Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm
Scene: Lobby of the apartment building, Howard, Raj, Sheldon and Leonard enter in combat gear, covered in blue paint.
Raj: Okay, if no-one else will say it, I will. We really suck at paintball.
Howard: That was absolutely humiliating.
Leonard: Oh, come on, some battles you win, some battles you lose.
Howard: Yes, but you don’t have to lose to Kyle Bernstein’s Bar-Mitzvah party.
Leonard: I think we have to acknowledge, those were some fairly savage pre-adolescent Jews.
Sheldon: You know, we were annihilated by our own incompetence and the inability of some people to follow the chain of command.
Leonard: Sheldon, let it go.
Sheldon: No, I want to talk about the fact that Wolowitz shot me in the back.
Howard: I shot you for good reason, you were leading us into disaster.
Sheldon: I was giving clear, concise orders.
Leonard: You hid behind a tree yelling “get the kid in the yarmulkah, get the kid in the yarmulkah.”
Penny (arriving): Oh, hey guys.
Leonard: Hello Penny.
Howard: Morning ma’am.
Penny: So, how was paintball, did you have fun?
Sheldon: Sure, if you consider being fragged by your own troops fun. (To Howard) You clear space on your calendar, there will be an enquiry.
Penny: Okay, um, oh hey, I’m having a party on Saturday so if you guys are around you should come by.
Leonard: A party?
Howard: A boy-girl party?
Penny: Well, there will be boys, and there will be girls, and it is a party. So, it’ll just be a bunch of my friends, we’ll have some beer, do a little dancing…
Leonard: Yeah, I don’t know, Penny…
Sheldon: The thing is, we’re not….
Leonard: We’re really more….
Leonard: But thanks, thanks for thinking of us.
Penny: Are you sure? Come on, it’s Halloween.
Sheldon: A Halloween party?
Howard: As in, costumes?
Penny: Well, yeah.
Leonard: Is there a theme?
Penny: Um, yeah, Halloween.
Sheldon: Yes, but are the costumes random, or genre specific?
Penny: As usual, I’m not following.
Leonard: He’s asking if we can come as anyone from science-fiction, fantasy…
Sheldon: What about comic-books?
Penny: Of course.
Sheldon: TV , film, D&D, Manga, Greek Gods, Roman Gods, Norse Gods…
Penny: Anything you want, okay? Any costume you want. Bye.
Howard: Gentlemen, to the sewing machines.
Scene: The apartment living room. There is a knock on the door.
Leonard (off): I’ll get it. (He enters, wearing a Flash costume. Opens door.)
Howard (Entering at speed, also wearing a Flash costume): Bjow (They stare at each other in shock.)
Leonard: Oh, no.
Sheldon: Oh no! (He is also wearing a Flash costume.)
Raj: Make way for the fastest man alive. (Enters, also in a Flash costume.) Oh no!
Sheldon: See, this is why I wanted to have a costume meeting.
Leonard: We all have other costumes, we can change.
Raj: Or, we could walk right behind each other all night and look like one person going really fast.
Howard: No, no, no, it’s a boy-girl party, this Flash runs solo.
Leonard: Okay, how about this, nobody gets to be The Flash, we all change, agreed?
Leonard: I call Frodo!
Scene: The same, later. Leonard is dressed as Frodo. Howard appears to be Peter Pan. There is a knock on the door.
Raj (Entering dressed as Thor): Hey. Sorry I’m late, but my hammer got stuck in the door on the bus.
Leonard: You went with Thor?
Raj: What? Just because I’m Indian I can’t be a Norse God? No, no, no, Raj has to be an Indian God. That’s racism. I mean, look at Wolowitz, he’s not English, but he’s dressed like Peter Pan. Sheldon(entering in a body suit featuring black and white vertical lines) is neither sound nor light, but he’s obviously the Doppler Effect.
Howard: I’m not Peter Pan, I’m Robin Hood.
Raj: Really, because I saw Peter Pan, and you’re dressed exactly like Cathy Rigby. She was a little bigger than you, but it’s basically the same look, man.
Leonard: Hey, Sheldon, there’s something I want to talk to you about before we go to the party.
Sheldon: I don’t care if anybody gets it, I’m going as the Doppler Effect.
Leonard: No, it’s not…
Sheldon: If I have to, I can demonstrate. Neeeeoooowwwww!
Leonard: Terrific. Um, this party is my first chance for Penny to see me in the context of her social group, and I need you not to embarrass me tonight.
Sheldon: Well, what exactly do you mean by embarrass you?
Leonard: For example, tonight no-one needs to know that my middle name is Leakey.
Sheldon: Well, there’s nothing embarrassing about that, your father worked with Lewis Leakey, a great anthropologist. It had nothing to do with your bed-wetting.
Leonard: All I’m saying is that this party is the perfect opportunity for Penny to see me as a member of her peer group. A potential close friend and… perhaps more. I don’t want to look like a dork.
Scene: The hallway. Howard knocks on Penny’s door with his bow.
Howard: Just a heads up fellas, if anyone gets lucky I’ve got a dozen condoms in my quiver.
Penny (opening door, not in costume): Oh, hey guys.
Leonard: Hey, sorry we’re late.
Penny: Late? It’s 7:05.
Sheldon: And you said the party starts at seven.
Penny: Well, yeah, when you start a party at seven, no-one shows up at, you know, seven.
Sheldon: It’s 7:05.
Penny: Yes. Yes it is. Okay, well, um, come on in.
Howard: What, are all the girls in the bathroom?
Penny: Probably, but in their own homes.
Sheldon: So what time does the costume parade start?
Penny: The parade?
Sheldon: Yeah, so the judges can give out the prizes for best costume, you know, most frightening, most authentic, most accurate visual representation of a scientific principle.
Penny: Oh, Sheldon, I’m sorry but there aren’t going to be any parades or judges or prizes.
Sheldon: This party is just going to suck.
Penny: No, come on, it’s going to be fun, and you all look great, I mean, look at you, Thor, and, oh, Peter Pan, that’s so cute.
Leonard: Actually, Penny, he’s Rob…
Howard: I’m Peter Pan! And I’ve got a handful of pixie dust with your name on it.
Penny: No you don’t. Oh, hey, what’s Sheldon supposed to be.
Leonard: Oh, he’s the Doppler Effect.
Sheldon: Yes. It’s the apparent change in the frequency of a wave caused by relative motion between the source of the wave and the observer.
Penny: Oh, sure, I see it now, the Doppler Effect. Alright, I’ve got to shower, you guys um, make yourselves comfortable.
Sheldon: See, people get it.
Time shift, the party is in full swing, the four guys are sitting together around the coffee table.
Raj: Mmmm, by Odin’s beard, this is good Chex Mix.
Howard: No thanks, peanuts, I can’t afford to swell up in these tights.
Sheldon: I’m confused. If there’s no costume parade, what are we doing here?
Leonard: We’re socialising. Meeting new people.
Penny (crossing the room in a cat costume, speaking to someone off-screen): Oh hey, when did you get here, Hi!
Raj: Penny is wearing the worst Catwoman costume I have ever seen, and that includes Halle Berry’s.
Leonard: She’s not Catwoman, she’s just a generic cat.
Sheldon: And that’s the kind of sloppy costuming which results from a lack of rules and competition.
Howard: Hey guys, check out the sexy nurse. I believe it’s time for me to turn my head and cough.
Raj: What is your move?
Howard: I’m going to use the mirror technique. She brushes her hair back, I brush my hair back, she shrugs, I shrug, subconsciously she’s thinking we’re in sync, we belong together.
Leonard: Where do you get this stuff?
Howard: You know, psychology journals, internet research, and there’s this great show on VH1 about how to pick up girls.
Raj: Oh, if only I had his confidence. I have such difficulty speaking to women. Or around women. Or at times, even effeminate men.
Howard: If that’s a working stethoscope, maybe you’d like to hear my heart skip a beat.
Nurse Costume Girl: No thanks.
Howard: No, seriously, you can, I have transient idiopathic arrhythmia.
Leonard: I want to get to know Penny’s friends, I just, I don’t know how to talk to these people.
Sheldon: Well, I actually might be able to help.
Leonard: How so?
Sheldon: Like Jane Goodall observing the apes, I initially saw their interactions as confusing and unstructured, but patterns emerge, they have their own language if you will.
Leonard: Go on.
Sheldon: Well, it seems that the newcomer approaches the existing group with the greeting “How wasted am I?” which is met with an approving chorus of “Dude.”
Leonard: Then what happens?
Sheldon: That’s as far as I’ve gotten.
Leonard: This is ridiculous, I’m jumping in.
Sheldon: Good luck.
Leonard: No, you’re coming with me.
Sheldon: Oh, I hardly think so.
Leonard: Come on.
Sheldon: Aren’t you afraid I’ll embarrass you?
Leonard: Yes. But I need a wing-man.
Sheldon: Alright, but if we’re going to use flight metaphors I’m much more suited to being the guy from the FAA, analysing wreckage.
Girl in Hippie Costume: Oh, Hi!
Girl: So, what are you supposed to be?
Sheldon: Me? I’ll give you a hint. Neeeeooooowwwww!
Girl: Uh, a choo-choo train?
Sheldon: Close! Neeeeeoooooowwwww!
Girl: A brain damaged choo-choo train?
Girl in Butterfly Costume (dropping onto sofa next to Raj): How wasted am I? (Raj shrugs.)
Time shift. Sheldon and Leonard are now talking to a girl in a princess costume.
Girl: I still don’t get it.
Sheldon: I’m the Doppler Effect.
Girl: Okay, if that is some sort of learning disability, I think it’s very insensitive.
Leonard: Why don’t you just tell people you’re a zebra?
Sheldon: Well, why don’t you just tell people you’re one of the seven dwarves.
Leonard: Because I’m Frodo.
Sheldon: Yes, well, I’m the Doppler Effect.
Leonard: Oh no.
Leonard: That’s Penny’s ex-boyfriend.
Sheldon: What do you suppose he’s doing here? Besides disrupting the local gravity field.
Leonard: If he were any bigger, he’d have moons orbiting him.
Sheldon: Oh, snap. So I guess we’ll be leaving now.
Leonard: Why should we leave? For all we know, he crashed the party and Penny doesn’t even want him here. (Penny and Kurt hug).
Sheldon: You have a back-up hypothesis.
Leonard: Maybe they just want to be friends.
Sheldon: Or maybe she wants to be friends, and he wants something more.
Leonard: Then he and I are on equal ground.
Sheldon: Yes, but you’re much closer to it than he is.
Leonard: Look, if this was 15,000 years ago, by virtue of his size and strength, Kurt would be entitled to his choice of female partners.
Sheldon: And male partners. Animal partners. Large primordial eggplants, pretty much whatever tickled his fancy.
Leonard: Yes, but our society has undergone a paradigm shift, in the information age, Sheldon, you and I are the alpha males. We shouldn’t have to back down.
Sheldon: True. Why don’t you text him that and see if he backs down?
Leonard: No. I’m going to assert my dominance face to face.
Sheldon: Face to face? Are you going to wait for him to sit down, or are you going to stand on a coffee table?
Leonard: Hello Penny. Hello Kurt.
Penny: Oh, hey guys. You having a good time?
Sheldon: Given the reaction to my costume, this party is a scathing indictment of the American education system.
Kurt: What, you’re a zebra, right?
Sheldon: Yet another child left behind.
Kurt: And what are you supposed to be, an Elf?
Leonard: No, I’m a Hobbit.
Kurt: What’s the difference?
Leonard: Uh, a Hobbit is a mortal Halfling inhabitant of Middle Earth, whereas an Elf is an immortal tall warrior.
Kurt: So why the hell would you want to be a Hobbit?
Sheldon: Because he is neither tall nor immortal, and none of us could be The Flash.
Kurt: Well, whatever, why don’t you go hop off on a quest, I’m talking to Penny here.
Leonard: I think we’re all talking to Penny here.
Sheldon: I’m not. No offence.
Kurt: Okay, maybe you didn’t hear me, go away.
Penny: Alright Kurt, be nice.
Kurt: Aw, I am being nice. Right little buddy.
Leonard: Okay, I understand your impulse to try to physically intimidate me. I mean, you can’t compete with me on an intellectual level and so you’re driven to animalistic puffery.
Kurt: Are you calling me a puffy animal?
Penny: Of course not, no, he’s not, you’re not, right Leonard?
Leonard: No, I said animalistic. Of course we’re all animals, but some of us have climbed a little higher on the evolutionary tree.
Sheldon: If he understands that, you’re in trouble.
Kurt: So what, I’m unevolved?
Sheldon: You’re in trouble.
Kurt: You know, you use a lot of big words for such a little dwarf.
Penny: Okay, Kurt, please.
Leonard: No, Penny, it’s okay, I can handle this. I’m not a dwarf, I’m a Hobbit. A Hobbit. Are misfiring neurons in your hippocampus preventing the conversion from short-term to long-term memory?
Kurt: Okay, now you’re starting to make me mad.
Leonard: A homo-habilus discovering his opposable thumbs says what?
Leonard: I think I’ve made my point.
Kurt: Yeah, how about I make a point out of your pointy little head.
Sheldon: Let me remind you, while my moral support is absolute, in a physical confrontation I will be less than useless.
Leonard: There’s not going to be a confrontation, in fact I doubt if he can even spell confrontation.
Kurt (physically lifting Leonard from the ground): C – O – N… frontation!
Penny: Kurt, put him down this instant.
Kurt: He started it.
Penny: I don’t care, I’m finishing it, put him down.
Kurt: Fine. You’re one lucky little leprechaun.
Sheldon: He’s a Hobbit! I’ve got your back.
Penny: Leonard, are you okay.
Leonard: Yeah, no, I’m fine. It’s good, it’s a good party, thanks for having us, it’s just getting a little late so….
Penny: Oh, okay, alright, well thank you for coming.
Sheldon: Happy Halloween. (They leave) If it’s any consolation, I thought that homo-habilus line really put him in his place.
Scene: The living room. Sheldon brings Leonard a cup of tea.
Leonard: What’s that?
Sheldon: Tea. When people are upset the cultural convention is to bring them hot beverages. There there. You want to talk about it?
Sheldon: Good. There there was really all I had.
Leonard: Good night Sheldon.
Sheldon: Good night Leonard.
Penny (knocking on door and entering): Hey Leonard.
Leonard: Hi Penny.
Penny: Hey, I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.
Leonard: I’m fine.
Penny: I’m so sorry about what happened.
Leonard: It’s not your fault.
Penny: Yes it is. That’s why I broke up with him, he always does stuff like that.
Leonard: So why was he at your party?
Penny: Well, I ran into him last week and, he was… just, all apologetic, about how he’s changed, he was just going on and on and I believed him, and I’m an idiot because I always believe guys like that and… I can’t go back to my party because he’s there, and I know you don’t want to hear this and I’m upset and I’m really drunk and I just want to… (bursts into tears and rests head on Leonard’s shoulder.)
Leonard: There there.
Penny: God, what is wrong with me.
Leonard: Nothing, you’re perfect.
Penny: Gah, I’m not perfect.
Leonard: Yes you are.
Penny: You really think so, don’t you? (She kisses hm.)
Leonard: How much have you had to drink tonight?
Penny: Just…. a lot.
Leonard: Are you sure that your being drunk, and your being angry with Kurt doesn’t have something to do with what’s going on here?
Penny: It might. Boy, you’re really smart.
Leonard: Yeah, I’m a frickin’ genius.
Penny: Leonard, you are so great. Why can’t all guys be like you?
Leonard: Because if all guys were like me, the human race couldn’t survive.
Penny: I should probably go.
Penny (in doorway): Thank you. (She kisses him again. Kurt is watching.)
Leonard: That’s right, you saw what you saw. That’s how we roll in The Shire. (Closes door quickly, locks and chains it.)
Scene: The apartment, there is a knock on the door.
Sheldon: Coming. (Opens door to Howard.)
Howard: Hey, have you seen Koothrapali?
Sheldon: He’s not here. Maybe the Avenger summoned him.
Howard: He’s not the Marvel comic story, he’s the original Norse God.
Sheldon: Thank you for the clarification.
Howard: I’m supposed to give him a ride home.
Sheldon: Well I’m sure he’ll be fine. He has his hammer.
Scene: A random bedroom. Butterfly costume girl is climbing off of Raj.
Butterfly Girl: Wow, I have to say, you are an amazing man. You’re gentle and passionate, and my God, you are such a good listener!
(Raj puts hands behind head with a smug expression on his face.)