling me something great about your company car?
Penny: Um, it has seat warmers.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy.
Amy: Come in.
Sheldon: Hello, everyone. Oh, Beverly, good to see you. I’d love to chat, but there’s a line that could start moving any minute, so let’s do this. Amy? A proper apology requires three steps. Step one, an admission of wrongdoing. Amy, I was wrong. Step two, a promise never to repeat said action. Amy, that action will never be repeated, and that’s a promise. Step three, an earnest request for forgiveness. Amy, I hope you can forgive me. And I hope you do it right now, ’cause there’s an Uber waiting downstairs, and I don’t want to repeat this apology nonsense with my driver Ganesh.
Sheldon: Oh, thanks, you’re a peach. Beverly, we’ll catch up soon. Bernadette, it was a pleasure as always, Penny, you have spinach in your teeth.
Penny: How long have I had spinach in my teeth?
Beverly: Since the airport, dear.
Scene: The cinema line.
Howard: You look like you come with a kickstand.
Raj: You can’t make me feel bad.
Howard: Hmm, maybe not. Leonard?
Leonard: So, when the aliens brought you back, they just left the probe in?
Sheldon: I’m back.
Leonard: Hey, how’d it go?
Sheldon: It went well. Yeah, I’ve learned that if you never say you’re sorry, the times you do really puts them on their heels. Uh, Stuart, I relieve you of your line duties.
Stuart: Anyone else need anything before I go?
Howard: I’ll give you a dollar if you make fun of Raj.
Stuart: That’s mean.
Stuart: You look like Tigger if Tigger looked like a jackass.
Howard: Uh, if you ever need a reference or anything, just let me know.
Man: Hey, guys.
Woman: You made it.
Sheldon: Did you see that? He just cut the line.
Leonard: He’s just joining his friends; it’s fine.
Sheldon: No, it’s not fine. It is a breach of line etiquette.
Howard: We’re near the front of the line. We’ll get in either way.
Sheldon: What if every person in front of us let someone cut?
Leonard: We’d still get in.
Sheldon: What if each of those people let someone cut?
Leonard: Still get in.
Sheldon: But then each of those people let someone cut?
Leonard: We’d still get in, but first I’d hit you over the head with his stick chair.
Sheldon: Excuse me.
Leonard: Oh, please don’t.
Sheldon: Uh, uh, I couldn’t help but notice that you cut the line.
Man: Oh, uh, I’m with my friends. It’s cool.
Sheldon: Well, no. It’s not cool. If there were reserved seating, and we all had tickets, that would be fine. But this line is first-come, first-served. Not show up tardy and nevertheless be first served. Right here.
Sheldon: You need to go to the back of the line.
Man: Uh, who made you line monitor?
Sheldon: Mrs. Wunch in fourth grade. And my slogan was a line that’s straight is a line that’s great.
Man: Is this guy for real?
Leonard: Boy, I wish I could say no.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Beverly: That was very nice of Sheldon to apologize.
Amy: Well, he’s come a long way. Or a short way very slowly, so it feels like a long way.
Beverly: Your relationship with him is fascinating. I’m preparing to write a book on high-achieving couples, and I would love to interview the both of you.
Amy: Oh, sure. I’ll, I’ll talk to Sheldon about it. You know, Bernadette’s husband is a former astronaut.
Beverly: Really? Do you think he would be interested in being interviewed as well?
Bernadette: Do I think he’d be interested? Sometimes I hear him pretending to be interviewed when he’s alone in the bathroom.
Beverly: Wonderful. I’ll give you my contact information.
Bernadette: Um, you should probably talk to Penny, too.
Beverly: About what?
Penny: Okay, you know what? This is ridiculous. I’ve been trying to make a connection with you all day, and clearly I’m getting nowhere.
Beverly: Well, are you seeking a connection or just some form of validation?
Penny: What I was seeking was some sort of friendship. But at this point, I’ll take you not insulting me to my face.
Beverly: My intention was never to insult you.
Penny: You’ve been doing it all day. Do you even know what an insult is?
Beverly: Well, it’s not a clinical term. But one example would be your marrying my son, and not inviting me or even telling me the wedding was taking place.
Penny: Okay, good example.
Scene: The cinema line.
Sheldon: What about Joss Whedon’s work makes you think he’d be okay with rule-breakers and line-cutters?
Man: The Avengers are rule-breakers. Being vengeful is in their job description.
Sheldon: They work for SHIELD, which is a sanctioned department of the U.S. Government. Do you work for a sanctioned department of the U.S. Government?
Man: As a matter of fact I do. At a little place called the DMV.
Raj: He’s got him there. The D even stands for department.
Sheldon: Excuse me, excuse me, can I please see a show of hands? Who here takes issue with this person cutting the line?
Man: Told you.
Sheldon: Well, what a sad state of affairs. That you’ve all been so ground down by life, you don’t even notice when someone disrespects you.
Howard: I can’t believe we’re gonna get beat up, and it’s not because of your chair.
Sheldon: You know, right now, at the back of this line, there’s a movie fan like you who’s not going to get in, because this person simply doesn’t care. Yeah, well, 61 years ago, there was another person at the back of the line and her name was Rosa Parks.
Leonard: Okay, you may have to pretend you’re black to get us out of here.
Sheldon: Now, let’s follow in that brave woman’s footsteps, and stand up for ourselves. And, and I realize that she stood up by remaining seated, but now is not the time to enjoy the irony of that. Now, I ask you again. Who here takes issue with this person…
Woman: Why should we listen to you? You cut the line yourself.
Sheldon: I most certainly did not.
Woman: I saw you.
Man: If you’re feeling dizzy, it’s because the tables have turned.
Sheldon: Excuse me, I paid someone to wait in line for me, and then when I arrived, he left, so what you saw, my good woman, was swapsies, not cutsies. Oh, no, no, no, no, wait, I ask you all again, a show of hands. Who here takes issue… well, stop moving. he’s gonna get in.
Leonard: Buddy, let it go.
Sheldon: No, I can’t. This isn’t right.
Leonard: You did everything you could.
Sheldon: No, I could’ve done more.
Leonard: Now, now, you denigrated the memory of a great civil rights pioneer. That’s all anyone could ask.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: To be honest, I’m surprised you cared about the wedding at all.
Beverly: I’m still human, Penny. Not getting invited to my own son’s wedding is difficult to ignore.
Amy: I know how you feel. She didn’t invite any of us.
Penny: It was spur of the moment.
Bernadette: But we did get to see a live stream of it on the Internet.
Beverly: I could’ve watched it on the Internet?
Penny: Thank you. So if we would have asked you to come to Vegas to see us get married, you would’ve come?
Beverly: No, I would’ve said you’re making a huge mistake. But an invitation would’ve been nice.
Penny: You really think we made a mistake?
Beverly: At the time I did. But I’ve never seen Leonard so happy, so perhaps I was wrong.
Penny: Wow. Okay. Well, um, how about this? Maybe while you’re still in town, Leonard and I could have another small ceremony. You know, if you’re interested.
Beverly: I would find that perfectly acceptable.
Penny: She would find it perfectly acceptable. You guys saw it. We bonded.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s bedroom.
Bernadette: Howie? You doing okay? You’ve been in there a while.
Howard (through bathroom door): I’m fine. Be right out. Am I an American hero? Well, that’s a good question, Jim. Don’t you think once an astronaut leaves the planet, he’s a hero to all the nations of the Earth? Okey dokey. I think I have time for one more question.