Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution

Scene: The apartment.

Sheldon: I recently read that during World War Two, Joseph Stalin had a research program to create supersoldiers by having women impregnated by gorillas.

Howard: What a sick use of science.

Raj: Hey, as long as the baby’s healthy.

Amy: I wonder if Stalin considered any other animals.

Leonard: Hippos are the deadliest creature. A half-human, half-hippo soldier would be pretty badass.

Howard: Yes, but when they’re hungry-hungry, you can stop them with marbles.

Sheldon: Yeah, the correct animal for interspecies supersolider is koala. You would wind up with an army so cute it couldn’t be attacked.

Raj: But half-man, half-owl could fly…

Sheldon: The answer is cuddly soldiers with big flat noses. Moving on.

Howard: So, Penny, when’s the new job start?

Penny: Next Monday.

Bernadette: Did you get a chance to look over the materials I gave you?

Penny: Uh, not yet, but I will.

Bernadette: Great. When?

Penny: I said I’ll get to it.

Sheldon: I’m sensing awkwardness, am I right?

Amy: Yes.

Sheldon: Swish.

Bernadette: I don’t want to be pushy, but you’ve never done pharmaceutical sales before. It seems like you could use this time to get a head start.

Penny: Well, the first few weeks will be all training. They’ll tell me everything I need to know.

Bernadette: But imagine how impressed they’d be if you showed up already familiar with the material.

Penny: Okay, so what, you want me to be like a teacher’s pet?

Bernadette: Couldn’t hurt.

Leonard: Mm, I don’t know. Who here has ever been hurt because they were the teacher’s pet?

Sheldon: It was like the rest of the class wanted Ms. McDonald to forget the quiz.

Scene: Mrs Davis’ office.

Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs. Davis. (Knock, knock, knock) Guess who?

Mrs Davis: Dr. Cooper.

Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) That’s right, good job. Hello. Uh, you wanted to see me?

Mrs Davis: Yes. Uh, welcome back.

Sheldon: Thank you. I assume you’d like to reopen our dialogue about the university forcing me to continue with string theory?

Mrs Davis: You mean the dialogue that went, please, no, please, no, please, no.

Sheldon: That’s the one. I believe you went last, so, uh, please?

Mrs Davis: Dr. Cooper, while you were away, we came up with a solution that would allow you to change your field of study.

Sheldon: Wow. Pouting and running away actually worked. I must say, that may not be a lesson you want to reinforce with me. So, um, what is the solution?

Mrs Davis: Currently, you’re being paid under a grant to specifically research string theory. If we promote you to junior professor, you’ll be able to choose whatever field of research you’d like.

Sheldon: But if I’m a professor, then I’ll have to teach a class.

Mrs Davis: That is correct.

Sheldon: So your solution is to promote me and pay me more money so that I can impart my knowledge to the next generation of scientists?

Mrs Davis: Yes.

Sheldon: You people are sick.

Scene: Amy’s lab.

Penny: Hey. Ready to go to lunch?

Amy: Just give me a minute. I’m stimulating the pleasure cells of this starfish. I just need to turn it off.

Penny: What happens if you don’t?

Amy: Then I have to sit through lunch knowing this starfish is having a better day than I am. Is Bernadette meeting us at the restaurant?

Penny: Uh, no. Actually, I didn’t invite her.

Amy: How come?

Penny: Well, ever since she helped me get this job, she won’t stop bugging me.

Amy: Well, I think she just wants you to do well, and she’s worried that you won’t ’cause you were just a stunningly poor waitress.

Penny: That is not true.

Amy: I’m still waiting on my mini corndogs from two years ago.

Penny: I told you, they’ll be right out.

Amy: Okay, so no Bernadette.

Penny: Well, you saw her the other night. Am I wrong?

Amy: No, I just, I feel kind of uncomfortable talking about her like this. Usually when someone’s being talked about behind their back, it’s me and it’s right in front of my face.

Penny: I’m sorry. I just need a little break from her.

Amy: I understand. You know, there is some research that indicates that sharing negative attitudes about a third party can be a powerful bonding force between two friends.

Penny: So, what are you saying?

Amy: I’m saying, in the spirit of science, what is that little skank’s problem?

Scene: The cafeteria.

Raj: So, I’ve been trying to come up with a cute couple’s nickname for me and Emily. What do you like better? Emippali or Koothrapemily?

Howard: Why is it your last name and her first name?

Raj: Oh, well, her last name is Sweeney, and something just didn’t seem right about Koothrapeeney.

Leonard: Hey, how’d it go with human resources?

Sheldon: Awful. They’re allowing me to move on from string theory, but they made me a junior professor and are requiring me to teach a class.

Raj: I don’t understand. Why is it bad that you have to teach?

Sheldon: What a stupid question.

Leonard: The kids are gonna love him.

Sheldon: I can’t believe I have to waste my time babysitting a bunch of grad students who probably think dark matter is what’s in their diapers.

Leonard: This might not be that bad. Uh, you like telling people they’re wrong.

Sheldon: Wrong, Just because I enjoyed that one doesn’t mean I always do.

Raj: You enjoy giving people grades.

Sheldon: A valid point, but unoriginal. B-minus.

Howard: And you love the sound of your own voice.

Sheldon: Yeah, well, of course I do. Listen to it. It’s like an earful of melted caramel.

Leonard: Look, most importantly, this will let you move on and study dark matter.

Sheldon: It is true that many of my heroes have taken students under their wings. Feynman, Einstein, Professor X. Humorously, in the case of Professor X, some of his students actually had wings. That’s rich. I’ll use that one to lighten the mood after my entire class fails the midterm.

Scene: Amy’s lab.

Amy: Measuring starfish serotonin levels in response to one point two molar stimulation of pleasure cells. You like that, don’t you? That’s right, say my name.

Bernadette (on skype): Hey.

Amy: Hey, what’s going on?

Bernadette: Not much. You want to get a drink later? Just the two of us?

Amy: No Penny?

Bernadette: Not tonight. I’m a little frustrated with her.

Amy: Because you got her the job and you think she should be working harder to prepare for it?

Bernadette: So it’s not just me. You see it, too.

Amy: I do, I see it.

Bernadette: It’s driving me crazy. Just this afternoon, I saw on Instagram that instead of studying, she went out to lunch and got a manicure.

Amy: That’s outrageous.

Bernadette: I know.

Amy: If she doesn’t do well, this could reflect poorly on you.

Bernadette: Exactly. Does she not realize it or does she not care?

Amy: I don’t know. The important thing is I am here for you so we can mutually disparage this unpleasing third party.

Scene: Sheldon’s classroom.

Leonard: Hey. We just wanted to see how your class was going. Where is everybody?

Sheldon: There is no class.

Howard: Did you send everyone to the principal’s office already?

Sheldon: No one signed up.

Leonard: Well, that’s not your fault.

Sheldon: I called the department secretary to see what happened. Apparently, I have a reputation for being obnoxious.

Leonard: What?

Raj: Hey, Sheldon, I’m sorry.

Sheldon: No, it’s fine. Now I can devote all my time to dark matter.

Raj: Aw, you brought cookies for everyone?

Sheldon: Oh, yes. Fig Newtons. I was going to ask them which scientist both helped to develop calculus and had a famous cookie named after him? And then after someone said Newton, I was going to tell them they’re wrong. The cookies are named after a town in Massachusetts. And then I’d throw the cookies away.

Howard: Hey, what if I took your class?

Sheldon: Why would you do that?

Leonard: Yeah, why would you do that?

Raj: What’s wrong with you?

Howard: I’m thinking about getting my doctorate, and he wants to teach. Why not?

Sheldon: Oh, Howard. I appreciate the gesture, but this is a graduate-level physics class. I don’t think you’d understand a single thing I was talking about.

Raj: Ask why not again, I’ve got an answer.

Howard: Sheldon, I’m more than smart enough to take your class.

Sheldon: No.

Howard: Yes.

Sheldon: How would you determine the ground state of a quantum system with no exact solution?

Howard: I would guess a wave-function and then vary its parameters until I found the lowest energy solution.

Sheldon: Hmm. Do you know how to integrate X squared times E to the minus X, without looking it up?

Howard: I’d use Feynman’s trick, differentiate under the integral sign.

Sheldon: Okay. Um, what is the correct interpretation of quantum mechanics?

Howard: Since every interpretation gives exactly the same answer to every measurement, they are all equally correct. However, I know you believe in the Many Worlds Interpretation, so I’ll say that. Now do you think I’m smart enough?

Sheldon: No.

Howard: Oh, come on. You might’ve gone to school for a couple more years than me, but guess what, engineers are just as smart as physicists.

Sheldon: You take that back.

Howard: No.

Scene: The stairwell.

Amy: So, after drinks with Bernadette, I get home, and Penny calls to complain about her. And then while I’m talking to Penny, I get a text from Bernadette.

Sheldon: I am trying to prepare my lesson plan for Howard. Why are you telling me this?

Amy: Because it’s taken 15 years, but high school is finally awesome. I love them both, but I’m in the centre now, and I love that even more.

Sheldon: Amy, please. I am trying to figure out a way to intellectually emasculate a dear friend of mine.

Amy: But I’m just…

Sheldon: Not now.

Amy: You better watch that attitude, buddy. You’re dating the popular girl now.

Scene: The apartment.

Leonard: Hmm. You’re up late.

Sheldon: Oh, I’m working on my lesson plan for Wolowitz. He is going to be so lost. Look at this section over here. Even I don’t really understand it.

Leonard: Sheldon, why are you doing this?

Sheldon: I’m a teacher, Leonard. It’s my job.

Leonard: No, I mean, why are you going to so much trouble to prove that you’re smarter than Wolowitz?

Sheldon: Oh, it’s no trouble, it’s actually a pleasure.

Leonard: You want to know what I think? I think the idea that someone could be as smart as you, or even smarter, scares the pants off you, and you can’t deal with it.

Sheldon: Interesting point. You’re suggesting that I have emotional issues below my consciousness which drive my behaviour, thus causing me to lash out at anything or anyone that threatens my intellectual superiority.

Leonard: Might be something to think about.

Sheldon: Leonard?

Leonard: Yeah.

Sheldon: Howard’s allergic to peanuts. How can I use that against him?

Scene: Sheldon’s classroom.

Howard: Hey.

Sheldon: Okay, now that everyone’s here, we can begin.

Howard: Before we do, I just talked to Leonard. And if you’re gonna spend all your time trying to belittle me by making this class unnecessarily hard, then I’m out. But if you’re interested in making a sincere effort to be a good teacher, then I’m willing to give this a shot.

Sheldon: I suppose that’s a fair request. There’s no reason we both can’t benefit from this experience.

Howard: Okay.

Sheldon: Okay. Well, then, uh, first things first. Um, are you familiar with the Brachistochrone problem?

Howard: I am.

Sheldon: Good. And how it relates to the calculus of variations?

Howard: It’s an inverted cycloid.

Sheldon: Wonderful. Now, what about Euler-Lagrange theorems?

Howard: That’s where I’m a little fuzzy.

Sheldon: Ha! I knew it. All right. We have a lot of information to cover before your first test. Which, by the way, is in eight minutes. The good news is I’m grading on a curve, so you’re pretty much guaranteed a C.

Howard (singing): All I do is win, win, win no matter what.

Sheldon: What are you doing?

Howard (singing): Everybody hands go up, up and they stay there!

Sheldon: What are you doing?

Howard: If you’re gonna be a crappy teacher, then I’m gonna be a crappy student. (Singing) Uh, uh, Ludacris going in on the verse. ’cause I never been defeated and I won’t stop now…

Sheldon: Will you stop it. This is a classroom. This is not American Bandstand.

Howard: Okay.

Sheldon: Now, where was I? Let’s see. Oh, yes. Over here. You… What are you doing now?

Howard: Making a straw.

Sheldon: Why?

Howard: So I can shoot you with a spitball.

Sheldon: You’re not going to do that, and I’ll tell you why. This is an institution of higher learning, I am your professor, and you’re going to treat me with the prop… You shot your spit in my mouth!

Howard: Is that gonna be on the test? Because I don’t think I can do that again.

Scene: Amy’s lab.

Amy (on phone): Hey, girlfriend. Can I get a what what?

Penny: What?

Amy: Close enough. Um, I was just calling to see what you were up tonight. Thought maybe we could hit up Color Me Mine, maybe sneak in some Pinot Greej. Whatevs.

Penny: Uh, thanks, but I think I’m gonna stay in and go over the stuff Bernadette gave me.

Amy: Oh. Oh, I hear you. Try and get that nag off your back, right? I mean, you’re not a bicycle, why’s she riding you like that?

Penny: No, I think she was just trying to help. Plus, I really want to do well at this job. So…

Amy: Okay, good luck. And call me later, you know, if you decide she’s a bitch or something. Hey, girlfriend.

Bernadette: Hey, Amy.

Amy: Tonight. You, me, Color Me Mine. Maybe we sneak in some Pinot, make it Color Me Wine.

Bernadette: That sounds fun, but I promised Penny I’d come by and help her study.

Amy: Oh. Well, good luck getting her to do that. She’s probably off getting another manicure. You remember when she did that? You remember?

Bernadette: I was probably being too hard on her. We talked, we’re good.

Amy: Oh. Great. I’m happy for you guys. You know, when the two of you aren’t getting along, it puts me in a really weird position.

Bernadette: Well, don’t worry, everything’s back to normal.

Amy: You mean, like, where she’s nice to your face? Okay got it. Bye. Hey, boyfriend.

Sheldon: Can’t talk. Spitball. Probably gonna die.

Scene: The apartment.

Sheldon: Well?

Leonard: Sheldon, I promise. Your uvula does not have an STD.

Sheldon: Are you sure? It just doesn’t feel as innocent as it used to.

Howard: You reported me to human resources?

Sheldon: You violated the sanctity of my mouth.

Howard: Well, I dropped your class, so I hope you’re happy.

Sheldon: I told you you weren’t smart enough to take it.

Howard: I’m smart enough, Sheldon. Asking me a bunch of questions about a topic I’m not familiar with doesn’t prove anything. I could do the same to you.

Sheldon: Yeah, try me.

Howard: Okay. You enjoy making fun of engineering so much, how do you quantify the strength of materials?

Sheldon: Young’s modulus.

Raj: Is that right?

Howard: Yeah. Okay, how do you prevent eddy currents in a transformer?

Sheldon: Laminate the core material.

Leonard: Come on, give him a hard one.

Howard: That was a hard one. All right. How does the flow rate in a pipe depend on its diameter? You don’t know, do you? What’s the matter, smart guy? Don’t know Poiseuille’s law?

Sheldon (coughing several times): Thank goodness I got it. Now I can quit checking my stool.

Scene: Penny’s apartment.

Bernadette: Okay, what are the potential side effects for our erectile dysfunction drug?

Penny: Headaches, dizziness and nausea.

Bernadette: Yes.

Penny: Those are also the side effects of having a 75-year-old man with an erection climb on top of you.

Bernadette: Want to stop here?

Penny: Uh, no. I can keep going.

Bernadette: Nah, you got this. Let’s go for a drink. I’ll call Amy.

Penny: Okay, good. She seemed like she really wanted to go out tonight.

Amy (phone ringing, running down stairs from outside Penny’s door): Hey, girl.

Scene: The apartment.

Leonard: Okay, next question, for the Butterfinger. How long is a galactic yea

Raj: 250 million years.

Leonard: Yes. (Cheers)

Howard: Okay, this one is for a Cadbury Creme Egg.

Sheldon: Oh! It’s not even Easter time. This is crazy.

Howard: Which Archimedean solid has 20 regular triangular faces, 30 square faces, 12 pentagonal faces, 60 vertices and 120 edges?

All together: The Rhombicosidodecahedron. (Cheers)

Leonard: We are so smart.

Raj: Why didn’t girls like us in high school?

Howard: Because we were awkward and weird and couldn’t play sports!

Leonard: Right again. (Cheers)

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